DH really hurt about our Sexlife, on brink of seperating please help TMI

[pluto75]

Please help, I really need some impartial advice.

Me and Dh have been together 12 years. My Dh has always had high libido, much higher than mine.

We have 2dc (3 & 5), we both work long hours and have really busy lives. We make love about once a week if poss, when we make love it is great, we both find it amazing and fulfilling. Because of DH high libido I indulge in some of his dressing up fetishes and we have sex at times when I am not into it sexually (because of my lower libido), I do it for him because I love him, but I have to admit I'm putting on an act because I'm not 'getting off' (sorry if TMI)

He has always generally been satisfied and happy with our sex life until about 6 months ago. Recently he says he is deeply hurt and angry that we have had sex when I've 'dressed up' for him but I've been going through the motions and not been into it or 'looked him in the eye'.

He has been so hurt by me being detached from the act, he now says he doesn't think we can have a sex life anymore as he finds it hurts him too much.

We've talked about how having no sex life would mean the end of a marriage, and he said 'well do we both need a solicitor'. My dh is a very emotional man, recently he seems to be taking things so badly, he has been to dr about depression he has a very stressful job and the pressures of life really get to him .

He is so angry with me right now, we keep talking and talking I try to explain my libido is lower, sometimes I'll have sex just for him but will not be into it but he takes it soooo personally that hes angry.

Please tell me mumsnet what do you think, what should I do?

Your problem is this: Your husband is a selfish, immature bully who thinks he is the king of you.

Occasionally my DH will feel like sex and instead of saying no (which I usually do if I don't fancy it) I will say let's see how it goes. If it doesn't work out then we stop and NEVER has a strop, never makes up some old crap about his vasectomy unmanning him and never tries to make me carry on anyway only with more of a smile on my face. That is what he is saying to you - not only have sex that you don't even like when you don't want to, but put on a better act of enjoying it so he doesn't have to experience the guilt that a more decent bloke would feel.

Pluto, have a read up on porn dependance/addiction. He sounds like a classic example, he's treating you like an extension to porn , in fact I'd say that he isn't upset because you are not enjoying sex, he's upset because you aren't up to performing his pornified version sex any longer.

In my opinion (and mine only, as I'm not hanging around to dispute this), his porn use is the cause of the problem. He's objectifying you - that is, seeing you as a life-size sex toy instead of a real person - and getting pissed off when you "fail" to act precisely as the actresses in porn films do. They pretend to enjoy being treated with contempt. In real life, you don't have to.

Nobody needs porn to masturbate, anyone can wank twice a day if they want to using their hand and some imagination! Some people do get hooked on the harder, faster, sensation of masturbation to the extent that they lose the skills for real, shared sex.

It strikes me that your man has both these problems: objectification (porn) and sensory blunting (masturbation).

It is completely unacceptable for him to issue ultimata along the lines of "Pretend to be a porn movie or I'll leave you." The only rational response to that is "Goodbye, then."

He isn't a sensitive man at all, except to his own ego.

The story that this all kicked off because of his vasectomy is utter claptrap. Either he's conducting a parallel sex life that started around the same time, or he discovered a variety of porn at that time, which appeals more to him than a full relationship with you. Which amounts to the same thing, really.

My advice: call his bluff. Tell him you didn't agree to a marriage in which you're required to be a fuck doll.

He doesn't actually need porn to masturbate. He has a hand and a mind.

My DH and I have differing libidos since birth of DD, we just accept this fact and sometimes I will go with it as I will enjoy it once we get going, and sometimes I just know I'm not in the right place energy or mental-wise.

We try to both respect each other, I don't use sex as a bargaining tool and equally he doesn't pester me.

But don't many wives/partners have sex at times when they don't want to???

I think it depends what you mean by "don't want to" - there's a big difference between "not horny right now but I'll give it a go" (where you end up in the moment and enjoying it just as much as the partner who initiated it)

and

"I don't want to do this, I know it is a turn off, and I will not enjoy it, I will definitely be faking the whole time"

The former is quite normal IMO, the latter is definitely not.

