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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 03/03/2012 15:20

FFS some kind of support you get on here Hmm

As Pinecones says, strangely I've had a few things more important on my mind than coming back on this particular thread, I was intending to come back to update, but seeing as some folk seem to have made up their minds already I won't bother

Thank you to those who have supported me

OP posts:
LeBOF · 03/03/2012 15:23

You've had an awful lot of posts, and maybe three snippy ones at the end.

Oh well. Good luck to you anyway, and your brother.

Bluebelle38 · 03/03/2012 15:30

Sars - it is your choice to stay with him if you want.

But this thread is now 19 pages long. Seems a bit odd you would be offended at a few replies at the end when everyone else has been so supportive?

Perhaps you have decided to stay with him and keep your mouth shut and hope for the best and it is easier to do that without explaining yourself here. If that is the case, I really do wish you luck.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 03/03/2012 15:30

you have had amazing support on here!

Like BOF says, good luck to you and your brother.

LilacWaltz · 03/03/2012 15:40

So that's it? End of thread?

AbbyAbsinthe · 03/03/2012 15:41

Hmm yourself

Just because you know that you're letting this go and you know that you shouldn't be... doesnt make it everyone else's fault.

Lots of people gave their time to advise and support you.

LeBOF · 03/03/2012 15:43

You wonder sometimes what a bloke actually needs to do on here to get himself dumped. He must have a cock of solid gold.

mummytime · 03/03/2012 15:48

Folks - how come some of you seem to know what sarsp has done? You don't and deciding to criticise her means you may never know.

Sarsp I hope everything is ow out in the open, and that Things get better over time.

WinkyWinkola · 03/03/2012 16:02

Well, I too think there's been amazing support on this thread for you SARS.

It's not like people want you to update for salacious details. I believe it's due to genuine concern for your - and your brother's - wellbeing.

Wishing you all the best and I hope it all turns out right.

catinboots · 03/03/2012 16:04

arf at cock of solid gold Grin

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2012 16:06

The thing is, OP, that people get very involved in the Relationships thread. People come on and post a problem they're having and the support is absolutely tremendous. There were many, many of us who were really worried about you and how you were going to deal with the problem you had.

When such a lot goes in, it's only natural for people to want to know how the situation was resolved. Naturally, you are angry at the moment, but don't you think that might be because you are in a very difficult situation at home, rather than because people on here are worried that you are letting your fiance get away with murder?

I noticed you'd posted on other threads - I was relieved you had, because it meant you were well enough to be online. I know when I found out the extent of my ex's infidelity, I thought I would die from the shock and the shame and I was glad to see you could post on other threads about everyday matters.

We were worried about what happened to you, worried that - because of the wedding and your brother - you might try to brush this away. Many, many of us have been in similarly awful situations and it's hard to sit back and see someone turn a blind eye. We've done it - we're trying to prevent someone else from doing it.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2012 16:09

Shit, lost the last bit.

I was just saying that many of us have been in a similar position to you; one where we have learned terrible news and either faced up to it or turned a blind eye until, inevitably, we can't do that any longer.

An intense thread like this brings us all together - everyone was rooting for you and it's inevitable people want to know how you are now.

SucksToBeMe · 03/03/2012 16:36

Well said IB

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2012 16:39

Thanks, Sucks; probably the worst written post I've ever made, but I hope you understood what I meant!

PineCones · 03/03/2012 16:40

IB that was very well written I have to say.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 03/03/2012 16:49

Sorry, my emotions are all over the place, I read those couple of posts suggesting they knew exactly what was going on and lost it a bit

I've finally beaten the truth out of my fiance, and I've spoken to my brother

It was exactly as I thought, as I knew, as we all knew, they've been texting, have met up to 'discuss the situation' whatever the fuck that means and they've kissed, at the flat she shares with my brother when we stayed there a few weeks ago, and last Sat, as I thought

He gave me his phone and I read all the messages, they're both as bad as each other, he packed a bag this morning and he's at his parents house, he's getting the rest of his stuff out within the week

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 03/03/2012 16:50

IB, thanks that was a fantastic post :)

OP posts:
HepHep · 03/03/2012 16:52

Oh God Sars, I'm so sorry :( Well done for getting at the truth/telling your brother, and taking decisive action. Huge un-mn hugs to you. xx

WinkyWinkola · 03/03/2012 16:53

Sarsaparilla, you are amazing. What a strong woman.

Littlemissnegative · 03/03/2012 16:56

Oh Sars I am so sorry, what a pair of scumbags they are. I am glad you posted, so many of us have been wondering how you are. How is your DB? I really hope you don't have to suffer anymore at the hands of this man and I hope you continue to post, so many posters have been in similar situations and can give you so much support. Well done to you for confronting them, that must have been extremely hard.

CiderwithBuda · 03/03/2012 16:58

How awful for you. How did your brother take it? The ripples from this affect so many of your family. Your parents must be upset too to see two of their children so hurt.

AbbyAbsinthe · 03/03/2012 17:01

I am so sorry x

Vicky2011 · 03/03/2012 17:01

I'm so sorry Sars. You will feel beyond shit-awful now but I promise this is the right decision in the long run. He was a bad man.

PeppermintPasty · 03/03/2012 17:02

Well Sars, you know what you've done don't you? -You've freed yourself from years of misery, self doubt and mistrust and set yourself on the way to find a relationship one day with a man who really loves you, one who would never even entertain a thought of cheating on you. I've no doubt that one day you will have the beautiful wedding that you want and a strong marriage to follow. What a shitty time for you, but this will all pass. Respect to you.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2012 17:06

Thanks for replying.

It doesn't matter how much you suspect, it's still a body blow when you find out for certain. For me, it was as though I didn't know my own history - even years later I remembered something that hadn't quite fitted - it was there niggling away all those years and then, like the last piece in the jigsaw, it fell into place.

I hope you and your brother are okay. Thank god you have the house and you can kick him out and remain in your own home.