so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

Grey, whilst it's not nice to be the subject of discussion, your DH does need to speak to someone too - and hopefully this mutual friend will have a balanced ear and may give him some good advice.
It does seem that at the moment he thinks he has done all he needs in order for your reconciliation to be a matter of time. He has booted the OW into touch and has given you space - but it has not yet dawned on him that there may be more to this than you having time to lick your wounds.

I mentioned my parents before, my Dad was a serial adulterer but in the end it was my Mum who left him. Not after an affair or a row, but because she had finally come to the conclusion that she did not want to be with him. She took a hard look at her life and thought that she did not want it to be the same in 10 years time. I wish she had made that decision sooner though as living with my Dad had eroded her self confidence into the ground.
He didn't believe her and it took some time for him to accept she meant it. They have been divorced (and he is remarried) for many years, but only a few years ago he admitted to me that despite the affairs, he had never intended to leave and it hit him hard when she left.

Grey it appears that your husband isn't remorseful. He continues to disrespect you by discussing your private affairs.

Personally, the next time somebody 'helpfully' tries to pass on information I would stop them. A simple, I really don't want to know what he is doing or saying, will help you on two levels. Firstly, it will help remove the focus from him in your life. Secondly, it will clearly convey to him and his associates that you are not actually that bothered what he has to say because HE IS JUST NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

He will then be forced to re-examine his assumption that you are just going to take him back after you have cooled down.

Book an appointment with a solicitor.

Really take some space from this man.

Grey I can only give you advise from my own experience. As I mentioned before my H left for a month - for the first 2 weeks or so of that time we had no contact other than him visiting the children. He would often say ?When I come back ?? or ?We could do this in the summer? etc. He stayed at friends for the first week, then moved to his parents. It was only when he had to move back to his mums that the enormity of the situation hit home. Staying at friends is a temporary reaction, and he thought of it as such. He thought he would stay away for a few nights and then come home and we would sort it out. When he realised that wasn?t going to happen and he had to think of a more permanent solution, that?s when the penny dropped, as far as he was aware our marriage was over. It was only when he reached this point that he started doing things right?.right for me, not him.

We don?t know if he?s remorseful or not, but he does need to be able to talk about it, just as you do. Hopefully these friends will be telling him what an utter idiot he?s been and that?s another pin to the fantasy bubble he?s been living in.

I don?t know if this is you, but I was desperate for my H to be saying and doing the right things, so we could move on (looking for a miracle) He never thought he was going to get caught, he didn?t know how to put it right anymore than I did. The only thing I could cling to was the thought that we BOTH had to be certain that this was what we wanted and that takes time. You are less than a week into this. It?s heartbreakingly painful but you need to be strong and hold on. Let him see that your life can and will move on without him. The old cliché ?fake it till you make it? comes in to its own here!

Take care.

I too would maintain silence for the time being.

Write your lists, letters (but don't post them), diary, post here. Don't worry about what he's doing; focus on yourself now. You need time, you've had very little of it yet. The last thing you want to do is make a decision to hastily, and especially not if it turns out that really you made a decision because of what he is doing now. Forget that.

Incidentally, as Grey is sharing her thoughts and feelings here, why is he not allowed to share his elsewhere?

yes of course he should talk, I am just feeling very wobbly today. yesterday was an ok day, today not so great...hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better again

will keep remembering 'fake it until i make it!'

grey you're doing great I like the fake it til you make it mantra.

Oh Grey, that wasn't aimed at you...... you are doing so well, I'm sorry you're having a wobbly day, bound to happen, and it won't always be like that; you know that.

I'm sorry if I added to your woes.

Hi Grey, I have been following your thread and think you have had absolutely excellent advice, advice I should have taken when it happened to me. I was in too much shock to lay down the law and had my H flip flopping for two months why he decided if he wanted to be with me or OW, he choose OW! Anyway you are doing really well.

One thing I have wondered, when your H told you about OW did he go into much detail, I remember he said that he would answer any questions and help you as much as he can to help you get through this. But have you thought when you are going to sit down and ask all the questions you need to know? I can remember myself not wanting to ask any question as I thought that if we got back together I could ask the questions then, that never did happen so I was left in limbo never to know the answers to questions that I really wanted answers to. You need to write down all the questions you want answered and then work out when you are going to meet to get the answers, you cant make any decisions about your future without an explanation.

I am sorry if I am asking this question at the wrong time but its just something that has crossed my mind.

Good luck.

grey i wouldn't engage with him at all. yes there are questions you might want answered at some stage. but he has given you a lot to think about already with his obvious/visible-to-you behavior alone, let alone things he did behind you back.

imo you first need to take time to get your head VERY clear for yourself alone, THEN take time to judge his visible behaviour according to your newly-clear standards, and maybe thereafter, if you still want to bother with him, you can start thinking about what you would like to know about the affair.

don't focus too much on the affair's details, i feel that's a red herring. you'd give him too great an opportunity to manipulate and lie to you at a time when you aren't feeling clear-headed.

grey You will have up times and down times, you have had a terrible shock. I think it's important to concentrate on the bigger picture right now rather than the details. It's not about who did what, when, in minute detail. It's about really fundamental issues like love, trust and respect - for you and your DC, and whether you can see yourself being able to live with his attitude.

Don't worry too much about him talking to mutual friends - if they are friends of yours they will be seeking your side of the story too. When couples split, "mutual" friends tend to as well.

