To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

[JamRagRolyPoly]

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' .

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

"Some people just have to be right don't they? "

Shit, my irony meter just exploded

Hi OP.

I can see why you're so so gutted.

The hideous thing about a situation like this is that it can't ever really be made right, can it? What you want - what you thought you had, and what you committed to - isn't a man who agrees not to go to strip clubs, but a man who wouldn't want to go to strip clubs. Fundamentally different.

That's what I would want, that's what I believe I have. A man who would think 'Oh my God, that's foul' at the prospect - for all sorts of reasons - the issue of exploitation, because he would see engaging at that level with another person as infidelity, because the idea is tacky and shit beyond belief.

The fact that he thinks that way, for all those reasons, is part of WHY I am with him. It illustrates his basic belief system, his morality, FGS his basic dignity.

What you've discovered is that the man you thought you knew is actually a very different person with a very different belief system. That is fundamental.

And that means that essentially, all this stuff about winning back trust, about 'working' to make it right again, demonstrating through actions etc. etc. is missing the point. He hasn't made a mistake in that sense. Objectively, he has done nothing wrong in going to the club - it isn't illegal. It simply has shown you that he is a different person to the one you thought. And you have a problem with that. So, he could promise never to go again and keep that promise, and it wouldn't change the fact that you do not wish, would not have chosen a relationship with a man who thinks it's ok to go to strip clubs and as a result the relationship has been spoiled for you.

THAT is what has you banging your head against a brick wall. Because 'getting over it' essentially means compromising your principles and staying with a man who is less than you thought, committing to children with him.

It really is as big as that.

And I haven't even mentioned the lying about it yet... Lying like that, about something real and important (hell, lying full stop really) would be a dealbreaker for me.

Put the ability to lie alongside the fact that you now know where his moral compass lies, and you have a recipe for future infidelity.

I don't know what you should do. I know two things you shouldn't do, one is to try and bury it, the other is to stay with him because you're afraid you won't have children if you do.

Good luck.

It's a shame you see this thread as an exercise in point scoring fluffy.

Good post thecunt thank you

and yes, you are right on the money there

I really must namechange!

The thing for me would be, I'd bail out at least partly because I know I wouldn't really forgive him. I might try hard, I might be ok on the surface, but I would see him differently and it would corrode things. This for the lying more than the club - once you know someone is willing to lie, what do you do?! - but the whole thing really, the whole package.

Maybe you need to step back first and foremost and really evaluate what you think you have with this man. Years ago, I went out with a lovely bloke who was a lot more 'alpha male' than my DH. Lovely gentle kind nice man, but city job, 'alpha' (bullshit) attitude in many ways though diluted by basic niceness. We were chalk and cheese, even down to the music we liked . All his friends were wankers, naturally.

Now he would probably have done what your P has. And lied about it. Although he was basically a lovely bloke. I'm so glad we split, and I'm now with my totally non alpha, non city bullshit job DH who likes the music I like and thinks the way I do. I'd have been a different, less honest version of myself with my ex, I think.

I can see why you are worried about children, family, wasting time you've invested. That's not shallow, it's simply facing facts. All women know there's a time limit on getting things in place if they want kids. You don't need to feel ashamed or weak for thinking that way. But - it is honestly better to do it a less conventional way than to have kids with the wrong person. I was 37 having my DD, getting old now so who knows if we'll fit in another. But better that than 4 kids and unlimited money with my perfectly nice but totally wrong for me ex!

I don't know if that helps. Does your P sound like your version of my ex? Sort of right, but not deep down? Think very carefully if so.

I was 41 when I had dd. believe everyone, you are not old, it is not too late, you have years ahead of you.