DH resents me going on maternity leave

[sydneyslug]

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

Does he make you happy OP? I suspect you are only happy when he takes a break from being a twat. That isn't happiness, you know that.

He doesn't add anything to your life and there is no way that he will improve when the baby is born. He will make the right noises for a while and maybe give a tearful little speech but what he DOES, every hour of every day, will show you what he is.

Another question for you to consider.

If he is so resentful of the baby before it's born what would he do if (and obviously I'm hoping it wont) something happened to you and he was left with the baby by himself?

How does that scenario make you feel?

If you initial reaction is that you would hate that for your child - then I think you know your answer, and you need to start making provisions now so that can't happen.

Please think about this.

You need to get out NOW because, once the baby is born, you will lack the strength - both physical and emotional - to leave. You will find yourself trapped and he will use the fact that you've had a baby to grind you down and abuse you further. If you, God forbid, end up with a c-section or a compex birth, you will be even more vulnerable.

Please get out now. Do not let this person use your pregnancy as a weapon against you. Please, please leave.

(from bitter experience)

You are not 'making a fuss about nothing'. You are quite rightly unhappy that your husband and father of you child is being so downright nasty to you, day in day out. Not normal, not acceptable.

Go now, don't wait! Or can't he go? What's the house deposit situation again? (I know you put this on an earlier page but can't remember where). Can you get out of the house purchase? Can one of you go to the 'new' house and the other stay where you are? I don't think you should spend another hour in his company. Toxic.

If he had said yes to a baby and then you got pregnant a month later his reaction might be put down to shock but he knew full well what he was getting into and now that the baby is nearly here he can't just back out and claim that you must do everything because he didn't want it in the first place.

I agree. And to do so is nothing short of cruelty in my honest opinion.

OP - going on what you have said on this thread alone, I think your husband is very cruel man.
He is very concerned with his own feelings and agenda, behaving as though he is hard done by and is outraged by that 'fact'.
However, when it comes to the feelings and needs of his wife and soon-to-be-arriving baby, he is an emotional void. Cold, cruel and empty.

OP - imagine what having such a man as a father, will do to a child?

You need to make the break and create the warm, accepting, loving environment that the child will thrive in. Not the misery and resentment of a tyrannical father who has no regard for anyone but himself.

It's a fucking scary prospect.

I don't know if you know the sex of your baby, OP.

But say you have a boy do you want him growing up copying your partner's behaviour ? It will break your heart. ( I hate to see my DS treat me with less respect than I'd like, and am pretty sure he's copied at least some of it from DH - but not as serious as the way your H is treating you all the time now )

Or you have a girl and in 25 years time she goes out with someone who treats her/abuses her like your partner is treating you - calls her a whore for going on Mat Leave FFS

Shock tactics on my part perhaps, but for your good, and I hope they have the desired effect ... Meaning you leave him !

OP, another one here saying you should leave well before you have the baby.

If you were my daughter and I discovered this was what your life was like, I'd stage an intervention and take you away from it all. I'd be horrified to think my child was having to live like that.

He may become possessive of the child once it's born - esp. if it's a boy. Sometimes these people use the baby to emotionally and mentally abuse the mother. My ex partner wouldn't let me pick ds1 up or cuddle him etc. He used to shout at him and let him cry. It was terrible. You need to get out. It will get worse once the baby is born I'd have rather lived in a bloody skip than what I ended up with. Took me three years to bloody get rid of him.

This is not normal. I would think carefully about leaving the marriage now, before the baby is born. This can easily turn really sinister, and after the baby is born, you wont have much strength to deal with his behaviour. The hurt and upset will be much worse.

OP what a sad situation. I agree with all other posters, you do need to think about moving to your moms asap. You have a good job, great salary you could easily support yourself and your baby. Is you H planning on being with you at the birth and is he going to take any paternity leave? When our dc were born i was ill for a couple of weeks afterwards and all i did was bf them, my DH did all nappies, hpusework, cooking and looked after me. You need support now and after. From what you have said i'm not sure your H will be able to look after you and the baby, maybe your mom can. He sounds awful and i cant see him being more supportive afterwards. All moms adore their babies and they do come first, not the husbands. He sounds like he is resentful of the baby already, not good news for the future i'm afraid.

