'I'm not doing the school run'

[Quattrocento]

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

I don't think the problem is about being reasonable and calm, or rational, or waiting for the right time to have a discussion, etc. I think the real problem is that you and your dh do not communicate at all, OP. You expect each other to read the other's mind.

You did not tell him how you felt about being so busy getting ready for your trip. He did not tell you how he felt about you going away.

You did not tell him that you were annoyed with him for failing to sort out the school run. He did not tell you why he abandoned the school run.

You did not tell him how you felt when you got back. He did not tell you why he booked a hotel. You did not say how you felt about him booking the hotel . . .

And this is just a snippet of your life together!

In a relationship you should be able to talk to each other, without shouting or blaming. You talk and you listen. It's extremely important for a happy relationship. You only have to remember one rule - Say what you mean and mean what you say.

No mind-reading, no guesswork, just plain old honest talking.

Wow - you are controlled. As if weighing up a judgement. The majority of the posts saying he is a twit of the highest order and yet you will still talk calmly to him at an appropriate time. Much respect.

God help family or youth if that is his area of work - too much chaos for him to ever empathise I suspect.

Good luck - and chauffeur duties sadly, no matter how close the venue, seem to be par for the course with teens.

Wow, have just read the whole thread.

Do you communicate with your H at all OP?

You have a massive issue with being assertive and acknowledging your own needs. It's obvious from this thread and from what you're telling us about your life with your H.

You might think being calm and rational and not rising to the bait is saving you from confrontation. But in fact it's enabling your H to act like an utter child and get away with it. Because you won't say anything. You'll just remove yourself from the situation (to wit, the spare room) and hope that it all goes away.

Until he does it again.

What's good about your relationship?

Your posts read to me like a woman who's so lost in the wood she can't see it for the trees.

None of what your describing is normal, or healthy, or okay.

What are you going to do about it?

And I'm interested as well to know what your DCs made of being ferried to school in a taxi when it must've been obvious to them that their dad could've taken them if you could've been bothered.

you're

could've taken them if he'd been bothered.

Surely it should be if he could have been bothered.

That's helpful fabwoman.

Anything you'd like to add about the OP's particular problem?

It was helpful. You were making out the OP should have sorted out her H's fuck up. I am sure you made a typo but I felt it needed corrected.

I wouldn't presume to advise when I have no experience.

fabwoman, I think you'd misunderstood madonnawhore's correction of her post. She means if the DH could have been bothered, not that it was the OP's job to sort that out.

Actually I can easily imagine teenagers not being that fuss about who takes them to school - at least I hope they weren't. Would hate them to know/think they were being used in some weird-ass game of passive aggression.

How did they get home again?

I didn't misunderstand. It read like the OP should have sorted it out and then I cross posted as she corrected herself.

It strikes me that the op and her DP are as bad as each other.
He pokes her with a stick.
She won't react.

I feel sure that there must be more to this than is being said.

What a bizarre thread. If I was expecting either my ex or my husband to take the kids somewhere and they refused and wouldn't give a reason there would be a huge row. I certainly wouldn't do the organising for him in this case as the kids are old enough to be told "your dad isn't wanting to take you to school tomorrow so is looking at other options".
When I got back from my meeting we'd be having a discussion about the future of our marriage.
The OP here has just brushed it under tha carpet and pretended it doesn't matter.
Ignoring crap behaviour is rarely helpful.

I'm kind of interested to know if you're still on this thread, Quattro. It possibly hasn't developed as you expected - what are you thinking about your replies?

You did misunderstand fabwoman.

I made a typo. But what I meant to say was: I'd be interested to know what OP's DCs made of being ferried to school in a taxi when it must have been obvious to them that their dad could've taken them if he'd been bothered.

I'm on OP's side here. Although I can't understand the passivity when her H is being such a massive prick.

Yes the passivity and the faux calm is the bit that I didnt really get. Ok so op ays she was too busy thinking of how to sort the problem but why hasnt she confronted him on his bahviour since she returned?-why all the passive agressive nonsense when he talks shit about booking them into hotels?=it just doesnt make any sense.....

That's an interesting question, garlic.

It's all been helpful stuff, I reckon. The point about having created myself a role of peacekeeper is spot on. And as Hassled says, very hard to get out of.

Many posters noted that I do this in order to avoid escalation, which is of course true. He can be childish and does have a temper and shouts first and thinks afterwards. Lots of good points too, but those aspects of his character make incidents like this hard to handle in any other way than by walking away until he's calmed down.

Even Bonsoir's stuff about keeping my man happy was relevant. He is expressing dissatisfaction very childishly but nonetheless the dissatisfaction is there. Whether or not it's valid and reasonable, his dissatisfaction, I've yet to work out. For sure there is a communication issue.

The posts that have been difficult to assimilate are those who don't understand how it is possible not to deal with something there and then. Patience took me years and most of my career to learn, and it's deeply ingrained now.

That's not to say that it won't be dealt with. We started discussing it tonight. He admits he was wrong. There's a way to go before it's all sorted though.

Thanks one and all. You've all been truly helpful.

PS The DC's didn't give a toss about who got them to school, as far as I can tell.

