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Original poster

DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

161 replies

pluto75 · 21/02/2012 23:24

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 21/02/2012 23:29

Don't know what to say, except can you look him in the eye with your love shining out, even if not your randiness?

duke · 21/02/2012 23:36

He probably feels embarrassed about the dressing up if he thinks your not that into it. Maybe you need a back to basic weekend and find out what's really up, spend some good times together. It's not all sex or no sex choice surely?

toptramp · 21/02/2012 23:39

I think he's being a knob. HE wants you to dress up and moans when you are not that into his kinky sex. He is HURT by it? Oh he needs to grow up big time an daccept that just because you aren't into his style of shagging means that you don't love him. He's a tad manipulative here op.

If he loved you for you he would not not threaten to leave because of this. You are not looking in his eyes because you don't really want to do it op am I right?

toptramp · 21/02/2012 23:40

Is there another women? I don't want to put ideas into your head op but his readyness to leave sounds alarm bells.

LadyNada · 21/02/2012 23:42

I think you should tell him to belt the fuck up.

Sounds like he's throwing a strop.

galletti · 21/02/2012 23:48

Have you thought about going to some sort of counselling together? TBH think he is being a little selfish - you both want a sex life, but he is asking, no telling you how HE wants it to be, and if you dont like it he is hurt. Your sex life needs for you BOTH to be comfortable with it, and you really don't sound like you are. If you don't think you can resolve this together on your own, you really should see someone who will be able to put it all into perspective for both of you.

oikopolis · 21/02/2012 23:48

i can understand why he's embarrassed but he shouldn't really being throwing a strop at you, for goodness sake.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 21/02/2012 23:57

I think it depends really...

Has he just realised that you've just been 'going through the motions'? Or has it been quite obvious that you are not wanting/enjoying the sex? I think that the answer to that makes a big difference

If its the latter I agree he is being very unreasonable, but if its the former, well I have to say I would be very very hurt if I found out my DH was just doing it to please me and wasn't enjoying it, I would feel a real lack of intimacy

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2012 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 22/02/2012 00:05

What a prick!

Hes upset because you're finding it hard to hide the fact that you're not enjoying the sex he is basically forcing you into?

what a wanker.

AmberLeaf · 22/02/2012 00:06

Tell him if he wants to see you enjoying it, then he needs to stop forcing you into stuff you dont actually like and find out what you want in bed.

what a dickhead.

solidgoldbrass · 22/02/2012 00:08

He does seem to need it pointing out to him that your (collective 'your') sex life is not all about him. And that he can't have it exactly the way he wants it right down to making sure you are thinking what he wants you to think.

What concessions and compromises does he make for your benefit, OP? Not just sexually but in general. If the answer is 'none' then that would go a long way to explaining why you are finding it progressively harder to feel enthusiastic about having sex with him.

rockinhippy · 22/02/2012 00:30

You need to toughen up & grow a back bone - its not all about him, you are both in this together - he's been a total drama queen, so put him straight & take no crap - the more you take, the more piss he will takeWink

You make a BIG effort, even though you are not in the mood because you love him, but its not good enough Shock - its common not to be in the mood with 2 young DCs & then on top of that dealing with a depressive, stressed drama queen of a husband on top, who wouldn't go off sex Hmmwhat on earth does the man want - many would give their right arm to be in his shoes - he's behaving like a big spoilt babyHmm

I too have a big sensitive oaf of a man - love him to bits, but when he gets over sensitive & maudlin I've learned to kick him into touch PDQ, otherwise he can get carried away with feeling sorry for himself too - it works for us

zookeeper · 22/02/2012 00:34

Sorry to say but hesounds like he has someone else waiting in the wings. Sad

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 10:19

Thanks to everyone for their input, it is such a bit help to me.

Rockhippy thanks so much for your post, your right I need to toughen up but if I show that I'm not having his emotional meltdowns then it just makes him more pissed off and down. he's been very down about sex for a long time, I think he is really screwed (pardon pun) up about it and his fetishes, i think he is embarassed by them. he has admitted that he thinks he may have a problem, he said it may be due to his vasectomy, the problems really started after he had it.

You say your dh is over sensitve and maudlin how have you learned to 'kick him into touch'? What approach do you take. i t ry to explain to my dh that I do these sexual things for him because I love him and want him to be happy but it has made him more cross and says I'm making him feel guilty.

If I tell him to Fuck off and grow up (as a good friend has said I should do) I'm frightened of what he might do. He would be angry and the atmosphere in our home would be unbearable

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 22/02/2012 10:46

That is no way to live, frightened of what your h will do. So don't be. Do as your friend suggests.

As you'll notice, I have changed my stance in the light of later posts.

Malificence · 22/02/2012 11:02

If he knows you've been putting on an act all this time, I'm not the least bit suprised that he's devastated, what man or woman wouldn't be?

Are you equally resentful and hurt that he didn't see through your act ?

Your sexual relationship sounds deeply unhealthy, you thinking you have to give him sex because of his high libido hasn't helped one bit.

I know what I think you should do, stop pretending and stop letting him have sex with you when you don't want it - it doesn't do either of you any good.

sternface · 22/02/2012 11:21

You say the problems really started after he had his vasectomy? When was that?

Could you be confusing this catalyst with another? Because I agree with posters who suggest he's having an affair.

Does he use porn?

ThePinkPussycat · 22/02/2012 11:25

My original post said what it said because one way of dealing with differing libido levels is for the partner with lower libido to make love out of love for the one with higher libido. And the other partner to not hassle for sex every day, which is in itself a turn off.

But it sounds like there is more going on than mismatched libidos Sad

mojitomania · 22/02/2012 11:27

Sorry OP but he sounds like a manipulative twit. Stop sleeping with him when you don't bloody want to.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/02/2012 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonicrainboom · 22/02/2012 11:39

I'm getting the feeling from your posts that you're afraid of making your husband upset and angry so you do your best to please him, by acting out his sexual fetishes despite not enjoying it .

But then he becomes upset and angry anyway, when you try to please him?

How unreasonable and selfish he sounds! Do you really wish to continue a sexual relationship with him?

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 14:34

Yes he uses porn, he uses it to fulfil his 'feitsh' sometimes, I have no problem with him using it at all, but I just don't like some of the things he does. I thought as a loving wife I should experiment and try to gibe him sexual gratification for the things that turn him on but turn me off. I feel a load of guilt that he has to use porn, that I'm not turned on sexually by the same things he is, it makes me feel a prude and a bit old fashioned because I'm not kinky just like loving, sensual sex (sorry it tmi)

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 14:36

he had his vasectomy about 2 years ago, he has said he feels fucked up sexually and finds it really hard to talk about his sexuality, he has mentioned the change in him could be because of his vasectomy

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 14:37

can any of the posters explain why they think this behaviour may be because my dh is having an affair, sorry if I am a bit naive but I don't get why you may think it. He is rarely late home, he does have the occasional business trip, but it always at home with us when not working

OP posts:
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