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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
Snowsister · 01/03/2012 13:35

I've been following this thread and had nothing to add to the fantastic advice until now.
Re the wedding and planning babies and being in your early 30s. I was 33 and 4 yrs with and totally in love with ex p. He was an occassional Drug user, unreliable and had ea if not pa.
It was very painful to finish with him. In the end I had to he was completely taking the piss. I was devastated. I think your oh is like him. Putting you in a position where you have no choice but to take responsibility and end it becsuse he will not. He doesn't have the guts.

It was the best decision I have ever made btw. Met my dh a year later and he is fab. Great husband and father.

Think about what you want for the future.

loveverona · 01/03/2012 13:54

Thinking of you SARS. Really hope you are coping OK. How are things today? Any progress?

GossipMonger · 01/03/2012 17:59

Hope you are OK and you are right when you say it is easier to judge a situation from the outside. You are on the inside of it all and you must feel devastated.

However, you know what you read and you know what you should do.........

xx

izzyizin · 01/03/2012 18:30

it's difficult to take this all in and act in the 'right' way, if such a thing exists

You're still in shock, honey, but don't allow yourself to doubt what you saw and what you instincitively know which is that he and your sil are liars who have grossly betrayed your brother and yourself.

There is a right way to act in this situation and that is to ensure that your personal integrity is not compromised by those who do not possess your moral values and standards.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to explain to your brother why you failed to tell him as soon as you discovered that you have both been taken for mugs by a couple who are not fit to lick your boots.

lazarusb · 01/03/2012 18:54

By all means, take time to process this. Take a step back and look at this objectively. If your friend was in your position, what would you think?

But still, please...tell your brother. He has every right to know. Remember, YOU haven't caused this situation. YOU are the innocent and hurting one.

Take care.

madonnawhore · 01/03/2012 19:12

I really think your brother needs to know now. It's mean not to tell him. Even though it's utterly shit for you too.

You haven't done anything wrong. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the mess that these two selfish people have made.

But if youre wavering, do think seriously about what your future would be like if you stayed with this man. You'd never be able to forget about this. You'd always be wondering where he was, what he's up to. You've seen him tell enormous lies to your face, so you know what he's capable of.

It's a very long rest of your life. Is that really how you want to live it?

Bluebelle38 · 01/03/2012 20:26

Awful, awful situation, but dealing with the fallout now is better than spending the rest of your life wondering if he is up to no good.

How can anyone ever trust a man that is able to conduct an affair with his fiance's brother's wife. It is sick.

All he thinks about is himself. I may be able to try and forgive him, but I would never ever forget and that is no way to live.

madonnawhore · 01/03/2012 20:33

This isn't just about whether or not there's a wedding and how much face can be saved with family and friends.

After the wedding there's the whole of the rest of your life to live with someone who has cheated on you and hurt a member of your close family in the process.

If you stay with him, you'll never feel secure. And once the initial hysteria and shock has worn off, the mistrust and resentment will set in like stone. You're on a hiding to nothing if you stay.

SnapesMistress · 01/03/2012 20:48

Hope you feel up to dealing with everything soon. x

prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2012 23:40

You're right there is a lot at stake and it is certainly u to your brother about how he reacts.

But what i would say is that you guys are not married yet, and that will affect your brothers decision. I have been at two weddings where we thought the couple had problems, there is nothing more uncomfortable..... Don't worry about your guests when you think of your wedding, they will much prefer that they don't have to watch a couple get married that really shouldn't. You deserve better x

dappply · 02/03/2012 07:56

I also broke an engagement at age 33. Had been with my then BF for eight years, engaged for 2. Took every bit of courage I had to do it, but I had to because I'd realised that when I'd accepted his proposal it wasn't because it was right for us to get married and I was confident he'd be the best husband and father, but because I loved him in the doomed romantic ou d of way you have in your twenties and thought that I couldn't be without him, because I thought after so long together I should (or else what had we been doing together all that time) and that I thought consciously and subconsciously that if I didn't marry him that I was also giving up my chance of ever getting married and having children. Infact making the decision to break the engagement tookme a long time because for me it meant coming fully to terms with what I thought was the likelyhood that I'd never be a mother.
My boyfriend wasn't dreadful , he wasn't hurting me, abusing me or anything. He had his faults: he was financially dependant on me, he was frequently depressed and therefore unable to work and socialise, he drank and smoked too much. But he did love me, was extremely affectionate, was kind, fun. I felt that the understanding we'd built up and intertwined life was unbreakable. But there was always this nagging doubt that he wasn't my partner, that he didn't look after me, that I had to look after him. And as alarm bells go it wasn't defeating, but it was there constantly for years and in the end I listened to it.

Hardest thing I ever did, but had to be done. I totally understand how hard this will be for you OP. but if I can give you the end of my story, a year after splitting up with him I was pregnant to my now DH with our first, married two years after that and now six months later pregnant with our second.

Not entirely sure why I 'm telling you all this OP, I could be barking up the wrong tree, but I just get the feeling from reading your other threads thatyou're settling. Apologies if that's wrong. I'm just reading words on a screen and maybe interpretting them through my own experience. But if I'm not, if any of what I wrote chimes with you, then take courage. Ending your engagement could be the best thing you ever do. Even without this latest incident, I think you deserve better than your fiancée. Good luck.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 02/03/2012 10:18

dapply what a sad, but encouraging post.

Thats the thing isnt it? Settling because you assume thats what you 'should' do, not expecting better.

Marriage is about a partnership, respect and love. I dont think Sars has that with her fiancee. And nobody should accept being treated that way. Sad

Yousaidwhattt · 02/03/2012 10:32

I've read this thread, didn't realise it was so long.