When he got angry, Pluto, did he basically mean he would be happy if you stopped faking and actually said no? Had he honestly thought you were enjoying it until recently? Because that would be ok I think. At least, if my DH found out I'd been forcing myself to have sex with him and was faking, of course he'd be hurt, and would tell me not to, he would rather go without than make me uncomfortable.

But then he's not the kind of bloke to insist he needs a wank twice a day, and he doesn't use porn.

x-post, Mal. You said it quicker :)

Four months? And you were having regular loving sex before then with no problems?
Was the porn an ongoing thing before the revalation of the fetish?

It sounds to me like your DH has some serious psychological issues. Fetishes are all well and good if they are a source of genuine pleasure but it seems to me that your DH's fetish is actually a source of shame. Gambling, drinking and destructive sexual practices are usually linked to some sort of pain that the person is trying to alleviate or bury. Seeing as your DH has a problem with all three, it would seem sensible for him to try to seek counselling. It's not acceptable for him to expect you to solve his problems for him and for him to then threaten to leave when you won't subvert your own wishes for him. He needs to recognise that this is his problem, not yours, and blaming you won't make things better.

I can't imagine anything more soul destroying and emotionally damaging than getting dressed up in a fishnet body stocking/ schoolgirl outfit/slutty outfit of his choice and just going through the motions, surely you feel like a prostitute rather than an equal partner?

Pluto, have a read up on porn dependance/addiction. He sounds like a classic example, he's treating you like an extension to porn , in fact I'd say that he isn't upset because you are not enjoying sex, he's upset because you aren't up to performing his pornified version sex any longer.

Great advice I'm going to do that now.

I can't belive how much this is helping me work through this.

I've just realised after some of your posts esp Malificence and MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren, that having sex the way he wants does make me feel a little like I would if raped, the wearing thong thing got me. My DH wants me to wear thongs and tights, he wants to rip them and have sex with me while I have whats left of the tights and thong, it makes me feel so violated and abused but I've naively gone along with it. What has been said about objectifying me is so true, the acts he wants make me feel I am just a porn star to him, it makes me feel so uncomfortable that I switch off.

I know all this sounds like DH is a selfish bastard but the reason he is so angry is because I was 'acting' he thought I'd be into it

Think my DH has always been into porn, I hate porn personally, turns me off, but I never really minded that he liked it, each to their own I thought. he had some porn mags in his glovebox, I was very cross and told him he had to move them as our ds's could have seen them

We went on holiday with my parents and dc, we stayed in a place where we had no privacy, so we did not have sex. When we came hom dh was angry and said it just wasn't 'normal' for a married couple not to have sex for 2 weeks. I even locked us in the bathroom so he could masturbate with me so he could get some

Op you need to read your posts back to yourself.

He is completely controlling you. All I hear is you making excuses for him and justifying his behavior.

He's got you thinking it's normal to do what you have to do. It isn't.

There are some posters on this thread who really helped me see the wood from the trees with regard to my stbXh and his sexual weirdness. Please listen to them.

I know everyone takes the piss but sometimes "leave the bastard" really is the right thing to do.

There are a lot of people on here who truly understand what you're going through and believe me although they may sometimes sound harsh they really don't judge.

Take warren as an example, she is so right in what she says as she speaks from experience.

Whatever this fetish is, if you don't share it you will grow to hate it. You may "not mind" it now but slowly-but-surely it will erode into your relationship. You'll dread him initiating sex because you know what you'll end up doing. The resentment will build, slowly, but it will.

Please stand up for yourself. Please see him for what he really is. It's difficult and it's painful but you will come out the other side so much stronger.

Oh honey :(
That sounds really bad. You should NOT have to have "sex" that makes you feel abused. God. Your husband IS a selfish bastard. Angry at you because you are not acting out his abusive pseudo-rape (the torn clothing) fantasy well enough?! He is not a good man.

Good grief this is getting worse. So you're telling us that he has rape fantasies that he wants you to re-enact?

I'm guessing then that he gets off to rape porn.

