DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

[pluto75]

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

You have two young children together, and his biggest worry is that you aren't all over him with the same enthusiasm as before?

I don't think you are ever going to be able to do enough for this man. He is setting you up to fail, emotionally blackmailing and abusing you.

If I were you I'd be wondering what on earth your life is going to be like in 2, 5, 10, 20 years time. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is only happy when he makes you feel constantly inadequate and at fault?

Yesterday he walked out of work during the day ' because he could no longer cope' he spent the rest of the day drinking and crying at the pub, when I got hold of him he was crying and saying irrational things, not making sense, just about how 'broken' he is and how 'much pain he is in'. I think he is having some kind of breakdown and it is steming from his attitudes about sex and all the discussions we have had about it.

I was worried he would do something stupid, I rang his parents to go and get him, he has now told them in detail all about our sex life and then called my parents and told them too. I am so embarassed and feel so bad for dragging them in as they should not have to worry.

he is emotionally a wreck but hes my husband and the father of my children :(

Do some mumsnetters think porn is unhealthy as my dhs mum told me last night his dad has always looked at porn and most men she knows do so it must be normal????

I'm in so much pain and I can't leave and there is no where for him to go :(

sweet Jesus. you poor woman. your H honestly needs professional intervention, he sounds very disturbed.

Yes, many men look at porn, but that doesn't make it A Good Idea. Many men look at porn, but then many men also have appalling attitudes towards sex and women in general.

Also, many men look at porn, but your H has actually developed a dreadful sexual problem that is at least exacerbated by porn.

Also... I REALLY REALLY REALLY do not think that your MIL is the right person to be discussing your H's sexual dysfunction with... you two need counselling from a neutral third party. Your MIL is NOT neutral, and she would likely never be able to accept that her son is extremely unhappy sexual (at best) and that he needs help.

She is already making excuses. Who cares if FIL uses porn?? That's not the issue! The issue is that your H wants you to be enthusiastic about simulated rape, and then spits his dummy out when you aren't cheerful enough about it!

OP
I really think you need to take the children and leave this situation. i'm not saying that lightly. this sounds like a volatile situation. your posts are giving me a v uneasy feeling

He told his parents how he likes you to act out hs rape fantasies ?

really ?

he is in pain ?

he is broken ?

something is certainly broken here....his boundaries and his sense of common decency

I wouldn't be sticking around to find out exactly how far he is going to go and exposing my children to his "breakdown" that is for sure

OMG. He told your mum and dad about your sex life???? (Not to mention his mum and dad.)

I was reading through this thread and was going to say, I think you should have him leave for a while. Just to get your head straight about all this, and to see if life is better without him and his endless sexual demands.

But this breakdown is beyond all that. You should absolutely separate from him, at least for now. Send him to home to MIL and FIL. They can have wildly inappropriate discussions about your sex life.

He is wrecking you. He sounds to me like he's trying to wreck you, but I appreciate that you feel he may be doing so involuntarily. Either way, you end up wrecked.

Step away.

Anyfucker I love to read your posts on relationships.

Has he really told his folks everything about your sexlife problems? I highly doubt he has told them you have been indulging his rape fantasies for the last 4 months but that because you aren't 'into it' (hardly shocking) he has taken the hump and HE is hurt by it. IMO he is glossed over it (probably telling them he isn't getting enough) in a bid to downplay the issues in your marriage and cast himself as the one to feel sorry for.

He is being hugely manipulative and selfish. He needs to go off for some counselling and leave you and your young dcs in a calm happy environment. Can he not stay with his parents?

he told his and your parents about your sex life?! what did your parents have to say about that? jesus that is soo not normal!! i think you need some kind of counselling if you are ever to sort this out and in the meantime you need some space from each other. you need to have time on your own, just some breathing space so you can think about what you want and distance yourself from him a bit tbh because he isnt acting normally and it just doesnt sound a good situation for your and your children xxx

The ripped tights is creepy.

why thankyou, boredandrestless

I would very much prefer not to feel compelled to tell this poor lady my thoughts about her pitiful, disrespectful and downright embarassing husband

So have your parents told you what he said to them? I bet all he has said to both sets of parents is that you've chucked him out because he's been looking at porn. But this isn't about looking at porn, is it! It's about him expecting you to happily indulge his rape fantasies.

he is emotionally a wreck but hes my husband and the father of my children

That doesn't mean you have to put up with this. You are being abused!

