'I'm not doing the school run'

[Quattrocento]

Announced DH, ten minutes ago. Tuesdays are his day, and not mine. I take a deep breath, for I am booked on a 7am flight (which means check-in at 6am and getting up at 5am) which he knew all about, well in advance.

I ask him why. He tells me he does not have to explain himself. Which I think means that he has no good reason for not taking them. Before you ask, there is zero public transport, it's 8 miles away and too far to walk/cycle and all available lifts seem to be taking extended half-terms.

He is being a twat of the first order, and I have no idea why. I've booked a taxi for the DCs, so that problem is solved, despite it not being my problem to solve. But I am concerned about DH's general twattishness here.

So tell me why my husband is being a twat. I'd like to know.

[warthog]

so the kids got a taxi to school?

how you have not knee-capped him i do not know.

[EightiesChick]

Folks, I think the point's been made by now that the OP could have chosen not to solve the problem her husband created.

OP, think you need a strategy for the next time. Seems almost inevitable there will be one.

I would also be seriously reconsidering all the stuff you do that makes his life easier (as opposed to for the kids) as now up for review, if he's going to renege on his part in a team effort.

[dollymixtures]

Wow, I know what you're saying about things needing to be done vs. having the fight Quattro but honestly his behaviour is pretty extraordinary. He needs to explain and he needs to apologise.

[Quattrocento]

Trib - your point here is really telling. Sometimes I do feel like there is one adult and three children in this house. Perhaps I do treat him a bit like a child. For sure, if I had pulled the same stunt, WW3 would have occurred. But I do always feel that if WW3 is imminent, it's down to me to defuse it or not react and stay calm and just get on with things. It's the way I react. I agree though, that there is a longer term issue to deal with. There really is. Because the fact is that I don't pull stunts like that. I don't think.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Quattro - I'd have done exactly what you did for the reasons you said.

But I'd also be looking at my relationship and certainly having a big conversation this weekend about his behaviour.

[dreamingbohemian]

No, this is not married life.

Why on earth would you rationalise it that way? You must know this is not normal.

I agree with tribpot that you need to stop thinking purely about the short term, hard as that must be when you are so busy. This episode is so completely twattish that it's a good opening for you to really confront him on what the hell he thinks he's doing.

[tribpot]

So effectively he goads you into shutting down your feelings and taking control of the ship - by having a tantrum. And tonight is he trying to start a fight knowing you must be too knackered to want to get into it? Win-win for him. If you do take the bait I guess he may prolong the argument to the point where you're past caring, and if you don't - well, he offered to discuss it when you got back .. and you declined?

I hope I'm off the mark on that one, but it feels like he wants you to fly off the handle. Do you dislike losing your temper or feeling out of control?

[BustersOfDoom]

I would have to have the fight I'm afraid. If DP did this - academic now as our DS is grown up - I'd be furious. It's the knowing that you're going away with work so have to be on the ball and do your job yet he drops it on you the night before and then when you return the next day actually says 'are you cross dear?' He would have known you would have been annoyed about this all the time you were away, which could potentially have affected your performance. Talk about deliberately trying to undermind and wrong foot you. That is not normal and isn't what decent partners do to people they are supposed care about.

I'd also be suspending any domestic duties related to him. I'd be buggered if I'd be doing anything for someone who pulled such a vindictive stunt as that.

[BustersOfDoom]

• undermine
  
  o'clock innit?

[Fairenuff]

Well I think we know now why he behaved like that, OP. It's because he knows he can be an arse and get away with it. He can treat you how he likes and because you prefer to keep the peace, you just take it.

In answer to your question, no this is not what a marriage should be like. A marriage should be an equal partnership between two adults who show each other love, kindness and respect at the very least.

[BIWI]

You're justifying not having the argument, Quattro. You're also avoiding having the argument he is trying to provoke by asking if you're cross.

