I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

[Sarsaparilllla]

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

I have every confidence in your judgement IB.

If you say this twunt's a cock-lodging, coked-up, free-loading pisshead, I'll start building the scaffold.... erm... ... it seems he's already hung himself.

It may hurt like hell now, but any pain will be as nothing compared to what you'll suffer in the future if you are fool enough to hitch your star to this lying piece of lowlife scum's wagon, Sars.

You deserve so much better - and he's out there waiting for you. honey.

Sars, this is so awful for you.

But everyone is right, you've had a really lucky escape from this one.

In regards to telling your brother, your OP was written fresh the morning that you'd seen the text, so maybe take this with you when you go to see your DBro and ask him to read it while you sit with him. Everything you wrote was before he had even tried to deny it and even though you still absolutely know that you're still completely clear on what you saw, your OP is a very strong one. It may act as an aid to telling your DBro the devestating news.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

Morning Sars, been thinking about you and hopinge you are feeling strong this morning to tell db - you know you have to.

Also I think Nevertidy's idea is a good one - ask STBX to sit and go through the texts together so he can explain. He will most likely have deleted them - but ask him why would he do that if they were so innocent?

You know what you read
You know what you need to do
You know you are better than this x

I've read the other threads too, and have to say even without this affair with your brother's wife, it does rather sound like your settling for someone because they are ok, there's stuff you like about them, it's not awful all the time, you have a shared history and friends and family, you want to be with someone and have children soon (consciously or subconsciously) and you're swept up in wedding planning. But really, even if the coke thing isn't a massive day to day issue, even if his good qualities make up for his unwillingness to split finances and be a partner, even if he wasn't lying to you, you do deserve better. If you're going to marry someone, don't just settle for what you have. There's a whole world of men out there, find someone who cherishes you, partners you and respects you. X

SARS, I feel so, so sorry this has happened to you. Good luck with telling your brother, I can understand why you have waited and how nervous you must be. I hope he is able to see as clearly as you can what a cow his wife has been. he is lucky to have a sister like you.

I also hope you have someone around in RL who can love and look after you and help you to extricate yourself from this liar and rebuild your life.

So sorry Sars that you are having to deal with this..

Don't let him sway what you saw, you know it, and your 'gut' reaction told you to look at the phone - never doubt that either!! A 'gut' reaction is there for a reason so take note of it.

His reaction speaks volumes, he could have laughed it off, told you, you were being silly and tried to make you feel better, or he could have admitted it and tried to rebuild your relationship. But to instantly be on the defensive and try and put the blame on you, imo, tells you that he's hiding something and that he's only looking at deflecting and covering his own arse with no thought to you...

I know you know this, but you do need to tell your brother, he needs to know and although it'll be difficult he'll understand and it might help him if he's experiencing difficulties in his relationship - you never know whats going on with him and your SIL behind closed doors.

All the best, and I know it's not done on here, but virtual hugs from me! x

your vision is skewed by this man, very hard to SEE when you are in a situation.

but think on, think how great your life could be, with a NICE man, who you will be HAPPY with. A nice normal caring man who absolutely loves you to bits.
Who will never make you feel used or confused, someone you might want to have children with, a man you can rely on.

Money spent on a sham wedding is worth diddly compared to your actual life and future op.

In the title you say you know what you should, you still know what you should do.

chuck the fuck out.

noone says it will be easy, or that is will hurt like shit. but it will pass.x

I am just wondering why, a woman who has her own house, a good career and is financially dependent would have a boyfriend like this? I would have thrown my dh out by now, but you haven't yet Sars, why not?

Is there a reason why you feel dependent on this man? Are you independent in other ways - do you go out socially? Do you see your friends?

He obviously thinks that he can bullshit his way out of this, his arrogance is overwhelming and I wonder why? Has this type of thing happened before? Do you feel intimidated by him? Does he often make you question your thoughts and opinions?

Setting aside your previous posts, as I haven't read them, he has been having an affair with your sister in law behind your back. Banter is when you send flirty, humorous texts. These texts were about meeting and keeping their relationship secret. He knows what texts you read and how he can pass this off as banter is beyond me.

He also managed to turn it around so that you were to blame for snooping. Yet would you have snooped if you had not been suspicious? Do you make a habit of snooping? Or does this man carry around so many secrets that you feel you have to snoop in order to find out what he's been up to at any given time?

He sounds controlling, like a bully. For some reason you feel tied to him, even though you KNOW he's having an affair with your SIL. You say this isn't finished yet, but you haven't told your brother and you haven't thrown him out.

I'm pleased your friend is offering support, I think you most definitely need it, but I also think you need a bit of a kick up the arse. You need to examine yourself very carefully and ask why you are with this man, what does he do for you? What is he providing? Outwardly you are confident and independent, but inwardly? Do you think this is all you deserve?

You need to start taking control of this situation. At the minute he is dictating everything - how you should feel, what you should do and even what you should think. You need to turn that around and tell him what he should do, think and feel. It's been 4 days since you discovered his cheating, don't sit on this for a week. For some reason you have chosen a very destructive boyfriend, but you are not tied to him and you don't have to marry him. Why is he still living under your roof?

Get angry. He's taken the piss long enough and he's making a complete fool out of you. Just think, they both feel they've got away with it and are laughing behind your back. So get bloody angry. Stop thinking and start doing.

oh sars this alone would be enough to make me get rid, but reading the history on previous threads I have no idea why you havent got rid of him.

