Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

As soon as this poor man is ready to face a social life again, he'll know how to find you if he wants to. It's up to him if he chooses not to be single for long - he's not some sale bargain that you have to grab before somebody else stakes a claim.

This man is probably just trying to get himself and his children through the days. The 'connection' you detect is probably him being appreciative of your apparent kindness towards his family in their grief. I am 99:99 % sure he's not checking out future sex partners right now.

You need to be a friend to the family, and that means putting your feelings aside.

Get a grip.

Three weeks? Seriously? What a horrible thread OP.

My cat died and it took me about three months to feel ok about getting another kitten.

Oh good god have some sense.

No, you aren't getting a 'vibe' off him, you're being an absolute fantasist.
Yes, of course he is sure to start dating soon, I'm sure it's uppermost in his mind, what with having two bereaved children to care for. He must be absolutely twiddling his thumbs wondering what to do of an evening and itching to ask you to go see a show. Not sorting through the hell of his wife's finances/possessions etc. and doing things like changing bank details and insurances at all.

Just stay well away from all of them.

Well, you say 'we the children' but if your parents were married for 48yrs then Im assuming you weren't actually children. An older man who has spent close to half a century with a partner will, inevitably feel drawn to recreating some form of partnership. This is very different from a young widower with young children to care for. Though either way, 3wks is ridiculously too soon for anyone to consider moving on even if they think they are ready.

Oh and sorry for the loss of your mother.

Please leave him well alone! My mum died of cancer when I was 21 and my dad started seeing someone 3 months afterwards. My sister and I were still grieving and were desperately upset that he could have moved on so quickly. This man lost his wife 3 WEEKS ago, thee is no way he is emotionally ready to jump into a new relationship, and his children certainly won't be ready to witness it.

Maybe just concentrate on supporting your friend who has just lost a sister who she was very close to.

Leave him alone. My uncle went on a date 1 week after his wife's funeral. He remarried after 4 months. At the wedding he was crying to us about having packed up his first wife's clothing.

10 years on he regrets moving so hastily but is sticking by his commitments.

Grief makes people behave in unusual ways.

3 weeks!!

please have some fucking empathy and respect FFS

this man will be trying to help his children through an awful, desperate loss whilst trying to remember how to walk, talk, eat

fucking hell, you've made me angry

Maybe just concentrate on supporting your friend who has just lost a sister who she was very close to.

I agree...and by that, I don't mean siezing upon the opportunity to snaffle her sister's grieving husband as though he were a bargain on Gumtree!

Are you all completely bonkers ? OF COURSE this is a fantasy at this stage - a gently, hopeful, sustaining fantasty - at an awful time for me - that may well turn out not to have any relationship to reality. I hardly know this man after all. And I know I am very vulnerable right now - as I said, that is partly why I am posting. As for 'making a move' or as one of the sensitive posters put 'jumping him'...!!! Now it's my turn to ask - do you lack ALL sensitivity or delicacy ?? OF COURSE I am not intending to ask him out on a Saturday night date or to meet for a drink or to do anything of the things one does when 'making a move'. For heavens sake ! My problem is quite a different one. Sorry if i did not make this clear but I honestly thought it would be obvious to all. My problem is that I feel odd doing all the things I would normally do under these circumstances - taking the children out, dropping off meals, visiting etc etc when I know that my motives are not only sympathy and compassion. But if I stay away for a year or so ...well, I know this man needs and longs for companionship right now...and I strongly suspect that, like my dad (see post above), he will be involved with someone else soon. You can flame me (or him) for that as much as you like. But I suspect those judgements are coming from people with limited experience of bereavement. My own quite extensive experience of bereavement had led me to believe that no lofty value judgements can be attached to the process.

If there is anyone out there who cares to have a helpful, constructive, thoughtful chat with me about this I would really appreciate it.

yes HFG, but your DF had been married for 48 years and I guess that you and any sibs were grown-ups. that is very different to flingingyourselfat considering dating a man with grieving sons of 6 and 10.

He's vulnerable, tired out from caring and worrying and looking after her and his DSs. Suggest you keep your distance. What's the hurry. If it's for you it'll nae go past you.

My MOL died just over a year ago. Her funeral took place 4 days after her death. On the way home from the funeral got into the car and said "My heart is for taking." He had a date three days later! A year on, and he has a full time live in girlfriend.

OP you disgust me, seriously you do.

Yuck.

Have to take DS and friend to swim so will check responses when I get back in a few hours

FOL got into the car

You silly cow.
Sorry, that's as constructive and thoughtful as it gets.

If you can do the nice ordinary caring things for this man and keep your romantic distance then go ahead, if not then for his and his son's sake (and yours) you are better off leaving meals on the doorstep or via your friend and avoiding contact with him.

But one more thing - agree with you all when you say 'the connection' is a response to kindness, borne of grief. Something similiar to what I felt/am feeling. That's the difficulty - do I pursue this ie offer more kindness, or stay far away...

Don't care how fast people move on. Why is it my business? I don't quite knownwhat the issue is here?
Lol at cat death

Erm, you don't do anything. Except maybe offer friendship to a man going through something horrific. You certainly don't put the moves on a man who has just buried his wife.

Fwiw. I used to fancy John McCarthy when he was a HOSTAGE.

THATS WAY WORSE

I don't see why you have got these responses, tbh. I think you do the companionable things and wait. And then wait some more. And a bit more. And if he is ready and he wants you then he will let you know, because you will see a fair bit of him.

But if I stay away for a year or so ...well, I know this man needs and longs for companionship right now...and I strongly suspect that, like my dad (see post above), he will be involved with someone else soon. You can flame me

Ok I will - because so what if he gets involved with someone else whilst you are 'staying away'? Surely that's his choice? What do you suggest, marking his card in some way so he knows you're up for it when he feels up to a shag?

You don't seem to understand quite how distasteful your OP was - which is strange for someone with 'extensive experience of bereavement'

Do you want a prize or something?