so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

Hi grey..just read this entire thread and wanted to send you a virtual hug and let you know that out here in cyberland there is one more person sat here full of admiration for you X

I think that the book being ordered on his account is brilliant..stay strong!

I'm liking crows thinking.
.
Why not add 'Genital Surgery for Beginners' and 'How To Clean Him Out & Keep EVERYTHING When You Divorce' to his bill?

Grey, I'm a lurker, but Ive felt the need to send you a message.

My H had an affair in July 2010. I didn't heed the advice given here, especially from the brilliant When Will I Feel Normal (she has since stopped messaging). I allowed H to continue to stay in the family home during the time, and I so wished I had your balls to throw him out. I didn't for fear of him running straight into OW's arms. And then I was faced with nearly 12 months of ambivience. We did seek couples counselling but even our counsellor felt frustrated with him. It got to a point where it was unbearable, I was always paranoid (although he had in fact finished the affair with OW/work colleague), but there was no transaparency in his actions and he just got angry with my constant paranoia.
In the end, I gave him the ultimatum of him going for personal counselling, or else we were to part. I couldn't stand the fact that he pretended nothing had happened. Like you, we were the so-called dream couple, to our friends and family.

Fortunately he did, and it made a tremendous difference. The point I'm making, is that your H has to confront his actions. And until then, can you both move forwards. 20so months on, I look back and think what an idiot I was to start with. But I've learnt from that period, and by no means are we 100%, we are 100% better than we were months leading to discovery.

Be strong. If he feels as strong about you as he's saying, he will fight for you. I had to withdraw before my H fought for us, and it was the most agonising 12 months of my life. Thinking of you.

IMO there's no percentage to be gained by changing the delivery address, Fio.

Even if the title of the book was 'How To Save A Marriage' he'd be ill-advised to assume that the author would be able to persuade grey that the marriage is worth saving - or that she's purchased the book with the intention of attempting to save hers.

so glad you deleted your 'friendly' neighbours text. What an arse, but it has made me wonder, was she right? Was the affair common knowledge amongst those living near you. That would make me even more angry.

Stay strong grey you are doing very well.

grey, if it was Amazon you ordered the book from, you can change the credit card details for your own as long as the order is still in the 'not yet dispatched' stage. I've done this before successfully. Just click on 'help', then 'how to make changes to your order'.

Time for a ?

xx

It's highly unlikely his affair was common knowledge but, given that he was using your car to have it off with the OW while parked in country lanes, it's within the bounds of possibility that someone noted the steamed up windows - although, of course, they may have assumed that it was you who was playing away.

I trust you've added 'new car' to his eventual bill and you've booked your current model in for a complete valet/interior steam service in the interim - charged to his card, of course.

I am not really sure that my husband understands the implications behind me asking him to leave. He was at a mutual friends last night and aside from discussing our relationship quite in depth (which I am not sure I like) he also kept saying, 'when' I go back.

I feel when he left it was probably such a shock and happened so quickly he probably didn't digest the true meaning behind him going, for me to make my mind up whether i want him back, and to shock him into what he is losing. I am also not sure how to deal with this chinese whispery thing going on...

Would it be detrimental at this stage to phone him and explain i would rather he didn't discuss our relationship? And also that the magnitude of whats happened is sinking in and I am not sure whether I can even take him back?

waivering and confused

Hello greyriver

I'm sorry to say this but I do feel that your husband may also need an outlet, so you cannot really stop him from discussing this - even with mutual friends.

You can however tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and hope that he respects your wishes. You are still entitled to tell him how you feel and if you still feel unsure about your future then perhaps he needs to know this.

Do you think he's treating this as a holiday? Chats with friends, possibly some wine etc....

Maybe it is you who needs to get away?

Chaaaaarbon?

Morning Grey. I am sure Charbon will be here to articulate what most of us are now going to attempt to say...

You are right in thinking that your H has not understood the gravity of the situation. His attitude seems to be that of a toddler going through the motions of being 'punished' so that everyone is clear that he has Been Told Off.

No. That is not what this is and he needs to understand it.

It sounds as though your mutual friend has reported back on the conversation (which is how you know he keeps saying 'when i go back')? If this is the case, I would ask friend to gently interrupt and ask him what makes him so sure he will definitely be getting back with you? As far as things stand right now, you are apart - not together but sleeping in separate houses. This needs to be made clear.

Personally, I don't think you should 'ban' him from discussing your relationship with anyone - everyone (even the 'baddy') needs an outlet to get their thoughts straight, but you are definitely entitled to ask him to keep his discussions within agreed people - a brother/best friend or whatever.

