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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH resents me going on maternity leave

240 replies

sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 10:58

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

OP posts:
Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 15:30

Yes that's what I suspect too. It all comes back to money - he is completely obsessed with it. Unfortunately this isn't just as a result of pregnancy, he has always been like this.

As you have all said, I suspect it's just another way of berating and controlling me.

OP posts:
wildfig · 20/02/2012 15:34

I'm horrified. I don't have anything useful to add to what's been said already, but just get the feeling you need to hear from as many people as possible that this about as far from 'normal' as it gets. You owe it to yourself, and your baby, to leave. This is not the sort of environment that any child should believe to be loving or right.

HappyAsASandboy · 20/02/2012 16:05

Personally, I wouldn't go to your mums yet. I would go to a solicitor and ask them how to protect yourself and your nearly-there baby and consider the information. Not for long, as you need to be away from him before the baby comes, but there might be a way of getting him to leave instead of you. Perhaps you could ask your mum to move in with you for a few weeks/months while you get it sorted?

I am NOT saying stay with this man. Just that it might benefit you long term to seek legal advice this week rather than bail to your mum's and end up worse off long term. Fighting this man for every penny you can will not be you taking him for a ride, it will be you securing what you can for the baby that he agreed to make. Remember that this is all about the baby, the baby he consented to. Don't let him make you out to be a money grabber.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 20/02/2012 16:07

I would go to a solicitor and ask them how to protect yourself and your nearly-there baby and consider the information. Not for long, as you need to be away from him before the baby comes, but there might be a way of getting him to leave instead of you

Good point actually!

Are you renting/mortgage?

StarlightDicKenzie · 20/02/2012 16:11

Simply HAVING a baby doesn't make people love them. It is the investment of your resources into them that makes it happen (after the hormone thingy has fallen off). You take very good care of them, and in the early days spend every moment with them looking after their primitive needs, then you spend time with them and money on them, and give up days of work for them.

Then you cannot imagine doing anything else.

But you have to put the effort in first of all. If he won't do that then there is just no point in staying with him.

Jux · 20/02/2012 16:14

Cut your losses before it becomes too difficult. Don't think he'll suddenly adore the baby and become wonderful to youl. He may (only may) adore the baby, but he'll carry on being a shit to you.

So sorry you've got such a waste-of-space in your house at the moment.

campariandlemonade · 20/02/2012 17:05

Would say same as wildfig sydney

Really feel for you.

Hope more than anything that you get to enjoy your baby when he/she arrives in peace. Don't let your husband spoil the precious time that's coming up

wildfig · 20/02/2012 17:27

sandboy has a very good point - he sounds like the sort of bully who'd turn nasty (nastier?) quickly, so it's probably better to prepare yourself thoroughly on your legal position well in advance of doing anything. Maybe recounting all this to a legal professional - and hearing it read back to you - will put it into some kind of perspective for you too.

WilsonFrickett · 20/02/2012 17:47

He feels he has failed in his career (he earns more than me but thinks he should be earning hundreds of thousands

He's projecting every single one of his insecurities onto you. He needs your undivided attention and financial backing to make him feel like (to use a Glasgow term) 'the big man'. He's bright enough to know that once the baby comes he'll take a back seat for a while and he's petrified. So he's ramping up the emotional pressure, inch by inch, making you feel worthless and that your worth is dependant on his approval.

OP, I have never written this in a post before but I absolutely believe that when you try to be a mother to this unborn baby, and try to put the needs of your child first, this man will start to use his fists. 30% of DV starts in pg or near the time of birth.

Tomorrow, at your lunch break, book a solicitor's appointment - the first one is usually free. Phone Women's aid as well. Talk to your mother. Lay plans. But please, please act before your baby comes.

Every single post I've read from you has made me feel more and more scared for you. As the child of a DV victim I have to hide thread now, I hope you understand why. I wish you and your baby all the strength you need.

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 17:48

Well said Sandboy

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 17:49

And wilson.

I agree it is important to seek legal advice and secure you and your baby financially.

LittleMissGoodEnough · 20/02/2012 19:04

So op, what are you going to do with this revelation?

Elderberries · 20/02/2012 20:21

I hope you are feeling OK and strong. Just keep calm and decide what you are going to do.

ahhhhhpushit · 20/02/2012 20:31

Good GOD almighty.

GET OUT NOW NOW NOW NOW

This is awful.

I cant even bold enough words to emphasis how this is going to go from bad to worse for you if you dont get the hell out of there.

There is a very strong possibility that your baby will become the victim of his abuse once it is here, being the most vulnerable and weak person in your house. For the sake of your child please go.

openerofjars · 20/02/2012 20:39

I'm scared of this man and I'm not even you. How long until he first hits you? He is laying the groundwork so that, when he does become physically violent, it is all justified, in his sick mind. He wants you compliant and downtrodden, so that you believe his lies as well. Right now, he is telling you stories about how he wants the narrative of your life together to run, for both you and himself.

Get yourself and your child out while you can and while you are both okay.

NonnoMum · 20/02/2012 20:41

Please talk to your MW or Women's Aid or someone as soon as you can.

A man who calls his 8 months pregnant wife "a whore" is not displaying normal behaviour.

I'm really concerned for you.

balia · 20/02/2012 20:49

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It should be a wonderful time for you. You never know what might happen in the future - but if this was to be your only experience of pregnancy, do you want him to be any part of it? Get that legal advice by all means (you could post on legal right now) but have a plan to be without this man as soon as is humanly possible. Your Mum will help you (I'm assuming she isn't still with abusive Dad?) and being away from this pathetic excuse for a father would be better for you in the long run than any amount of money - you have the earning power to take care of your child yourself. (That doesn't mean let him off paying maintenance or anything - just don't delay for a minimal financial advantage).

runningwilde · 20/02/2012 22:10

You really need to get out NOW. You will be completely exhausted and overwhelemed and vulnerable when baby arrives so do yourself - and your baby a favour and go NOW! Everything he is doing is unnaceptable.

ifeelloved · 20/02/2012 22:17

Bloodydog, whilst your experience sounds bad , don't claim that babies bring out the worst in men. Just cos you had a bad experience, there are many wonderful men out there who would love to be dads

ifeelloved · 20/02/2012 22:29

Op your oh sounds like an utter arse, I think you know what you need to do, for you and your child. Not one person on here has thought that there is any reason why he should be behaving this wax - because there isn't one.

BloodyDogEscapedAgain · 20/02/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Thumbwitch · 20/02/2012 22:52

Bloody - you made a wide sweeping statement about "men". That is why you're being picked up on it, no other reason.

BloodyDogEscapedAgain · 20/02/2012 23:10

My last message was deleted no idea why.

It wasn't meant as a sweeping statement. I only meant it can happen and I gave an example.

I did say people too. Some women have been known to change/ react badly to life changing events.

I haven't said anything since this lunchtime but all of a sudden someone comments on what I say.

I seriously don't think everybody else took it as a sweeping statement!!

cestlavielife · 20/02/2012 23:15

Move into your mums have the baby and stay there . Safer.
Think if you even want him in delivery room .
But make sure you safe he might get nasty

cestlavielife · 20/02/2012 23:15

Physically nasty I mean