For the moment, I would maintain your dignity and not chase any big discussions with him. He is still so wrapped up in himself, I doubt there's any point. At best if you want to do something quite soon, insist on going to Relate, or some kind of joint counselling.

Give yourself a break. Even though you may be seething with questions, throw yourself into research about your finances. Make lists, do some research online about divorce and what you can expect. This is a good, general place to start.

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_family/family_index_ew/ending_a_marriage.htm

Knowledge is power, and if you equip yourself with the knowledge you need you'll be in a better position to decide what's best for your future.

I don't think there's any chance of a reconciliation while he is still full of self-pity and blaming you for his behaviour.

Give yourself a break.

the advice is all excellent, and going through it myself, I know that it's also really hard to stick to sometimes... I don't have anything very helpful to add really other than keep your head held high and you will be ok, I'm not sure how I'm doing it so far but every day it hurts a little less. In time you will be shocked at how well you are coping, in the beginning it feels like you'll never get over it but you will. I'm 2 months down the line from discovering OW, cutting all contact other than about the DC has really helped. It's given me time to make decisions just based on what's right for me, DS and bump. you are doing the absolute right thing by giving yourself a chance to be in charge - we're all cheering you on :)

Another vote for maintaining radio silence. Hang in there.

How are you today Grey x

Morning Grey. How are you doing?

Hope you're ok. Remember, you can take this at your own pace. You can take the phone off the hook and just disengage for a few days, you can go away with the kids, you can do whatever you like - there's no clock ticking. You don't have to make ANY decision until you want to and feel ready to.

Take as much time as you need, including time to just sit there in shock.

More time spent giving YOURSELF the time you need to just get used to all the shocks and start processing things = fewer hasty bad decisions.

Grey, you're doing really well. You are entitled to wobble - and wobble you will. You will also have good days, crap days, laughter filled days. At the moment your whole life has been turned on its axis and destroyed by your husband's betrayal - and you must remember that. I'm not a bitter and twisted ex-cheating husband wife out to get every man (or woman) who cheats, just trying to put things in persective.

Our trouble, when my ex confessed to me of his affair, is that we had too many people offering their advice - people who had never been in the situation or remotely involved in it - and you do tend to grasp every piece of comfort, advice, information.

There is no Guide Book to "how to cope with a cheating spouse" - and everyone deals with things differently.

Same as there's no Guide Book on how to recover from it.

Your DH sounds just like mine - aware that he's done something really awful, but "she'll get over it" and everything will be ok .

Mine disappeared off to his sisters at my request - we made another go of it and had a hellish 7 weeks together trying to (pretend perhaps) that eveything was going to be ok and our marriage would be better for it. Then I found him at it still and he had to sling his hook rather rapidly.

His OW had no interest in him once he'd left his wife (and in his words everything and everyone else he loved to be with her - ie his daughter, friends, home etc) so he permanently moved in to his sisters. And he's still there 2.5 years later. Karma, my friend, karma.

You must ask yourself - what do you want? If you can truthfully answer that (if your head's working right, mine certainly wasn't) - then you have the basis for YOUR future.

{{{hugs}}}

Romney - I often think of you.

How are you, my lovely?

xx

Thanks Life, I am always here lurking on this type of thread, I think I am almost fully recovered, exH came last week to collect the last of his possessions, it was the first time I had seen or spoken to him in 14 months and I was really dreading seeing him as I still felt I loved, had feeling and missed him, but it really did me good seeing him. He was so skinny which had really aged him.

He is still with OW 26 years his junior, they seem to making a go of it even if he is living our retirement plans with her on a farm in wales. But as everyone always said, time is the healer and I wished my life away for so long but no more, Im not going to waste anymore time or thoughts on a lying, deceitful cheating man. Onwards and upwards. Thats really sweet Life that you have thought about me often, I always read your advice which is spot on as always.

I know my thoughts on the questions and answers didnt go down well and Im sorry for that, but I suppose I never got the answers as to why which has made my recovery so much more lengthy. I dont agree that the whys and wherefores dont matter, they do, as if you dont get some answers you will forever mull over these questions in your mind. Maybe its just me and maybe Im just abnormal in my need for this knowledge.

thank you all for your messages, didnt have a very good morning, then wa ok and now waivering again....

up and down like a yoyo to be honest.

only contact re DC,

grey have you planned something nice for the weekend? Can you take DC somewhere nice or go out with your sister or friends etc? You need some support, someone to give you a hug when you wobble xxxx

Wobbling is normal when you're going through something as awful as this. Hope you can organise some nice outings/visits at the weekend.

Don't forget, his decisions are not your fault.

The first weekend is the worst... change your routine and try to keep busy so that you're not unduly brought down by memories of 'how good it was this time last week' etc.

The fact that it is the first weekend that he'll have spent outside the marital home since his confession will impact on him too, and you should be prepared for him to make a concerted effort to get back in your good books/the house over the next couple of days. .

Just remember that the next 48 hours are merely 2 days out of the rest of your life and that, if you are to be able to rebuild your marriage, you need to make absolutely certain that he's learned his lesson the hard way.

Remember the saying 'cruel to be kind'? If you want to have any chance of being able to trust and respect him again, you're best advised to be stony faced and heartless for the foreseeable future.

oh grey It is perfectly natural to have good and bad days, its like waves, rising and falling.

Try to do something nice this weekend and if he is seeing the children then try to do some fun things with friends.