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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dumped on valentines day

239 replies

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 10:34

background: Met last year in March. He divorced, 2 kids, solvent etc. Me, div, 0 kids - had been living a bit of a fancy free lifestyle, lots boyfriends etc.
So, everything started ok but then we had a conversation one night last Arpil and the next morning he ended the relationship by text saying I was being negative and it was obvious that I had intentions of possibly seeing other men (we had been talking about being in contact with ex's the night before. he keeps no contact, I still have a text of one whom I have no feelings for, nor him me but we share a hobby).
Life went on and then he phoned me a couple of months later saying that he had made a massive mistake and could we get back together. So we did as I did like him a lot.
Then we had a fantastic 7 months together. Got on very well, lots of fun, great sex etc etc.He said that he had never committed to anyone since his divorce but in his mind, I was the one that he wanted and he (in his words) was totally in love with me. He also said he was addicted to me and wanted to be with me forever. I was (am)in love with him too, but I wasnt addicted.
However every now and again there would be a blip where he would start thinking that I was sleeping with someone else (I wasnt)and he wanted to spend every night with me. My job takes me around the country for 1-2 nights a week and I attempted to adjust it but I still had to work. If I went away he would say the house felt empty with me not being there and he missed me. It would get quite dramatic at times when he would say that i was waiting for an opportunity to go back to my previous lifestyle.
Ocassionally he would have a bit of a quiver about me being away for work (I would always phone at night and we would talk for ages)and said that there was no evidence to say where I had been. But essentially things were good. One major problem was that he loves xmas and I hate it (my dad died at xmas) and I was working so he felt that xmas was ruined.
So life trotted on, good times were had. When he had his kids he would not like me to do other things on my own for part of the weekend and would tell me that I wasnt bothered about his kids (i was and when I offered to spend time he said no). When we were together we had an amazing time in each others company and I thought that we were doing ok.
Valentines day comes along. We had booked to go out tonight and I had got him a card/present etc which I thought we would be exchanging tonight and I told him this. I was picking up a cake for him, had champagne etc and was looking forward to the gift exchange. We spent the evening together and I wrote a b/day card to a friend and then went to bed. Recently I noticed he hasnt been telling me he loves me as much and he has been less demonstrative. However he decided that he was getting my card present out and it was in the kitchen this morning. I said that I was looking forward to giving him his and I would see him later.

So, I get to work and I have a text saying "i sat next to you last night watching you write a card to your mate and you didnt even get me a card. Its not the card that is the issue but you are taking the piss"
I was so upset and managed to speak to him at work. He said that I take the piss, I am all take, take, take and that although he loves me, he doesnt trust me. He also said that when i am away with work it is obvious that I am shagging other blokes. This isnt the case.
So, i am here with all his presents and Ive been dumped.
I feel so upset and its my first time posting.

OP posts:
RabidEchidna · 14/02/2012 11:03

He is mental, you have had a lucky escape RUN

HellonHeels · 14/02/2012 11:04

Sorry you feel upset it's not nice being dumped but please take note of what everyone here is saying. He is not a nice man. He's horrible and manipulative. Please do not get back together with him!

JaceyBee · 14/02/2012 11:05

What everyone else said. He sounds awful and potentially dangerous. What do your friends/family think of him?

KnickerlessCackleby · 14/02/2012 11:05

OP please come back and tell us you aren't going to get back together with him? Pleeeeeassssse? We speaketh the sense here on this one, even me.

formerdiva · 14/02/2012 11:06

OP - are you ok? The above comments are all, I think, quite right - you're well shot of him. But I know that it probably hurts like hell right now. Do you have some mates you can lean on for support over the next few days? Keep your strength together, keep re-reading this thread, and remind yourself that this man will bring you nothing but unhappiness in the long term : )

suburbophobe · 14/02/2012 11:07

He sounds like a mind fuck.

I agree with the others. See it as a lucky escape.

He will never stop undermining and controlling you and you having to bend over backwards to accommodate him.

