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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cannot believe what dp has just asked me

182 replies

nutcracker · 25/01/2006 13:51

Howcome, I won't wear thongs for him but wore one to work the other night ?

For christ sakes, so now he is checking what knickers I wore to work

I wear what ever bloody knickers I pull out of the drawer, I don't save certain ones for certain people, for christs sake.

He obviously thinks I have a quick fumble in the broom cupboard or something.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 11:13

Yeah you are right.

I can't do it though, I just can't.

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 26/01/2006 11:17

Nutty

You are oh so wrong. You can do this and one day you will do so.

The only person stopping you from leaving ultimately is you. I'm not for one minute suggesting you up sticks and go today - you need to plan your strategy for leaving and for that you need your friends and family to support you. Women's Aid are helpful and may also be able to offer advice.

I know of three women in my circle of real life friends who have controlling men for husbands. Two are in the process of leaving and the third is attending marriage guidance.

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 11:20

I couldn't leave though, he'd have to leave and he wouldn't.

OP posts:

Bumbled · 26/01/2006 11:30

I might be missing something here, but why would it have to be him?

Could you finish it, and get him to leave the home?

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 11:32

Because I am the one that fought like mad to get us this house. He is the one that made me have to fight like hell for this house. He does sod all to it, me and my mom do it all, and plus if I left they would probably make him move out of it anyway cos it's a 4 bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 11:32

He wouldn't leave.

OP posts:

Bumbled · 26/01/2006 11:36

I know this is all speculative, and I hate the thought of encouraging anyone to split up, but if it came to it, what about changing the locks? I know it's really harsh, but you sound SO trapped, it seems so unfair...

A plan might help you deal with what you're going through, if you knew of a way out if things ever got to that stage.

colditz · 26/01/2006 11:36

NC I know where you are coming from with the 'won't leave'.

I really think an option would be to ignore him whenever he moans at you about doing things, and do it anyway. And always have a backup plan so he can't stop you doing things by his absence.

I had to desensitise my dp about me going out on the piss without him - by going. And going. And going. And the top thing? I got that too, a while ago but not recently. I took his comments on board, agreed it was rather low, and then put on my coat, and left the house wearing it. He can't moan at you if you're not there to listen to it.

colditz · 26/01/2006 11:40

I also used to get sulky "Other men will look at you" comments. Calling "Don't be so bloody absurd!" as I walked out of the door stopped those.

cutekids · 26/01/2006 11:41

sounds like someone i used to live. trouble is, a man who's jealous of his woman is a very insecure man. does he not have any mates of his own that he can go out with? at least if he went out-maybe just once a week to start with-he might not feel so insecure when you arrange to do the same. however, if he carries on like this you'd be well advised to give him the push. sorry for the harsh words -i'm no expert on this matter either-but from having "been there" myself, you really need to take control before he completely takes over you.

cutekids · 26/01/2006 11:43

lou33 · 26/01/2006 12:04

seriously nutty, why are you still with him?

how can your life be any worse in the long run without him?

wannaBe1974 · 26/01/2006 12:06

Nutcracker I would sit down with your DH and have a long talk with him about how you feel, maybe in a counselling situation where you can talk to each other with a third person present so it doesn?t erupt into a row. This behaviour is very controlling and is unacceptable, but it is born out of a bad experience from his past, and while that doesn?t make it right, insecurity as a result of previous deception is common, and almost understandable thing. I know that if my DH left me for another woman, having gone from never going out to suddenly going out once a week or whatever, I would find it hard to trust another man again, I would like to hope I wouldn?t act in such an extreme manner but sometimes these things can happen without even realizing it. How long have you two been together? Do you still love him? And were you the first relationship he had had after his wife left him? I would tell him that you do understand why he is so insecure but that you are not his ex wife, in the years that you have been together you haven?t cheated on him and while things are good between you two you wouldn?t feel the need to ever cheat on him. But the way he treats you with all the mistrust that he seems to display is almost driving you away from him, the less he trusts you, the more likely it is that you would go out and meet someone else who can treat you in a way you deserve to be treated. Tell him that when you go out dressed nicely, you don?t do it for him or for any other man you might pick up along the way, you do it for yourself, because looking nice makes you feel good about yourself, and that you do not have to justify to anyone what you choose to wear.

chalkie · 26/01/2006 12:37

After 10 years with my DH third baby in 6 weeks time I would be amazed if he even looked at my underwear. I would laugh if he did especially if he thought it was for some one else. I would be quite flattered. I think a bit of concern on their part that they have possible challengers to your affections keeps them on their toes. My DH always say an affair on my part won't make him end our relationship I have always said I'd go. I?m not good at sharing. Has no one explained to your DH that a thong stops VPL. Sounds like you need some time together and a laugh and that?s always a good idea anyway. Nice to think he worries may be you are top of his list.

MeerkatsUnite · 26/01/2006 12:51

"Nice to think he worries may be you are top of his list".

Good heavens me, no!. He alone is top of his list, anyone else comes a distant second.

This is not benign concern in any way shape or form; this is controlling behaviour.

jobyjo · 26/01/2006 13:57

I have a fella who queries my underwear and perfume...not flattered just think he's a bloody idiot.

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 21:30

Hi again

You know i'm not actually sure what to post, my head is such a mess right now.

Have read the latest posts though, thanks for the advice, I am listening to it, just not sure what to do with it iykwim.

OP posts:

tiredemma · 26/01/2006 21:47

you ok nutty???

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 21:55

Hiya, I'm ok ta, just sat here pondering things and browsing the threads.

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tiredemma · 26/01/2006 21:56

im just about to go home ( at work)

hope you are ok though. dont ponder too much.

Original poster

nutcracker · 26/01/2006 21:56

Yeah i'm fine ta, for asking xxx

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tiredemma · 26/01/2006 21:57

ok, goodnight then, im off now

take care mate.

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/01/2006 10:35

Morning, still here still pondering.

Dp is still being an arse, moaned about what pj's I wore to bed last night.

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tiredemma · 27/01/2006 11:09

nutty, really. what is wrong with him?? and what was wrong with your pj's for christs sake?

Original poster

nutcracker · 27/01/2006 11:11

They cover me up to much i think was his complaint.

I sometimes where my pj's 2 nights in a row, but he has been known to put a pair in the wash that I know he doesn't like and he'll say he is just tidying up.

OP posts:

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