Please get angry and strong, he is taking the piss and you are letting him.

A very good and thoughtful post from Rhubarb there.

What do you think he will do next? Now that he knows that you even let him have an affair with your sil without any consequence for himself?

How do you think your brother will feel if he realizes you know and have been standing by him? Doubly betrayed?

I hope you manage to analyze yourself and your own behaviour in this, and I hope you manage to speak to your brother.

Sars whilst I agree with practically every poster on here (and have already added my own thoughts to the thread), I suspect that our 'rational' and 'logical' - "how on earth can you stand for it?" type questions might be too much at the moment?

I don't expect you are feeling logical or rational at all. I expect you are feeling panicked, lonely and desperate and possibly the 'whys and wherefore's' are too much to contemplate right now.

I think you should focus on small, practical - rather than emotional - steps.

Talk to your brother before you are broken into doubting yourself.

Let your HP believe you have a copy of the texts and make it clear that you are in no doubt as to what they tell you, and that his lies and denial are making it worse. Get him to understand there is no possibility of him 'convincing you otherwise' as you are already completely clear.

And see where you are from there.

Have been lurking but just wanted to applaud everything Rhubarb said in her last post.

PLEASE, talk to your brother.

ok ok, I'm feeling fragile enough right now, I'm dealing with this and will sort it, but I think it's very easy to look at a situation from the outside and say what you would or wouldn't immediately do in my situation

This time last week I was happily engaged and planning a wedding, my whole world has come crashing down around me from nowhere, we share groups of friends, this clearly involves not just our relationship but my brothers marriage and my own realtionship with my brother - we have our whole lives around each other, and it's difficult to take this all in and act in the 'right' way, if such a thing exsists

Thanks for all your support

Oh Sars I really hope the help you needed hasn't overwhelmed you, sorry, it's just so hard not to be utterly outraged on your behalf.

Good luck, I hope you get sorted out.

Go at your own pace Sars, people are just anxious for you, worried for you. We all support you. Although you must feel monumentally crap atm, I suspect and hope that sharing it with your bro, however awful the news is for him, will help you. Good luck.

Sars, one thing I would say is that your brother is going to wonder why you have kept something this important from him for so long. He really does have a right to know and I would try and find a way to tell him as soon as possible.

Is there another family member, your mum or another sibling that you could confide in and get advice on how best to do this?

Sorry haven't read through the whole thread yet, so i apologise if am repeating what someone else has said.
If he hasn't deleted the texts then I think forwarding them will not help much ie they're not emails so wont show the record.
What you could do is take photos of each text. That way, no one can assail what you are saying.
I'm so sorry. This too SHALL pass.

What do you think you will do, Sars?

totally get why you are overwhelmed sars. everyone does.

i read one thread about him being drug user and alcohol abuser back in 2010. sounds like a childish twat to me. even more so having read his response to you on this thread.

I hear what you are saying Sars.

I'm so glad you have a friend to confide in.

It's monumentally hard.

There's a while until August. You know that you can come back here for advice any time.

Maybe look through some other relationships threads. I've seen some of your posts to others - you know what you're up against here, I know that. You aren't daft.

Doesn't make it any easier.

The thing is, it has crashed down. It isn't a case of you making that decision, it's already made. Everything has already changed - they've done that for themselves.

Don't find yourself in the position of your fiance ending up holding it over YOU that you kept this from your brother. These things have a way of turning themselves unexpectedly. Please talk to your bro - I am sure he will be there for you while you BOTH decide how to handle it and you'll feel that a weight has been lifted.

I have a feeling you might not come back, if so, I really just want to say, if you marry this weasel, he will fuck you over financially. Please protect yourself. Whatever else you do, don't bloody marry him!!

Good luck SARS. Maybe if you can take a few days off work. Get away on your own for a few days. Sort your head out. Get drunk. Cry a bit. You might renew some of the energy confusion and shock has taken from you.

Sweetie it strikes me that of all this shit which has engulfed you, you need to put as much effort as you can into preserving the relationship which really matters - that is, the one with your brother.

You need to consider how to tell him - and bear in mind he might stay with her - he might believe her - and try to ensure your relationship with him survives that too.

You did not make it crash down sars, he did. I agree that you need to work to preserve the relationship that matters: the one with your brother.

This is probably one of the worst things to have ever happened to you. It happened to you. You did not cause it.

Thank goodness you found out when you did.

I feel really sorry for your brother though. He actually married a liar and a cheat.

At least you now know what you're getting into.

This man is not a real man. He is not a decent person by any stretch. And he will do it all again. And again. Hopefully to some other poor sap, not you.

I'm loathe to post much in case I upset you OP, which I do not want to do. But judging by previous posts, which I have now read, it seemed that your relationship with him has been rather rocky and you have had doubts about his committment to you?

I understand completely that it's been a huge shock and you need to prepare yourself for the almighty fallout that will inevitable follow - and let's face it, everyone deals with these things in different ways - but the longer you leave it the harder it might get to face up to it. I'm just worried that you might be tempted to forget that you ever saw the texts and carry on as normal for fear of causing trouble.

You've put up with quite a lot from him in the past. I hope now that the tide turns. Best of luck.