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 11:23

Thank you so much for your replies.
I think you are right and I think, when I am less upset I will see this relationship for what it is. Ever since we have met there have been examples of jealous like streaks, he even said that in the past he has been jealous. I am a pretty up front person and I am trustworthy but he would change things around a little and yet he recently told me that he needed to walk on eggshells with me as I twist words around. I dont think I do this. He has never critisied me which is quite different from the previous relationship and he always told me that I looked great etc.(previous bf said I was fat and compared me to other women) I loved that because I felt terrible about myself after having breast cancer 4 years ago with everything that entails and I only had a reconstruction last year.For those years I felt I was living in the dark and that recon was the best decision I have ever made...for myself (mainly as it stopped reminding me that I am not immortal).
He was so supportive through that operation but maybe it was partly because he had me to himself and the status quo wasnt rocked? He would also tell me that i was incredibly clever. BUT he would also say that I lacked feelings, was cold hearted, and went through stages that were loving but I wasnt loving all the time. He also recently started saying that I was playing games with him because i dont include him in everything. However he was always willing to help, give advice etc and he would be someone who was always going to "be there" (!)
I think I have been compensating as he is such good company and you are all correct in that I have been adjusting my behaviour. For instance, I am working this Saturday and I was dreading telling him (now I dont have to). In the past he would text and say "lets leave it tonight" for whatever reason. He did this on Friday as he had his kids and said it would be easier for me if I didnt see him as I had so far to drive.
Can people be controlling and yet be genuine? He said, and I beleived him that he would do anything for me and to be honest I did feel totally "safe" in the knowledge that i wouldnt want for anything if I stayed with him, he offered to help with my mortage, buying a new car. He said that couples are meant to be together and face the world together.
So, yes I feel very upset but at the same time relieved.
He has text to say that I am not to go round to night as he is working late and he will be in touch in the next couple of days (I have a lot of stuff at his house).
I wont contact him but I will miss him as a person and I just feel very upset as I feel like I am losing someone who really loved me (I know that might not make much sense!).
Thanks again to everyone and sorry about the long post. I never really talk to anyone about myself or my feelings.

OP posts:
BlissfulHousewife · 14/02/2012 11:24

He sounds a possessive nut job! He sounds likea 12 year old!!!

I know it probably hurts right now - but he has issues and you should grab this opportunity to run for your life.

SERIOUSLY - he is not right and he will not change. He will continue to get more and more possessive and attempt to control you more and more.

Take this as a lucky escape and live your life for you not looking over your shoulder worrying what he will think every time you have a night out, work away, spend time with other friends.

peeriebear · 14/02/2012 11:27

PLEASE Don't let him 'forgive you'. You need to run a mile from this man, emotionally. I'd bet my life savings he very magnanimously allows you to apologise to him in a couple of days. Don't be taken in, he is worryingly controlling and it's all a big game to him!

pictish · 14/02/2012 11:34

You poor woman.
He has manipulated the hell out of you all the way along.

He charms and reassures, he pays compliments, he offers to help you financially. He makes you feel on top of the world.

But then the price you pay for all of those seemingly lovely things is:

He belittles you and bullies you. He makes you feel obliged to him. He commands ALL of your attention and blames you for being uncaring and lacking in warmth when he doesn't get it. He expects to dictate who you talk to and when, where you go. He takes you writing a card out to your friend, as a sign that you are not 100% totally focused on him and his needs at all times, so he punished you and dumps you. On Valentine's Day.

What will happen now:

He will decide when you have suffered enough, and will present himself, giving you the opportunity to apologise for your insubordination. He is probably expecting that you will contact him to beg, but when you don't, he'll be along soon enough, to receive his apology. He will deign to give you another chance.
You will, from then on, be terrified to do anything that does not meet with his approval.
You will spend your existence trying to keep this emotionally abusibe arsehole happy.
But he won't be. And more to the point, neither will you.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 11:39

Please take someone when you pick up your things.

Is it possible that he actually has someone else and is spending tonight with her?