I really can't decide whether writing or calling him at this stage is a good idea. Gut instinct is 'no' - radio silence says so much. On the other hand, I appreciate that you want him to stop assuming that it's all going to be ok once you've decided he's been punished enough and I do think he needs to get that into his head.

Maybe a letter or email. Definitely not a conversation.

Sorry to not be more certain.

Charbooooon, AF

I think you're right that it hasn't sunk in with him yet. I think it did when he was leaving, but now he's away he's re-writing it in his head, and has constructed a new little fantasy when you call him begging to make it work as you've missed him so much and he comes back, a chaistened but wiser, stronger man. In his head he probably looks a bit like Mr.Big from sex and the city while this is all happening.

The less he hears from you, the more cracks will start appearing in this latest fantasy world (the last one was where you tried to be a better wife while he shagged OW on the side while thinking himself a bit of a tragic tortured soul).

Don't tell him not to talk to people, because you have and you don't want to put yourself in a position when he can call you on that. If your mutual friends report back to you, just say you'd rather not discuss it, but you're not even considering taking him back right now, and you don't know if you ever will. But I wouldn't go into it further than that.

When is he lined up to see the DC?

Tricky dilema - I agree with the others that you can't stop your H from discussing your relationship but I do feel he needs to understand why you have asked him to go - to give you space to decide on what you want to do.

It will take some time for the fog in his head to clear - after all he has been in his own bubble, self absorbed, detached and deluded for some time and it usually takes quite a bit of time before they realise exactly what they have done, the damage it has done to you, his family and so on.

greyriver he is probably struggling to come to terms with how his cosy little bubble has popped so he is happily pretending it hasn't really.

"Oh she's a bit upset now so I am graciously giving her some space whilst she realises that its not really as serious as all that...Then I'll buy her some flowers and we'll have a weekend away and it will all be OK"

I have visions of your mutual friend sitting there like this for most of the conversation.

This is a man who managed to convince himself that it was OK to cheat on his wife and that it was her fault really anyway I don't think self realisation is going to hit him that quickly. I also suspect that when he realises that its not all going to blow over easily he may start to get angry and blaming as he doesn't strike me as ready to take responsibility.

When mutual friends tire of him and he has to find a flat to live in reality may dawn but don't hold your breath for a Pauline conversion.

Morning Greyriver,

I think you need to articulate to your husband that it is very uncertain that you will ever want him back after this, and him airing the dirty laundry of your relationship with your mutual friends is diminishing those chances by the second!

You are aware of what is being said, and the moment you have the inkling that he is justifying his actions in choosing to have an affair with a younger woman, rather than working on his marriage, to your friends, he is also dirtying your reputation. This is a further betrayal of trust, and will lessen the chances of you and him rebuilding your marriage.

He needs to know that you are serious, so I would book that appointment with a solicitor now, and ensure you know where you stand from a divorce perspective.

Also tell him there are limits to how long he can bunk with friends, and you dont envisage him coming back so he might as well find himself a bedsit or rent a small flat.

And this is assuming he really is serious about his commitment to you and the marriage...I am having doubts about his commitment because it appears he is still not taking full responsibility for his affair.

Do you know what he is saying to these mutual friends?

No, it would seem that he is quite happy with the current state of affairs. He is the center of his friends attention, can lap up the drama of his own actions, I bet he is quite enjoying himself. Who knows, he might not be committed to rebuilding his marriage, but biding his time to see who cracks first, his wife, or the mistress. (In that she makes a move to set up home with him)
Nobody knows he might still be playing them both.

Do you know, I'd maintain a stony silence for now.

Yes, it could be that he's not quite grasped the implications of the whole thing. I don't think so, I have to say. I think the 'when I come back' attitude is a lot more than that - I think this man, unsurprisingly, is the same entitled, selfish, arrogant knob who thought he could have an affair and you'd take it lying down. Now he's moved on to thinking that yes, you're having your little spit the dummy moment - but ultimately, he's smugly secure of the 'fact' that you need him, want him, can't live without him etc. etc. And he'll be back. He may even be enjoying the drama, because at the moment that's all this is to him. Not his future at risk - just a bit of (yes, almost exhilarating) drama. He's probably already thinking smugly of the moment when you call and ask him to come back.

Why else would he think he could get away with an affair, with shitting all over you? Why would his essential personality have changed so drastically in a short space of time?

I'd have a long think about what his reaction probably means. It isn't great.

What is really important here? You, that's what. What YOU want. Don't fritter energies and anger on him. Most importantly, don't contact him to 'make your point' again - all he will see is you getting in touch, you being riled and upset, you responding. He thinks he'll be back? Well, more fool him. Because you aren't going to spend your time ranting down the phone at him - you're on more important business, the complex, delicate mental task of trying to work out, really and truly, whether you want him back.

