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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
mouldyironingboard · 14/02/2012 12:59

Don't believe him when he told you that you were the only one he had feelings for - the chances are that he has said this many times to previous girlfriends during the past 8 years.

You deserve much better than this nasty person. He will probably contact you again as men like this tend to be persistant, but don't give in to him. Why would it bother you whether you are 'good enough' for such a controlling, jealous, manipulative man? The only person who matters here is you, not him. He's proved that he doesn't really love or care about you, otherwise he would behave differently.

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 13:14

Yes she did. I knew her to do that.
I couldnt help it and sent him a text saying that I think he had planned to dump me today and this has been engineered by him for maximum impact.
Last night we were talking about our lives. I have a tendency to put mine into compartments as my mum is difficult and lives miles away, my job is hard going. Nothing meant by it, its just the way it is. Anyway he has replied saying that he hadnt planned it and he was looking forward to tonight and thats another load of money gone to waste. He said he was probably going to dump me on friday and that he now hates me and this shit about compartments. He also said "well fuck you u and the best of luck because you are going to need it the way you treat people"
That made me cry.
I've deleted everything now. That text was meant to have me begging for forgiveness wasnt it?

OP posts:
AlexTasha · 14/02/2012 13:15

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. I used to have a partner like that, made me feel like it was me and him against the world and in his words, 'he would take a bullet for me.' But having someone love you so much they are obsessed by you is not healthy. You will find out that all his promises mean nothing when to get them you will have to sacrifice your independance and freedom. Yeah he might help you with your mortgage, but what will you have to do to make him happy in return? He will hold it over you so that you feel bad when you do something he doesnt like. Trust me! I know it must hurt and you feel like you want to make him happy and make him trust you, but it is NOT worth it.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/02/2012 13:18

Agree with the others, OP. He sounds like an insecure eejit. Drink the champagne with a friend, in celebration of your escape from a permanent merry-go-round of someone else's issues.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 13:19

Yup.

So you are guilty of him dumping you like this and him wasting all that money?
That makes sense, but these men often don't.

Sorelip · 14/02/2012 13:20

What an arsehole.

Just don't bother to reply to him. And have a great Valentine's day, knowing that you don't have to put up with his shit from this day forward.

Wrongbow · 14/02/2012 13:25

"thats another load of money gone to waste". Oh DIDDUMS! What a wankstain. IGNORE!

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 13:28

Grin and 'wankstain'

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 13:34

at

malinkey · 14/02/2012 13:40

He sounds like a toddler. "I was planning to dump you on Friday" - good grief.

Run away and thank your lucky stars that you're not living together and you don't have DCs with this man.

If you've previously been in an abusive relationship before this one then it might be an idea to go and have some counselling and/or go on the Freedom Programme - you can do this online if you can't go to a course or don't have time:
www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

In the meantime read this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody/AllOnOnePage

noseynoonoo · 14/02/2012 13:40

When you go to collect your belongings would you please take someone with you so that you don't get sucked into a conversation? Don't tell him you are taking someone else because I'm sure he'll be planning what he's going to say to you.

His texts sound very unpleasant. I have been dumped or dumped other people over the years and I can't remember ever talking, or being talked at like that on the day of the break up. Obviously sometime down the line it might get a bit unpleasant but never on the day.

Please try not to contact him other than to arrange pick up of your items. He is desperate for you to call.

Gay40 · 14/02/2012 13:42

Thank god you are rid of this fuckmuppet. Real men don't say "I hate you now", that's for silly boys.
Lucky, lucky escape.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 14/02/2012 13:48

Good God!

Well from now on you can celebrate V day as your 'escape from the whining weirdo' special occasion.

Seriously, you are blessed to be rid here.

Get your stuff with a friend in tow, and be very bouncy and happy. Any chit chat, just be breezy 'Oh I think it was definitely for the best. No, I'm really pretty good actually now I've had time to think about it all, haha!' Then, if he contacts you again, a text simply saying 'Oh be quiet you silly, silly little fart' should work wonders.

By the way your OP had me in stitches - sorry - 'Me, div, 0 kids' - 'Blimey talk about lack of self esteem' I thought for a moment Grin

Sorry. Hope that makes you laugh too.

HURRAH FOR THE END OF KNOBBERDOM though.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 13:54

lucky escape for you op

what a needy, snivelling, controlling jumped-up twerp he sounds

when he comes crawling back (he will) make sure you thank him for making you realise you deserve a whole lot better than having your chain yanked by some inadequate fuckwit

Anniegetyourgun · 14/02/2012 13:58

They never change, you know. People who have it in them to change admit it's their issue, not yours, and get help for it. Now if this twerp runs true to his previous form he'll turn up with flowers and a contrite expression when you've had enough time to miss him, and swear he's learned his lesson. But if you give him the benefit of the doubt and climb back on the merry-go-round again, before you know it you'll be back to where you started, because that's what merry-go-rounds do.

Blu · 14/02/2012 14:02

Add to Erikur's list of things below which signal 'red flag' the fact that he blamed you for 'ruining' Christmas rather than being understanding about your Dad's death. He is all about blame, isn't he - blaming YOU!

The nerve of it - he was planning to dump you on Fri and yet go out tonight!

Avoid a pointless text battle. Trying to prove who is to blame, who is at fault and who is the baddy is playing right into his hands and giving him more opportunities to blame you and big up his own sense of entitlement and self-righteousness.

Make an appointment to pick your stuff up, be calm, assertive - and lots of arrangements to meet friends is exactly the way to go.

Sorry you feel so emotionally roughed up now, but his behaviour is very clear to see from the outside, and it really does look like a lucky escape.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/02/2012 14:07

'ere, Auntie, you said "twerp" just before I did so I look like I'm copying you. Cut it out, 'k?

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 14:07

Oh lovey what an utter bellend this man is. He went after you because he could smell vulnerabilty - that's what men like this do, it's how they operate. There is something fundamentally missing inside them which means they have to conquer a woman and make her life hell, just to make themselves feel better. Bear in mind that with men like this, the nice stuff is an act, a mask: the real man is the controlling, threatening, unpredictable, whiny arsehole.

YOu really are well rid. It might be worth looking into some ways to boost your self esteem and sort out your boundaries to keep knobs like this at bay in future. Remember it's fine to be single, much much better to be single than to have a waste of time and oxygen like him in your life.

BayPolar · 14/02/2012 14:07

Ooh, pour me a glass of that champagne...xxx
You are better off without this knob.

Cheers.
Happy Valentines Day.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 14:08

I'll swop you "twerp" for "fuckwit" ok ?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/02/2012 14:10

You're on. And we'd both be right.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2012 14:11

indeed

joblot · 14/02/2012 14:27

I love mn for many reasons, one being the fabulous insults I've learned on here.

Op hope you're ok and if it feels right tell him he's a wankstain/knobber/fuckmuppet etc etc

Heyyyho · 14/02/2012 14:36

He really has done a number on you.

You sound like you have such dreadfully low self esteem. Like yiu wpuld belive whatever anyone said to you.

Maybe spend some time alone enjoying being you.

wannaBe · 14/02/2012 14:49

op, what stuff of yours does he have? because tbh unless it was the family jewellery/the key to the safe in my cellar with the gold bars in it I'd be inclined just to forget about it and move on. Stick his stuff in a bin bag and drop it on his doorstep with a note saying that you don't need your stuff back - there's plenty where that came from. Wink

Don't think of it as having been dumped on Valentines day - it's just another day and no more special/signifficant than any other day.

don't cry over him - he's not worth it. delete his number, give back his stuff and don't answer his calls or texts.