dumped on valentines day

[bikerchicken]

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

Oh and your comment that you'll never hear from him again - I think you'll be inundated with text messages/phone calls/appearances and he will veer from abusive "it's all your fault" to "I can't live without you, boo hoo poor me".

You do not have to talk to him though. Tell him not to contact you again and if he persists then time to talk to the police because these kind of people don't usually give up easily.

Morning and thank you for your messages. I feel much stronger today and definitely not half a tearful. Reading messages on here helps so much. Yesterday he was full of anger, hatred and he said he could never trust me.
This morning he sent a text message asking whether I wanted to sort out our problems or just have a sex only relationship. I looked at the message and it was sunny and I thought about it and my new week planned having fun with my friends. He also asked if i was going over to his tonight.
I havent replied and i wont. If I did and said the wrong thing he would then text "lets leave it tonight" so taking the control again. Then I would be on the back foot again.
Im getting there ladies and thank you so much. I may have blips though!

A sex only relationship? Really??? Lovely, if you want a sex only thing there are plenty of gorgeous, young fit uncomplicated men out there, you can take your pick. You aren't going to touch this offer with a ten foot pole are you?

well done, don't engage him at all, run hard an fast, get out with your friends and do your own thing.

if you have a blip then come and chat here. :)

fwiw read the thread below yours about feeling ashamed - blokes like this star some where and end up escalating, I know blokey on the other thread is depressed however, it starts a bit of control, a bit of being jealous a bit of you being grateful for them and a door mat, and ends with physical violence, and you feeling responsible for their well being/self.

but, remember this, you're amazing, a brilliant person who deserves the best, and someone who will be an equal, this man isn't that. deffo don't sleep with him - it will lower your self worth, and you're worth 10 of him. :)

( or pop to anne summers for a relationship with bob :o)

Keep posting and stay strong x

Well done on not replying. You are doing really well.

Expect a lot more texts I don't see him giving you up that easily.

If he does pesist, at some point you will need to send a text that says 'You are dumped. Do not contact me. ANy further attempts at contact will be reported to the police'. Then, if need be (particularly if he turns up howling on the doorstep) ring the police, who will come and remove him. The best way to deal with losers like him is with firmness and contempt: give no mercy at all. He's not your problem. Treat him like a persistant double-glazing salesman. That's about as much relevance as he has to your life.

LOL at his messages.

You probably will too when you get over him completely.

What a pathetic fool.

If you analyse it carefully, you haven't really been dumped. You have actually dumped and got yourself free from that 's grip.

Oh he's a trier, isn't he.

I agree with SGB, don't reply unless his texts become harassment and then just report him to the police.
He's not worth the shit off your shoe, so even though it's hard just try not to think about him at all. Concentrate on you and building a wonderfully supportive circle of friends around you - in real life and on the t'interweb.

Just want wanted to add I don't think you wanted a part-time relationship.
I think you wanted an ADULT relationship - something that he obviously cannot give you, what with all those guilt trips, ridiculous accusations and manipulations.

well done!!! Amazing control. You are right! he's baiting for an answer to get the control back. I like the sound of your week without him much better!!!

And I also at his stupid attempts to get you to apologise! Wot an Arse!

STB is totally right. Someitme soon you will need to dump him and explain that this time apart has given you pause for thought. he ain't good enough for you!

Hi OP. I am glad you are feeling a little better this morning.

I cannot believe he sent you that text. He is so obviously playing mind games. So he "dumps" you yesterday but today thinks there are only 2 options
1)sort out issues
2) have sex relationship

he forgot option 3

3. leave us as finished.

You have done the right thing to not even bother to respond. He has "ended it" so leave it and walk away. He has a nerve to even suggest those 2 options.

That text is just ultimate confirmation that he is totally deluded and just not right mentally. He is so self absorbed into what he wants and how he wants to engineer everything in your relationship that he cannot even see it.

Seriously - after yesterday what normal perosn would send a text like that???

You have had such a lucky escape. I do expect it will hurt for while but you do know that you are going to be so much happier in the long run getting away from him and also with the potential to meet someone so much more genuine at some point in the future.

You are doing so well. Chin up love. You will get through this.

