Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

As I said above - if, when he's ready, he wants to start a relationship with you, he can easily find you.

He longs for companionship right now - doubtless that of his wife.

If you have issues of your own, it's probably wise to address those before embarking on another relationship.

And your query wasn't obvious, to be honest.

I'm surenthe man would be able to repel a move. Or shag her senseless. Don't know why you are all so handbag

Support your friend, if you want to send a couple of meals round for the freezer for him. maybe give up the a gently, hopeful, sustaining fantasy and replace it with a less dangerous one?

again I say If it's for you it'll nae go past you.

But now is not the time to be even thinking about it.

He might say " I dont like your linguine, I'd prefer fellatio"

As he's Jewish there is a further 30 days of mourning and socialising is forbidden

HE will be saying prayers for his wife each holy day for a year and beyond

I think you will decimate your relationship with your friend and TBH I wouldn't blame her

Am not sure how you can extrapolate that you think he will be involved with someone else very soon ...

But you're not already a friend of his, so why would you consider 'taking the children out, dropping off meals, visiting'? You've only met him twice in the last thirty years!

He may very well yearn for companionship, and indeed sex. (And I have some experience of bereavement and don't judge this.) But he's not really in a position to build a new, equal relationship with someone from scratch, is he? And neither are you, from the sound of it. It's a potential car crash situation.

Didn't stop my Jewish FOL.

Seriously?! I don't think this is a real thread as I don't think anyone would share if they felt like this.

If it is real then stay the Fuck away. 3 week?! Like another poster said about her cat, I waited longer then 3 week before I replaced a fish

The most yuk thing about the OP on this thread is how it all seems to be about her. Sod the poor woman who's just died, and his children, and him actually.

She fancies him - that's the important bit

Lol at bonsoir.

GO ON TELL HIM OP

Was just putting it out there Bonsoir

He may or may not be ready for a new relationship. TBH, he may be desperate for a new relationship and a new life after nursing a wife with cancer - my FOL was most definitely of that mindset. Faithful to his wife to the end, but once it was all over, he turned the page the next day.

Agree that many partners of cancer type illness people are already over the bereavement. And often the partner tells them beofre they die to get on with it.

'My problem is that I feel odd doing all the things I would normally do under these circumstances - taking the children out, dropping off meals, visiting etc etc when I know that my motives are not only sympathy and compassion.'

-then stay away and don't do these things, you don't seem to be of the mindset to be the kind of person they need around them right now.

'But if I stay away for a year or so ...well, I know this man needs and longs for companionship right now...'

• Do you? How? I'm sure he needs and longs for his wife, but do you really think that he is honestly thinking of anything else but his kids and getting them through the days at the moment? Honestly, that sentence is really offfensive. You've just said you hardly know him, but apparently you are quite sure of what his feelings are in the immediate aftermath of his wife's death. That is really quite mad.

'...and I strongly suspect that, like my dad (see post above), he will be involved with someone else soon.'

• I can only shake my head at this. You just don't know that at all. You have no idea. This is all about YOU. The fact that YOU like this guy and are clearly afraid that someone will steal him from under your nose. That's ALL this is about, you don't know this person one iota and therefore anything you think about him is based on nothing.

Again, I would say back right off from being involved with this family at all. If you are as intense and strange in RL as you come across here, even if you don't intend to, I suspect you are probably making this man feel very awkward.

Bottom line is it's not a 'a gently, hopeful, sustaining fantasty' - it's really odd and inappropriate. Step away.

Why not take food around later on one evening clad only in a mac?

Oh and comparing this guy with your dad is madness, because your dad wasn't caring for two young bereaved children and looking at the prospect of bringing them up alone. Seriously, this guy has more important things to think about right now than what he really thinks of the slightly-too-keenly-staring intense lady who keeps turning up.

Actually OP I am wondering if there is a part of you that fantasises about 'healing his wounds', 'being there for him', etc.

Maybe I am extrapolating widely but your reference to your previous relationship suggests you might have co-dependent tendencies? In which case you should absolutely, definitely avoid screwed-up men and men in complex agonising family situations.

My mom started seeing a man who'd lost his wife after a long illness (though her actual death was quite sudden). I think it had only been 4 months or so since she died, and only 7 months since my mom's divorce was final. They met on a dating site, so at least no one could accuse my mom of trying to pick him up at a funeral. His children in particular thought it was too soon and they were all adults (though some still living at home).

Based on that, I think 3 weeks is far too soon. If he's giving out 'vibes', let him get his grief shags elsewhere, with someone who's not expecting a relationship out of it. He needs to think about his children now, not another potential partner. If you miss your chance and he gets involved with someone else, you'll probably be glad of it, as I'm sure your friend won't be so happy that he's spent so little time mourning her sister.

So disrespectful to even look at someone in terms of fancying them when they are grieving.

I just snorted flapjack over my keyboard, thanks BearlyThere

Whether the man is ready and willing or not, for my own self repect i'd be pushing my 'crush' on him (is that what it is?) firmly to the back of my mind and keeping my love life separate from giving support to my grieving friend, ect.

God almighty, go find yourself man who's wife hasnt died just 21 days ago !!

Surley the strength of feeling given by the majority posters here is telling you something? Even if it's not what you wanted/expected to hear.

Mooncup Goddess - yes you might be onto something.

Op - you are a sick puppy you really are and you really need to have a good think about what sort of person would even entertain this fantasy.

Here is the acid test: tell you best friend about your feelings for her dead sisters husband. Tell her right now and ask her what she thinks because you know what the answer is because you know you are wrong to even go there. Grief is a terrible thing especially when is is so new and raw and I cannot even believe you have allowed yourself to go there in your head.

I pray to fuck that you are a troll I really do. What is so blindingly obvious is that you couldn't actually give a fuck about any of the poor people involved in this tragedy is it just about snaffling some poor bloke before he finds someone else. Essentially, getting in there first.

I'm going to ignore what most of the other posters have said, because I think I know what you're looking for.

In some respects this is similar to what my sister went through. But she was good friends with the woman who died, and so already had a friendship with the widower before he was one (IYSWIM).

Over friendly coffees, and chats and seeing each other at church it turned into more than a friendship for both of them. They took their time, made sure it was the right thing before involving their DC (who already knew each other and were friends anyway). They have now been married for 6 years. But.... the mourning process he went through for the wife continues in small ways, which just occasionally makes it a little hard for my DSis. (She came out of a bloody awful relationship and was glad to be rid of her ExH).

It can work, but you need to be very sensitive and very controlled. If you do stick around and be a friend and he does eventually show an interest in you, YOU would need to be the one to drag your feet. Because he could well confuse loneliness for genuine affection/love and then where the hell would you be?! (In a lot of pain!!!)

If you don't feel you can control yourself and just be a friend - suppressing the attraction until he is far more ready, then back away, fast. He has a whole lot of 'firsts' to get through. First birthdays (for everyone), first wedding anniversary, anniversary of her death, etc. That first year is bloody hard for a very good reason. EVERYthing that used to be a happy occasion instead reminds you of your loss.

You need to also take into account your friend here, how will she feel? Will she feel hurt? Will you lose a good friendship there? Or do you think she would be happy?