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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

161 replies

pluto75 · 21/02/2012 23:24

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 14:39

He doesn't 'force' me to have sex I volunteer to have the sexual act willingly I just don't find it enjoyable

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 14:40

Sonicranboom what you have said is spot on, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 14:41

But don't many wives/partners have sex at times when they don't want to??? I wanted to keep my DH happy and sexually satisfied in our marriage, thats all I was trying to do :-(

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 22/02/2012 14:48

Possibly because he is so willing to end the marriage.

The problem with heavy porn use is that instead of improving your sex life, it often has the opposite effect due to over reliance on it as an arousal and masturbation aid.

Malificence · 22/02/2012 14:59

No , most women don't (and shouldn't ) regularly have sex when they don't want it, especially when they get nothing from it.
I don't understand how he can be turned on by doing something you obviously get no enjoyment from - that in itself should be a turn off for him.
He sounds like he has some serious issues surrounding sex, a vasectomy doesn't cause problems in an emotionally healthy man, but it could highlight psychological issues already there.

Sex isn't about one partner's needs and wants, good sex involves both parties getting equal enjoyment.

You are not the one who should feel guilty in this scenario - he doesn't need to use porn, if he does feel he needs it, then he has a problem.

sonicrainboom · 22/02/2012 15:01

it makes me feel a prude and a bit old fashioned because I'm not kinky just like loving, sensual sex
Please don't feel bad because you like loving sex...! That's great. The problem is that your husband has these fetishes (and acts selfish) and that you two are not compatible. I doesn't sound like you can fulfil each other's needs.

But don't many wives/partners have sex at times when they don't want to???

Well yes, unfortunately. But you shouldn't have to - and it doesn't seem to keep him happy, either.

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2012 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 22/02/2012 15:08

Decent men don't want their wives to have sex that they don't want and don't enjoy either. Most men would be horrified by the realisation that their wife had been putting on a sexual performance and getting zero enjoyment.

HereIGo · 22/02/2012 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonicrainboom · 22/02/2012 15:12

Malificence, absolutely.

SecondTimeLucky · 22/02/2012 15:16

Pluto- No, in a healthy relationship people don't have sex which they don't enjoy to keep the other person happy.

I think what does happen quite a lot is 'oh, I'd never have initiated this, I'm knackered, not sure I'm in the mood, ooh, actually I quite like this...' IYSWIM. There is a difference between going along with something at first because you know you'll get into the mood once you, er, get going and actually not enjoying the whole act.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2012 15:44

OP, nobody has to use porn and nobody should feel they have to have sex they do not want

I am adding this thread to my list of female OP's who have said "I don't mind porn, but...."

I have 4 just from this week, and it's only Wednesday < sigh >

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 22/02/2012 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 15:51

You are not the one who should feel guilty in this scenario - he doesn't need to use porn, if he does feel he needs it, then he has a problem.

He has a very high libido, I don't thats why he uses porn so he can get off on it, if he didn't have a physical way to release his sexual needs each day where would that lead?

OP posts:
Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 15:56

OK, so we are sexually not compatible, he likes it in ways which turn me off, so where from here do we go.

This is something we have only discovered in the past 2 years, we have a 12 year relationship, a marriage and 2 dc, what happens to ma marriage when you are sexually poles apart?

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fridakahlo · 22/02/2012 15:56

The less you indulge your sexual needs, the less drive you will have for them, this is especially true in the case of using porn to satisfy them. It is actually addictive and like any addiction, the more you do it, the more you need to do it.
I was also going to ask what his fetish is? Mainly to see how much you are putting yourself out by indulging it.

fridakahlo · 22/02/2012 15:58

Counselling could help the two of you work it through but only if you are both very committed to the process.

Malificence · 22/02/2012 15:58

Does it matter?

Having the odd fetish or two shouldn't preclude a person from being as concerned for their partner's sexual fulfilment as they are for their own.

It's desperately sad that so many women are struggling to be ok with their partner's porn use.
In some cases I think that the term "person with fetish" is interchangeable with "selfish arsehole".

Malificence · 22/02/2012 16:01

"He has a very high libido, I don't thats why he uses porn so he can get off on it, if he didn't have a physical way to release his sexual needs each day where would that lead?"

This is a joke, right? Shock

Men are able to control their sexual urges you know, it won't kill them to have an erection and not do anything with it - god he's really done a number on you if that's what you actually believe.

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 16:01

The 'feitsh' isn't anything sinister, its just dressing up in a certain way that he finds a huge turn on but makes me feel smutty and not in a nice way, sorry bit hard to explain.

So by him using porn regularly, he says he needs to masturbate twice a day, is he making the problem worse for himself by it becoming an addiction.... interesting he does have an addictive personality and has had issues with gambling and drink and is a heavy smoker

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 22/02/2012 16:04

Kink/fetishes can have their place in the bedroom but should never be the sole focus (imo), there should be loads more regular loving sex with the fetish being an occaisional indulgence, if your partner is willing and happy to indulge that from time to time.
OP, when did he tell you he had this fetish?

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 16:07

He told me about his fetish about 4 months ago, I wonder if he feels ashamed about it as it is since then that the problems have started, I see it was a really bad idea to go along with it but I just wanted to make him happy.

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Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 16:08

Thank you all so much for your input I can't tell you how helpful this has been :)

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 22/02/2012 16:08

And yes, he will be creating more of a problem for himself by using porn at all frequently.

Original poster
pluto75 · 22/02/2012 16:10

He has always made comments about how long its been since we last had sex, he keeps count, I feel so guilty I don't want to do it as often as him :(, how do other couples cope who have hugely differing libidos and sexual preferences.

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