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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 15:08

Dear all.
Thank u for your words. I left work early claiming a cold as I kept crying. My face was so red it was getting ridiculous. I am ok on the whole and I will be ok. I will miss him but I feel relieved that I can be free to get on with my week and relax. I've had a little reflect on the relationship and who ever said I was always on the back foot was so right. I could always sense something was wrong as he would get a bit sarcastic and distant whilst every other time he would be all over me. I would always be guessing what frame of mind he was in.
I do think I may have esteem issues. What steps do u take to recover a flattened esteem?
When I look at our lives there were other things. He has a few friends but no one who lived near or called over. He then had a major falling out with some of them and they were all distant friends. He would say my friends all had issues. He had just started talking to his parents after 7 years of not speaking to them. He always wanted to spend a night with me rather than go out with his friend.
I think what was doing my head in was he was wonderful company, attentive, hard working etc.
Ive got to focus my mind on the controlling aspects rather than get rose tint syndrome. It's hard.
Lol. I can be a div btw. Plus I have 1 child who is 18 not 0 and he is pretty independent. Why i put 0 is anyone's guess.

OP posts:
bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 15:15

WannaBe
The most valuable thing he has is my ghd's. He helped me de clutter my boot and there is a large Finnish sign in his garage. He can keep that. How apt! Loads of clothes but nothing I cant replace. It's a horrible feeling as I want to communicate with him one minute and not the next. He sent a text earlier saying I was the only one he has loved but I have taken the piss. This is the bit I find so upsetting as i don't take advantage of people. But who cares what he thinks. Irrelevent.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 14/02/2012 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 14/02/2012 15:29

OP listen...he wants you accept blame and apologise then scuttle around trying to keep him happy. He is professing this love for you, so you will be tricked into thinking it's you that has done wrong. You haven't!
How have you 'taken the piss'?

Also when he said ""well fuck you u and the best of luck because you are going to need it the way you treat people"

He is determined you will accept the blame isn't he? Determined! He's pretty pissed off that you haven't anyway!

And this is all over the fact that you wrote a card to your friend before getting round to his valentine!!

He. Is. Crazy!

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 15:37

Essentially it's over a few things. He said I don't tell him everything and when I do I tell him too much. Everyone is so right when they say whatever I do will never be enough in his eyes. I haven't knowingly taken advantage. I stay at his house a lot as he works later than me but I always make dinner, get food, drive if we go out in the evening etc. maybe I wasn't so wonderful every day but I wasn't taking advantage.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/02/2012 15:40

I'm sure you weren't.

You are right you know...no matter WHAT you do, it will never ever be enough for this entitled, demanding, controlling man.

He will drain you dry and still shout for more.

SnapesMistress · 14/02/2012 15:49

Everyone is right, I'm so glad you posted here OP since it is so easy to get sucked in by these type of people. How wonderful to have so many people shouting from your corner.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 15:59

On the card issue, how would he possibly know if you had/done a card or not? I always did mine out of OH's sight.

I'd possibly get my stuff, plus take his or leave by the door, then definitely block his number from my phone, or change phone number.
The good thing about not having children together.

Archemedes · 14/02/2012 16:02

All really good advice here '

he has some serious issues you've had a lucky escape.

oldwomaninashoe · 14/02/2012 16:15

Well how dare you make him dump you on Valentines day Shock
when he had it all planned for Friday Shock
Is he for real???

Give it a few days to lick your wounds and you will seriously realise how you are well out of it!

You do realise he was going to dump you Friday because you were working Saturday Wink

albertswearingen · 14/02/2012 16:15

He sounds like a total knob with multiple ishoos.
You are soooo much better off without him.
What arse dumps someone on Valentines Day- it's just unneccessary and cruel.

scarletforya · 14/02/2012 16:20

OP, you've dodged a bullet there.

He's not right in the head I'm afraid. Not sure what to do about your stuff. Ideally get someone to go around with you and get it all.

Then cut contact. Block his texts/calls everything. He's bad news.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 16:24

What arse dumps someone on Valentines Day- it's just unneccessary and cruel.

Actually better than swearing undying love on Valentine's day (getting a shag) and dumping on Friday. Wink

Or he was hoping for "make up" sex this evening.

Love it when their shit spectacularly backfires.

RabidEchidna · 14/02/2012 16:45

Woman on the way home stop at Tesco get yourself a box of chocolates and a bottle of bubbly and go home and toast getting this nut job out of your life

Wrongbow · 14/02/2012 16:51

"He said I don't tell him everything and when I do I tell him too much."

Is it me or does this make NO sense? Hmm

amdowntoearth · 14/02/2012 17:02

he sound controlling and u r better off without him.Be strong

KatieScarlett2833 · 14/02/2012 17:07

A unanimous "Dump Him" on Relationships.

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2012 18:20

He's really awful! I'm sure he could make you feel good at times, but if you were treading on eggshells, you're well out of it.

He is upping the ante with these texts, isn't he? If I were you I'd send him a text saying, "Please stop texting me. The relationship is over" and then block him.

Tell him you want him to bring your things into work, if you work together. If you don't feel you can do that, take a friend with you straight from work, so that he doesn't have time to have a drink and get maudlin.

Yes, you are supposed to be begging forgiveness for your sins, even though you don't know what they are. You are in the wrong and he doesn't seem to have worked out yet what you are meant to have done.

You've had a lucky escape.

nalubeadsgirl · 14/02/2012 18:29

Get on ebay and buy some second hand GHD's - £40. Sorted. I'd rather pay that than have to see the weirdo one more time!

I have a friend who has been in a relationship like this for ooohhh....FIVE years...she is wasting her life away...and he is slowly destroying every ounce of her common sense in the process. She went back for a coat one time when he dumped her..and got punched in the face. :O Seriously..you need to get out now before this oddball becomes violent.

MN'etters are a clever little bunch! We are unanimously saying YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM!!! Total nutjob.

1fab · 14/02/2012 18:30

Don't say please!

Dozer · 14/02/2012 18:39

You're well rid, do not go back even for the ghd's, a hairdresser friend says much cheaper brands like babylis are just fine.

being rid of such a knobber is worth having bad hair days for!

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 18:47

DOn't say 'PLease'. Say 'Stop texting me, you inadequate little man, I'm busy finding myself a proper relationship.'

ifeelloved · 14/02/2012 18:48

Nice guy Biker! Seriously, he has done you a favour. Enjoy your life and not having to be afraid if you have to work or fancy a night out without him.

foreverandever · 14/02/2012 19:23

you deserve SO much better, his behaviour has been very cruel

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 20:04

Hi again!

The first step in getting back your confidence is to hang out with your very good friends and enjoying yourself. There's nothing better than spending time with people who love you for who you actually are.

No more of that second guessing, walking on egg shells stuff!