DH resents me going on maternity leave

[sydneyslug]

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

Bloody, I do think you were trying to help and gave your own example of how situations can escalate horribly

What a nasty bastard.

Posters here are rightly concerned that this might escalate into physical abuse. But really, the emotional abuse you're already suffering sounds horrendous, and is already very damaging. The fact that you've out up with the treatment you've described is quite possibly a symptom of his systematic grinding down of your self-esteem.

You may not feel strong enough to act after the baby's born, so start talking to a solicitor now.

Life can only get better without this prick trying to crush you.

Get out. Get out now. Stay out.

She is sounding casual because this is all she knows - from a nasty father to a nasty partner, both of whom have ground her down.

Please tell your mum what is happening and make plans to move in ASAP. Agree do NOT wait until baby arrives, for so many reasons.

Though I am a bit worried, since you mention your father, would he be there too?

OP I too hate the MN leave the bastard slant, but your post really, really requires that response IMO. Every comment you make, makes it sound worse & less like there's a future with him.

My advice would be to leave sooner rather than later. This really does sound like mental abuse. I would never take the risk that he would turn this into physical violence against you and/or the baby. It will be very much more difficult to leave with a tiny baby & a mess of post-partum hormones.

I also wouldn't go out of my way to save face on his behalf with his family, I've not read the whole thread, but might they offer any support?

Nothing puts the strain on a marriage more than a baby. Even the most loving couple get snappy wth exhaustion and resentful of the other saying they are tired etc etc. it is a tiring and emotional time. You need to be in a supportive partnership, not one where you live in fear.

Please do stay with your mother. Please.

How are you doing Sidney?

Sidney, please please listen to the people here. Read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

He is schooling you, so that once the baby is born he will already have you questioning yourself so much that you won't know up from down, right from wrong, and he will make you abject. You will spend so much of your time trying to gain his approval that you won't be able to concentrate on your baby, so the baby will always come second to him, which is what he wants. He is determined to be the centre of your world and he's already jealous of his own child and the attention you will have to pay it. The baby's not even born yet!

You say your dad was abusive. Don't set your own child up for the same. Break the pattern.

Please go to your mum's and don't come back.

Bloody, I didn't see the message that was deleted so can't comment on that, however I did see your original comment, and whilst I do think you were trying to give advice to the OP you can't make sweeping generalisations like - 'The reality of a child just simply brings out the worst true colours in men. They're just not cut out for it.'

And I'm sorry at no point in that post did you refer to people or 'that some women have been known to change/react badly to life changing events.'

It doesn't matter whether everybody took it as a sweeping generalaisation or not, some did and found it offensive. Yes, you are right, it can and does happen, but please don't tar all men with the same brush, or excuse them for bad behavious (he can't help himself, he's a man etc etc)

There was a thread on here a while ago were someone (rather cackhandidly it must be said!) was saying that she hated the automatic man hating that went on in some parts of Mumsnet - I believe she meant comments like yours.

OP, I hope you are OK and coping with all the suggestions. Only you know your DP properly, but the signs aren't good and you need to get this sorted out before the baby gets here and you become even more trapped in a potenially dangerous situation.

Ifeelloved Once again I bmisswrote it I bloody apologise FFS

I am in no way anti-men and I have never once wrote a message stating that I am. I'm sorry that I diodn't put people.

Now get fucking over it!!!!

And I have just read my post.

It does say people can change over night now fuck off picking on what I said!!!

Excuse me!!! You made a huge generalisation, whether you meant it or not, and I pulled you up on it as I found it offensive. I can read thank you very much, it appears you can't though. I didn't say you were anti men, I said comments like yours can be taken as being anti men.

And tell me where you said 'people can change overnight' in this:

BloodyDogEscapedAgain Mon 20-Feb-12 11:47:33

sydney

Your story is like reading mine.

My ex hated that I was on maternity leave. I finished 5 weeks before due date, this was 10y ago btw.

He couldn't believe that I finished that early as his friends wife worked up until 2 weeks before.

His friends wife had a desk job and I was an assistant manager of a pub on my feet from 12 in the afternoon till 12 that night etc. (twunt)

My ex is a workaholic, nothing and I mean nothing comes between him and work. Not even DS.

He was even more disguted that I went back to work part time shock horror.

The reality of a child just simply brings out the worst true colours in men. They're just not cut out for it.

Unfortunately for you it looks like either a lifetime of misery or you can be a single mum for a while. Not great choices but honestly the latter is definately better smile

That is the post I was commenting on.

Sorry if you feel this was picking on you but get a grip.

Nasty, shitty, selfish, humourless, horrible person.

Money-obsessed, and more than anything you just represent a way to get more of it.

If you want my opinion I'd say at least part of this is him being quite happy (as much as a discontented, grabby little shit can be happy) with you while you were at least a. Earning money for his pot and b. were ok as shag material.

Now in his avaricious little me-me-me world you are neither.

You clearly don't love him, that's good. Really, you should absolutely leave now, because it will be so much harder when the baby is here. And he will ruin that special time for you too - and I guarantee you won't forgive that.

So you're making a comment about something that I said at 11:47 Even though there's been hundreds of comments since.

Ok I should have said some men. Get over it!!! Leave me alone!!!

Yes I am and yes you should. And why wouldn't I comment on something you said at that time, is there a rule I've missed out on that says you can only comment on things up to a certain time period. Hopefully you'll think about things before writing them in future. Also no one else said anything as stupid as that.

No I won't get over it. If you change the word to black/asian/women/gypsy/gay - all hell would have been let loose.

If you hadn't been so rude and telling me where to go, I probably wouldn't have bothered saying anything, but telling someone to fuck off - nice

Bloody all you needed to do was say "sorry, I meant to say some men "

I stuck up for you upthread, but you are making this thread all about you now, and it's a bit off

although the OP hasn't been back for aaaaages

Can we move along from the little thread spat please? Not helpful.

Op please please don't hang around for things to escalate. I know you gave been conditioned by your parents' marriage and your husband's behaviour. But even so you must know this isn't ok and you aren't over reacting. Remember your wedding vows - did he tell the vicar he promised to belittle, abuse and undermine you? Or was it the more conventional love honour and cherish? Do you feel cherished op?

3.39 in the morning on day five with your first child is about as tough as life gets. I actually fear for you and the baby if this man is under the same roof.

I'll bet your mum would love to have you and the baby stay with her

You're right Chub, apologies to the Syndey, but I think if you see something being said that you feel offensive, you should say something, not ignore.

Sydney, how are things today?

Shut up.

Seriously.

Bloody - give it up. You are seriously not helping Sydney at all. You fucked up admit it and move on. It wasn't just your comment where if you'd have added the word 'some' it would have been ok. You also categoricallly stated that men weren;t cut out for it. You did make a sweeping statment and I didn;t accuse you of being anti men (I can copy my actual comment if you feel it would help you). And I;m sorry I believe in tackling someone when they say something offensive, if you prefer I can start a new thread about it. You were talking shit and you still are. I really wish you would leave it alone.

Can we leave this please and return our attention to Sydney who is in a rather dreadful situation, and needs some support while she works out what to do?

Sydney, ignore the argument, but read the rest. There's much food for thought there and good advice. We are truly worried about you and your baby.

I hope you feel you can come back to this thread Sidney. Lots of people will give you support if you want it.