so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

thank you all. I want to text him so badly, I still have so many questions. But I really do feel if i don do this, then he wont realise what he is losing, if he hasnt lost it already. The magnitude, not just what he has done, but its more that way he has dealt with it all...

You may never get the answers you want though, there may be no reason for his actions other than pure selfishness. Sometimes you just have to accept that this is what has happened and knowing why won't make any difference whatsoever to the here and now. Our craving for some kind of closure can actually make us more vulnerable - I gave my mother so many chances because I wanted reasons why, I wanted explanations and felt I couldn't get closure without them. I now know that I was just giving her more chances to damage me time after time. Closure comes when you take control of a situation and start making those vital decisions. Once you are in the driving seat and they have to play by your rules, everything feels so much better.

Please do get some real life help from family and friends. You are a gutsy lady.

The thing to hold on to now Grey is that your actions (to date) are giving you options that you would not have otherwise.

OPTION ONE
So if you decide that you don't want to get back together, you have the option to not let him back and rather than go through the pain of getting him to leave (again) this part is already done.

OPTION TWO
You want to make a go of your marraige. This is the only way it can ever EVER happen with any level of remorse/respect. Anything less than him having to leave now, will not instill in him the fragility of your relationship.

Were you to start texting/calling now (and of course it's understandable that you want to), you may be swayed into letting him come home to 'sort things out'. Should this happen, and it doesn't work out, you will have to find the strength to separate all over again.

Should things seem to be going well, you can bet your last penny, that it will be temporary because he will have learned that he can have an affair and be pretty much forgiven in two days.

Honestly this is the only way.

You are being amazing by the way :)

Hold firm Grey, you are doing brilliantly!

Your husband's reactions have shown you that you're doing the right thing by making decisions for yourself. When he first told you about OW, he realised that you were so shocked, and so scared for the future, that he could force you to allow him to keep OW on the go while his home comforts and financial security remained intact.

Within hours of you taking control of your own life- telling family and friends, insisting he move out while you consider options-he slowly began to realise the consequences of his actions. So far though, he's only considered the impact on him and OW (she's devastated, he doesn't know how he'll manage)- nothing about the havoc he's wreaked on your life, and apparently no concern about how his actions have affected the children.

If he's serious about making the marriage work, he needs to be prove that he understands the enormity of his affair, and how it affects the whole family.

If you're desperate to text him, how about instead writing down a list of the things you want to say or ask? You can keep going back to it, edit the list to try to narrow down what's vital for you to know in order to move on, or what you want to see from him, or what you think are issues that need to be ironed out between you. Things are probably all jumbled up in your head and heart right now, and what you could do with is time to allow your thoughts to crystallize. Text communication is too rapid-fire to allow you to consider how the conversation is going.

Even if he has not completely lost you, I think its sensible to let him think that he has, for now.

He will now probably blame the OW for him losing you.

No, he didn't see this coming. But any sane person would have seen it as a possible consequence of his actions!!

A few days ago he thought he could stay at home with you, while continuing to see her. He thought that any 'choices' were his to make (ie whether he stayed or went) and you have removed the choices from him.

If you still love each other then only time will tell if you can both rebuild the marriage with trust and respect. But in the meantime you have done exactly the right thing to get him to realise how stupid he was and that you WILL NOT tolerate being treated like that.

So sorry you are having to deal with all this.

I think the list of things you can amend and prioritise is an excellent idea. Gives that slight space you need right now. Please don't feel alone. You have many admiring new friends here.

Its been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, without a doubt. Its also been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. When I wasn't in the driving seat so to speak I felt awful, shaky, sick, heart racing, when I keep getting a little more control I don't feel quite as bad as the above, its still there but no way as intense.

I do feel the outcome of this situation would have been totally different without the advice and support given (Charbon especially) I do love him dearly, but feel so betrayed, at the minute I am putting my heart aside and using (well trying to) use my head not my heart, as hard as that maybe. This thread has given me a sequence of events to follow and as I have followed each one I have felt a little better, and made him feel a little worse. I still don't think he realises just yet, that its totally his fault, and in the meantime I am having to deal with crappy texts from a neighbour offering help but then saying it was common knowledge the b*stards kick me when I'm down...

