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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:

prm77 · 21/02/2012 22:36

Not at all. Life is so much better for all of us. I've stopped being consumed by the children. I'm happy to leave them with a babysitter whilst DH and go out for the evening. DH has become very thoughtful and more loving and attentive than when we were first married. We are going on a family holiday at Easter which I am so excited about! We are going to renew our vows with me in an Alice Temperley.If we had split up no doubt I would have been in rented Accomodation, talking through A lawyer, seeing my beautiful house and garden that I've created sold off. For a fling with an office plaything it is not worth it.

WetAugust · 21/02/2012 22:43

Shallow, shallow, shallow

oikopolis · 21/02/2012 22:45

Alice Temperley? your beautiful house? good God

please can we stop engaging with this? grey is the one who's trying to get her head straight and make the right decisions for herself and her family.

maleview70 · 21/02/2012 22:49

I knew I was in the wrong when my ex wife had an affair and my actions or lack of them almost certainly led to it so you do have to look at certain aspects of yourself when dealing with an affair. The difference with me and prm is that I didn't want her back and therefore didn't bother making an effort to change things. I think it's not everyone's solution but it worked for her.

Jux · 21/02/2012 22:54

Prm if you want to go into how you sorted out your cheating h then start your own thread and stop derailing this one. STOP POSTING HERE.

prm77 · 21/02/2012 22:57

Oh jux thanks. I didn't realise I could do that I thought ppl might think I was preaching. Bye and thanks for letting me share.

Inertia · 21/02/2012 23:29

Greyriver, hope you're getting valuable support from your friends tonight.

Your updates are amazing- your increasing sense of determination shines through with each new post. You have come so far - and your response to H about being your own person and making your own decisions shows incredible strength of character. He's clearly totally taken aback by the fact that you have taken control of the situation- he was planning a few months of shilliy-shallying around with both of you on the go, but now decisions have been taken out of his hands (good thing too; his recent decision-making history is pretty abysmal).

Like other posters, I was struck by his certainty about getting back together, and the fact that he seems to think he can dictate how your marriage needs to be in order for things to work. Yes, you both need to work at rebuilding a relationship that is right for both of you- but he made a big big mistake, and needs to start acknowledging the impact it's had on you and on the foundations of your marriage. Currently, the cornerstones of trust and respect that relationships are built upon have been smashed by his actions, and he has to start by rebuilding them- not mithering about how hard done to he feels.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/02/2012 23:53

maleview you're a right belly laugh aren't you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/02/2012 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

MrsJoeDuffy · 22/02/2012 00:51

hmmm. I think I'd rather be a man hater than a doormat.

Jux · 22/02/2012 00:58

Agree UA.

saffronwblue · 22/02/2012 05:35

Let's keep the focus on grey and her magnificent resolve. It seems to me that your DH, grey just can't sit with any negative feeling. He felt bored and ground down by domestic life (or something) so he had to seek out the OW. Now he feels sad and shamed (by his friends knowing) so he is trying to deflect those feelings into the big dramatic reform and reunion. Maybe he could learn to have his own feelings without turning them into a drama for others.
Who knew that having an affair would cause hurt , trash his reputation and risk his losing his family? What a terrible shock this must be for him! He had no idea! FFS.
Let him stew.

Abitwobblynow · 22/02/2012 06:17

PRM don't confuse two things. I do admire what you say, because you are saying something important (women also have to look at themselves as well instead of wallowing in victimhood), but you are mixing up two things:

All marriages have problems. It is a logical result of two individuals rubbing along, and bringing along inappropriate ways of communicating/resolving from their first families.

But bad marriages DO NOT 'cause' affairs. If you are unhappy in your marriage, exactly how does fucking some stranger resolve anything? Exactly how does that help the marriage? The only person who is responsible for turning to a third party is the person who CHOOSES to do this. They and their poor coping skills ('affairs are about the ego state of the individual' - Frank Pittman) are 100% responsible.

ONLY when the betrayer takes a good hard look at themselves, their tendency to avoid conflict, bottle up their feelings, deny stating their needs clearly, challenging their assumption that they are ENTITLED, that the rules don't apply to them because they are 'special', how they blame their spouse for everything that is wrong instead of owning their 50% of the problem;

then, and only then, does your point apply.

Abitwobblynow · 22/02/2012 06:31

Back to Grey: Grey, if there is anyone on this thread that you must listen to, please listen to Charbon. Read her threads again, and again, and ACT on the advice she gives you.

Remember: she was the one who first told you he was having an affair, in a very calm and clear way, because she KNOWS.

So look at what Charbon is telling you: it is still all about him.

I cannot tell you enough how important this is to get. It is THIS pattern that caused you to get problems in your M in the first place, to rant, to drink because you weren't being heard. It is THIS which made him switch off to what you were trying to tell you, decide you were a nag, that he was hard done by, and 'deserved' his choices.

So now he has been outed, other men important to his sense of respect are challenging his behaviour in the real world, and he doesn't like it. So he is scrambling back. But what hard work has he done? These are the things you need to INSIST he does:

To leave you alone and give you the space you need to think (no more Grey running around after Him and what He thinks/feels. Time for Him to take notice of Grey)
Go and get an STD test, and show you the results. This humiliating procedure will make him face what he has done - and protect you both.
He HAS to book counselling sessions, and go to them to work out why he did what he did. For me this this is absolutely non-negotiable. For me this is key to the next part of the relationship. Counsellors haven't got red buttons to push, have seen it all, call you on your evasions.

