'I'm not doing the school run'

[Quattrocento]

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

[AnyFucker]

but what happens next ?

the kids go to school in their taxi

you go off on your trip

he does, well, whatever was important enough to spit his fucking dummy out for (you haven't actually said)

he sulks, you withdraw

you come back from your trip, and you wait with bated breath until he does it again, right ?

except it won't be the same thing, becuse that would have quite the same shock value

it will be something else, something you weren't expecting

what a way to live

[Quattrocento]

Do I think he would have left them at home? Yes, he delegated the school-run problem to me, when he knew I was in no position to deal with it. I am really quite angry with him. I know he isn't in court tomorrow and I know he has no meetings. He could full well just turn up at 10am. Having dropped off the DCs and having had half an hour in Starbucks to boot. I am steaming.

[AnyFucker]

wouldn't have the same shock value

[3littlefrogs]

He sounds a really nasty piece of work. He is trying to undermine you/your career in order to control you and he is using the DC to do it.

That really is the lowest of the low.

[colditz]

he didn't delegate the problem to you, he informed you that he wasn't fulfilling his responsibilities and you... well, you just did it for him.

next time, don't.

You wouldn't have been there, he would have had to do it. What else would he have done? WOuld he really have just left them on their own all day?

[Jux]

Oh, does he have a history of this sort of thing?

[3littlefrogs]

How old are the DC?

Old enough to phone the HT and explain that they are not in school because their father refused to take them?

Or too young to be left at home alone?

Either way he is still a nasty piece of work.

[Quattrocento]

AF, if I knew why he had spat his dummy out, I would be (if not happy) certainly more contented than I am right now.

[Quattrocento]

Sorry, Jux, the DC are 11 and 13. Nearly 12 and 14 in fact. They are perfectly safe at home alone. The issue is that they need to get to school. Which is bloody miles away and they can't do it under their own steam.

[AnyFucker]

from what you have said, he had no reason to suddenly decide he wasn't going to do the school run and spit his dummy out

[TheSinglePringle]

I would have told him to deal with it and to do it his self as you had arranged. He sounds very childish and jealous. He might be jealous that you are going away. Men can sulk but to use the children is the lowest of the low in my opinion

[deemented]

He sounds more than a bit like a fuckmuppet.

Why would he suddenly decide this? Twat.

[Laquitar]

It sounds very odd and if he hasn't done it before i 'm thinking that perhaps something big is going on i.e. health problem or major disaster at work.
Otherwise he is very nasty doing this before you fly. (my ex used to always do this when i had exam/job interview/flight next day, but he was a loser with a bad job and your dh doesn't sound like this)

I would just go in the room and confront him.

[maras2]

What a poor excuse for a father.As your DC's are 11 and 13, and assuming that he is their father,has there not been any other signs of him being a nasty man?What an awful situation to be in.Sorry not to be able to give you any advice but I'm speechless.< Maras does that head shaking thing to register her bewilderment that anyone can be such a bad person >

[MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism]

That's totally shit. I know I can't rely on DH to do stuff like this, so I don't, but you two have an arrangement, why would that suddenly change?

Does he want you to not go away? But then the dc aren't small so they can't be that much work.

Mystified.

[Heleninahandcart]

There is no reason. Even if he is hiding ET in the wardrobe, nothing can justify his doing this, involving your DC, deliberately unsettling you just before you travel and refusing to discuss it. He has given you much to think about, probably not in the way he thought it would. I wonder if he has form for this type of thing?

[inatrance]

Has he ever done anything as twatty before? Sounds like he's trying to spoil your trip. What's he like normally? Does he act like this often?

[whydontwehaveasharpknife]

Wow it sound like you have a communication break down?
Lack of respect for you and very unkind to make you panic like that.

[BIWI]

Morning, Quattro. By now, hopefully, you will be well into your day. I hope you're feeling better than last night .

Having thought about your OP, and read the rest of the thread, the one thing that really struck me is that you were on here fuming about it rather than confronting your (D)H.

(Unless you subsequently did go and talk to him, of course).

From what you have posted it does sound like you are the one who is taking the burden of all family responsibilities. Does your (D)H do anything round the house? Does he help with childcare at all?

You do need to talk to him about this as - from what you've posted here - you are being asked to be the parent in this family and he is behaving like a (spoilt) child.

You need to establish with him not only why he would stop taking responsibility for his children, but also why he has done it this way, which seems designed to purposefully make your life difficult.

If he had said he wasn't going to do it, but that he'd organised a taxi, that would be irritating, but wouldn't have dropped you in it in quite the same way.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

Agree with Biwi. It sounds like he was deliberately trying to get to you, using your children.

Was it something the friend said? Could the friend have made a comment that got up his back regards to this arrangement?

[Fairenuff]

OP you said that this is completely out of character for him.

But you also said he does sulk. So the sulking is not out of character.

This is passive aggressive behaviour, designed to control you. And it worked. He did control you because you are the one who booked the taxi.

If the children are perfectly safe with him then I would have left it to him to sort out and if they missed a day of school, he could explain why.

This will undoubtedly happen again, in some form. I would suggest you say to him either tell me what you're sulking about or I will ignore it. If he tells you, you can discuss it. If he doesn't then just ignore him.

It does seem as if there is very little communication in your relationship, from what you've told us about this one evening, did you spend any time together, just talking?

Although you haven't said so, it also seems that he is not happy about you going away. Are there trust issues?

Perhaps you ought to make time to talk through what happened when you get back. If he won't talk about it does not look good really. Personally, it would drive me nuts.

[SigmundaFraudina]

I don't think she shouldn't have dealt with the DC's travelling arrangements to 'make' him do it. I would have stepped up and sorted it too, my conscience (sp) wouldn't have allowed me not to.

Absolutely bloody frustrating and annoying though. It's the finality of it all 'I'm not doing it, you have to'. Not good.

[solidgoldbrass]

Hope your trip goes well. Another thing you could do when you get back is sit him down and say that he either explains his behaviour or packs his bags, because you are not prepared to live with an unreliable arsehole and nor should the children have to put up with it.

[Hardgoing]

This is such an odd thing to do, completely out of the blue, I'd be in his face immediately afterwards to try and find out what was going on. And 'I don't have to explain myself to you' is so passive-aggressive, it's untrue.

There must be other stuff going on Quattro, I totally understand you don't want to engage with it now, because you are busy yourself, working and running a household.

But it does seem to me like he's hoping to provoke a confrontation/reaction/gain attention by this move and it may be worth asking him straight out which it is and why they heck he's doing this (if he genuinely never has let you down the other 100 Tuesday mornings).

[Hardgoing]

And, sulkiing is a bit of a red herring, in that it's perfectly possible to sulk at your partner, but still take your children to school/go to work. I don't think he's sulking, I think he is attention-seeking and wants you to ask him what's wrong (unfortunately for you, you probably don't want to know).