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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please if anyone's up

705 replies

losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:31

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/04/2012 20:02

hi, lost, I was just reading "threads I'm on" after being away for the weekend, and up you popped

he is toxic, and you are not being melodramatic

he has hurt you, and he will continue to do so

I hope you can get this straight in your head, for your sake, and your kids sake

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 15/04/2012 20:05

Thanks AF, I hope so too. I can't carry on like this, it's not healthy for any of us.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/04/2012 20:12

no it isn't healthy, love

however the fact that you are still here, despite so many of us saying "what ???? what are you doing (and variations thereof)" is a testament to you strength of character and a very damning one of his

saddotcom · 15/04/2012 20:33

Hi, just started reading and posting on here myself about something different but this is exactly how i found out my husband was having a 'fling' I thought i was going mad as he had changed and you just know something is not right...I had hit rock bottom and demanded he call work and tell them he was not coming in this afternoon and take kids out as i had work in evening and so so upset. He did and then his father who lived across the road knocked on my door and handed me a phone and said my husband his son had dropped it while visiting with kids...i switched phone on and i had never seen it before and i female name came up and messages...at that point he came back looking for it.
I stayed home for almost 9months and he did finally admit after lies and trying to talk me round...he became very angry suggesting all my fault i drove him to it and so on

what i want to say is i wish i had dealt with it sooner as the damage caused with the torment you sound like your going thru was awful...he would not leave so i did and you know what it was the best decision ever.

Please trust your gut it never lets you down and i wish you all the very best and happy to help in anyway i can if you want to talk about it..good luck and huge hugs x

izzyizin · 15/04/2012 21:14

You are so not being melodramatic, my love.

Knowing what you now know about him, it's no wonder he turns your stomach.

As for the 'plausibility' of the man, that's his stock in trade. It's the way he manages to fool everyone in his life and if he's not a salesman, he's missed his vocation.

As Hattytown said: Someone who has carried out a long term deception like this is never going to be someone who is honest and transparent in his dealings with other people and situations in his life.

'Deceiver' is written through his bones like a stick of rock and you'll be ill-advised to believe otherwise.

For the sake of your sanity, he needs to leave. Whether you allow him to return at some point in the future is something you need to think long and hard about but while you continue to live with him, you'll continue to be 'all over the place' and that is no good for you or your little dc.

izzyizin · 15/04/2012 23:55

With sincere apologies to all of the genuinely honest and decent people who work in 'sales' and related fields, the above should read 'and if he's not a snake-oil salesman, he's missed his vocation.'

theresafire · 16/04/2012 02:22

'turn the extractor fan on full and smash the glass' Izzy - I love you (blush).0p I so understand the desire to stay but the need for the truth would eventually have me smashing the mirror (sts).

theresafire · 16/04/2012 02:24

Mirror

fiventhree · 18/04/2012 09:51

You Ok there Lost?

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 19/04/2012 16:54

Hiya, sorry, not too good at the minute. Spent the last couple of days in and out of hospital with dd. I'm in now with her, not sure what's wrong, temp, vomiting, lethargic and rapid heart rate, but they can't find the cause. We're staying in while they do more tests, I'll post when we get home x

OP posts:
Jokat · 19/04/2012 17:07

Oh Lost so sorry to hear that :( I hope they find a cause soon and can then treat it effectively. God, such a scare is the last thing you need right now! Hope that your poor dd gets well soon x

fiventhree · 19/04/2012 18:37

Really sorry to hear that Lost. Take care and hope your little girl gets well soon.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 19/04/2012 20:17

Thank you. I'm just sitting here feeding her now, poor little mites got a cannula in her hand for bloods and antibiotics (took 4 of them to get it into her Sad) and we're going to have to stay in for a few days until all the tests come back. I've only seen the boys for a few minutes tonight Sad.

OP posts:
MomentarilyLost · 19/04/2012 21:37

Hey lost I have been following your thread,so sorry to hear about your dd, just want to send some love and support. Take care of yourself and wishing your dd well x

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 20/04/2012 12:52

They've done chest xrays, and we're waiting for a lumbar puncture. They're suspecting early meningitis Sad

OP posts:
fiventhree · 20/04/2012 13:54

Oh god, Lost, that is truly disastrous.

I am really wishing you well, and very upset for you.

Please try to stay positive. Not that it will be easy to do.

Please do try to get some sleep too, you will need the energy to cope with such anxiety.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 20/04/2012 16:54

Thank you. We're in our own room now, she's got to be isolated in case of infection. The boys can't even come in to see her. Luckily my mums here till Sunday, so she's brought the boys to hospital, and I'm going to take them to the restaurant for their tea so I get to spend a bit of time with them (they're playing in the play room with their granny while I feed dd). She's perked up a bit at the minute, so fingers crossed.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 20/04/2012 16:57

Finger crossed x

MushroomSoup · 20/04/2012 20:50

Thinking of you x

Lueji · 21/04/2012 01:00

I've just read this.

I do hope she gets better soon. Thanks

landphil · 21/04/2012 01:54

not mad, not a fool.
Just don't be a doormat.
Only you know what's best.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 21/04/2012 10:12

Thank you everyone Smile She's perked up a bit this morning. The lumbar puncture was horrendous, they asked me to leave the room, but I could hear her little screams all the way up the corridor, it seemed to take forever Sad.

Still not sure what it is, we're waiting for all the cultures to come back, but it may not be meningitis looking at the first tests.

She's asleep in her pram at the minute (getting no sleep at night here, she cries her eyes out in the cot, and can't get comfy on the chair with me). So hopefully she'll get a but of rest before the doctors get here xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/04/2012 12:34

all the best, lost, I hope dd gets well soon x

Doha · 21/04/2012 12:57

Poor wee lamb, lumbar punctures are very unpleasant, l hope they get to the bottom of what ails her soon.

Keep your chin up and try get a bit of sleep when DD sleeps but l know how hard that is in hospital

izzyizin · 21/04/2012 13:10

Poor little mite. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like meningitis and the lp should rule that out.

Fingers crossed she's over the worst of a viral infection or similar and that she'll soon be bouncing around again.

Luckily she's too young to remember too much about her ordeal but, sadly, the same can't be said for you.

You've been undergoing your very own annus horribilis and now with your poor little dd being so unwell, 2012 is always going to be seared on your brain - and not just for the Jubilee/Olympic events.

Bad timing or what? Of course the twat's not responsible for your dd becoming ill but, even so, I want to brain him for you because you've done nothing to deserve all of this.

Here's hoping that your dd makes a speedy recovery and that you'll both soon be home again.