DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

[pluto75]

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

He told his parents how he likes you to act out hs rape fantasies ? I haven't used this term in any of my posts I don't think. Once he has ripped tights off me and pulled my knickers to one side? Is this what you call 'rape fantasy', he has only done it once, now I Have read your posts I see now how it can look like a 'rape fantasy' I would not let him do this again

IMO he is glossed over it (probably telling them he isn't getting enough) lol you guessed it thats the gist of what he told them

You will sleep with him again ?

Good luck with that

Ok, alot of these posts talk about my H 'rape fantasies' he has talked to me about ripping tights off but this has only happened once, I will not allow it again, I think alot of his turmoil and emotional breakdown is because of his own shame with his own sexuality, it is actually quite complex, he has never forced me to do anything or hurt me or anyone. also all the other fetished have just involved me dressing up in hold ups/tights/stockings

So way do you feel slutty and abused by performing these sexual acts?

I have a feeling you are trying to gloss over it, like he is, and his manipulations are working.

OMG I am shocked some posters think I am being abused :(

if it's all so "innocent" why is he "ashamed" ?

acting like a twat at work, having a "breakdown" and discussing his private marital sex life with both sets of in laws ?

does that seem normal to you ?

"complex" is often a cover up for "fucked up"

I dunno why you are now defending his fucked-upness

Emotionally, yes. Dont you think so?

Read your own thread from start to finish, and imagine it was not you writing it. Or, that it was your daughter. What would you say?

I think these issues have just come to ahead now and I'm working through them on here (thanks :) )

I'm realising we have been doing things sexually which I've done because I love H and want him to be fulfilled sexually when I just shouldn't have been doing them. Because I've not enjoyed these times H feel terrible and guilty and it has unleashed all kinds of emotions abut his sexuality, this has manifested in him feeling angry. he has now calmed down alot and is starting to work through things.

Good luck.

Just a shame he had to behave like a total idiot, with you, with work, with his and your parents, and telling you the marriage was dead, in the process.

Great post Duke - thats my gut instinct too - something has been eating away at the DH & triggered the break down & trying to blame Pluto to appease his guilt fits that too & yes ONLY you Pluto can really know whats going on but as Duke so rightly says just don't kid yourself into believing something you wish was true

Some good advice on here, but also IMHO some very warped & OTT man hating, responses - get a grip ladies & don't paste your own bad life experience onto every situation you read - Porns okay for some & not for others, just as alcohol addicts the weak & addictive natured, it doesn't mean EVERYONE having a drink is an alcoholic
Its not wrong or abusive wanting to experiment, nor does wanting to please a man you love, who pleases you back in other ways make you the victim of abuse - its what good relationships are often founded on -

Thats not to say I don't think from reading here that the guys behaving very badly & Pluto needs to take control, unless most of the marriage has been that way, it does not necessarily constitute an abuser

Though I also believe you've likely more shocks to come & yes he's got a problem with Porn it doesn't have to be the end. If you are strong enough to stand by him & rebuild & really forgive, then maybe you can end up in a better place

Pluto I wish you luck & much strength, its an awful situation & I feel for you & your DCs :(

thanks Duke

Yes, hate to say this OP but in trying to gloss over the situation you sound browbeaten, manipulated and conditioned. The way your husband is behaving is just not normal - you must surely know that? Why would you be posting here if you thought it was?

Watching porn is one thing but expecting you to behave like a porn actress and getting angry and upset with you because you're not convincing is utterly abhorrent.

The way he has "got in first" with his version of events with both sets of parents is frankly shameful and indecent.

I agree with Quint - you need to read this thread again.

"stand by him"

"rebuild"

"forgive"

"end up in a better place"

< reaches for the wine bottle >

you may be shocked at posters feeling you've been abused OP... but honestly... your posts describe someone who is extremely immature and extremely self-involved, and who doesn't really care much at all about how his actions impact you. and that's pretty much the description of an abusive person.

your H needs intensive therapy and it sounds like you need to locate some care/support for yourself too. good luck. i hope he stops behaving like a five-year-old and starts dealing with his crap sharpish. without making your life any more difficult.

Some good advice on here, but also IMHO some very warped & OTT man hating, responses

thanks rockinhippy, this has all just come to a head this week, yes hes been angry, yes his attitudes have been a bit warped and yes he has behaved (he had been drinking) like a dick, but this is one week in a long 12 year relationship and almost 7 year marriage, on the whole as I've said earlier he is a good husband, caring, we have great lovemaking and he is a very considerate lover. he works hard to provide for his family and cares deeply for us..... yes hes been a twat this week, his sexuality has issues but is this reason to chuck him out?

Its not wrong or abusive wanting to experiment, nor does wanting to please a man you love, who pleases you back in other ways make you the victim of abuse - its what good relationships are often founded on thats how I see things too rockinhippy thanks for your advice.

Should you really throw out you H and father of dc and destroy any chance they have of loving family with father around all the time because of one weeks bad behaviour?

pluto if you've already made up your mind, don't worry about those who disagree with you.

you described a situation that sounds dreadfully warped to an outside ear... don't get indignant because people think you deserve better

when i hear "H wants me to act out his porno fantasies and then chucks a massively manipulative strop because i'm not happy "enough" about it, then he ducks out of work and gets drunk in the pub and phones both sets of our parents and weeps about how i don't shag him enough and welcome his use of porn and then his mother tells me i should be ok with the porn"...

sorry, to my ear that's code for "knobber"

you can't blame anyone for drawing that conclusion.

You've had some really good advice here op and trust me, a lot of people on here know exactly what they're talking about.

It may be an MN "joke" but sometimes leave the bastard really does need saying.

The problem is that you need to be able to hear it and if you're not ready you're not ready.

I spent 4 years living in denial and only after coming in here (following another wanky incident) did I finally get the strength to do what I needed to do.

They may not sugar-coat it but at times like these bluntness really is the best way. quint and anyfucker , to name only 2, were so supportive to me. Yes it was painful to hear but there are times only an outsider can see through the mask.

If you're not ready to take the next step, or if you really do think he can change then do what you think is best.

I just can't shake off the feeling that you're teetering on the brink of something really horrible happening. I hope to god i'm wrong.

He's sexually abusing you, and for some reason you believe it's your job to service him.

Where did you get the idea that it's a woman's job to sexually service the man she's with?

Also him getting worse because he's been acting out his fetish on you - it's probably because at some level he feels guilty and knows what he's doing to you is wrong.

My advice would be to leave him. He clearly doesn't see you as an equal human being with rights to dignity and respect, but rather as a sex toy that belongs to him because he married you. A relationship with a man like that is never going to work out. You'll always be papering over the cracks of his abusiveness and swallowing your own feelings to keep him happy. It's a bad example to set to children.

Oh FFS how much of a handmaiden do you have to be to call posters here warped at their reactions to this man's er.... warped behaviour?

Pluto, it's obvious you've been skim-reading posts you don't like and have developed amnesia about your own earlier contributions. So go right ahead then love and appease your husband. Soothe his fevered brow and convince yourself that if you only tried harder it will all come right in the end.

Pretend he's not having an affair and don't get an STI check either. Instead, buy some more frilly undies and for God's sake look like you're enjoying it! Remember to look suitably ashamed about your failure to 'put out' when you see both sets of parents though won't you?

Love, a happily married woman whose marriage is free from porn and who loves and respects the nice, kind men in her life, but has no time for wankers X

Imagine the cheek of a man to complain that his wife is "cold" whilst he's fake-raping her. The level of entitlement is off the scale.