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Original poster

DH resents me going on maternity leave

240 replies

sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 10:58

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

OP posts:
Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:29

We tried to conceive for two years, so he knew it was coming for a long time! He has the mentality of a child - he thinks the baby will curtail his freedom and I will stop being attractive (oh yeah, he doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm 'fat' ie still exactly the same body but with a bump) and become obsessed with the child etc.

Basically he wants me to dress up nicely, always be sexually available (although obviously not now as pregnancy is so physically repulsive to him) and also work full-time because money is his god. I am planning on going back to work once the baby is one - possibly earlier if he hassles me this much.

I told him I'm happy to divorce and take the blame from his family to spare him the embarrassment of leaving his heavily pregnant wife. He wasn't happy about that. Seems I am fat and boring but he doesn't actually want to leave.

Argh writing it down is appalling!

OP posts:
MonaLotte · 20/02/2012 11:32

He sounds like a selfish arse OP sorry :(

CagneyNLacey · 20/02/2012 11:32

Wow, what a complete arsehole.

Elderberries · 20/02/2012 11:33

I know it's a bit of a cliche on here but I really do think you should leave him. Why are you with him? You sue for divorce.

TheVeryTiredKnid · 20/02/2012 11:35

For once I am saying this not tongue in cheek: Leave the bastard. And make sure his family know exactly why you are leaving him.

GeekCool · 20/02/2012 11:37

Argh writing it down is appalling!

Because it is appalling! Can you really continue on in a relationship like this? You'll be exhausted with a new born and his antics to contend with.

Laquitar · 20/02/2012 11:37

I don't understand, do you work now or no?

If he talks like this the future doesn't look good and you better focus on yourself and your baby and make sure you keep the focus there even if he has some 'good days'.

Get a pad and pen and write down options and plans. Short-term ones and long term ones. i.e. moving with family, going back to work, applying for benefits, re-training, renting/buying/house-sharing, legal information/rights. Research everything. Get ready for everything. With you and the baby in mind.

SarahStratton · 20/02/2012 11:38

Christ, wtf did you breed with him? He needs eradicating. You really don't need an arse like him. And don't take the blame, tape the twat in full flow and use it as your answerphone message.

DrSpecialBedroomyThings · 20/02/2012 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sidge · 20/02/2012 11:39

Mmmm, he sounds just dreamy.

What a catch.

Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:39

I currently work full-time but was planning on WFH part-time when I go back to work. He regularly berates me for my lack of ambition (ie I earn 40k which isn't enough and my focus should be my job not having a baby, which is so boring for him).

I have already started making contingency plans for splitting up because he turns even the most joyful experience (ie getting pregnant when I thought I might never) into a depressing grind.

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/02/2012 11:40

OP your marriage is fucked.
He is a selfish, shallow, aggressive nasty piece of work that does not deserve to have you or the lovely baby that is forthcoming.

I cannot see anything in this situation worth saving. He's just fucking horrible.

GrahamTribe · 20/02/2012 11:40

Having a baby will curtail his freedom, unless you allow him to carry on as before and you do all the work. It will curtail yours too. That's life and he needs to accept that and to take on his part of that responsibility willingly and gracefully or to get the fuck out and let you get on with it without having to put up with any more shit from him.

Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:40

I feel disappointed and hurt that we TTC for so long and now he behaves as though he has been tricked into some terrible lifestyle that he never wanted. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:41

Yep basically he wants to continue his life exactly as it is and it's a massive imposition for me to expect him to spend any time with his child because I was the one who wanted it!

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 20/02/2012 11:42

Time to start going through the paperwork.

GrahamTribe · 20/02/2012 11:43

"tape the twat in full flow and use it as your answerphone message."

PMSL. Grin

Priceless advice, just perfect. I wish I'd have thought of it.

Sidge · 20/02/2012 11:43

Walk away sydney, walk away.

Being on your own with one baby will be preferable to living with a baby and him.

PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 11:43

Get out, get out NOW.

Chandon · 20/02/2012 11:45

these sort of men only get worse once the baby is born ( and jealous of the attention).

Please OP, I will not say "leave him" but please can you do this for me (for you and baby):

Make sure you have a secret running away fund so you are NEVER trapped or beholden to this man. It will be key in keeping your sanity, if you can only squirrel away a pound or two a day, it is still better than nothing. Please promise me that?

pictish · 20/02/2012 11:45

Well if he's the domineering, controlling sort of person I suspect he is, then your pregnancy will provide him with the perfect excuse to hold you over a barrel, and keep finding reasons to punish you.

OP - wait till that wee baby arrives in your arms.....you will be saturated with love and devotion, and your dh isn't going to like that at all.
For a few months at least, you will not give a shit about putting on mascara and sucking his cock for him....and I get the feeling he will tear you to shreds.

Good luck with getting him the hell out of your life.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 11:46

I never say this, but why did you ttc with such a fucking neanderthal ?

Having said that, you are where you are

Now get fucking shut of him, being on maternity leave can be the perfect time to make all those time consuming telephone calls to end your marriage

grobagsforever · 20/02/2012 11:46

Well calling him a twat probably isn't going to help you OP. Sounds like you could both do with some help. He needs to explore his feeling towards this baby - why is he so resentful? If you tried for two years? Would some relate or similar help?

Poor you, what a shit situation. It is of course very possible he will fall in love with baby when it is born and have a complete change of attitude but his disrespect towards you in the meantime is horrible. Has he always been this unpleasant?

BloodyDogEscapedAgain · 20/02/2012 11:47

sydney

Your story is like reading mine.

My ex hated that I was on maternity leave. I finished 5 weeks before due date, this was 10y ago btw.

He couldn't believe that I finished that early as his friends wife worked up until 2 weeks before.

His friends wife had a desk job and I was an assistant manager of a pub on my feet from 12 in the afternoon till 12 that night etc. (twunt)

My ex is a workaholic, nothing and I mean nothing comes between him and work. Not even DS.

He was even more disguted that I went back to work part time shock horror.

The reality of a child just simply brings out the worst true colours in men. They're just not cut out for it.

Unfortunately for you it looks like either a lifetime of misery or you can be a single mum for a while. Not great choices but honestly the latter is definately better Smile

GrahamTribe · 20/02/2012 11:47

I'm no psychiatrist but from much of what I've read over the years this sort of jealousy/resentment/wanting to carry on as before controlling behaviour by a man can turn into physical aggression. I'm not saying that it will, I guess I'm just voicing a concern and suggesting that you take care. I guess also that I'm laying it out for other, more experienced posters to give their opinions on.

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