Anyway, so far so good I have managed to resist, I am wondering if it will get easier or harder as the hours go on. Must distract myself big time. Have amazing support from my friends & family who have refused to leave me alone day and night so far :)

writing a list is a fabulous idea thank you inertia

Have been following this thread for a bit, you're doing great - wtf did your neighbour say that for though?! Seems a bit thoughtless, if not spiteful.

Glad your friends & family are supporting you.

I would be tempted to text neighbor back saying

"thanks for the offer of help. Given that it was 'common knowledge' your offer of help has come a little late don't you think?"

But you've got bigger fish to fry and are doing such a great job.

I am glad your RL friends and family are there for you. Use them to help you resist contact when you are feeling vulnerable. Get one of them to nominate themselves as the person you call or text instead of him.

There will be times when you are so tempted to get in touch - just for contact/comfort/familiarity etc This is one of the things that is so cruel about affairs - people lose husbands/partners etc but also, potentially, their best friend.

Be strong

DH has always been quite a doting father and loving husband believe it or not, i think on the outside we've looked like the perfect little family, hence my neighbours spite in contrast with her family, she's always unhappy, moaning etc...I am quite a moan free, don't like drama just have fun and get on with it very easy going kind of person. How things (he) can change so quickly is beyond me

great reply slightlyjaded, i was (and have been) very tempted, but a good friend was with me at the time and kept me on the straight and narrow and said don't reply and open up a chance for her to text back and try and find out whats going on, so have just calmly deleted it.

Well done.

I am sure that there will be easier and harder days. But this limbo isn't forever and you just need to keep reminding yourself that you are aiming for the best outcome possible.

So either 'phone a friend' or come here when the urge takes you - especially if you've had a drink.

Don't worry about your neighbor being smug - People who take pleasure in other people's misery are generally more miserable and bitter than you and I speak from experience MIL

greyriver I'm so pleased your friends and family are gathered round you.

Sorry for the toxic comments from your neighbour, unfortunately some people thrive on gossip and other peoples misfortune. Steer clear of anyone who claims to have known, if they did and didn't tell you they are no friend of yours. Grr people like that make me

I think you may find some bits get easier while others get harder. Do keep posting on here though even when everything has calmed down a bit, that's probably when you'll feel yourself waver again after the initial adrenalin has worn off.
Stay strong you are doing so well x

Yuk, horrible neighbour offering "help" but really just looking for a soundbite of gossip to pass along urrgh

sorry had to change nappy mid post and suddenly saw jaded has said all this already (and better!)

Grey, you are one fabulous woman.

Lists are good. Writing things down is good, you don't even need to formulate a full thought, just jot down a word until you can work out what it represents and whether it's important or can be discarded. Writing a bit of a diary might help too.

Cunning fish don't rise to the bait, honey, and you're not stupid enough to let yourself be hooked by any of the seemingly good wishes that you'll inevitably receive from those who do not have your best interests at heart.

He needs to believe that he has lost you and he needs to realise that the only reason his world has come crashing down around his lying, deceitful, unfaithful head is because he caused it to do so.

Maintaining the silence and enforcing his absence from the marital home will enable him to come to the necessary conclusions a lot quicker than if he's able to come and go, bleat and plead, and generally given opportunity believe his own hype.

Before you can consider rebuilding your marriage, it needs to be stripped down to the bone and, in this respect, you've both got a lot of thinking to do of the type that can only be done alone and in private.

oh crap just ordered the bloody book book by shirley glass and it automatically paid for it on on dh's bloody account....ARGHHHHHH

now he will get the email showing him what i ordered

oh crap crap crap really really annoyed with myself

Don't be - that'll get him thinking and he may order one for himself

Really not a problem - he definitely should read that book if you decide that you want to give your marriage a chance. It is an excellent book.

agree with izzy, shows you're serious and not about to be messed around.

if he complains about paying for it then just say 'if you hadn't been fucking someone else then I wouldn't need this would i?'

He made the mess, he can pay whatever it takes

And if he chastises you for needing self help books then remind him that you had never envisaged being in this position so when they taught how to deal with it at school you bunked off that day

Maybe you should also order a book on your legal position when separating/divorcing

That will give him something to worry about.

And I know it's callous but he needs to be worried. I honestly don't think you can stress the fragility of your relationship / chances of reconciliation enough.

Actually i think the book title might sum up exactly what he has done and he might get the message that he's screwed up everything.