DH resents me going on maternity leave

[sydneyslug]

My DH resents me going on mat leave because I won't be earning any money and the baby is for my benefit apparently. I am also lazy for 'sitting on my arse' (I'm 8 months pregnant) whilst he goes out to work. I am beginning to dread having this baby if he is so resentful of having to pay towards it, or actually do anything to help!

True Chaotic but I also think the fact the OP thought she might never get pregnant is quite telling.

I wonder if she 'overlooked' the fact he's a cunt because her need for a baby was so strong?

Perhaps his cuntishness is now magnified due to the pregnancy, or perhaps being pregnant has made the OP finally see it for herself.

The reason I'm saying this is not to bash the OP by the way, it's because I'm worried she might persuade herself it's all down to the pregnancy and he's suddenly going to turn into a decent human being when his baby arrives.

Not a chance in hell by the sound of him.

I think you've got at least 3 great things going for you Sydney ....

1 You're about to have a baby. Congrats !

2 You have a great job, earning 40k. Well done to you !

3 You realise you need to leave this man and have been thinking and making plans for that to happen !

Good luck with birth, baby, and everything else (leaving H !)

Loving the comment "Maternity leave can be a great time to make all the time consuming telephone calls involved in leaving a partner/ getting a divorce" !

You have a brighter future without him Sydney

And the best thing is that I think you know that x

Luckily I have my own car so can live with my mum if this doesn't turn around when the baby is born

Cross posted but that ^ is exactly what I meant.

I hate the MN 'leave the bastard' mentality, but I genuinely think this man will get worse and not better when the baby comes along.

No, OP, I think you would be making a mistake to hope he will turn back into a half-decent bloke when the baby comes

You don't yet understand just how vulnerable being the mother of a newborn baby makes you

Personally, I would not put myself in that position

he has told you what he is, quite clearly

listen to him

To be fair to the OP, my ex-H was like this. We TTC for 2 years, and he became more and more controlling. We split up, and he admitted he'd never wanted children because it would stop him surfing when we went to the beach in that he'd have to look after the child, and make sure it didn't drown. During the TTC he was adamant he wanted children.

He wanted me completely to himself, didn't want to share me at all - but he was so controlling and abusive by the end that I'd lost all self-confidence and I couldn't see a way out. Fortunately for me he decided that leaving me would make me so upset I'd beg him to stay and give up on having children. Unfortunately for him, what happened is that being on my own gave me space to realise I couldn't be with him.

OP get out

this is how mental abuse slips into physical abuse

You have to protect your baby from this pathetic excuse for a penis

He sounds a horrible man. Marriage is about supporting each other and that means he should be supporting you with this pregnancy. Not complaining and resenting you going on maternity leave.

It is as easy as that for a man to change.

My ex couldn't wait for us to have a baby but the minute I was pregnant it all changed.

I had a very easy pregnancy in terms of the baby but not in terms of the partner. He tried to convince me to have an abortion and when I refused his words to me where "what am I supposed to tell my mum now?" Tell her what the F you want knobtwat!!!

Seriously people ccan just change over night when the reality of a life changing event kicks in.

OP your H sounds like he is only going to get worse.

I'm not usually of the leave the bastard brigade but in this case you really do need to make a new life for yourself and your baby.

Op, 10 years ago I could have typed this. So just want to show my support for you as I found in RL my situation was extremely isolating because I felt that no-one would have believed me and I felt foolish for thinking that things would change.

May, when you give birth, you find your inner lioness. if you can afford to take the time off for maternity, and you haven't undertaken operation exit, don't let this child-man bully you into going back early if you don't want to. You'll never get the time back!

Worra I see what you mean and from the OP's last post you could be right.

OP please don't wait until you've had the baby to leave. That is the time when you'll be at your most vulnerable.

Thank you all for your advice. I know you're right!

He also now regularly accuses me of being boring and says he finds any mention of the pregnancy boring. I am dull and he wishes he had never gotten me pregnant, apparently.

I think I will go to my mum's as soon as I go on maternity leave!

So sad for him not to be looking forward to and loving seeing you look forward to and make plans for a much wanted (by OP at least) first baby.

Should be such a happy time. My DH isn't perfect but I remember him making little birth announcement cards, and going out together to choose a couple of cuddly toys for her ! If he can be this horrible at such a special time for you then for me it would be over.

What do you plan to do?

Babies are hard work. Do you think he'll fall in love with baby and change his mind once it's here?

I doubt it. Babies don't do that to people - they don't give much back so many new dads feel at a loss even if they wanted the child.

You need a Plan.

X Post with your latest OP - but pleased to see your latest thoughts. Good plan !

The thing is, I keep questioning myself and wondering if I'm making a big fuss over nothing. He thought I was totally overreacting to walking in on him three times as he wanked to porn after saying he didn't want to have sex with me because of my fat thighs and bum. He thinks I am being completely unreasonable in expecting him to do anything with the baby, because I wanted it. Had I known at the time that he was expecting me to do everything, I wouldn't have TTC with him.

I keep wondering who is the mad one here! How can he feel so indignant and so hard done-by if actually his behaviour is totally out of order?

I'm glad you're going to your Mum's OP.

Even in the most 'perfect' relationship a newborn baby can cause just as much stress/arguments as it does joy...and that's in an equal partnership.

You don't need to be dealing with someone like that when you're at your most vulnerable...and god forbid you got PND or even just a tad down because you'll need someone close to pick you up at that point...not stick the boot in.

Good luck

It doesn't matter what he says

I expect if you do go to your mum's he will blame you as some sort of money-grubbing baby machine that stole his sperm

so fucking what

Relationships are about happiness and you're not happy. Forget whether or not you're reasonable, which you are, you are not happy....

Be strong sydney

He is the mad one, not you.

Please go to your Mums as per your plan. IMO looking back you will be so pleased you did.

This is only going to get worse once the baby is here.

Do you want your child being brought up by an abuser? Do you want your child to see his mother being abused?

You have the ability to make a wonderful life for you and your baby. But you need to leave your abuser first.

I am worried about your state of mind one the baby comes.

I'm glad your latest post says that you will leave him when you start maternity leave.

My MW told me that labour goes best in women who have relaxed themselves before the birth (obviously that's not a cure-all, it's just generally) (ie had time off - your H stressing you out will not help your mental state in preparing for a baby)

And I must also say, that I could never have imagined how tiring having a brand new baby is. If my DH hadn't been in the position to look after my every whim, I wouldn't have coped.
You'll see it time and time again in threads about how to cope with the first few weeks after childbirth - you need to be relaxed and looked after, not nagged to get back to normal as soon as possible - you'll not be able to get out of bed, never mind dressed! in the first week at least, and the only way that can happen is if you have someone to bring you food and drink constantly, and even help you to the toilet if necessary.

The thing is, I keep questioning myself and wondering if I'm making a big fuss over nothing

Listen to how you describe yourself. You sound so matter of fact as if you agree with him. Are you not angry? Does part of you agree with him? Do you consider yourself a whore (his words)?!!

How can you even contemplate staying with him?

You don't need to move back to your mum's. Find a place for you and your baby. Get the paperwork ready for the CSA, claim whatever benefits you can and need to.

Please get out OP. Once the baby is here, it's just going to get worse, it really will. Horrible horrible situation. He sounds mentally abusive.

He is emotionally abusing you. He really is totally wrong. You will not be able to make him see reason because he makes reality suit his wants. He sounds amoral to me.