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Original poster

DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

161 replies

pluto75 · 21/02/2012 23:24

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 22/02/2012 19:13

Hmm, so why is he not prepared to give up on the fetish stuff and go back to the vanilla sex you both enjoy, if he doesn't like you not being into the fetish stuff?

"Affair" jumped into my mind on a first read, I'm afraid. It seems like he has backed you into a corner so whatever you do was wrong. I even wonder if he introduced the fetish stuff in the hope you would refuse to do it, to give him an excuse to flounce and leave, but you stymied him by going along with it, causing him to raise you by demanding that you enjoy it as much as he does. I must say it takes some serious brass neck to threaten to break up with your wife because she loves you so much she will indulge your rather unpleasant fetish without thought to her own pleasure.

I wonder though if he may be really ashamed of his fetish, and had told himself it's OK because you enjoy it; and that now you have revealed that actually you don't, he sees it for what it is and feels rather sickened. Eg. you said "that having sex the way he wants does make me feel a little like I would if raped," but he thought you liked it like that - he used to think you were both enjoying a bit of rough sex but now he feels he has actually raped you?

Either way he is a twat who needs to get over himself.

I do think the time is right to ask him the following questions:

"DH you seem determined for us to split. May I ask where you think you will find a woman who is prepared to love, and shag senseless with no tailing off of interest after the honeymoon period, a middle-aged divorced man who dumped his young family because he wasn't getting enough sex the way he expressly liked it, and who is addicted to porn and kinky rather nasty sex, and who demands that his partner shares his interest to exactly the same degree? Or have you already found someone?"

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 22/02/2012 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMedea · 22/02/2012 19:32

I find this thread very scary...

I'm a big fan of the 'just do it' philosophy to increase sexual frequency but, and it's a big big BUT, only if you enjoy it once you get going... You should never have sex without enjoying it, that's verging on sexual abuse.

Very worried by the torn clothing fetish, does smack of rape fantasy. I wouldn't be comfortable about going along wth this except for the 'can't wait to have you so must rip things off you now' occasions. Do not participate in something you are not comfortable with jst to please him, that is not what happens in a loving, respectful relationship.

Has he always been a bit like this? Has it got worse lately? Is using porn a lot more? Could you check his browsing history/install a key logger to see what he's actually looking at....

sternface · 22/02/2012 20:12

If this bloke started watching porn before he'd even had a sexual relationship (which sadly applies to lots of men under 40) then that was his 'template' for sex. Porn's got a hell of a lot to answer for and shouldn't escape the blame here.

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 20:31

Ok, thanks for all your posts, have given me so much to think about.

Have decided no longer to do the things I don't like, but apologies if I didn't make it clear dh doesn't force me to do them I do them voluntarily, all be it under some pressure as he pressures me on the frequency we have sexual relations.

He has been angry as he has felt rejected by my coldness during sex, he has taken it as rejection.... ok I know this sounds like I'm making excuses for him and I agree it isn't right for him to feel this way but just trying to explain.

My DH can be a wonderful lover and is very thoughtful (thought I mentioned in earlier post), to pleasuring me.

He is emotionally fiery and emotionally immature, I think sexual counselling would be a real help to him.

Thanks to the male poster who said their own sexual appetite increased following vasectomy, this is what my DH has said and he is genuinely upset and feels like a freak because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 20:34

I've never really thought about Porn and what influence it has had over sex, but what you say sternface is so true. My DH was always into porn from a young age, all his mates were it was the norm, this explains his attitudes towards sex. he is still capable of loving, intimate sex but he also has porographic fantasies which I have tried to emulate for him (albeit wrongly I see that now). This has gone against the grain of my sexuality as I was brought up in my teens on romantic novels and Romcoms so my view of sex is at the opposite end of the spectrum

OP posts:
sternface · 22/02/2012 20:36

What you're describing is pressure and coercion.

