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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH resents me going on maternity leave

240 replies

sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 10:58

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

OP posts:
maxybrown · 20/02/2012 12:37

If my Husband called me a whore, that would be it.

He sounds deranged - what if you have a (fingers crossed you don't) difficult labour and need him to be even more supportive than you would expect any half decent Husband to be?

You are not deranged at all

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 12:37

I wouldnt wait until the baby arrives, I would get out now... preferably today. He is not going to change, but he will get worse. It is easier to leave now than it will be in a months time.

bleedingheart · 20/02/2012 12:38

How can he feel so indignant and so hard done-by if actually his behaviour is totally out of order?

It's hard to understand but every poster thinks he's out of order so he obviously has some issues that he needs to deal with. You need to look after yourself and your baby. It won't get better. Being lonely in a relationship will be worse than being on your own.

bleedingheart · 20/02/2012 12:40

And if it wasn't the baby he was finding fault with it would be something else; your earnings, ageing, NOT having a baby etc...

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 12:41

what if the baby is ill ?

is not "perfect" in some way ?

how would your husband react to that ? Do you envision him pulling together with you to support each other ?

I hope it is dawning on you that you have picked a very poor man to be the father of your child

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 12:41

Look at the future here OP..

Can you see him looking after the baby while you go out with your friends? Somehow I dont.

Can you see your mum looking after her grandchild while you go out with your friends?

I imagine you can...

Which future sounds the best bet?

OhdearNigel · 20/02/2012 12:42

I just wanted to pick on something that has been ignored in favour of the rest of the horrible behaviour.

You earn £40k and you're still not ambitious enough ?? Shock He does realise what most people earn, doesn't he ? What does he do for a living ?

You've got to get out, OP. The first few weeks as a new mum are incredibly hard work and I don't know how I would have got through them without DH's unswerving love and support. Having a baby is the equivalent to bunging a stick of dynamite into the relationship - and if he is this much of an utter jerk before the baby is born, I shudder to think what he will be like at 3.30am 3 weeks in. Don't wait round to find out the answer, I beg you. Please don't become another "DV started around birth of first child" statistic. PLEASE

maddening · 20/02/2012 12:43

I would get out and get a little place for you and the baby set up now - you really won't feel like it after the baby is born and with your h being this way and hormonal changes post birth you will poss feel even more vulnerable with the baby - you have a month to get a little home set up - if you have to get the wheels in motion without letting h know

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 12:43

everybody here is side-stepping your talk of him using porn, which you have mentioned twice now

please understand this is actually the least of your problems with a man like this

duckdodgers · 20/02/2012 12:43

Basically he wants me to dress up nicely, always be sexually available (although obviously not now as pregnancy is so physically repulsive to him)

I would be very surprised if hes not having sex with another woman judging by this horrible attitude.

You are NOT making a big fuss over nothing.

OhdearNigel · 20/02/2012 12:43

And DH feels indignant and hard done by when I ask him for the eightieth time to pick up his rubbish and put it in the bin. Doesn't mean he's in the right

PeppyNephrine · 20/02/2012 12:43

He must have been a least a bit of a cunt long before now though. Why have you stayed so long?

Laquitar · 20/02/2012 12:45

I would also prefer to go to my mum's before the birth.

Does it make difference-legally, rights, financials- if you seperate before or after the birth?

dinkystinkyexpectations · 20/02/2012 12:46

Only read the OP - OP, sorry he's being a knob. Hopefully he's just stressed about finances and impending life changing event. Remind him this child is half his, it took two of you to make him/her but sadly only one of you to go through 9 months of pregnancy and the birth - if he'd much rather push a grapefruit out his japseye and go straight back to work the next day, he's welcome to it. Otherwise you will be on maternity leave with your dc and will expect love and support, not resentment, from him for the job you are doing.

tribpot · 20/02/2012 12:56

Why would he care that you want to be a single parent? Is it because he will be forced to support your child? That's true whether you stay together or not. I think he's working on a version of history in which you forced him to try for a child, and then when you got one you decided to 'take him for all he is worth'

crazygracieuk · 20/02/2012 12:57

Off topic but is the hole at the end of a penis really called a Jap's eye?(I assume it's a racist term rather than a medical term with a latin meaning?)

whoputmeincharge · 20/02/2012 12:57

Jeez. OP. Be careful. Look after yourself. I didn't leave before my DC was born and all my self-esteem got eroded in the Fug of sleepless nights, continual negativity and the challenges of a new born. I wish I had.

To answer your question, from my experience. Some people are broken inside and nothing you can say or do will change it. And however you try to put it right, it will still be wrong. Whatever he says to you, it'll still be you at fault. Whatever nice things happen in life he'll still moan and complain and be the victim. Perhaps it's genetic or upbringing. Who knows? In my case it just got worse and worse.

