Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

How desperate do you have to be to try to snare someone at their most vulnerable? Have you been busy on here recently, OP?

Bloody hell....

Hey - all you need is to be the same clothes size as her and you've got a total win win situation.

It's just fishy Bearly, a lot of odd threads about today and it's not even half term.

Least I don't think it is.

Though it must be half term somewhere in the world? Hmmm....

Get a rampant rabbit.

A very close friend of mine lost his (pregnant) fiance and didn't want/wasn't ready for another partner for ten years.

Back the fuck off.

This is a wind up.
Surely no one would even think about it never mind ask the world on the inetrnet what they think of the idea?
You are sick.
End of.

My Aunt started dating a guy a year after my Uncle died. She married him. She regretted it.

There is no set time period when people want to or feel they might move on following the death of their partner. But you need to step away. There's no vibe. He might be grateful for kids playing together. But at the moment he is numb.

There is a difference of a couple like your parents whose kids were grown up to his situation when he's left with 2 little ones. Both situations hurt but they are different.

I am a widow and while I could not even have begun to think about another man for at least two years, men do seem to be made differently. For a while I belonged to a support group and I found it jaw dropping how quickly some of the men began dating and rapidly getting into quite serious relationships while still grieving and crying over the deceased partner.

I think it is partly that men cannot cope on their own and they want someone to just slot into the late wife's bed kitchen place but also they have often been living for a long time in a bubble of hospitals, pain and grief and just want to get back to normality and a bit of fun.

With young children involved the OP needs to be extra careful and discrete. I would restrict any visits to just going along with your friend, not on your own and only 'helping' under her guidance and advice. It is way way too soon but I suspect OP is right in that he is probably open to a comfort shag plus some general sympathy and support.

It is a cliche in the newspapers when someone famous loses their partner that it never seems to be long before they are being "comforted" by a friend!

My mum died of cancer at the age of 63, five and a half years ago. Her and my Dad were devoted to each other and she had been ill for five years before she died. It's possible, as someone said upthread, that he had mourned her while she was alive. She died in the September and by October he was saying one of her friends from school was "fantastic". By Christmas of that year he told my sister how much he liked her.... they have now been together for an indeterminate number of years because no one is actually sure when they "got together"... (my sister is still in denial and thinks they are just good friends). My point is (sorry to be long winded) that it could well be that this man has feelings of some kind but a) they could be related to his vulnerability and b) his family (children and extended family both his and his deceased wife's) need much much more time to adjust to their tragedy. If something is supposed to happen, it will still happen in a year's time.
Regarding my mother, I am still left with this weird feeling (because everything happened so quickly) that my father, having lost my mother as lover and companion, was very quick to replace her ie. look after his own sexual needs. Despite the fact that she had had to give her entire life (which she loved) and body to this unforgiving disease that took her much too soon. If the whole thing had happened much slower, it would feel a lot better to my sister and I. I am glad he has a companion, but I do think it is odd that it happened so soon.

This is research for a a work of fiction, I am sure. There is just too much identifying and overly specific information in the OP for it to be true. At least I hope to God it's not true, as if it is, then the OP is misguided in the extreme, for imposing on a family's grief in such an inappropriate way at such an early stage, and for potentially outing them and putting that poor man in a very awkward situation for anyone who may recognise him.

no time to read the whole thread but please give him some space, I mean that nicely, don't overplay your feelings for him. He needs time to grieve, if anything were to happen with him I would take a bet that the guilt for him would be horrific. I was not in the position of feelings be reciprocated or even voiced on my part but I did think fondly of the funeral director for my dh but see that it was just that he was so sensitive and compassionate at a horrendous time in my life. Thankfully I was able to see it as purely that. There is plenty of time, please don't rush it.

Because you ask, I assume you know the answer. Let him grieve and be with his children. That is his priority, not bedroom shenanigans.

feel I should add, the feelings on my part came on quite a while after dh died as I saw him out a few times where I was with friends.

Here take some of these with you as well

Have some respect OP, this poor man has just lost his wife. The best thing you can do is be a supportive friend and absolutely nothing more. If in years to come it develops into something more then wonderful for you both but if not then so be it.

Whatever you do, do not upset him even further by telling him that you have feelings towards him.

Thanks to all of you who have offered thoughtful comments and personal experience. I am choosing to ignore the rest because I am very clear that the ugliness here lies in the response, rather than the OP. I wrote an impassioned response, and then deleted it because what is the point..Suffice to say I am very sure that none of the accusations of not supporting my friend or of not caring about her family (including her brother in law and nephews) apply.

I heartily agree that it would be a very long time indeed before he could consider intimate, one-one-one relating, let alone sex. I dont think I could have sex yet and it's been eight months and my partner didn't die. And I agree that he will need to talk about his wife probably forever, but certainly for a very long time. And finally, I agree that he is longing for support and consolation, rather than looking for a sexual relationship. The funny thing is, so am I. Thank you to the poster who warned against co-dependancy, and neediness. Yes, that is a pattern for me and yes, I have learned the very hard way and sworn never to repeat my mistake. But my pattern is to be the rescuer rather than the rescued ...something to be aware of for any potential relationships.

Unpleasantness aside, I did get what I came on here for, namely a chance to reflect on and get advice about this situation. I will do what some here have advised: offer the support I would offer from purely altruistic motives for now, and see if and when anything more than that seems appropriate.

Thanks for the advice and -from some - support.

3 weeks?

Really??

THREE WEEKS?

at my granddad's funeral, my uncle politely asked me if I'd get out of the rocking chair for a minute. I did. He picked it up, took it outside and stuck it in his van

then he came back and, with the help of his lovely wife (it was a bit unwieldy) rolled up the carpet and stuck that in his van as well

now- you can look at this either way. 1. It was a cruel and callous self serving act, under the noses of the grieving who might actually have wanted the rocking chair themselves or

1. my uncle was performing a valuable service to the family, by looking after the rocking chair. And the carpet which wasn't that nice anyway so possibly noone was that bothered. Maybe

well. That's certainly given me a lot of food for thought

I hope it's helped you, too, OP

"I hardly know this man after all"

"while I know this man longs for...""

do you know him, or not?

You are still planning on ending up with him. Listen to the posts fgs.

If you are who I think you are, stay the fuck away!

Even after your backpeddling last few posts Im utterly appalled. Its so distasteful and desperate I dont even think a word has been invented to describe it.

You're trying to make it sound all Romeo and Juliet "ooooh we're the same, we're both grieving, we both need kindness" Bullshit, he has lost his wife, the mother of his children, the person he loved, to a terrible, terrible illness. You and your DP have split up, its not even on the same planet let alone in the same league.

Why not just piss around his house to mark your territory if you're so worried hes going to get snapped up?

I am the daughter of a parent who died of cancer when i was 5. My other parent swiftly started a new relationship. Emotional at first, but developed to a physical, long term relationship over time. They were, and still are, happy.
It screwed me up completely. Still affects me now.
Your posts are deeply offensive, they are all about yourself and your own needs and wants.
Leave him alone. Stay away.