Well done OP - you're doing exactly the right thing. For heavens sake don't go back to this toxic relationship, you are far better off without him!!

It frustrates the hell out of me when people like him get what they planned for after such manipulative and complete twattish behaviour...please don't give him the satisfaction, it will just make you seem like a sap and he'll just be working on his next move cos it works for him, don't let it work, make him fail, you deserve better and should NOT NOT NOT put up with anymore of his crap!! good luck, be strong and move on..very lucky escape.. on your behalf.

OP, you are doing just fine

those text messages are so worthy of utter contempt aren't they

not even worth a reply

this man is the epitome of arrogance and self-delusion

you should have no further part of it

do not cave to any requests to "talk" "sort it out" or otherwise be subjected to his slefish and fucked-up "reasoning"

you are your own woman, not a puppet he can yank the strings of whenever he feels like it

watch out for the charm offensive now, though

Toxic is for sure the correct word. i was thinking earlier about this. He wanted to be with me all time and he would say he wanted to see me every day and he hated it if I went off on my own, even for just a day. Some of the people I spent time with he had never met because they live in another part of the country and he hated it if I was meeting up with them.
Every other weekend he would go away and do an adrenalin sport and he would want me to go with him. I liked going to be honest as it was by the sea and fun. However a rare occassion I would be working till late on the Friday or something and he would typically text earlier in the week to say "lets leave it till next week". This is how he controlled things - by cutting off my access to him if I didnt do what he wanted or suggest an alternative. On more than one occasion I buckled and changed my schedule.
I had started to think I was abnormal wanting to spend time apart from him and i loved the thought of times when he may be busy. I would have to persuade him to keep to pre-agreed arrangements otherwise he would cancel them if he thought he could see me. he would gladly do things with me but I wanted to do stuff on my own. He said that was me being selfish.
The sex only relationship is a ploy. He doesnt want one and he thinks thats the kind of thing I want. He has told me that i cant hold down a relationship because of my job, lifestyle etc. He would also freak out about an ex who I speak of fondly. Only yesterday he asked me to explain what was so good/nice about him.
Im feeling better by the hour but emotionally I am drained.
Just unravelling all of this is therapeuatic!
Thanks again

(again) What a total fucking bellend. He has some really distorted ideas about women and sexuality, doesn't he?

It is normal to want to spend some time on your own - even if you have an amazing partner. He is the abnormal one for wanting to spend every waking minute with you.

Every weird UNTRUTHFUL thing he says about you like your inability to hold down a relationship is probably projection about his own faults.

when my marriage ended because he left me, he was a lot like this prick. I can remember it took a lot of emotional trumoil before I was over it but my over riding feeling on that first day was 'thank god that's over!'

It took a lot of understanding why I felt like that and much of the reasons I did are what you are saying in your post.

ps... month later, when he decided he didn't want to leave me after all, I had such classic lines as these thrown at me:

1. I lied about all those nasty things I said so that you would hate me as much as I hate myself (it worked)

1. I've had a breakdown, poor me.

1. You need to take me back so that i can get better.

1. I know you better than anyone and know what's best for you.

1. You're lucky I'm considering taking you back after how you behaved

Not once, did he try sorry..at all.

Sound familiar at all??

'months'

What a loser!! My first boyfriend, the one I lost "it" to, was a bit like this. He dumped me accusing me of not caring about him because I spent time with my friends ( who admittedly all hated him and couldn't see what I saw in him although they only told me this before and after we got together). He was fun and interesting to be with too at times and I was terribly upset but he was quite controlling. Nothing like this though. You should consider yourself lucky. I would have no further contact with him if I were you... Make a clean break. Don't reply to his texts or take his calls. He only wants to prolong the pain and make you feel like rubbish.

OP: After reading this thread, I don't think you were dumped on Valentine's Day, I think you were set free.....

I think you are well rid of this shoddy sack of shit.

I'm all for a bit of no strings action if you are single and whatever, but this man has more strings than a harp convention. Plenty of nice uncomplicated folk out there if you wanted a FB - but it sounds to me that you wanted a nice normal relationship where you spend time together and apart having your own life.
You do not have to be joined at the hip to be monogamously happy. It works for us and it will work for some other nice man that you meet.

I don't think you were dumped either - I think you had a merciful early release.