dumped on valentines day

[bikerchicken]

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

I agree with AnyF

If you continue this relationship he will carry on wanting you to cancel/reschedule the working late or working away when required for him. That will damage all that you worked hard to build.

Not the actions of someone who is proud.

You knew if you interacted with him that he would turn this all on you and make it all to be your fault and he has done exactly that.

Delete his details and do not have any contact again.

Do sort your head, not his. He is not your responsibility.

Im feeling ok but drained. I spoke to a friend of his earlier who I saw in the car park. They have known each other for years. He said my ex has trust issues that are huge. He has major issues from his childhood plus the ex wife affairs and basically he trusts no one. He said he is a funny bugger and that made me laugh. He hasn't trusted a single ex girlfriend and then moved one in last year who was totally inappropriate. The friend said if the boot was on the other foot and I demanded that he took a holiday for instance, he wouldnt do it (in ref to me working away).
It's a no win game when there is such pre-relationship baggage surrounding trust. I could never had 'earned' his trust as I am a human being.
I won't be going back..he isn't going to seek any help for his issues as he feels they are all my issues.

I'm sorry, but I didn't get the sense that the OP was wavering, at least in her last posts, although she did have a low on talking to him again.

I suppose we all need to make sense of things when then happen. I did talk to ex and tried to discuss the issues, but there was no way I was going back to him without any major changes first. Which didn't happen, not surprisingly.

I don't think it's a good idea at this point to suggest what the OP could do if she returned to him. She would only take one more step towards further dependency on him.

xed posts. :-)

Good on you.

I think the fact he has decided to cut me out, change his number and delete me has helped. I won't grovel to go back so the decision has also been made for me. No point now in raking over it.

Biker, in the likely event he decides to "give you another chance" do tell him to fuck right off, won't you ?

Like Arnie, "he'll be baaaaccckkkk"

Make sure you don'y fall for the crap next time.

like Arnie, he has issues

don't take them on

long, long ago, a boyfriend I was utterly besotted with told me that the only chance for us to be together would be if I gave up my University place

that day, the penny dropped (rather belatedly, I must add)

I went to Uni...he was fucking history

Good for you, Biker!

Don't look back!

Because I miss him and I am/was warped enough in my own mind to believe that this is love..

You are not warped - he spun a web around you. You were doing it properly, healthily, he wasn't. I'ts not your fault!

and I just needed to persuade him that love doesnt include short deadline ultimatums

You don't need to persuade him of anything - if you try, he will tighten the noose. He's not going to get it biker! Not in a million years! I hope the poster above didn't mean that you could 'help' him - dear Lord, you are the very last person who can 'help' him. He doesn't want any help - he wants the universe to shift exactly where he wants it, which includes you, body and soul. He wants your soul biker. He will punish and shame you if you don't comply - you may have noticed

At the risk of sounding like a parrot: Freedom Programme! If you have a history of being attracted to controling men, this will go some way to addressing that (this is the only thing you need to take responsibility for btw - he may be a psycho knob but you chose him and alarm bells didn't ring when he pulled the first of many stunts: part of that will have been because he wove a clever web around your heart and mind but if you weren't disordered in the type of behaviour you were prepared to accept you would recognise those stunts very early on in potential relationships).

Counselling too biker - it is likely you have form for abusive/controlling relationships that goes back a long way (re childhood, probably). Welcome to the club btw - but there is hope! It is possible to undo primary conditioning.

You sound great btw. Don't be down about yourself that you fell for a knob.

Trust? pah! It's not about trust! It's about controlling. He may need serious professional intervention (not your business tbh) but 1. he'd have to want it and 2. don't, whatever you do, feel sorry for him! Promise you won't?

I go out for the day and so much happens!!!

Keep strong Op, this will be the best thing in the end. You are well shot.

Others (and you) are right, there will never be any pleasing him. He will always be untrusting, accusing and angry.

Tell the mutual friend that you have decided you deserve better than a controlling whinyarse. And do, as others have said, check out the Freedom Progrqamme and make yourself a promise right now of a whole year off dating/relationships while you recalibrate your knob radar. YOu mention you've had abusive partners in the past, unfortunately you will need a little help resetting your boundaries so you don't just attract another arsehole (they can smell women with poor boundaries, women who have been abusied in the past etc).

My biggest wake up call and stunning moment of clarity was having a miscarriage to a controlling man. They say things happen for a reason and it,s so true that I didn,t have to be tied to this man. phew.
He brought me down with his making me walking on eggs shells, battering my self esteem and slowly making sure that he made me lose all contact with my nearest and dearest friends one by one. He then started to do the same with my family members isolating me from them.(They had noticed how withdrawn I had become) they did not like him.He told me that no man would ever love me like he did (which I believed) and that I was selfish scum and came from the gutter. Those comments were only the tip of his nasty, spiteful, vile behaviour if I didn,t conform to him.Two nights a year I only ever went out with friends and boy did I know about it the next day. I had one two many drinks happy at the thought of being out, nothing major that I was out of control. The girls brought me home and he told me that they are not my friends,that I wasn,t to see them again.he told me that I was a shit mother that should be ashamed of myself for going out and he punished me by not speaking to me after he said all that. Because I fell asleep on the sofa he said that I was sneaky not coming to bed and having sex with him.He then started to control my dc by my ex. to this I challenged him as unacceptable as a dc can,t defend itself.
He told me to delete his number and that I should grow up and not contact him again.
Biker please follow your heart on this one and stay well clear, he only seeks to destroy you further. He is warped and may be suffering from arshole of the highest order syndrome. avoid at all costs. its horrid to be treated in this way and undeserved. it will have you questioning yourself when there is really no need to.to many tears to much wasted giving him headspace.unless he,s got a ten incher WALK AWAY with your head held high. Hugs to you.

I think I'd stay well clear even if he does have a ten incher!! You're doing great Biker, just keep away from him and all will be well xx

Have not read the whole thread but seems as if he wanted to hurt you "OP."

So sorry for your situation but think that you are better off without him! Best wishes!

Out of the blue my old school friend came over and we went out with some of my friends whom she has never met. My ex told me that apart from one or two, most of my friends were not worth bothering about because of their issues. It was this bunch tonight that he was referring to. After my night out, my friend turned to me and said 'what a lovely bunch of people, you are very fortunate to have them'. It made me realise that what he said was just nasty. He had some friends but not many. There were some he had a wrecked relationship with. He went to see a couple he knows over Xmas when I was working and he said he had a great time. When I spoke to the woman she said they felt sorry for him as he seemed lonely. He didnt have the same great friendship group as me. His network didn't seem supportive.
Funnily enough he told me when he was deleting me that he has received a few offers from women who want to go out with him since he met me and he has turned them all,down. He said he had deleted all his fwb's as well so that he wouldn't be tempted. I assume that was to try and make me feel jealous. It didn't work in that way but my esteem is low.
Im on a bit of a roller coaster to be honest. I feel really unattractive at the moment and i was thinking in the pub whether he is the only man who found me attractive. I have to get out of that rut. I also miss his company as I spent most nights with him.
I have filled my weekend with things to do and looking forward to it.
It's painful but slowly slowly.

Think of it as a little like weaning yourself off a drug addiction. Of course there were pleasant moments around this man. If he was vile the whole time you wouldn't have bothered in the first place. But he is fundamentally toxic, and the longer you are away from him, the easier it will get. Best of luck.

oh gawd, he gets cheesier by the minute. Lots of offers my arse!

SGB: splendid post re knob-radar

That's exactly what he wanted. For you to feel dependent on him.

It will get better. :)