:) Thanks, Quattro. He was wrong, and I'm glad to hear he's admitted it. Really, it doesn't matter whether his 'dissatisfaction' is valid or reasonable - assuming it's rooted in anxiety of some sort or another, the anxiety itself can't be invalid. I gather that teasing out the actual source might be difficult in your household and look forward to hearing how that goes!

All relationships have a variable power balance. This balance is never static; a successful relationship see-saws fairly smoothly. Your husband's petulant grabs for power over the school run and the weekend look like fairly blatant signals that some kind of shift is due, which is what everybody's been getting at I suppose.

My concern was that you seemed - admittedly from sparse postings - to hold the view that he should work to find out how you're feeling, while he frantically chucks globs of feelings your way, hoping something might stick! Well, it worked ... it would be nice to think your coming talks will include some slightly more efficient communication on both sides.

Good luck! Hope you'll update.

Quattro - I guess it's a start that he admits he was wrong. But it would be beneficial to both of you to find out why he did it! If it was just to get a rise out of you, was he frustrated when it failed? If he was expressing his anger at you going away, WTF did he expect you to do about it the night before you were due to go?

I think, in fairness, you both need some serious communication lessons. He needs to express his feelings about your work/life together and you need to be able to openly and honestly respond with how that makes YOU feel, not bottle it up and give the calm and rational (and possibly distancing and trivialising) response.

You were angry - make him know it. You are still upset, despite being calm and rational - let him know that too. Patience is a great virtue but you'll give yourself an ulcer if you bottle everything up for too long.

Good luck with the discussion - remember that you have to give to get back, so be open and honest with him if you want that in return (Not saying you'll get it exactly but at least you'll have kept your end of the "bargain")

I think it's interesting that you characterise what you're doing as 'patience'. I mean, yes, technically you are being patient, but that is sort of the most positive spin you can put on it. What you are also doing is enabling his terrible behaviour and subsuming your own feelings and your children's needs.

As for your DC not caring who took them to school -- I'm sorry to be blunt, but if they are learning anything from you it's not to express one's real feelings even if upset. I'm not saying it was the end of the world for them but it must have been quite odd and perhaps had them thinking something's really wrong.

Do they also have to tiptoe around your DH? Learn to walk away when he's upset? Is there any chance they would actually tell him if they were upset with him about anything?

You are showing them that it's okay for the people you love to treat you disrespectfully and angrily. You just have to be patient with them. When you have your conversation this weekend, I think you should really think about what kind of relationship you are modeling for your DC.

I think there's a difference between patience and passivity. You could have said, either at the time or when you got back: I would like us to speak about this when there is enough time, suffice to say I am not happy with what happened.

But you didn't, presumably because WW3 would have kicked off anyway. You characterise it as walking away until he's calmed down but it would be interesting, now he has calmed down, to get his version of how your dispassionate response came across to him. Maybe it seemed like the right one to him, to take the heat out of the situation. But then again it seemed like a situation with no heat, just one, cold statement of utter disrespect that you accepted at face value and plodded on.

I think if he plays the card that he 'just' got angry about x, y or z you need to turn it round so that instead of it being about how you cope with him being angry next time, it's how he deals with his anger and avoids this next time.

anyone else feel it's time to butt out now?

quattro - good luck with the talk and getting to the bottom of things or back to walking carefully on the surface - whichever you chose.

yes we could say this is modelling the wrong things for children etc etc but tbh i don't know any relationships bar one that isn't full of dodginess and odd dynamics if you were to analyse them closely. relationships are weird!!! there are infinite variations of weird and you pick your version according to your tastes i guess.

don't mind me i'm just 'bitter and alone'

madonnawhore it was all because of a typo! Apologies if I came across as stroppy.

"I think it's interesting that you characterise what you're doing as 'patience'."

I had the same thought as dreamingbohemian. I can be plenty patient when the situation calls for it, years of working with disabled adults and teens with challenging behaviours saw to that. I am patient with my 2 year old, I am patient with my dog, and I am patient with DH when he is behaving like an adult.

However, when your other half acts like an absolute selfish twat, I can't see how that's a time for 'patience'. He's got you trained to be passive, walk away, solve his problems. My MIL is exactly the same, FIL has to be tiptoed around, and MIL never expresses her anger/anxiety/annoyance at all (until he's gone to bed and she can complain to us).

You see it as 'patience', I see it as letting yourself be controlled.

I have been thinking about this a lot in the last couple of days. You say he can be a twat, but if it came out of the blue, are you sure he's not keeping something from you such as a hospital appointment or something?

I only ask because a friend's husband's had treatment for cancer for 6 months without even telling his family he was ill (it was a slightly unusual arrangement in that he was working away in the week). Needless to say his wife was FURIOUS when she found out!

Assuming no illness, I don't agree that OP and her DH are behaving as badly as each other. OP definitely is behaving in a more mature way, but imo is allowing her DH too much leeway to behave like a twat. the difference between the OP and her DH is that while he is using the children as pawns, she is ensuring that they get to where they need be without being affected in his dummy-spitting episode.

fabwoman yeah I see what happened now! Messy cross posting. All good.

OP I'm glad your H has at least admitted he's I the wrong. But this thread has spanned almost a week and he's only now conceding. That's one long exhausting stand off. One that maybe could have been avoided if you'd told him at the time that he was being totally out of order.