It also sounds as though he is switching off during sex, rather than treating it as an intimate and connected experience. The sex sounds as though you are totally objectified and as though you could be anyone, not the wife he's meant to love and cherish.

I don't think anything's going to help until he stops using porn and stops thinking that rape is suitable fodder for his fantasies.

sternface · 22/02/2012 20:42

Cross-posted. Yes, which is why it's so disingenuous to say he was probably already selfish and entitled before he started using porn. While the way he perceived women generally was shaped by his family of origin, the way he perceived female sexuality started in porn, with its gross distortions of sex and women being degraded. Women who were coerced and pressured to look like they were enjoying it.

I'm sure you'll see the parallels here.

hellymelly · 22/02/2012 21:06

I agree with balloonslayers suggested statement. You sound almost worryingly keen to please him.Why are you? I might have had "not quite in the mood yet but probably persuadable" sex with DH,on the odd occasion,but I've never had sex ever when I really didn't feel like it. And I've stopped if I think I'm not in the mood after all.DH has never said anything critical to me about this.He would hate me having sex if I wasn't into it at all.He probably does want sex more than me,but doesn't grumble,and has never used porn. I think your DH is being really unkind and constantly making you feel you have to go along with a fetish you (unsurprisingly) don't enjoy is horrible. I agree on counselling,he needs to see that sex in a loving relationship is something you share,not a drama led by a director who gets annoyed if the actress isn't convincing enough.

solidgoldbrass · 22/02/2012 22:56

Erm, the sex described in most romantic fiction is often very heavy on the 'Can't wait to have you, woman, I'm going to rip all your clothes off' with the female character going 'No no you beast, oh ah... Mmm, actually I quite like it.'
Which does suggest that the clothes-tearing thing works for some women; a common name for romantic fiction is 'bodice-rippers' after all.
But, again - OP, what's he like outside the bedroom? Does he do anything like his fair share of domestic work and childcare? I would be surprised to hear that he did.

BustersOfDoom · 22/02/2012 23:19

And don't forget OP that a sexual relationship should be 50/50. It shouldn't be all about you dressing up to satisfy and please him. When exactly does he satisfy your fetish for loving, non kinky, non-dressing up sex? Why does he think it has to be all his way?

sternface · 22/02/2012 23:50

I don't think the OP's husband has been inspired by Barbara Cartland SGB, although that would be a fetish in itself Wink

springydaffs · 23/02/2012 00:10

I don't think you should feel ashamed that you went along with this OP. It sounds to me that you did it because you felt bad about your 'lower' libido - and that it was probably his demands that made you feel like that; that your libido isn't normal, whereas his is. You may be getting a glimpse now that that isn't the case though Sad

I agree with the other posters that a normal sex drive doesn't mean someone needs sex every day and watch out if they don't get it. It was teling that you said you couldn't refuse him because the atmosphere would be terrible. The fantasies themselves - well, very worrying. You say that he is starting to get worried about it and maybe for the first time he is beginning to see the effect porn has had on his life - and now yours. (imo it is porn that is at the root.) It seems to me that your H is addicted - therefore an addict - and that his demanding and controlling behaviour shows all the hallmarks of addiction. he won't be the first, sadly.

I hope this is a wake-up call for him and that he will face his addiction. It is the hardest part for an addict, facing up to the addiction and taking responsibility for it, facing the shame of it. If he doesn't face it and address it fully, putting his entire weight behind facing it and dealing with it then there is no future for you. There can be no half measures here.

What a nightmare for you. I hope you get appropriate support to deal with the effects of this. It's a very common problem imo but I'm sorry you're having to face it.

duke · 23/02/2012 00:22

I think something is going on here. Things aren't right pluto you're taking to much on board, you are not the only one who can make your sex life better and you are not the only one who can make this relationship work or your DH happy. It's give and take. You need to think what you want and what would make you happy. Don't put up and shut up.

