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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
SugarPasteHedgehog · 14/02/2012 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlemeishere · 14/02/2012 21:10

oh gawd, as already said, what a vile manipulative man-child.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation with her bf. He was jealous of her going out without him and when she said she was going tos tay overnight somewhere for a hen night he sulked and then causeda big drama and stormed off (they live in her house) saying he was going to a B&B.

She was upset, but then got angry, packed up all his stuff and when she was about to leave to go the hen party (he thought she would be too upset) he turned up on the door. He said on the doorstep 'I have come to get a few things'. She opened the door and pointed at his stuff and said 'go ahead' (she had even dismantled his TV). Grin

Well, he was shocked to the core and started moving a few things to the car and then broke down in tears. Yes, tears!!! His little plan had totally backfired.

She did give him a second chance, God knows how that will turn out, but really, men hat behave like this are an utter embarassment.

OP, he is punishing you. Do not fall for this, please. he is a manipulative little weasel and he thinks you need him - you don't!!!

I would never stand for a man telling me I am shagging around. He has zero respect and is a total waste of your life. Believe it.

MadameOvary · 14/02/2012 21:21

He is so like my ex it's scary.
You dont feel sad/gutted because you've lost something worthwhile btw. You feel bad because this fuckmuppet eroded your self-esteem and made you doubt yourself to such a degree that it feels way more involved and important than it is.
He has messed with your head, that is all. He was NOTHING special. Just a superficial charmer with a degree in self-pity.
Have no regrets, just go and read up on losers and have fun saying "OMG that was him!" before enjoying your own company again.
You'll spot the dickheads quicker next time.

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 21:26

Hi all.
I am still upset. He phoned me earlier. Basically he says I misled him by never stipulating what I wanted from this relationship. He says that I am in a part time relationship and I have misled him into thinking he was in a full time relationship. He said that he used to be a player like me so he knows all the moves and I have been calculating.
In reality what i have been doing is spending the majority of the week with him and every weekend he has without his children. The weekends he had his kids I would spend one night, either the fri or sat seeing friends. We live 60 miles apart and my friends are in another part of the country. A couple of times I would arrange to go walking with friends the weekends he had the children. He said I calculated my social life and planned it independently of him. He also said I have never loved him and he fell hook line and sinker for me but I have made a fool of him. He told me that I have deeply hurt his feelings and he never wants to see me again and if I have any decency I will pay him back for a computer he bought for me for xmas that I hadn't asked for. He told me his Xmas was partially ruined because of me.
I tried to explain that I thought I was in a good relationship with him and I haven't been doing anything behind his back but I am guilty of thinking about myself at times.
He says my words are cheap and he wants his pc money.
I don't think I'll hear from him again.

OP posts:
anonacfr · 14/02/2012 21:30

You poor thing.
He's completely deluded. Don't even consider returning the PC.

shileofpite · 14/02/2012 21:32

Tell him to take a flying fuck then delete his number from your phone.Angry

I'm sorry you are so upset but try not to let him upset you further. What an odious little bully he is.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 21:39

I don't think I'll hear from him again.

You would hope. Somehow I don't think it's true.
He's still rambling and he's the one who finished with you.
Who buys a computer as a present without even living together? Tough. Definitely keep it and don't give him any money!

I am guilty of thinking about myself at times.
Doh, of course you are. What were you expected to do?

I spent the Christmases before getting married away from ex, with my family. Even he didn't complain about it.

He used to be a player?
It looks like he still is. Plus I have often thought that people expect other people to do the same as them.
What he tells you seems applicable to him, really.

Xales · 14/02/2012 21:45

Stop answering his calls.

You are entitled to be upset at the end of the relationship. He has no right to further upset you by painting you as a selfish bitch. He obviously cannot cope with a mature independent woman.

He is deliberately engaging you in this conversation determined to make you out to be the bad one. Don't forget you had bought him valentines presents and actually told him this so his 'you didn't buy me anything' is shit bollocks. He planned on dumping you on Friday.

