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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH resents me going on maternity leave

240 replies

sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 10:58

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

OP posts:
coffeecake · 24/02/2012 14:30

I think some abusive people on here scared her off. She came for some help and look what she got! How helpful, it must have upset her even more. Think before you type ladies.

ifeelloved · 24/02/2012 17:14

I don't think that's fair, no one attacked Sydney. Bloody and I had a spat but we both supported Sydney

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 24/02/2012 17:17

Maybe she's just gone to her Mum's. I think there was quite a lot of support for her amongst the flying buns !

ifeelloved · 24/02/2012 17:28

Hope do juggling

ifeelloved · 24/02/2012 17:28

So. Bloody fat fingers!!!

AnyFucker · 24/02/2012 17:32

coffee what "abusive people" ? Confused

bouncysmiley · 24/02/2012 19:26

Suggest shared maternity - bet he says no!

MadameOvary · 24/02/2012 19:41

Am playing "twat bingo" with this. All I need is the "are you sure it's mine?" crap for a full house.

OP you have been programmed to normalise this so that even when you realise it's wrong and unacceptable, you don't feel moved enough to leave. Please educate yourself about emotional abuse and also "cognitive dissonance" which is one of the reasons why those in abusive relationships convince themselves to stay when all the evidence is screaming at them to leave.

I'm glad you have some money of your own. Good luck with giving this waste of space the boot.

Lindt70Percent · 24/02/2012 22:13

Thanks CagneyNLacey and Portofino. It's been really depressing thinking about all of this again but the OP struck such a chord I had to write about it.

I feel sad for my sister but very upset for her children who have suffered terribly; I don't think they have a clue what a healthy relationship is and I can see it all about to come back around.

My sister's ex descended into alcoholism and was looking very ill a few months ago. I can't see him living for much longer.

I hope the OP's ok. I still haven't read the whole thread (can't quite bring myself to) but hope she's had some good advice. I'd definitely rather be on my own than with someone who begrudged me having maternity leave.

mamayaya · 25/02/2012 23:21

My XH was like this! Nightmare. I stayed. Labour: he complained about how tired he was and refused to change a CD etc. Mat leave: miserable, him complaining about the house not being tidy enough and me not losing my baby weight. Miserable. (It was actually quite tidy, he just hated toys being around..... I was a bit fat though, I'll admit!). He made comments about "seeing your little friends" when I met up with NCT people. It was diabolical. I went back to work after 9 months and was made redundant. He'd alienated me from most of my family and friends (all female friends lesbians, all male friends wanting an affair). Self-confidence died. Dreadful time. He used to throw fits about things and throw himself down the stairs, out of the car, etc. It was the worst time of my life. In the end I left when my DD was 2.5 years old. After a separation when she was 1.5 years old and 6 months of counselling. Some people are just not right, basically!

Now I have ongoing battles with him as he tries to exert control over contact etc (including him moving an hour away and demanding that mid-week contact continues at his new house after picking DD up from nursery at 6pm etc). Delightful.

However, I also have a lovely and wonderful boyfriend who is messy, dappy, forgetful, generous, sweet, and loves me and my DD and is NICE.

I think if I'd have left before having my dd it would have been better but I think that OP will probably stay because let's face it, when you're pregnant you try to do the best for your child and you imagine that it's best to stay with the child's dad. It's not, in a situation like this, and I wish I'd left a lot earlier, but I felt like I gave it a go. It ruined my life for a couple of years though so if you can bring yourself to go then go!

Thumbwitch · 25/02/2012 23:27

:( story, mamayaya. So glad you're out and have a lovely new man now. What is it with these particular men? Definitely something "not right" with them. :(

mamayaya · 25/02/2012 23:35

I honestly don't know ! But I'm telling you - it gets worse suddenly when they have you at home and they're at work. It suddenly gets a lot worse.

I honestly, now I'm with someone who is nice and normal, simply can't understand it. No way would my very DP ever treat me like that. It's a control thing. My mum cried out of happiness when I told her I was leaving XH. She had nightmares about him and none of my family or friends liked visiting. She thinks I turned into a Stepford Wife after giving birth. It was mainly because I got to the point where I just could not be bothered to have the argument any more so just took everything on board and ignored it. My warning to OP is that if he is like this now there is absolutely no way that it will get better. Sorry!

One delightful memory is him going crazy in a supermarket because my best friend was staying and she and I wanted to cook something different to what he wanted. He ended up eating our 'crap' food anyway. After having a rant at us for drinking his best wine that he was saving for best (it was a £6 bottle).

This guy is a partner in a well known law firm by the way!

galletti · 25/02/2012 23:40

Sydney - hope you are still reading. Your situation is so wrong. A Month before baby is due should be so happy - you and dh getting sorted with stuff you think you need but don't!/ cuddling your pfb's new fresh blankets/ towels etc, working out how you get the damned car seat in, cuddling up together, dh making sure you are comfortable and well. If he can't do this and is in fact adding so much extra pressure,then what hope is there for when baby is born? He MAY change once he sees HIS and your baby, but from what other people are saying, it does seem unlikely. Best to go now to your mum's where you will be safe and comfortable before the birth and be able to relax with your little one afterwards - the first days after having a baby are tough (and wonderful) and you really don't need someone in your life who is going to add to that, and take away those precious times from you and your baby.

coffeecake · 27/02/2012 10:30

No Ifeelloved I was talking about being abusive to each other as opposed to abusive to Sidney. Or rather Bloody being abusive to you, what's the point in telling people to "F.... off" on a thread where the person is unbelievably upset already?
It's selfish that's all. Anyway I hope Sidney made the right decision for herself and her baby.

ifeelloved · 28/02/2012 21:30

Ok thanks coffee

Sydney. How you doing?

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