Original poster
pluto75 · 23/02/2012 12:36

But, again - OP, what's he like outside the bedroom? Does he do anything like his fair share of domestic work and childcare? I would be surprised to hear that he did. Outside the bedroom he does a fair share of housework, childcare, he works hard to support the family and he has worked very hard on renovating our house to make it a nice home.

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 23/02/2012 12:38

When exactly does he satisfy your fetish for loving, non kinky, non-dressing up sex? think I mentioned earlier in thread, he is at times of lovemaking a very considerate and good lover and my enjoyment during those times is important to him

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 23/02/2012 12:39

springydaffs I don't think you should feel ashamed that you went along with this OP. It sounds to me that you did it because you felt bad about your 'lower' libido that is exactly why I did it because I felt bad about my own low libido

OP posts:
springydaffs · 23/02/2012 13:03

You may not have a 'low libido' though OP - do you see? You just aren't into his rape stuff and also don't need-it-or-you'll-die every day, at least once. ie an addict Sad

I think you need a hug tbh - if you don't mind me offering one ((hug))

Hardgoing · 23/02/2012 13:14

I've just re-read your first post and the word that leaps is that your husband is 'angry', you mention it numerous times. He need to go back to the GP/take medication/see a counsellor asap. Your house doesn't sound like a happy one, and you don't sound like you like him (quite understandable). How does he show this anger?

As for the sex-life aspect, this is totally overshadowed by his anger (which sounds quite scary) and your passivity, which is really worrying. As others have said, doing stuff for the other person is one thing if you quite enjoy pleasing them and have a good time at the same time, doing activities that make you feel degraded is awful and I'm glad you have decided to stop.

It is not normal for a man to get angry at their partner if they don't want to participate/don't fully enjoy their role-play. They may feel mildly annoyed or disappointed or want to chat about where you go from here. They don't usually get angry and go on and on about it and threaten to split up the family. This is not normal, not ok and I would urge you to talk to your friends or family about your relationship in general, as you are going through a hard time.

sternface · 23/02/2012 13:35

Men like this want women to feel guilty for having a low libido and society sanctions this guilt by its insistence that men need sex in a way that women do not. Unfortunately OP it sounds like you fell for this propoganda.

I don't suppose there's anything unusual about your libido. It's just that you don't want to be treated like a dehumanised receptacle for an angry man's orgasm. A man who is getting off on the power-kick of imagining he's raping you.

Original poster
pluto75 · 23/02/2012 14:58

*You may not have a 'low libido' though OP - do you see? You just aren't into his rape stuff and also don't need-it-or-you'll-die every day, at least once. ie an addict

I think you need a hug tbh - if you don't mind me offering one ((hug* springydaffs thanks for the hug really needed it, you have really made me think in a whole different way about this, I'd never thought he could ne a sex addict, masturbating twice a day, used porn every day, has had other addictions. I thought it was me with problem with low libido and little time for sex due to busy life and tired from 2 young kids

OP posts:
Jux · 23/02/2012 15:08

I'm sorry, he sounds horrible and selfish.

Perriwinkle · 23/02/2012 20:57

He sounds like a complete and utter self absorbed twat and you OP sound scared to death of saying, or doing, anything to upset him.

I think you really need to have a close look at your marriage. It might not be as healthy and fulfilling as you like to think...

AnyFucker · 23/02/2012 21:51

I am totally freaked out by your comment "but what if he didn't use porn and masturbate twice day, where would that lead?" comment

can you tell us what you mean by that ?

that if he didn't have the "release" of masturbation to rape fantasies, he would go and out and rape for real ?

and if you didn't do "preend rape" you don't know what he might do ?

you need to think very, very caefully about the language you use wrt his "needs" and what your fears are if you didn't service them

this thread is one of the worst ones I have ever seen about the damage done by escalating porn use by men and the excuses women make for it

AnyFucker · 23/02/2012 21:51

pretend rape