There is nothing wrong with spending a weekend with your friends when he has his children.

Anyone with half a brain or ounce of compassion would know that Christmas would be a bad time with a parent dying then and make it as easy as possible for you. Not blame you for ruining a grown adults Christmas.

AS for evidence you weren't where you supposed to be for work, WTF!!! He is neither your jailor, your keeper nor your father to be checking up on you.

You have had a lucky escape can you imagine if you had moved in with this nasty control freak. He would have tried to cut you off from friends and stop you working away eventually.

He clearly doesn't think you do have any decency so tell him to get lost with the pc money or that you will offset it against the wasted valentines pressies (considering he was planning on dumping you 3 days later) and I assume the presents you may have got him and his children at christmas.

littlemeishere · 14/02/2012 21:45

Good God, I am cringing at him... he is trying to make you feel as bad as you can and then he will decide he can forgive you and you will be so grateful because you are such a bad person.

Let him off, that guy has more baggage than Heathrow.

Absolute Loserville!!!!

You will get over this - just don't buy into the emotional blackmailing BS!!!

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 21:47

Thank you to every one. Coming onto this site has really helped me so much and I am relieved I'm not first one.
I think I had fallen into the trap of believing his hype about what makes a good relationship. He told me he wasn't the jealous type earlier but he is as he didn't like me out on my own. He said I come into his life and leave his life.. This isn't true as I spent the majority of time with him and did my own thing when he had his children but also spent time with them.
So. I now need to start getting myself back on track.

OP posts:
littlemeishere · 14/02/2012 21:48

Wish him well, that will send him into a tailspin. Grin

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 21:51

You will never make him "understand" how wrong he is

Just cut him loose

and when he comes weaselling around, tell him you have decided he is not good enough for you

littlemeishere · 14/02/2012 21:55

A-grade LOSER.

All the best to you. You deserve so much better and now you have the chance to get it. xxx

Ponders · 14/02/2012 21:56

everything he says is designed to make you doubt yourself & your own integrity, question your own behaviour & not even think about his

he is such a manipulator

you will be much better off without him

& yes, what AF says - tell him you have decided he is not good enough for you

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 14/02/2012 22:20

I have just found your thread and read the whole thing - please listen to what everyone has said - you are better off out of this he is controlling, nasty, abusive and I think, in time, would be physically abusive as well. He is one fucked up man who you are well rid of.

It's all be said already, but I just wanted to say 'What they said'.

Please stop being sad, please stop communicating with him, please stop apologising - you don't owe him any apologies. Frankly, he's a bit of a scary fucker and you'd do well to stay right away from him. If you go to pick your stuff up, take a well built bloke with you OK.

Celebrate your freedom & your life - a lovely bloke is out there for you - honest!

Lueji · 14/02/2012 22:23

a lovely bloke is out there for you

Even if you happen not to find one, life without this sh*t is worth it.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 14/02/2012 22:25

He's not jealous??? Jesus christ on a bike, I'd hate to see a jealous person them. He's jealous, insecure, controlling, abusive - did I mention controlling in the extreme?

Lovey - stick around and we'll help you to realise that there is nothing wrong with you, it's him that is completely screwed up.

He didn't want you at his place when he had his kids (well, not all the time and that's fair enough), but he wanted you to sit around at home, not going out with your friends, not doing anything so he knew where you were at all times??? WTAF (what the actual fuck)???

You were worried about telling him you are working on Saturday - jesus, it's hardly like you were going partying in Amsterdam with another bloke.

Seriously??

treadwarily · 14/02/2012 22:41

I so agree with everyone here especially ChippingIn and anyfucker.

Honey he has and is treating you abysmally. Maybe you cannot see this at the moment because he has been knawing away at your self esteem for so long, but in time, when you've been away from him, you will be able to see this more clearly.

Break ups are hard. But that doesn't mean it's wrong to break up. Please listen to everyone here who, quite frankly, shows a lot more kindness towards you than your horrible boyfriend.