I can see that he is being juvenile and delibarately provocative, but you can't avoid this. It is a conversation (confrontation?) that has to happen.

[Hassled]

Once you've dug yourself into the hole of facilitator/peace-keeper it's bloody hard to get yourself out of it. Especially if, like me and I suspect Quattrocentro, you hate conflict. I go to extraordinary lengths to avoid conflict, and thus (certainly with Ex-H) have enabled twattishness. It always seemed easier to just carry on coping than to challenge.

But it's no long term solution, as you know. There will come a tipping point. Much better to resolve/salvage what you can before you get to the no-going-back stage.

[Chubfuddler]

Yes I am cross you twat would be my answer. And yes it actually would be. I can't understand why you are in peace keeping mode. He obviously wants to provoke a row, he has stuff he wants to say. Have the row. Could it be any worse?

[Blatherskite]

Another who would have to have the fight. I could not live with behaviour like that

[solidgoldbrass]

Ok, I think it's time to ask yourself why you are keeping this man in the family home instead of telling him to leave. What does he actually bring to family life? Is whatever it is (great sex, additional income, physical beauty, good line in knock-knock jokes) enough to make it worth putting up with the possibility that at any time he's going to have a willy-waving tantrum that you will need to accommodate and work round?

Because, you know, it's OK to say 'Actually I am sick of indulging you and being let down by you. You've got a month to improve or you're out.' The fundamental selfishness and contempt of him saying 'I'm going to inconvenience you, nyaah, just because I feel like it' is something you do not have to live with.

[Quattrocento]

"You must know this is not normal."

Well there's normality and (my) reality. Sometimes I think we are literally worlds apart. He has just suggested we all go for a stay at a hotel. It is, I think, his way of atoning. This hotel is literally half an hour away.

So tell me, why would I want to go and stay in a hotel that is half an hour away from my house???



The DCs would be monumentally unimpressed at being dragged away from their home, and so would I. A nice exciting trip to somewhere we haven't been before would maybe grab the collective family imagination.

He is on another planet right now.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

I quite understand the need for an early night before the 5am wakeup (although - did you sleep? I wouldn't have slept a wink under those circumstances) but I think its as wise to pick your battles with your partner as you do with a toddler; you let 90% of the minor irritations go, but the other 10% you really fight your corner.

I think you should have had the fight on this occasion, because his behaviour was completely dreadful not just a little bit twattish. If it had to wait til you got back, then so be it, but you should still have gone stratospheric with rage at him. It might shake him up a bit.

[tribpot]

Translation: "I offered to take them all away to a hotel for the night to make up for it and she turned me down. There's no pleasing some people, next time I won't bother".

[BustersOfDoom]

And this just isn't about conflict, this is deliberate and nasty. Presumably you needed a good night's sleep before your early start? I guess he hoped to scupper that? And no doubt as good a job as you did you had an underlying anxiety/anger about his actions? Nice work! And he knew it!

Does this bloke have any good points? I'm with SGB. It's not up to you to continually defuse WW3, you can choose not to have to deal with WW3 erupting.

[Quattrocento]

If it's okay with you chaps, I think I might show him this thread.

Because really, the whole family balance seems to rely upon me being calm. Which is not a good situation. We should all be calm and happy. There is no reason for us to be anything else. He really can be very childish.

[ravenAK]

Haven't the DC asked 'Dad, why do we have to get a cab to school?' at any point?

The cab (if he'd bloody well sorted it) sounds like a perfectly good solution to the parent i/c the school run not wanting to be bothered that day, but if it's unusual, didn't he have to justify himself to them?

It does sound like twattish & controlling behaviour for the sake of it!

[shinyblackgrape]

PLEASE DO! Sorry for shouting

[renaldo]

Say 'why would I want to go away with someone whom lets me down and doesn't respect me? In a really surprised tone of voice

[Chubfuddler]

Go for it. I don't think there's a single word on here he doesn't deserve.