I wouldnt discard the possibility.

pictish · 14/02/2012 11:42

He would do anything for you....except let you write a card out to friend without putting him first.

Small example, but says it all.

Bear1984 · 14/02/2012 11:43

He sounds just like my ex. Hugs to you. It's not nice, but you will be okay, and you will see him for what he really is. He will most likely come crawling back to you, and this will be a constant game being played by him because he can't trust you due to his own issues. My ex accused me of cheating on him because my best friend is a man. He was jealous and would storm out and expect me to follow him and say how sorry I am for things I hadn't even done. What upset me most was that I was losing my ex as a friend, but not as a partner, but if that's the way he treats you as a person, he's not worth having in your life. Get your things from his place, take any of his stuff over, take any keys or things he has of yours, and leave it as that.

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 11:44

You should never be made to feel bad about working on a saturday. You should never be made to feel like your words will be mis-represented.

I remember feeling like that and it is wrong.

You will have mixed feelings and be upset because if it was all bad then you wouldn't be there at all.

In a healthy relationship, you get the nice stuff without the penalty price.

Good luck Smile. Do you have someone in RL you can talk to and be suppotive to you?

Secrecy · 14/02/2012 11:48

Wow! He's very controlling and manipulative. Enjoy your life without the drama!

I second what was said above, by the way - I bet he comes crawling back generously ready to give you a second chance if only you'll be more thoughtful....

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2012 11:48

Please send someone round for your stuff. Text him back saying "ok" and then be pleased you had a lucky escape!

Patienceobtainsallthings · 14/02/2012 12:02

Pictish your post at 11.34 is my life with my ex,16yrs of this stuff ,always threatening to leave,manipulated me,then most charming guy in the world,wrecked my head til i got out.
Run Biker Run !!!!!!!!

bikerchicken · 14/02/2012 12:13

Thanks to all:
I feel ok but emotional if I think about him. Part of me wants him to say he's got this wrong (he even said this morning "I may be wrong but when you went away on Sat I think you were seeing someone else"). He also said he knows my set of behaviours are suspicious because he was just like me. He has an 8 year post divorce history of frequent short term relationships which he describes as meaningless. I was the 1st one he had fallen for.
Before that his wife had multiple affairs.
I have contacted by text my old friends whom I have missed seeing and we are meeting on Thursday. I am also seeing a friend tomorrow night.
Tonight I will be good to myself.
I will be ok but I need to shake of the feeling that I wasnt good enough and ended up on the "dumped" pile just like all the others. I will keep posting if thats ok as it feels like I am having to wean myself off an "addiction" which is seeking approval from him IYKWIM.
Thanks again

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2012 12:32

What a fucking nerve he has to assume you're as bad as he is

Nagoo · 14/02/2012 12:32

Keep posting :)

You may have gained approval, but it is worth nothing if he constantly doubts you. You need trust over 'you look nice today' :)

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 12:36

You are 'good enough' but this just isn't worth having.

do keep posting. A surprisingly large number of us have been exactly where you are Smile

JuliaScurr · 14/02/2012 12:36

'no evidence of where you had been' Evidence?? WTAF? Are you on trial? Women's Aid produced a book about 'Prince Charming syndrome' about men like him.
Don't give him a second thought. Enjoy the rest of your life, starting today by treating yourself to haircut/chocolates/perfume/book (delete as required)

Ponders · 14/02/2012 12:49

Before that his wife had multiple affairs

I wonder if she really did? Hmm

sounds like a very lucky escape, biker

MigratingCoconuts · 14/02/2012 12:51

i wondered that too....

or is it all in his warped and twisted little head?

pictish · 14/02/2012 12:58

There's an outside chance that she did have affairs, but that is no reason for him to treat you like this.

Why should you spend your life paying for what she did? He just thinks this tale of woe, whether there is an ounce of truth in it or not, gives him the right to own you! It doesn't!!

Being cheated on does not make him entitled to hold you emotionally hostage!