Don't engage with him by phone/email/anything. He is just hurting you. Let him keep his meanness to himself.

Call on your kind friends and let them help you out. It's a hard time for you and it's the time to let people support you.

Enrol in something lovely like yoga or swimming where you can have a blissful hour of you-time.

Do something each day that you enjoy, whether it's stopping to buy a nice coffee, going to bed early so you are not tired in the morning, or curling up with a magazine. All these little things will help to heal your soul.

And trust that you are doing the right thing.

Jeepers, you've been through breast cancer, your life is precious! Please don't waste another moment on this guy. xx

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 23:02

It's a classic abuser tactic, telling you that you 'don't know how to have a proper relationship.' Because his idea of a proper relationship is him crushing you and you being servile and obedient and grateful.
Don't answer his calls or, if you have to interact with him, laugh at him. He's ridiculous. Is he a short arse with a small cock? He's certainly acting like one.

Remember that you are entitled to reject a relationship you don't want, which makes you miserable. Life is not about trying to make a man happy at the expense of your own wellbeing, just so as not to be single.

springydaffs · 15/02/2012 01:07

He's constantly moving the goalposts, do you see? Plus blaming you for the entire thing, taking no responsibility whatsoever.

His 'fears' are an excuse to control you - do you see? You don't have to pay for his ex's infidelity (though tbh one wonders what really happened in that relationship tbh...). he's one frightening person imo.

Please try not to talk to him ever again. He will only fuck your head up all over again - when you need all your energy, mental and physical, to get over this. You won't convince him, he's on a mission and he has upped the ante to get you in a total and permanent spin.

You didn't ruin his christmas. You have legitimate needs around christmas - the only needs he is interested in are his, hence his longstanding sulk about christmas.

you're not alone. Loads of us have been through this and come out the other side. Get thee to the Freedom Programme. I hope your sore heart mends quickly OP ((hug))

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 15/02/2012 06:16

Control freak!!!! Sack him off with a big sigh of relief, he has spent the last year chipping away at your self esteem by the sounds of it.

Dont give him money or return the computer, it was a gift, let him fuck the fuck off.

aurynne · 15/02/2012 07:52

Congratulations! You have rid yourself of a bully, a controlling and abusive person. You have probably saved yourself from a lifetime of misery.

Now please, stop talking to him and responding to his texts. Keeping contact with you and making you feel bad is his way of controlling you even from outside the relationship. You don't owe him anything, least of all an explanation.

Enjoy your independent life away from this pitiful man!

MigratingCoconuts · 15/02/2012 08:24

His idea of a 'good relationship' is knowing exactly where you are 24/7, you having no other friends, you looking after his needs all the time, you have no independant thoughts what so ever.

With every post you send, he just sounds worse.

Its really important you get your stuff asap, bring a friend/relative along and that you block his calls.

I agree, his whinging will only get more fantastical because you are supposed to be buckling and giving in.

ps...unless you really didn't want the computer, don't give it back. It was a present!!! they're supposed to be given unconditionally!!

pictish · 15/02/2012 09:24

Yes, you see - he uses his 'generosity' like a weapon. He thinks that because he bought you a PC (that you didn't ask for) that was him marking his territory and entering you into a contract that says "I will be grateful and servile, and devote myself to being your everything"

When you go back on the promise he imagined the PC would make you keep, he wants it back.

Hahahaaa! KEEP IT!

malinkey · 15/02/2012 09:37

You don't need to explain yourself to us or to him. He is not right, what he says about you is not right - you are not on trial, you do not need to justify yourself or your actions to anybody. And you should never feel that way in a relationship.

He is the one who has behaved/is behaving badly. But you will never convince him of that and you will always be wrong in his eyes.

If a stranger spoke to you the way he does would you believe what they said about you? Well, he's the same, except he's worse because he knows where your vulnerabilities are.

I've been in a relationship like this and it is exhausting. Never again. Seriously, run run run and do whatever you need to do to make sure you know your own worth so you never end up prey to this kind of lowlife again.