If he knew that, if he could see inside your mind, if he wasn't such an arrogant prick that the thought you might be serious hasn't entered his head, he would be crapping himself.

Forget his movements and actions for now. If anything, stony silence is the only thing that probably will rattle him, to be honest.

Instead, get thinking. Two key areas:

Him. Could you return to loving this person wholeheartedly after this? Is he worth your love? If you took that path, do you think you'd regret it - look back in 20 years and think - he wasn't worth it?

You. Work out all the practicalities. It's a sad fact that people stay in the wrong relationship because they feel trapped, financially and physically, and it's easier. But it's rarely actually that strong a trap. Work out FIRST how you would not only survive, but THRIVE without him. It'll be easier than you think, if exhausting for a while. Then, when you aren't paralysed by fear of the unknown, consider point 1 again. And weigh it all up.

I hope you make the right decision for you, but a not-so-tiny part of me hopes that you make the decision to kick him into touch - because I would give anything to see the look on his smug little cheat's face when you politely and regretfully say, I'm sorry - you won't be coming back.

Greyriver another vote here for no contact.

I agree with those above I don't think he will listen to what you say when you contact him (however you contact him) I just think he will see it as contact and it will undermine the message of radio silence. I think you'll just have to sit tight and stick to the plan and wait for him to catch up with reality.

Maybe now would be the time to get yourself that pay as you go phone, so when you do next have to see him to arrange/ discuss the DC you can hand over the new number and request that he only use that to contact you. It may make things sink in a little more but I believe it will be a slow process and agree that once it does sink in he will get angry and probably come on the offensive.

Re: mutual friends - I would take the high road and say nothing. There is nothing he can say to your friends to justify sleeping with OW and the more he talks to them the more likely he is to show them exactly how childish and selfishly he has behaved.

By contrast your friends will see you quietly carrying on with life, looking after your DC's, acting with dignity and grace.....and by doing this and saying nothing you will surely and simply blow any reasons he has given for his affair out of the water.

Some good posts here.

At the moment, he is making it all about him. There is nothing about you really in anything he says. It is still just Me Me Me.

Enough of that. Think about YOU, your needs, and what you want.

I think he needs to and has every right to discuss your relationship with friends, unfortunately you cannot take that away from him. Do they know he's having an affair?

It may do him good to listen to what other people have to say.

For yourself, you also need to start confiding in friends and family as I get the feeling that you are too intensely private and whilst that's commendable, it is stopping you from getting that vital support and without it you may find the road ahead becomes a hill to climb.

Do not contact him because that proves to him that you not only care about what he and his friends think but that you are constantly thinking of him. He probably does know that he is in serious shit but hasn't told friends this because of that huge ego he has. He won't admit that he's been beaten this time. He is arrogant enough to think that when you 'come round' you'll realise your mistake and have him back. The longer you go without contact the more he will have to face the truth that actually, you might not want him back at all.

Pour your energies now into getting on with your life and sorting out your affairs. Keep your calendar full and busy, arrange to have a few friends over or get a babysitter and have a night out. Do the things you wouldn't normally do, because once you break out of that routine and try something completely different, you'll feel so much more liberated and his ego will take another huge knock when he realises that actually, you can still be happy and live your life without him.

Make a commitment to do something different every day. Whether it's to say hello to a stranger on the street or just to join your local library, these small things will all add up and boost your confidence. You deserve to be happy so make that your Lenten promise.

My H never understood the gravity.

I wavered for a long time. And even at the point when I told him that was it, it was over (18m post infidelity) he was shocked. I don't know if he just couldn't let himself believe that it could be over, but he never expected things to end. He really thought that I would continue to try.

That's exactly it, isn't it, Pfft.

The same arogant taking-for-granted of the ENTIRE relationship - like you're just THERE, like a parent or something - that same complacency that probably helped pave the way for the affair itself remained in place.

He honestly thought he could never possibly lose it all, so had an affair.

He honestly thought he could never possibly lose it all, so failed to understand that he could until it was too late.

That's the attitude of OP's DH. That's what I think is fatal here - his casual set of responses indicate just how meaningless he ultimately thinks her opinions, feelings, wants and needs are. He can't possibly imagine that she will take control of her own life and that the final decision won't be something rubber-stamped by him. It's there in what OP says in an earlier post - his generous 'If you want space I will give it to you, and when you let me back in...'

He honestly cannot imagine a situation where she, the woman, will actually be the decision-maker.

I would not want a life with a man like this, where it's a constant battle to simply have equal respect, autonomy in the relationship present as a given.

I agree, Crunch.