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Original poster

DH resents me going on maternity leave

240 replies

sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 10:58

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

OP posts:
altinkum · 20/02/2012 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:48

I have saved quite a lot of money which he doesn't know about because I always suspected this would happen and I thought I'd need a running-away fund. He is feeling particularly wounded because he has just paid the deposit for a house we're buying, which is of course not in the right area, not the right house, he didn't even want to buy the house and that's entirely for my benefit because I wanted the baby etc etc etc...

OP posts:
IDoNotLIKEFun · 20/02/2012 11:49

Poor you, OP. My XH was exactly the same when I was on ML. He'd rant and rave about having to get up. He only been working three weeks I might add Hmm

When DD was two months old he BIT he because I didn't get out of bed in time to see to her before he woke. Wasn't working himself by this time. I would have to take her to a CM in a cab. I went into work and got the injury photographed. He was out of my house the next day.

That's how fast things can escalate. Be prepared to run for the hills.

pictish · 20/02/2012 11:51

He is going to crush you OP.

You are not his living doll ffs!

His attitude towards you is repugnant. I certainly don't think he likes women very much does he?

NoMoreMarbles · 20/02/2012 11:52

wow he sounds like a massive A-hole!! has he always been like this? what a selfish nobber!!

i say this in all seriousness...leave the bastard...you will be better off without him!

DialMforMummy · 20/02/2012 11:52

I'd go. It sounds like you'd be better off without him. I am so sorry, it must be really hard.

Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:52

I think it's all a big power-play. He wants to be in charge and to completely control me. He has already said I will love the child more than him (?!) and I think he feels he will be redundant, plus have to pay for the privilege. He has had a rocky time of it career-wise over the last few years and he resents having to pay anything, which is a major issue for him.

He can be sweet and charming, but more and more I find myself on edge when he walks through the door because I don't know what mood he will be in or what horrible things he will say next.

Oh and he HATES the fact I said I was happy to divorce if he wanted to. He said I have always been angling to be a single parent! I said I just would rather be a single parent than be treated like that. He then stormed off to bed calling me a whore because he paid the house deposit.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 20/02/2012 11:53

Yes, of course you feel dissapointed and hurt Sad

Tbh when i read your first op it did cross my mind that the baby was your decision (apology for this) because of the bshit he says to you. Also, i thought that you don't have job and skills. Well, now it is clear that you do and i'm glad that you are making plans. 40K is a good income (ok i know there was a thread about it) and you might find more options re working from home or cheaper childcare. Whatevder you do it will be better than living with him.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2012 11:55

I feel sorry for you OP I really do

But I also feel angry that you'd even think about getting deliberately pregnant by someone you've always suspected you'd have to run away from.

Surely to God you didn't think you could change him by having a baby?

Punchthosecalories · 20/02/2012 11:55

I suggest you get planning Operation Damage Limitation now.

Yes he's an arse. Worse that that actually but let's not dwell on that.

The important thing is that you get you and you child in the best position you can in life.

Particularly given the Universal Credit thing coming in I'd recommend you get a decent divorce lawyer and keep your job to support the two of you.

SarahStratton · 20/02/2012 11:56

He called you a whore? Shock

PhantomPAYNE · 20/02/2012 11:58

IDoNotLIKEFun :( Shocking! I thought what you had written was a typo:(

Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 11:59

When we were TTC he wasn't like this - I didn't actively think 'oh I'll try for a baby with a man who will make my life a misery and make me feel embarrassed for being pregnant and thus sexually repulsive to him, so he can sit wanking to porn and feel indignant when I walk in and feel upset about it'.

Baby was my decision - he very much just went along with it - but given he agreed to it and TTC for two years, I thought he would imagine it was also his responsibility and not solely mine, in terms of caring for the baby and paying for it?!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/02/2012 12:01

Fair enough OP

I'm just having trouble believing an otherwise normal, decent, loving man turned into a monster after you pissed on a stick.

But if that's the case, I'd definitely cut your losses now.

