DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

[pluto75]

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

whoa this is fuckin DEEP, ive never read anything like this before?!!

he sounds like a complete headfuck and you will be best off without him, but sounds like you dont want to leave him so your gonna have to stick at it love!

I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay or bisexual and trying to deny it to himself - hence the constant sex and treating you as his fetish toy. Do you know if he's ever looked at gay porn?

You said he had problems with drinking and gambling too OP. It's not a good picture you're painting of him.

Pluto here are two posts of yours:

I've just realised after some of your posts esp Malificence and MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren, that having sex the way he wants does make me feel a little like I would if raped, the wearing thong thing got me. My DH wants me to wear thongs and tights, he wants to rip them and have sex with me while I have whats left of the tights and thong, it makes me feel so violated and abused but I've naively gone along with it. What has been said about objectifying me is so true, the acts he wants make me feel I am just a porn star to him, it makes me feel so uncomfortable that I switch off.

and

"He told his parents how he likes you to act out hs rape fantasies ?" I haven't used this term in any of my posts I don't think. Once he has ripped tights off me and pulled my knickers to one side? Is this what you call 'rape fantasy', he has only done it once, now I Have read your posts I see now how it can look like a 'rape fantasy' I would not let him do this again

People got the term "rape fantasy" from the way YOU described the manner in which your husband likes to have sex.

Look at how you are now making excuses for him and downplaying it, compared to the first time you described it.

Typical behaviour of a woman in an abusive relationship - little cries for help from her and then when the man becomes contrite, she makes excuses and the downplaying and normalising of events begins.

As I said before, women can't see it from the inside - they get glimpses of it at times (hence the littel cries for help) but it can sometimes take years to work through the fog. It is often not easy for them to conceive of themselves as an abused woman. That hapapens to other women - not to them.

I'm not downplaying this - it's not easy to break a cylcle of abuse - but Pluto really must be left to work through this herself and only she can decide when the time is right to break the cycle. I hope it's sooner rather than later for the sake of both her and her children.

Men like this don't change.

I feel very, very sad for you Pluto. I hope this thread has at least given you a different perspective on your life. I'd be interested to hear how you feel about what the future holds.

Sorry baloonsayer I see I had used the word rape.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but we write things when our pain is raw and I may have wrote things that were unbalanced against my H as I was angry with him and we hadn't talked much so we did not really understand how we were each feeling about what we were going through.

When I first started my posts I was very angry and upset too so maybe what I wrote was a bit one sided as I wrote whilst feeling indignation at my H for things he has said when he was in a bad place.

My H and I had had long discussions about improving our sex life, we talked about each others fantasies, one of his is tights and ripping them off in the heat of pasion, does this make him an abuser and potential rapist. I voluntarily went along with carrying out with his fantasies, The ripped tights things has happened once after I had agreed to do it as we were exploring each others sexuallity. We have since talked about it and agreed we shouldn't do it again, it was wrong because of the way I feel and because I do not enjoy it.

Yes h was wrong to feel angry that I wasn't 'into it' DH finds it hard to talk about sex not surprising because he feels his fetishes are not right; but having talked about it he has been able to explain he was hurting because he puts so much effort into pleasuring me sexually and this is very true he does but many times when I was dressing up in sexy underwear I was a cold fish, this made him feel like shit. Yes he is not perfect and has emotional issues, he prob does needs help and we are going to see a professional.

Anyway I have listened to everyones advice and it has helped me alot, thank you. My and H are in a better place now and have agreed a more healthy way forward for our relationship esp the sex part. Hopefully I won't be back on here asking for support because things have not improved, fingers crossed

Thanks to all mumsneters who have made me see I shouldn't do things sexually that I am no comfortable with, my H sincerely believes this too, it just hadn't come to a head.

And also for helping me see the damage porn can cause, I'm really interested in reading more about this as I honestly thought porn was acceptable and alot of men and women use this and it is a healthy thing to do..

We're worried about you Pluto.

Your attitude to marriage and women's duties to men, put you in a prime position to be abused. Your husband has been bullying you. The way he's behaved is not right. Sometimes there aren't two sides to a story, there is just one person behaving wrongly and the other person being on the receiving end of it.

I hope at the very least you'll stop having sex with him when you don't want to just because you believe he has "needs" that it's your job as a woman to service. It's treating yourself and your body like an object. Very harmful.

How can you say your DH has trouble talking about sex... then say he's phoned his parents and your parents to discuss your sex life? Yuhwot?

Funnily enough Pluto I nearly posted the other day to ask why you're not angry . . . it's odd you claim that you were. I can't pick that up at all from your earlier posts; I get bewildered, embarrassed, worried and frightened but not angry. You have actually described yourself as worried, embarrassed and frightened.

If my DH had phoned to my parents, MY PARENTS!! moaning about our sex life, I would be RAGING. How DARE he? It is so inappropriate it beggars belief. This was after you had posted on here that you felt embarrassed about the situation. So what does he then do, knowing that you are hurt and embarrassed? Deliberately does something to cause you absolute humiliation.

I rarely post on relationships actually but your H's attitudes and behaviour have made my skin crawl.

This is typical abuse cycle behaviour. Pluto's last posts totally bear this out.

Once things have "come to a head", the victim immediately wants to sweep them under the carpet, play them down and almost try to forget they ever happened.

My feeling is that long term, Pluto's marriage won't last because it's one sided and unhealthy and even victims do eventually wake up one day.

Reading about how this man prioritises his sexual needs and wants before anything else, about how self absorbed and controlling he is and how Pluto makes excuses for him is what has made my skin crawl.

I feel very sorry for her because to me , rather than coming across as angry with him, she seemed scared stiff of him and petrified of upsetting or disappointing him.

I have no doubt that you won't see her posting on this board again. Well, not until the next time (and under a different screen name I'll be bound) at least...