Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

Fabwoman . . . ?

It's like the definition of a predator.

Bloody hell fire, you'd have thought the OP has just confessed to skewering baby kittens on a spit for a laugh!

She's just admitted to having an inappropriate crush, and is asking for advice about how she can continue to support him as a family friend, whilst simultaneously indulging in lurid needy and unrealistic fantasies about their blissful future together coming over all peculiar in his company.

Have none of you ever had REALLY embarassing cringeworthy pashes before?

No, not in RL but I think I know who she is on here.

Haven't read the thread, but have a word with yourself.

Have you really no shame? His wife died weeks ago.

"the ugliness here lies in the response, rather than the OP"

O rly?

Given that you aren't his friend and hardly know him there is absolutely no reason to be offering him support at this time - I'm sure there are plenty of other people who can offer help who know him much better.

You're obviously only planning on doing it for selfish reasons (you think you can get a relationship out of it) so stay the hell away. That's the kindest and most appropriate thing you can do for him. If you really are the decent person you seem to think you are.

Is this thread for real?

If so - OP - your behaviour is so far past decent it's untrue. This man is grieving. He's not a suitable target for you to mark as yours.

Ugh.

I feel icky just reading this!

Op, you are a vulture.

Nothing less. Nothing more.

OP, you sound like an utter loon.

But it's "a gently, hopeful, sustaining fantasty" according to the OP.

Hearts and flowers all the way.

If you can ignore the grieving children who lost their mother only three weeks ago that is.

Have you thought about them OP, that they might need their dad's full attention for quite a while, whilst they get over their loss? Rather than seeing him walking off hand in hand into the sunset with a woman who didn't think that only three weeks into mourning was too soon to stake her claim.

He's not her friend. She barely knows him from Adam...she just wants to get her talons feet under the table, early doors.

Her desire to support him is nothing to do with kindness as a family friend, because she isn't one, and everything to do with staking her claim.

Mind you, we don't know that the widower isn't a raging fannyrat who shagged his way round many of his wife's friends while she was dying, and would be only too happy to give the OP a shot on his love truncheon for good measure.

hopeful your last post is just as misguided and self-centred as your first - I would suggest you take another look a the responses that you're 'choosing to ignore'

Remind me please - what exactly do you need 'support' for at this time? Was the poor deceased woman a dear friend of yours? Oh, no, silly me, I forgot - you just want to shag her husband...

Smacks of desperation to me. Leave the poor guy alone.

When my mum died, my dad received letters off several women a matter of days later asking whether he was looking for a new partner. He was so baffled by it and it significantly lowered his opinion of these women.

As it happened he married 6 months after she died as he was messed up at the time and wanted a mother figure for us kids. It only lasted a couple of years as he realised he'd rushed into it for all the wrong reasons.

If he needs adult company, sex or just someone as a shoulder to cry on, then maybe you could be that person. But I think it will be far too soon to make a move on him and try to initiate a relationship.

And certainly his children would be very upset by it I would imagine, they will be heartbroken at the moment and we most likely see it as somebody trying to take their mums place - even if that is not the intention.

I would have to wonder about a man who looked at another woman three weeks after the death of his wife.

If it was my husband, I would haunt him.

I haven't read the thread but am openmouthed with shock!I lost my other half almost two years ago.Believe me three weeks in the LAST thing on anyones mind is a further relationship.You feel numb,disbelieving and a whole host of other really awful things.It took me until just before the 18 month mark to contemplate thinking about the whole new relationship thing,and that was just thinking about it.Whilst everyones grief is different (and by god you miss intimacy and a relationship) I would say that after 3 WEEKS the last thing on this poor mans mind will be looking for another relationship..

I love my DH and for that reason, if I died, I would want him to find whatever comfort he could as soon as possible. It's no skin off my nose - I'm dead - and anyway, taking up with someone else does not mean his love for me is any less. Life is short - I see nothing wrong with taking some pleasure while we can.

Obviously, it's important to have some regard for the feelings of other people - but I think this applies mainly to young children rather than adults. I think adults need to get over their sensitivities - if the bereaved person wants a relationship, that's their business.

Far side.I REALLY hope you never experience the untimely death of your spouse or you would never post the words "I think adults need to get over their sensitivities" :(