ChaoticAngel · 20/02/2012 12:02

OP it's not easy being a single parent.

However, it's a hell of a lot easier than being in a relationship with a disrespectful, selfish, controlling twunt. You and your baby deserve a lot better than this idiot who will make your life hell.

Wrt the bit about him expecting you to be sexually available to him at all times shows that he doesn't see you as a human being, just a living, breathing blow doll whom he can wank into whenever he feels like it.

pictish · 20/02/2012 12:02

Right well. Fuck him.

He is a fucking horror.

Oh, and btw - you will love the baby more than him. Especially when he is such a cunt. I couldn't find any love in my heart for a man like him.

You will see that your child deserves and needs an emotionally supportive household, which includes mum being cherished and treated with respect too. From what you're saying, this baby is is being brought into a wholly unsuitable environment for his or her physical and emotional needs. You yourself will end up scared and depressed under the tyranny of this bad bad man.
I suspect he is already abusive to you, but the arrival of this wee baby will ensure it.

He doesn't care about anyone but himself, and what's worse - he thinks that YOU shouldn't care about anything other than him as well.....not even yourself. He sees your feelings and opinions as irrelevent. That will be extended to the baby.

He does not want this child.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 12:03

So, in the last 8 months, he has turned from a lovely man to a sexist, misogynistic, disrespectful, abusive twat, has he ?

is he mentally ill ?

perhaps a brain tumour ?

perhaps he has male antenatal depression ?

EightiesChick · 20/02/2012 12:05

You'll never be able to do anything right for him, will you? I would bet that if you were earning 100K, you had the perfect house and were attending to his needs every minute of the day, there'd still be cause for complaint. Many men would count themselves unbelievably lucky to have you and the baby. not that further proof's needed, but he is a complete waste of space. Get rid of him. You and your baby will have a far better time of it without him.

ChaoticAngel · 20/02/2012 12:06

"I'm just having trouble believing an otherwise normal, decent, loving man turned into a monster after you pissed on a stick."

It does happen Worra Sad There are men out there, abusive men, who only reveal their true nature when their DW/P is at her most vulnerable, which is often when they are pregnant.

PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 12:07

Pictish..... I am loving your work today!

IDoNotLIKEFun · 20/02/2012 12:08

There was a typo, should have said bit me, not he, but yes, it is shocking. I couldn't have a man like that around DD.

He could also be sweet and charming, but only in terms of words. Master of the grand "romantic" speech and tears. I actually think he was able to do that because he had some sort of personality disorder. None of it meant anything to him, it was just a way of keeping me.

I had serious self-esteem issues and an unhealthy emotional upbringing so I can see why the OP is allowing herself to be treated like this although not saying that's her reason AT ALL - I don't know her.

But it all changed when the DD arrived. I didn't just love her, I fell in love, and I suppose that made me understand what love is and what it means.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Original poster
sydneyslug · 20/02/2012 12:10

I think the main trigger has been having to spend his money! Also the lack of sex and realisation I won't be doing 18 hour working days and thus paying half into the household.

Basically he doesn't want the baby and went along with it because he didn't want to lose me, but now wants me to do the 1950s housewife thing as well as earning lots of money. Totally unrealistic and depressing because, as you say, I will never be able to do enough to make him happy.

He is negative and critical and generally dislikes life, and was like this long before I met him - It just took me a while to realise his unhappiness isn't circumstantial, it's fundamental to who he is - and of course he has to blame someone else for it!

Luckily I have my own car so can live with my mum if this doesn't turn around when the baby is born

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 20/02/2012 12:10

Something like 30% of domestic abuse starts during pregnancy.

Don't be this statistic my love. You have some money in the bank and you have choices. It will be much harder to leave once you have the baby, for all sorts of reasons.

Best of luck to you.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 12:11

Did you always have seperate finances ?

Laquitar · 20/02/2012 12:12

I think it is not uncommon when you ttc for long and you fear that it might not happen to get so much focused on it and to push away the problems with dp.

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