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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
PeptoAbysmol · 14/02/2012 10:39

Sorry you were dumped, but it seems like a lucky escape to me

mrspnut · 14/02/2012 10:40

TBH he sounds like a jealous controlling knobber and you are better off out of the whole situation.

What he's hoping for now is that you beg him to come back and promise to do all the things that he wants so you can be together.
Even if you didn't work away and spent every minute of every day with him, he'd still find a way to accuse you of sleeping with someone else. Men with control issues always do.

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 10:42

Bloody hell, think yourself lucky. And get ready to stand firm, actually, because you are not actually 'dumped', he is playing a game. This fucker is going to be back on your doorstep, quite possibly by tonight, to tell you that you have been punished for your badness and as long as you grovel hard enough you will be forgiven.
Tell him to fuck right off and that if he ever contacts you again you will call the police. This is classic abusive behaviour and if you don't get rid of him now he will escalate to the point of physical violence.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 10:43

Do use the getaway card he has given you and don't go back when he changes his mind.

Seriously.

He is just trying to control you.

themildmanneredjanitor · 14/02/2012 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xkittyx · 14/02/2012 10:46

OMG he sounds like a knobber at best and potentially quite scary at worst. Please don't get back together with him. He's just trying to scare and manipulate you into modifying your behaviour even more to please him. And I suspect he'll never be pleased no matter when you do.

akaemmafrost · 14/02/2012 10:46

He sounds like a needy, whiney, controlling Drama Queen and from what you say I wouldn't put it past him to have done this today on purpose.

It's clear that nothing you do could ever be right because he is a controlling twunt who wants you on the back foot all the time. If it wasn't this it would have been something else.

Me? I wouldn't even return his calls or texts, let him stew, it's hard but he wants you crying and begging, I promise you he does, I know of what I speak.

It may not feel like it now but you have had a lucky escape. If someone loved you they could not behave like this, it really is that simple or to clarify if his love for you was stronger than his need to control you he could not behave like this.

IWishIKnew · 14/02/2012 10:47

You have had a lucky escape.

Do not take him back.

He sounds unstable. He's "addicted" to you one minute and jealous of a bloody card the next.

As said already RUN.

EirikurNoromaour · 14/02/2012 10:48

You have had a lucky escape. so many red flags

He gave you hassle after one month of dating
He says he is 'addicted to you'
He is controlling
He is jealous
He expects you to change your working patterns for his comfort
He doesn't like you to be independent
He punishes you for 'transgressions' by threatening to leave you

Seriously love, he is a nightmare. no good points on earth can make up for this catalogue of fuckwittery. Please breathe a sigh of relief, get your key back and go back to your lovely independent life.

akaemmafrost · 14/02/2012 10:48

In fact everything that SGB said. You are not dumped at all, he is just starring in his own little drama, crapping all over you in the process.

lucidlady · 14/02/2012 10:49

He sounds like an arse. You're well rid.

Gigondas · 14/02/2012 10:49

What sgb and others said. He isn't just giving out red flags , he has cones, warning lights and police directing traffic away from him.

I would enjoy cake/champagne yourself

GeekCool · 14/02/2012 10:50

Hi OP

I'm sorry you are so upset and what a horrible thing to happen when you've been so looking forward to the day. I think you should take a few moments then re-read your OP. In your OP lies the key. It's littered with references of him not trusting you, twisting your round and round and you trying to make changes to yourself.

You may not want to hear this right now, but potentially you've had a lucky escape, before things go further.

KnickerlessCackleby · 14/02/2012 10:50

OP, please, you are going to let him "take you back" this time aRE you? He has already done this once, don't let him do it again.

You will feel better soon, but I am sorry to hear of your pain.

nalubeadsgirl · 14/02/2012 10:50

Lucky escape. Gosh, it's only when I read posts like this that I realise what a lovely lovely man I have.

Please, don't settle for this loser. There ARE decent men out there who don't play games. When you meet the right one, you'll wonder what the bloody hell you were even thinking. ( I know I did!)

solidbrass is speaking so much sense - that's EXACTLY what he is doing.

KnickerlessCackleby · 14/02/2012 10:51

And ditto what all the others before me said.

caramelwaffle · 14/02/2012 10:52

SolidGold is spot on. Take care.

As for the presents; if they are not edible/too personal, re wrap them and put them aside for a male relative for a birthday/Christmas, or ebay them, or donate them to a charity.

pictish · 14/02/2012 10:52

My GOD have you had a lucky escape!!!

He's a shit. A controlling, obsessive, posessive shit.

Good riddance!

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 14/02/2012 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

treadwarily · 14/02/2012 10:57

What a dick. You could have had a lovely evening but no, he had to ruin it. I suspect that even if you got through this hitch, there would be many more tantrums and hitches ahead owing to his massive insecurity and need to control.

Are you living together? Is it hard to leave? (physically) Because I think it's time to move on from him. His jealousy issues are causing huge problems and they won't get better on their own.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 10:58

Actually, I wouldn't answer much.

If anything, just OK.

CupOfBrownJoy · 14/02/2012 10:58

He sounds like a knob.

Eat your Valentine's chocolates yourself, drink the champagne yourself in front of your favourite film, wearing your pj's, and thank god that you're not with such a prize dickhead any longer....

Nagoo · 14/02/2012 10:59

Only if in the photo was a picture of your chocolatey smiling chops and your middle finger Wink

really, you are well out of it from the post you have written, SGB is right, he'll be back.

scottishmummy · 14/02/2012 11:01

he sounds ghastly and manipulative
lucky escape for you
so get some DVD to watch, nice snacks, squirt fave perfume, and enjoy yourself

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 11:02

wow! he's not worth this sort of hassle.

You'll be feeling rough right now but this is a golden opportunity to run for the hills.