This man sounds really quite disturbed. If his mother is so sympathetic I'm sure they'll take him in. If he doesn't leave, then I think you must. He doesn't sound safe to be around.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CJHk_4OWt64CFYcRfAodQjHarA

Yeah OP has he really really told his parents (and yours... which is just... wow. wtaf) everything about his sexual problems?

it sounds like he's rung them and said "DW is pretending to like sex with me! and it's breaking my poor ickle heart!!! and on top of THAT, she doesn't even let me use PORN!! what am i supposed to doooooooo"

rather than

"mum i have this v detailed rape fantasy involving ripping my wife's underwear off her in a way that makes her feel vile. anyway, she's got all stroppy about it, which is stupid because you know, she exists to meet my needs. also, now she's complaining that i've been using porn too much. which is true, because that's where i got the rape thing from, but we both know rape's a normal thing for men to want to do, right? anyway. what a bitch eh?"

this is a very very unfair situation he's forced you into op. this is not good enough for you OR your children.

he has either lost his damn mind and needs to be sectioned
or he is a knobber.
maybe both.
you need to get out of this situation asap.

Jesus wept, this is one of the grimmest threads I've ever read on here, he's now emotionally manipulating both sets of parents against you, you must see that?

I wouldn't want a man like him anywhere near me or my children.

This isn't about porn or fetishes, it's about a very disturbed man indeed, who seems intent on wrecking not only his life, but yours too.

Does your parents know that your husband gets off on rape porn and that he wants to re -enact abuse with you?

If he is behaving like such a manipulative controlling shit, I think you need to let them know the full story.

I would kick this sad fuc ker to blardy kingdom come and call his bluff with his pathetic drama queen behaviour.

Sorry for being harsh, but this guy really annoy me.

He sounds twisted. He's put himself in the position of struggling, can't-cope spouse overcome by the problems you are having and now he's attracting all the attention with his misery.

It's like he's trying to fill the position before you get the chance to talk to your parents or in-laws about anything that's happening, so he gets the sympathy and you're cut off from that avenue of support. I don't know- I have a hard time believing his breakdown is real. It's more like hysteria he's encouraged in himself so he doesn't look like the bad guy.

And it is absolutely disgusting that he called your parents up and told them about your sex life. It is foul. He had no right to do that. They are YOUR parents, not his. In laws is terrible enough. He's rushing to get his story in first like he's a child that's misbehaved and needs to tell the grown-ups his "side" before anyone else can so he doesn't get told off.

These entirely stage-managed 'mental health breakdowns' are as common as muck in men who are having affairs and can't face leading a double-life, but don't want to be found out.

Of course he hasn't told his parents or your parents the truth. The only reason he's offloading to any of them is a) to provide evidence of 'unhinged' behaviour that will put everyone off the scent of finding the real cause of this and b) to reduce your support from relatives by getting in first and telling people how darned unreasonable you are for complaining about his porn use and the type of sex he enjoys.

He's no more having a 'breakdown' than I am.

Your MIL is an absolute idiot. If she allowed porn in the house and tolerated in her husband then that's exactly why yours has gone down the same pan. She might be shocked though at what she believes FIL to have looked at, compared with her son's proclivities.

I would be astonished if this nasty man wasn't having an affair and pretending he's having a breakdown.

Either way he needs to be out of your lives.

Just tell him to leave. He was all ready with the separation talk before this, so he must have had an idea about where he was going (still think it's another woman, but who knows). If telling both sets of parents about your sex lives doesn't make you angry enough to kick him out, what will?

It sounds like he's trying to block your access to anyone who could support and help you, so that the only direction you can turn is his. I think he is isolating you. Don't let him. Hold your head up and look your parents in the eye. They will want to help you with whatever you are facing; you don't have to go into details with them. Don't let him make you feel too ashamed or embarrassed to go to the people who love you.

you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Right he's done/doing something that has made him feel incredibly guilty. This guilt is eating him up and making him feel depressed and has started his 'break down'. And he's a acting irrationally hence the confession. You Pluto have to decided whether you can stick by your DH and work through this mess with both sides of the family knowing your business. I had a tough time with my DH with an affair 'break down' it was complex, I decided there was enough of our marriage to salvage and made the tough decision to stick with it and make it good again, however I told none of my family as I couldn't bear the constant reminders and watchful looks by them. This for me made things easier, I could get on with the task in hand with out unwanted comments. People can judge you on what you decide to do, but only you know the truth,only you know those deep down feelings, just don't kid yourself into believing something you wish was true.
Your family from both sides have seen the bear bones of your relationship. If you decide to forgive him and try to move on, it's not just you who has to do work it through, its both sides of the family too. This isn't going to be easy. I feel for you Pluto.

*bare!

pluto75, have you contacted Women's Aid? If not, please do so - this sounds horrible and you need outside help (other than MN)

pluto75

Seriously, you and your DH have two small children to care about and be responsible for so one of you needs to get a grip - and fast.

It clearly isn't going to be your DH so it has to be you! Take your children and leave. He will sort himself out but for now you have to get away from him.

Maybe he is an emotional cripple but you have to get your priorities right on this one and put your children first. He is sapping your emotional energy and your children need that.

This bloke sounds too weird for words. If his mother thinks he's so normal, let her sort him out!