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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot believe what dp has just asked me

182 replies

nutcracker · 25/01/2006 13:51

Howcome, I won't wear thongs for him but wore one to work the other night ?

For christ sakes, so now he is checking what knickers I wore to work

I wear what ever bloody knickers I pull out of the drawer, I don't save certain ones for certain people, for christs sake.

He obviously thinks I have a quick fumble in the broom cupboard or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:13

wear not where

OP posts:
tiredemma · 27/01/2006 11:14

i knew what you meant! has he made any more ridiculous comments about what you are wearing to work? and most importantly are you going out with your mate?

Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:16

Am still waiting for my friend to get back to me, we keep missing each other.

He hasn't made any more comments about what I wear to work no.

Oh actually hang on, i brought a new lippy and he asked me if i'd brought it to wear to work.

OP posts:
lou33 · 27/01/2006 11:24

Nutty, this has been a recurrent theme in your relationship for so long, i think in a way you are used to it, and are scared of doing anything about it, therefore use mn as a way to vent. But imo, there comes a time when you have to do something about it, or say nothing, iyswim, and i think you are at that point right now. This is not an attack on you at all, i'm just saying you have to make a decision about how you want your life to be from now on in, and take the first step to realising that. Eventually, if you do nothing about it, you are condoning his behaviour. Do what you think will make you happy. x

Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:27

It's not that easy though is it. What would make me happy won't make him hapy, or the kids happy, so thats selfish and I went through my parents completely shite marriage break up and don't want to do the same to my kids.

If i was completely honest about how I feel about him, and our relationship, you would all be shocked honestly.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 27/01/2006 11:27

in a sarcastic way?

I cant offer any real advice nutty, only you know where you can go from here. tbh, i dont think he will ever change and as long as he is miserable, he wants you to be miserable to.

have you thought about contacting Womens Aid? not for refuge obviously, but for support and advice ( a chat) basically. because although he isnt physically abusing you, he is fucking you up mentally- and that is abuse.

Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:30

Sarcastic ?? which bit, confused now LOL

I am not scared of being on my own, and I am not scared of being without him, but I am scared that he will make the break up harder than it needs to be for me and mainly for the kids.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 27/01/2006 11:31

be honest nutty, what so wrong with telling us how you really feel?

i dont think we will be shocked, i can detect an undertone and its quite clear really. dont beat yourself up, he is making you unhappy.

lou33 · 27/01/2006 11:31

it's never easy, do you think it was easy for me?

we have to make hard choices sometimes

tiredemma · 27/01/2006 11:31

sarcastic about the lipstick

Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:38

No i know it's not easy I didn't mean it was easy for anyone.

Ok, more often than not he makes me feel like i wish i'd never met him. He is selfish, rude, racist, sizeist (all the ists you can think of), and obsessed with sex.

I cannot ever have a normal conversation with him because he makes sexual comments from nothing, words i say, numbers, situations etc etc. I can't bend over without him grabbing me, or making vulgar comments. He makes me feel like such a slapper it's untrue.
I stopped giving him affection long ago because he can't leave it at that. I haven't had a full nights sleep in years because he wakes me up at least once and night to try it on.

I am what everyone said I was to him when we first met, a trophy. Whatever is wrong in his life he can always turn round and say he's got me, a woman half his age etc etc and thats all that matters to him.

The day I met him was the day my life pretty much ended. I never even fancied him he was just there and was having a bad time of it and got swept along in someone being there for me.

Now i wish he was dead.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:41

Last bit is pretty awful and unforgivable really.

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Dinosaur · 27/01/2006 11:42

nutty my heart really goes out to you.

MeerkatsUnite · 27/01/2006 11:42

Nutty,

I honestly think you feel you are in a large hole and you can't see a way out. You have become used to his behaviour.

"What would make me happy won't make him happy, or the kids happy, so thats selfish".

How are you being selfish here?. You are putting yourself way down the list in the pecking order aren't you?. This is indicative of where you are placing yourself.

I personally don't think that any woman could make this man "happy". He needs to sort out his own issues with control and from what you have written he is not willing to address this.

What would make you happy ultimately is to leave him isn't it?.

Your children would rather see a happy and confident mummy in their midst rather than someone who is walking on eggshells all the time. He has potential to cause you great emotional harm which will take you years to recover from if you recover fully from this. Your children are picking up on all this crap behaviour of his and will learn from this; they are very perceptive.

It is okay to make a mistake and you met him I understand at quite a young age. I see that your parents marriage broke up acrimoniously. This has caused you (and I would argue still does) a lot of emotional anguish but being in the situation you are not in does not mean to say your children will somehow not be emotionally damaged or suffer anguish by the experience of seeing their Mum controlled. This can become a generational problem.

You are being abused.

MeerkatsUnite · 27/01/2006 11:47

"The day I met him was the day my life pretty much ended"

(((((((((((((((((((Nutty))))))))))))))))))))))))

You do not have to answer this of course but am wondering if you met him soon after your parents marriage ended. You were vulnerable (not your fault) and he took advantage.

Your life can start again if you are strong enough within yourself to make plans to leave him.

He does not deserve you in any way shape or form.

MeerkatsUnite · 27/01/2006 11:49

"The day I met him was the day my life pretty much ended"

(((((((((((((((((((Nutty))))))))))))))))))))))))

You do not have to answer this of course but am wondering if you met him soon after your parents marriage ended. You were vulnerable (not your fault) and he took advantage.

Your life can start again if you are strong enough within yourself to make plans to leave him.

He does not deserve you in any way shape or form.

amanda1 · 27/01/2006 11:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:55

My parents split up when I was about 11. I met him when i was 18, but I had just left college with nothing to show for it, had no job, was half way towards and eating disorder and was bored and fed up.

I met him and moved in with him 2 weeks later. I even nearly ruined my relationship with my dad to do so, which is just mad thinking about it now.

OP posts:
cod · 27/01/2006 11:57

Message withdrawn

tiredemma · 27/01/2006 11:59

nutty, i didnt realise he was such a horror to live with, and i really really feel for you.

i can only re-iterate what meerkat has said. he is abusing you, is your life really going to be so much worse without him in it?

do you want your kids to grow up seeing you so utterly depressed? of course it will be hard for them at first to come to terms with it, but sometimes nutty, you have got to put yourself first. this is one of those times.

Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:59

Good point

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 27/01/2006 12:01

I know, i am just so used to not putting me first it's hard.

I'd have to give up my job too which although it is a pain in the ass, gives me a break from the kids and I have a good laugh while i'm there too.

LOL never thought i'd not want to give up a job.

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 27/01/2006 12:04

Cod

You are braver than me, I thought it.

tiredemma · 27/01/2006 12:05

nutty, you need a break from HIM more than anything, never mind the kids.

when does H start school? you could get pt work then.

dont let him ruin the rest of your life nutty, you are far to young, pretty, clever to live the life he wants you to live. ( old, miserable, trapped)

mancmum · 27/01/2006 12:05

the one line that sticks out here for me is when you say his ex wife had a lucky escape -- why don;t you deserve that as well?