I wouldn't rule out an affair because of the fact his behaviour has got so much worse in recent times, because he's trying to blame you for the problems he's created and because he suggested out of the blue that the marriage might be over. It's also really common for porn users to find someone to act out the porn they use.

But if he is having an affair, this is just the tip of the iceberg. He sounds like a thoroughly horrible man who thinks that women exist solely for men's sexual pleasure.

No-one has to use porn and no woman has to indulge someone's fetish if it makes her feel uncomfortable. No-one should have sex that she doesn't want.

I really hope this thread has made you challenge your attitudes OP. It sounds like you've been going along with this under the mistaken belief that not to do so, would cause him to leave you or find someone else.

Honey, men like this would do that anyway if it suited them.

And never sully yourself with role-playing a rape. No wonder you felt yucky.

Was it your idea for him to have the vasectomy? I am just wondering if in a roundabout way he is trying to blame you for his 'problems'.

And he doesnt sound normal. If he wanted more sex, he should be making sure that he is investigating what yOU like, not using you to play out his fantasies. Sounds like the porn is getting out of control, and agree that his looking to blame and eagerness to leave suggests a possible affair.

And LMFAO at men 'needing' an outlet or they explode or something. what a fucking joke

nettle if only! then we wouldn't have to write 'leave the bastard'

Bloke here..... Had a vasectomy too.... I volunteered to have it done.... not made me any less of a man....but it has changed my sex behaviour.... like I need it more...sorry if TMI...... but and a big but.....
I have been able to control this as DW would be upset if I pestered her for sex all the time and I couldn't go elsewhere to satisfy needs. As for dressing up... yep it's fun and all that but not everything...I have a favourite way for DW to dress up but it forms a surprise when she does not as an expected by me all the time.

agree with others. your DH doesn't sound normal. he actually sounds quite disturbed.

heavy and/or long-term pornography use can really, REALLY harm the user's psychosexual health. i don't think people realise how bad it can be. nowadays when there's porn under every rock, the effect is even worse because it's just completely saturating. it turns every woman into an object, and every sex act into something that's "done to" a woman, not something that involves her or happens in order to make her feel good (physically or emotionally or both).

it doesn't sound like he wants more closeness and intimacy and love from you. it sounds like he wants a wankhole who performs according to his expectations, and on his schedule. and that is very very worrying. it is not normal AT ALL. that kind of thinking is where sex crimes come from, frankly. it points to an aberrant situation where the woman is a sub-human "thing" that is used for the sexual gratification of the only "person" in the room -- the man.

Your DH needs therapy or intervention of some kind. that or you might want to start thinking about ending things. the stuff you describe is really not good at all.

and that's not even taking into account the fact that his fetish seems to be based on him being aroused by the idea of non-consensual sex. ie that he's raping his wife. that is monstrous.

ps men don't need to masturbate in order to survive. that's a myth. nor does any healthy person need porn in order to masturbate. only someone who is desensitized and/or addicted would "need" porn in this way.

He is a raging arsehole. THe problem is not that he has a particular sexual fetish, plenty of nice people have fetishes and discuss them with partners, working with the partner to ensure that the sex they have suits both of them. It's not a big deal to indulge a partner's fetish from time to time even if it doesn't mean much to you (as long as it doesn't cause you pain or gross you out) if you have a happy relationship and the partner is equally prepared to do the things that please you sexually, but this man thinks the whole marriage is all about him. I bet he's shit round the house and lazy WRT looking after the DC, as well. It's a bit of a cop out to blame the whole issue on porn: this kind of selfish, entitled sexual behaviour only happens in men who are already selfish and entitled about couplehood, and who believe deep down that women exist for men's benefit, not just sexually but in terms of putting men's wishes ahead of their own and wanting/needing to please men.

Constantly seeing his behaviour normalised via porn is probably a major factor here.

lescombes thats interesting about the vasectomy. Do you think its something to do with a psychological 'freedom' - ie you never need worry about pregnancy again so you can just let loose?? I cant see how physiologically it could have done anything to affect libido, in fact there is a kind of negative feedback thing about sperm production which would actually suggest the opposite.....

however Im not quite sure that it accounts for the totally self absorbed behaviour of the OPs H