One thing. I think you aren't telling your brother, because then it will be in the open. You'll have to admit what your oh really is then, it may force your hand into dumping him. If your brother reacts badly.

By not telling him I agree, it's a bit mean. I would say selfish. Blood is thicker than water.

So you know his wife is having an affair with your df. But you haven't told him. Don't you think he has a right to know. He is your flesh and blood why would you not tell him his wife is shagging about? I'm sure you would if it were someone else.

So just say you hush all this up, which I think you may do. As I still don't get why you haven't told your db...how are you going to face her? Face your db? How are you going to explain lack of attendance at social occasions such as the weekend this happened? He is going to know something's up. Also what happens when he finds out himself, he will. This sounds a long term affair from the messages. They will get careless again. You'll need top acting skills when he comes to you and you'll have to pretend you never knew. What happens then when he works out you knew and could have saved him months/years of living a lie.

Would you risk losing your db and the scorn of the family for keeping this a secret, to save face for this idiot. Really?

WinkyWinkola · 02/03/2012 11:39

I'm not sure flesh and blood has anything to do with it particularly. I mean, surely if your oh is snagging the spouse of a friend of yours, you should tell them too?

SARS, I think that if you don't tell your brother what you know, it shoes how you are actually already dragged down into the amoral swamp where your lowlife fiancé and sil reside.

You can do a whole lot better than this turd. Come on woman. Kick him to the kerb.

He most certainly will fuck around behind your back again.

TheLastNameLeft · 02/03/2012 12:53

Sars, Im another that has read this entire thread with my jaw on the floor!

What an absolute tosser your fiance is Angry

My ex husband also had an affair with a work colleague of his, my evidence? probably a lot more tenuous than yours.... She turned up on the doorstep of our home; less then three months into our marriage, in floods of tears and telling him she was going to go away and never come back.

All he admitted to was a drunken kiss on a works do that she initiated and he pushed her away from, obviously thinking I fell from the last passing space ship. My instinct told me that a woman would not run the risk of upsetting someones marriage for a failed drunken kiss on a dance floor.

Over the thirteen years we have now been divorced little snippets have came out, the best one was that all his mates knew about it, these mates who would come round our house with their wives, partners and socialise with us.

We are friends now [we have a 20 year old together] and he would still deny it ever happened to this day if I asked him, Im sure of that. The irony is that he went on to cheat on his next partner [who is now his wife] while she was pregnant, I know this as he told me.

The point I am making is that your instincts are worth listening to, not what he has to say. he has lied to you, you know it and so does he.. so now you are playing "poker" you have the best hand, the sooner you realise this the better

Also, please get in touch with your brother and let him know what you know. You can do it gently, at least your brother wont have this information dealt to him like the suckerpunch you had.

Really feel for you though Sad I wish you well X

Pollykitten · 02/03/2012 12:59

Christ on a bike - at least you know now and not after the wedding. What a terrible situation. Can you get a good friend on stand by - and take any support offered in the next few days.

lazarusb · 02/03/2012 14:42

Look at it this way OP. Your f knows what is going on, I am sure he has told SIL. You know Sad. The only person who isn't aware now is your db.
This is not your fault OP and you are in an awful position but, your db needs to know. It won't be easy, it will make this real. But at least then you won't be complicit in their deceit. Hopefully your db can give you the support you need too.

Snapespeare · 02/03/2012 14:59

Sars, just to say I've been thinking about you a lot and while you feel very far away from OK at the moment, you will be. You will look back and thank whatever you believe in that you had an opportunity to see your F as he really is. I hope you are able to approach your DB soon and tell him what has happened. This is too big for you to carry alone, he has a right to know.

WhereMyMilk · 02/03/2012 15:55

Hoping you've gathered your strength Sars and managed to tell your DB & kicked the wanker into touch,x

mencantdoyoga · 02/03/2012 23:59

Mmmm well, I notice the op posted on the 'what's your house like' thread, and a few others tonight, so I think she's going for the burying the head in the sand approach...

izzyizin · 03/03/2012 00:33

That's interesting yoga.

You'd have thought she'd have come back here, but maybe not on that particular question because we know that that her house is built on sand and that it isn't in order - and never will be until she gets the lying lowdown twunt out of it.

O well, it's to be hoped she enjoys the wedding because she sure won't get much enjoyment out of the marriage.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2012 10:16

I noticed that too, mencantdoyoga.

madonnawhore · 03/03/2012 10:53

The worst thing about this whole shitty situation (if I can just pick one thing that's the worst!) is that now that OP knows, she has a responsibility to her brother too.

If this was just some random OW, then maybe OP could get away with sticking her head in the sand and the only person she'd be hurting is herself.

But by choosing to sweep this under the carpet, she'd also be keeping an unforgivable secret from her brother.

When this all blows up (as these things inevitably do), and her brother realises she knew all along but didn't tell him, then that'll be another relationship ruined.

It's a horrible, horrible situation for the OP to have been put in. But because of the brother factor, I think ignoring what's going on would be by far the riskiest strategy in the long term.

WinkyWinkola · 03/03/2012 11:09

Well, she might well be busy dealing with fallout from it all right now. Poor cow. Crap situation because of a toxic man. Hope they all get tested for STDs too.

PineCones · 03/03/2012 11:11

yoga , izzy - I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion though I haven't seen that thread. Unless it is about "where are planning to go away for your next romantic getaway" or "things you love the most about your partner". Advice on MN can be a bit overwhelming and I'd say she has enough to deal with so maybe she doesn't feel up to coming here and justifying or explaining or even updating.
It might well be that she's decided to throw him out or has done it already.
Or not.
I agree it's frustrating for us and it would be nice to know if she did what everyone here thinks is the right thing.