Good luck Grey. Listen to Charbon!

Abitwobblynow · 22/02/2012 06:37

Listen guys: this attacking people and making personal remarks about them to put them down because you don't like what they are saying ad hominem attacks,

is one of the most distasteful and out of control things (MNHQ take note, this is YOUR management issue) about Mumsnet. Stop it.

Where are the two brain cells you could rub together, to consider that PRM might have a point, to think about why it doesn't apply here but where it could?

LittlePebble · 22/02/2012 06:57

Grey I agree with everyone Charbon gives awesome advice really cutting through everything and getting to the crux of it.

Sorry that your thread has been derailed a bit please ignore the sidetrack and read all the really good guidance on here as I wish I'd had this advice when it happened to me.
(p.s. I am now very happy and know that whichever road you choose, as long as you stay strong, listen to and believe in yourself , you will be too - it just takes time and a lot of work unfortunately)

menopausemad · 22/02/2012 07:45

Nothing to add except Grey, you are behaving with such dignity. I am quietly really pleased that you are exercising some autonomy and making choices. Just take your time. There is no rush for anything apart from protecting yourself and your children. I wish I could buy you a really lovely coffee with a small but utterly delicious cookie. X

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/02/2012 10:23

Sorry but I still think he spent the night with her at the hotel. He didn't drive to work to drop her off, she was in the car with him!!!

Why oh why does he need to tell you that 'she is devastated' - is that meant to make you feel sorry for her? Sorry for him that he has 'devastated' someone?

Why would he drive to her WORK to tell her, when he had all the night at the hotel to ring or text her? And, if what he says is true, then it speaks volumes that he went to see her first to tell her it was over, rather than straight round to YOU to beg forgiveness. If he really really wanted you back and she was history, he would not have gone to her work to finish it.

Whilst there may be some way forward for your relationship at some point in the future, the only way he will realise he has to focus on putting things right, is to realise what he is losing. He just won't make the effort if you let him back or give him any hints that this stage that you might forgive him. He has to start right back at square 1 and work his way up from there.

And as for 'he will answer all my questions and help me through this' - like you are some child that just needs a bit of guidance!! Helping you through this meaning dumping the kids somewhere while you go off to some hotel.

Marriage and children come as part of a package. If he feels he can only get the attention 'he deserves' when the children are not around, then I'd just buy him a mirror to put up in the bedsit he will be living in.

Original poster

greyriver · 22/02/2012 10:47

Day one : Radio silence

Cant believe I have done it. He has packed his things and gone, feeling the way, I believe I have felt the past few days. Utterly devastated. Don't think he saw this one coming I really don't.

He thinks he's lost me.

OP posts:

Original poster

greyriver · 22/02/2012 10:48

OP posts:

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 22/02/2012 10:57

Thinking of you Greyriver and again admiring your dignity and strength in this. I hope you can find something to do today to make yourself feel a little more precious to yourself (if that make sense)

poppycat04 · 22/02/2012 11:18

Am sending a hug

TheRhubarb · 22/02/2012 11:28

I've been reading this thread in shock and not thinking that I had anything useful to add. I probably still don't.

I was reading it wondering how you would feel greyriver, if you were reading this as an outsider? I wondered what your reaction would be to the woman who was comforting her husband over his affair?

I am very very pleased to see that you've told him where to go. I have seen and still see so many men who think they can have their cake and eat it. My two brothers have been those men and they didn't give a shit about who they were hurting (one of my brothers still has multiple affairs and doesn't give a shit) they just thought of themselves and would justify it to themselves. They almost had this sense of entitlement because they were men and therefore entitled to have regular sex and if the little lady at home didn't provide it then it was their duty to seek it elsewhere. It was also about having these women who were utterly devoted to them, it made them feel powerful and in control.

I don't know why my brothers turned out like that, one of them thankfully has now changed but you'd have thought with them having 3 sisters they would have more respect for women, but then our mother was just the worst woman, very controlling and very domineering so perhaps that has something to do with it? In any case, I think what you have just done there is remarkable. He WILL try and worm his way back in because he DOES feel that he is entitled to both of you and he may never see what he has done as wrong. Saying the word 'sorry' is very easy to do, but it's not often meant.

So I just wanted to let you know how pleased I am that you've made the break and shown him the door. Even if he has no respect for you, you obviously have a lot of self-respect and know that you deserve so much better. I wish my brother's wives had (and would) do the same. Bloody well done.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 22/02/2012 11:39

good for you grey try to speak to your friends and sister and get as much support in RL as you can as well as on MN.

well done for being strong enough.

AnAirOfHope · 22/02/2012 11:44

greyriver - if you have the need to contact him post on here instead, it helps the urge and gives you time to consider if you really need to contact him or not.

I know he has done wrong but you can not switch your feelings off and i'm sure you still love him and need him as its been 15 years and its hard to turn that off and find a new way but please post and not contect him.

In the next few days i'm sure the shock will lift please rember we are all here to listen and help if you need us.

(((hugs))))

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