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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot believe what dp has just asked me

182 replies

nutcracker · 25/01/2006 13:51

Howcome, I won't wear thongs for him but wore one to work the other night ?

For christ sakes, so now he is checking what knickers I wore to work

I wear what ever bloody knickers I pull out of the drawer, I don't save certain ones for certain people, for christs sake.

He obviously thinks I have a quick fumble in the broom cupboard or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:14

Sorry carla only just realised what you meant

OP posts:
carla · 25/01/2006 14:14

Message deleted

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:15

It is all getting rather strange isn't it.

He is getting worse.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 25/01/2006 14:15

Nutty,

Its not looking at all good for you because such behaviours can esaclate and you could eventually become a prisoner in your own home, him having successfully isolated you from the outside world. He was controlling with his ex-wife (his ex-wife left him most likely because of his controlling ways) and now he's controlling you.

All the behaviours you describe - doesn't like you going out, doesn't like you wearing anything other than granny drawers, doesn't like you working with other men are all controlling behaviours.

Controlling people are by their very nature very plausible, it is no surprise at all to read that initially you thought this was sweet. It is not your fault that you were taken in; the thing for you to sort out is how you are going to deal with him. Starkly put you have two choices - put up with it or make plans to ultimately leave him. He will not change; there is no will on his part to change and he has told you that he doesn't have a problem.

Would suggest you read, "Why does he act like that" by Lundy Bancroft.

Freckle · 25/01/2006 14:17

Nutty, are you sure he hasn't been reading your posts on here? Maybe he's been reading about this 19 yo at work and is putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 69 .

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:17

Thing is, I was 18 when I met him and quite nieve (sp?), and so it was nice, I felt secure etc, but now, I feel trapped.

We get on mostly ok, it's just there is always something under the surface I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:18

He knows about the 19 yr old yeah, but not all of it.

I don't think he has been reading my posts though, i'd certainly know if he'd read the one about D.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:18

Only just got that freckle LOL

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 25/01/2006 14:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:23

He has just seen the top I was watching on ebay and said 'ffs, gonna have your tits hanging out then'.

Honestly it was just a black top, not even that low cut or anything.

I said 'it would be ok if i wore it out with you though wouldn't it., and he said yeah but you don't though, it's jeans and a jumper when we go out'.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 25/01/2006 14:24

Nutty

I see you met him when you were 18. As I said before controlling men are by their very nature very plausible. I reckon he wanted to do everything for you when you first met - y'know pick you up from work etc.

You know this is not a healthy relationship to be in; you have doubts and you are right to be doubtful. I would carefully consider your future with this man because the way its going you have no real future primarily because he cannot or will not address his issues re control. Controlling behaviours are another form of abuse.

colditz · 25/01/2006 14:25

Right, this has to stop. I think you need to have a proper row about this, in which you point out that if a top is ok to go out in whit him, it is ok to go out in without him, and about how it is not your wifely duty to make yourself physically unattractive when you leave the house alone, and about how his behavior is just plain weird!

littlemissbossy · 25/01/2006 14:25

Nutty, my dh once asked me why I once went out without underwear - knickers. The real reason was I had off white trousers on and whatever I had worn, would have shown. My response to him was "I did have some on but had to take them off when I sha**ed a bloke I met in the restaurant toilets that soon shut him up LOL

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:26

Looking back it was an unhealthy relationship right from the start but I couldn't see it.

The first night I slept at his, he stayed awake and watched me sleep, which I find awful and obsessive.

He also tells people he worships the ground I walk on. I also find that awful.

His ex wife had a lucky escape i think.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:27

We've had that row Colditz, over and over but he just can't see it.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 25/01/2006 14:27

Nutty,

The item of clothing and his response to same are yet another example of his controlling and insecure ways.

He is so bad for you - he will ultimately destroy any remnants of self esteem or worth you have left. Then you really will be up a creek without a paddle.

I would seriously get support for yourself from family and friends and make definative plans to leave him.

However, the decision is ultimately yours. What do you want?. You want him to change? - he has told you he has no problem.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2006 14:28

Have to go now, have dd2's parents meeting.

Will let you know if he checks my choice of underwear for work tonight

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 25/01/2006 14:33

Message withdrawn

carla · 25/01/2006 14:33

Message deleted

colditz · 25/01/2006 14:36

This may be a very ill advised course of action, but this is what I would do.

I would change my behavior so that it was what he didn't want to see. If he says a top is too low, i would make sure I wore it. If he objected to me talking to men, I would get a job as a barmaid. I would replace all my underwear with lace thongs. I would definately go out once a week without him.

It propbably wouldn't acheive anything and maybe isn't the best thing to do, but I just don't think I could help myself, I am that sort of girl.

MeerkatsUnite · 25/01/2006 14:40

Nutty

I can see the smile at the end of your posting but this is in no way something you can laugh about. He's been deadly serious here - he will do everything in his power to isolate you even further than you are now. As it is he doesn't like you going out without him.

Where will it end?. He may become physically violent towards you, he's already being verbally abusive.

Control is all about power. He wants ultimate power over you. Its a form of abuse - you need to realise that.

Original poster
nutcracker · 26/01/2006 09:40

I know you are all right, but I can't do anything, I don't have the strength, and feel selfish getting rid of him just because I don't want him, what about the kids.

OP posts:
amanda1 · 26/01/2006 09:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nutcracker · 26/01/2006 09:54

I just have to say that he doesn't have control over the majority of my life.

Financially for example I have control as he is crap with money. Plus he doesn't actually physically stop me from going out, he just moans alot about it.

It's just this jealousy thing, which seems to be getting worse not better.

I am starting to feel now like he is going to be checking what i'm wearing every day now or something.

Mind you I am similar to colditz, as the more he pushes it the more I will deliberatly wear things he doesn't like, etc.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 26/01/2006 10:51

Hi Nutty

Re your comments:-
"I just have to say that he doesn't have control over the majority of my life".

So that makes it all okay does it?. Do not delude yourself here - he has a lot of control over a large part of it and is certainly not afraid to put you in your place.

Financially for example I have control as he is crap with money. Plus he doesn't actually physically stop me from going out, he just moans alot about it.

He's also crap with money you say. Anything actually good about this person?. He moans about you going out, his moaning is enough to stop you. You get it all the time from him. What you are writing here in this part of your paragraph
comes across as making excuses for him.

"It's just this jealousy thing, which seems to be getting worse not better".

Jealousy and low self esteem are inextricably linked. You need to be aware of this fact. Unless he is willing and or able to tackle this then he will not change. He has admitted as much to you that he sees no problem with his behaviour.

"I am starting to feel now like he is going to be checking what i'm wearing every day now or something".

This is controlling behaviour all over. He will do this (this is what such people do) and it can only get worse for you. Do not stay just for the sake of the children; they will be emotionally harmed by such behaviour if you show them that it is okay for their Mummy to be treated like rubbish. Your children would rather see you as a happy and confident person rather than someone seemingly afraid of their own shadow due to excessive controlling behaviour by their partner.

You deserve far better than he, perhaps one day you will be brave enough to make a complete break from him. The only person that is stopping you from leaving is you. You can and do have the strength within you if you reach out and take a chance.