I woke up when my DS was 18 months old and wondered why the people at work thought I was good at what I did, how i managed to hold down a good job, whilst at home everything I did was wrong. I didn't like the person I'd become and what my son had to experience. I didn't want him to think it was ok to talk to me like that. I realised I couldn't change xh or make it right but I could step away. So I did. And it was the best thing I ever did.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 12:59

I would suggest moving this into relationships, as I can see by the post at 12.57 some people would rather pick holes in what they can find to be "offended" instead of just letting it go or offering any constructive advice to the OP. Hmm

jellybeans · 20/02/2012 13:00

He sounds an arse, sorry. This is the problem with gender blurring/neutrality and people like Clegg going on about forced shared leave (with father only time too). People then see it as selfish for one person to take, never mind the fact that the mother gives birth! Also the push on paidwork being the only important thing in life, everything else is a waste of time since it ain't making a profit-including the disabled, elderly, people with learning difficulty etc.

Ignore him and try to enjoy your ML.

LittleJennyRobyn · 20/02/2012 13:01

Please think about what it is you really want, do you honestly think he is going to change?

I am sensing slightly that you think there is a chance he will.
But from what you have said, i totally agree with others he is not going to change once the baby is born.

If you decide to leave, you need to make long term plans now and have everything in place before you have the baby. it will be ten times harder with a newborn to make arrangements physically and emotionally.

you will have to be strong and stay strong. you have every right to enjoy the experience of your first child.....dont let him ruin it for you.

legoballoon · 20/02/2012 13:02

If you have not told your mum (for reasons of loyalty, denial etc.) by now what a charmer her son-in-law is, then now is the time. Get this out in the open, get her support, grab your savings accounts, freeze any joint assets, and get the flock out of there!

He sounds horrible, and it's not going to get better. Another poster has said that once you combine this with the inevitable sleep deprivation, hormonal swings and lack of confidence that comes with early motherhood (but all pass!) you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. And possibly your baby.

So sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, having had a partner like this in the past, I find it all very believable. Hang onto your sanity, and get out!

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 13:03

crazy for you

CailinDana · 20/02/2012 13:08

OP from your last few posts I suspect that he has been emotionally abusing you for quite some time, but you've become so used to it that you hardly noticed until he stepped it up after you got pregnant. How can you ask if it's you who is being unreasonable? Your husband is saying you wanted the baby, despite willingly participating in ttc for two years. If he had said yes to a baby and then you got pregnant a month later his reaction might be put down to shock but he knew full well what he was getting into and now that the baby is nearly here he can't just back out and claim that you must do everything because he didn't want it in the first place.

Besides that, do you really think it's ok for someone to tell their partner they don't want to have sex with them because they're too fat?? That is just downright nasty and never ever acceptable. Some men are put off by pregnancy, that's fair enough, but it's up to them to put it in a diplomatic way and to make their partner feel loved and cherished rather than useless and ugly. He says you're lazy, not ambitious enough, makes you feel unattractive, and all the time you're trying to find a good reason for him to behave this way? Can you see how fucked up that is? The reason he is like that is because he is a nasty selfish wanker who doesn't care about you.

Good luck with getting away from him.

SusanneLinder · 20/02/2012 13:11

OP- I was with a man exactly like this.Except I wasnt in such a strong financial position as you. I am embarrassed to admit I stayed.And had another child. The only reason I did was because he worked away a lot.It got worse and worse.It took me a further 8 YEARS before I eventually kicked him out. Turned out he had slept with other people when I was pregnant,including someone that I thought was a friend.

Looking at me now, I cannot believe I put up with being treated like that.I am not that same person. I was a single parent for a while but I was at PEACE.

I eventually married a lovely guy, who worships the ground I walk on, and I adore him (even though he is a PITA like all men :o). But yes I can put up with a few annoyances like untidyness and apparently having to remember everything, cos I am treated with love and respect and am no one's emotional and physical punch bag.

My only piece of advice is to "get out NOW".Today, and dont look back.

IvanaHumpalot · 20/02/2012 13:13

Do you want your H around your child? Your DC being on the receiving end of your H moods/words/actions? Your DC learning behaviour from your H? Your DC watching your H grind you into the ground little by little every day. You curtailing your DC behaviour (fun) because your H wants to watch tv/tired/can't be arsed to get off the sofa?

Take yourself to your mum's. Set up cot etc... Have a rest till baby comes. Ask H if he would like counselling, have some yourself to help you through the early days of separation/divorce (if it comes to it). Get together a pack of relevant household info (bank details, passports, mortgage docs. pension statements, wage slips). Take your time deciding what is best for you. Enjoy being with baby.