'I'm not doing the school run'

[Quattrocento]

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

So what happened?

something is going on.

he is angry with you about something, and tried to amke a point. It is a shame you just took the responsibility he threw at you...

Is he angry about you working so much?
Is he angry about you being a bit of a martyr (working 10 hrs, then sorting house and kids out, he is not of any use?might as well not be there?)
Is he angry about the unexpected friend visiting mid week (some people do not like sudden change)?
Is he angry that he has massive problems at work, and you have not even asked how he is all day?

only you know OP

What SGB said.

Quattro hope trip is going well. Your DH has behaved appallingly and it is definitely about control.

My DH attempted something similar once. I was working on something he really didn't want me to do - we both knew this was the case - and I had to be somewhere at 7am and he had agreed to be a bit late to work, and do school run.

He must have been stewing because late the night before, he engineered an argument that culminated in him saying "by the way, you'll have to make other plans because I'm not doing the school run".

Although I was to the point of wanting to punch him (we both knew he was trying to assert some control because I had disregarded his opinion on the job I was doing) I refused to play his stupid game and just told him that when the school secretary called me (as she would) to ask where the children where, I would explain that you were doing the school run today, give her your direct line number and let you explain why the children were missing school so you could prove your pathetic, misogynistic point.

He did the school run and cooked dinner that night. The thought of his pettiness being made public was enough to shame some sense into him

Do not pander.

I am not always so assertive but it was the thought that he was going to put the children in an awkward situation to make a point, that made my heart turn to ice.

Absolutely.
You did very well to deal with it as you did.
No surrender eh?

so Jaded, how did things go after that?

Go Jaded!

OP, don't enable or sort stuff out for him. If he behaves like a tosser he can deal with the consequences.

What I learned from that episode is that whenever DH has a moment of selfish twattery (which happens from time to time) it is imperative (within our relationship at least) to make him aware that I see his behaviour for what it is and will not pander. If it means that if 3rd parties need to be told that "we aren't coming because DH is having a tantrum about missing the football" they will be told exactly that.

Mostly this keeps everything in check.

Yep, public shaming is a good tactic!

I think this comes under the rule in marriage of 'we all need to be able to tell our spouse that they are being a pillock, and they need to listen'. I'm with jaded, its important to tell it straight, as long as her OH gets to do the same for her when she's having a hissy fit (nobody's perfect).

This is something I'm working on with my DH at the moment, he is very bad at telling me when I've upset or hurt him. I'm thinking we need a special word that will make me sit up and listen because I'll know he really means it... I was considering 'twazzock'.

Bizarre. I understand why you booked the taxi but all you've really done is underlined the fact his contribution to parenting is optional and if he chooses to withdraw his services you will make up the shortfall. I do think it would have been far better to have called his bluff, even if it meant your children having an unauthorised absence from school. He would of course also need to provide the note to school to explain why,

I hope your trip is going well, OP. I am in and your H's behaviour.

Do you think public shaming would work?

"I don't have to explain myself to you" wouldn't fly in my household, because actually, we DO owe each other an explanation for any behaviour that lets the other one down. Because we're a team.
It's sounding more and more like you and your H are on opposing teams. Does it feel like that?

Hmm. I do understand why you booked the taxi, Quattro, because confronting DH would have taken longer and you needed to get up at 5am.

Jaded's approach is better, though

I hope the trip is going well.

How old is your DH? I ask because mine went through an odd phase of behaving like a stroppy selfish teenager when he turned 50. It only lasted a few months and it was so out of character for him, I put it down to the male menopause. Could something like this explain his current twatish ways?

This isn't the first time he's behaved in an outrageous, beligerant and selfish way is it Quattro?
Have things been any better since what happened last year or is this a continuance of pretty awful behaviour?

More than anything else that "I don't have to explain myself to you" business would have pissed me right off. Erm, actually, yes he does. Not because you're his boss or anything but as a common courtesy as his co-parent. Would he do that to a colleague at work? No, because it would be totally unreasonable and unprofessional. And he was leaving you to pick up the pieces of his twattish behaviour.

Good lord. That is a horrible thing to do. It smacks very much of 'know thy place, woman' and is horribly childish.

Are you very successful in your job and is your DH one of those blokes who feels emasculated by a clever wife?

Blimey I have no advice. It is a crap thing to do, and is designed to keep you on tenterhooks. What happens if he decides to be an irresponsible twat when you are actually in another country next time, or something?

What a twat!

Am bumping this as am hoping op will come back and update and see all the good advice offered.

Bump again.

Hello, thank you all for your posts. I'm sorry not to have been back sooner, but I was (and still am) away and not due home until tonight.

You're right of course that I should be talking to DH, and right again that I simply couldn't be bothered with him at that time of night, with lots to do. I'll try to have a proper conversation with him later on to get to the bottom of what provoked this piece of twattery.

The DC did get to school and no harm done there :).

Don't your children wonder why on earth they have to go to school in a taxi when their dad is at home, with a car on a day he normally drives them?

Don't understand why most home things are your responsibility, sounds rather unfair and sexist