Good God. I'm used to some of the shocking things that can be seen on MN, but this thread has had my jaw dropping further with every new post from the OP.

TBH, I wouldn't even wait until your mat leave starts, unless it is very soon and work is more conveniently reached from where you are.
I'd be off out the door and to my mum's asap - he sounds like an utter cock.

As I have been extremely lazy and only read the OP's posts, I don't know if someone has already mentioned it (but I'm sure they have) that lots of abuse in marriage starts when the woman is pregnant. Almost as though the bastards think "Gotcha!" at that point, and that they can do what they like now.

Get rid of him asap. It doesn't matter if he turns it around after the baby is born - his treatment of you now is utterly lacking in respect and is disgusting. However, from what you've said, I can't see him turning it around - more likely, he'll whine and whinge that you pay too much attention to the baby and not enough to him and he'll go off and have an affair and blame you. Get out while you still can easily enough.

So sorry you're going through this - and so sorry that the man you thought was half-decent has turned out to be such a knob-end. :(

Get rid of him op.

For yours and your baby's sake.

OP - you need to start wiping your internet history when you log off. Where is your passport and important documents? Keep them close. And yes I too would suggest leaving now.
You are about to go through the biggest lifechangeyou will ever have. It will render you incredibly vulnerable and make your responsible for the safety and wellbeing of a small and very fragile little person. You do not need to be living with a total arse when this happens.

What a cunt!

I would leave as soon as possible. No reason to wait if you've made up your mind.

Thanks for your advice. His argument is I don't contribute enough to household bills or housework (not true, incidentally), and thus I am a 'fucking waste of space'. It's just grinding and depressing. You will probably not be surprised to hear that my father is very emotionally abusive.

Have you had a look at the stately homes thread op? Lots of support to be had there.

You can stop listening to him if you choose to - and start listening to us, and yourself !

Sorry, but no, not surprised, that you've seen all this before with your Father.

Be the generation to draw a line under emotional abuse of women in your family - for your daughter or son's sake, as well as for your own.

Life can be much better than this !

He sounds absolutely horrendous and I do think you seriously need to think about walking out. He is being extremely emotionally abusive and it sounds like it's got worse as your pregnancy has progressed, so who knows what could happen once the baby has arrived? If you can go to stay with your mum and she will support you, I would go for that option.

Yep that's what I'm thinking. It's not normal to tell someone you don't want the baby they're carrying, is it! And then to blame this on them because they don't do enough housework or pay enough of the bills!

Waste of space, eh? Takes one to know one. People have posted on here before about how abusers are quick to accuse their partners of exactly their own faults/bad habits. I hope you can see what's happening here. It's also very likely he knows exactly what buttons to push to make you feel you are the unreasonable one. Don't fall for this. Make yourself and your child the priority right now. This is not how a decent man behaves, whining about supporting his wife and child (and I take your point that his criticisms about not contributing are not true - more of his own faults projected onto you, I'd imagine).

If you're such a waste of space, and the prospect of fatherhood is so awful, why does he not actually want to leave? Because then he'll have no-one he can enjoy bullying, that's why. Shameful behaviour.

Of course it isn't normal! It's appalling!!

You are eight months pregnant and very vulnerable right now. He is supposed to be supporting you, not telling you that you are 'a fucking waste of space'.

What inutterably horrible thing to say to someone in your physical and emotional condition! This is the very antithesis of a good husband. He is a dreadful man.

Can I be the only person reading this thread and wishing fervently that I knew who this "man" was so I could give him a bit of his own medicine.

Sorry OP I know that doesn't really help you but please, get out of the house before the baby is born. Go to your mum's and call a solicitor. This man is the worst kind of bully and given everything that he has said about the child I would work with that solicitor to ensure he does not have unsupervised access to the child. I wouldn't trust this kind of evil bully further than I could throw him.

I'd say about 99% of what he says to me is projection, or I'll say "I'm feeling vulnerable about my career because it will be weird not having that role or earning money" and inevitably an hour later he'll say something like "You have achieved nothing in your career and your job's going nowhere". He feels he has failed in his career (he earns more than me but thinks he should be earning hundreds of thousands) and so he projects it onto me.

I can't see that he's going to view your child (yours, OP, not his) as anything other than a financial drain on his apparently precious resources. No-one should have to live like that.