Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

My Fiance passed away nearly 4 years ago, would have felt very horrified if anyone had approached me in a romantic fashion for at least 18 months or 2 years. You must allow him plenty of time, anything else will look unseemly and innappropriate.

Not to miss the irony of your very witty post Maryz but

WE DON'T KNOW THAT SHE'S JEWISH

not that it matters

Q. What to do? --A. Wait

Not only is it too soon, but the hurt it would cause to his wife's family will never heal.

Something similar, but a lot less dramatic happened in my DH family. Uncle took up with new woman just a few months after his wife died. They were older than you (I guess as the children were in 30s and 40s) and wife's family found it insulting to her memory and he has ostracised himself, and his new partner from a close knit family that he was very much a part of for over 40 years. This was about 5 years ago and the rift is still unhealed.

If he feels strongly for you, then why would he allow himself to be snapped up by someone else?

I think the key phrase in the OP was that her judgement is skewed.

OP has fairly recently come out of an abusive relationship and is alone with a young DS.

My last three relationships were very bad and they similarly 'skewed' my judgement. They also resulted in me feeling desperately lonely. I, for instance, perceived a 'vibe' from a local guy who worked in a shop I (used to!) frequent. He was really chatty and smiley and took an interest in my DS. I thought he was giving me the glad eye. I completely misread it and wrote him what I thought was a sassy, sexy letter asking him out, with my number on it. Poor guy rang me (number withheld ) and was very sweet but said he was attached, clearly he hadn't been flirting, just being a normal friendly shopkeeper! I was mortified.

This was the worst instance of what is a recurring obsession of mine: that I need to feel I'm still attractive, that I might still find a partner who is 'a good one', that I'm not going to be alone and lonely forever, etc. It comes from being a single mum who's alternated between years alone and years being fucked up by seriously faulty dynamics in her interactions with men.

I rather feel that OP has misinterpreted the 'vibe' of a man who is newly, painfully alone, and who is grateful for help and company because he probably doesn't know how he even keeps getting out of bed in the morning. I hope she can take a (big) step back and not do anything drastic which might cost her important friendships and indeed her own dignity.

I know a case where this happened and it all ended up with a happily ever after scenario. In that case the bereaved party made very clear advances and the eventual partner backed off other than offering friendship. For a while anyway while and then it developed really not that long after.

I wouldn't make any advances - it's far too soon, but nothing wrong with offering friendship and support.

Maryz- It's hard to explain if you're not immersed in the work of The Jews...! so saying religion doesn't come into it... Well yes it does ( though being Jewish is more a cultural thing for a lot of people really not very much about the God bit). But what I said was partly tongue in cheek.

The people who said she is marking her terriotory are not a million miles off from some women I know!

Some cultural cliches are true and if any of you are familiar with Jewish comedians and jokes it might explain a wee bit.

Btw Some hysterical comments on here generally, though I concur that jumping in is way too soon and she must think of his children.

Sorry for shit typing - on stupid shitty iPad

World not work

Fucking iPad

ah, thanks proudnscary.

Tamoo ouch!

OP I hope you can get off your high horse a bit to listen to the pages and pages of posts saying the same thing. With passion, admittedly - because the whole idea is horrifying.

yy grief can do some weird things to people, I get that. He may be giving you the glad-eye but probably because he's off his head with grief and florence nightingale has appeared on the horizon on her white charger, clearly offering herself. I briefly met a man socially who I very strongly fancied (not that he knew) whose wife was ill, it turned out, and she suddenly died. I got out of there very quickly 1. for me (if I'm completely honest - there was NO WAY he would have been good relationship material at that stage) and 2. for him and their kids. I had a choice, I could've hung around - it certainly would have been acceptable in the circs as he was newly bereaved and everyone was flocking to help, but I would have been lying to myself and being a bit of a vulture tbh . He had plenty of people around him and I barely knew him anyway.

There are a lot of things that deeply concern me about your posts OP but this in particular..

I will do what some here have advised: offer the support I would offer from purely altruistic motives for now

..because you are a codependent extraordinaire and to say that is like an alcoholic saying they'll just have one social drink. Codependence is an addiction and imo you are lying to yourself - there is no way you will 'offer the support altruistically', codependents are incapable of that. To put it bluntly, he represents a very juicy fix for someone who is addicted to rescuing broken people.

Please, go to CODA, see a counsellor. For your sake but especially for his. Being in the clutches of a codependent is extremely damaging and the poor man has enough on his plate for now.

Whoa, ok ladies, enough of the fruit loops and mare comments. Be reasonable. OP has asked for advice not jumped his bones already Jeesh. No need to be so harsh!

OP, you are almost certainly getting vibes from this man but they probably aren't what you think. He has more than likely turned to his wife for love, cuddles an sympathy for years every time he needed comfort. Now she's not there to provide it he will be subconsciously be seeking the security and comfort he got from his wife but she's not there. He's not seeing you as you, he probably thinks he is but he's not. The second anything physical happened he would most likely drown himself in guilt and resent you for being the person he turned to.

When you ad that to the fact that you have been hurt very recently (because 8 months is still very recent) then its no surprise that you are attracted to a man who loved his wife and family so much, especially because your own husband has failed you so badly.

He is simply seeking comfort and you are seeking the love he had for his wife. It's a very natural attraction but that doesn't make it a good idea. If you were to peruse this everyone involved would be hurt. I would recommend that you offer friendship and companionship but leave sex, lust and love out of the equation. If in several months there is still a connection then do what you think feels right. Best of luck OP

Maryz - wow a Jewish man in Ireland?!
You weren't offensive at all, just pointing out that some cliches are kind of true and the Jewish man/woman ardently seeking a spouse is one of those truisms (though I'm obviously totally generalising!).
Also (again generalising) many Jewish people are quite forthright and direct about what they want and go for it, plus they are good at networking and using any contacts for romantic or business gain!

Oh and Peaches I agree. As I said last night, there has been a lot of hysteria on this thread and there is no need to annihilate or demonise the OP (even though I too agree it's unpalatable and not a good idea to pursue her feelings at this stage).

You've let THREE WEEKS GO BY WITHOUT MAKING A MOVE. ??!!!!!!!!!!!!! [CONFUSED] Oy vey! You Schmuck.

My mother lost two of her best female friends to cancer in 2010.

Both of their husbands were in relationships within 2 months of the deaths. And in fact they are both still together.

Also they had been together form teens to mid 60's so probably never had other partners before.

Their children have found it difficult although have accepted it,and besides they have their own families,they aren't young children.

Okay,I am Jewish (ethnically and culturally, not really practicing) and am really enjoying the affectionate (I assume ) characterisations of Jewish behaviour here.

But I have said it before upthread and have been ignored (and why wouldn't I be??) and so I will say it one more time

WE DO NOT KNOW THAT THE OP IS JEWISH

not that it matters hugely but if we are drifting into psychological interpretations of faith based characteristics we could be going up a blind alley!!

Could someone PM the OP and ask her

solidgoldbrass I aim to please.

Well I fear that it would be an intrusion too far Maryz (not that that has ever stopped me in the past!) so I will just put out an appeal here:

Hopeful are you there? If so could you put an end to this debate before whole theses are written based on a possibly false premise.

I love that this has turned into The Jewish Thread!