Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 22:05

I'm reallly in two minds if I can forgive this. One moment I think i can, then the reality hits me, and that he lied and has been before. Can I really be with someone who does this to me, I don't know.

I am insecure, I do feel stuck. I think if I leave him I'll have to move out, find somewhere to live. Meet someone else, what if I dont? I really want a family.

I'm so fucking mad and sad and the same time I could pull my hair out

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 22:07

Two days ago I was looking forward to starting a family, settling down. Now this Sad just so fucked up

OP posts:
PattiMayor · 12/02/2012 22:08

Moral doesn't mean legal, Sparks. But other than that, I agree. Either Jam decides she's okay with this or she isn't.

Jam- I don't think, from what you've said so far, he's going to stop. He's just going to be a bit more sneaky about it. And that's really not a good foundation for a relationship :(

runningforthebusinheels · 12/02/2012 22:09

Viewing the female form - riiiight When the dp came home visibly aroused? Oh yes, I'm sure the op can appreciate he was just viewing the female form.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 22:10

StrawberrytallCAKE

Using the opinions of SOME families you met in the Netherlands does not back up your claim of MOST people in the Netherlands.

If you have actual statistics or a link you can quote then do so, otherwise your anecdotal evidence is useless.

Sparks1 · 12/02/2012 22:11

I am insecure, I do feel stuck. I think if I leave him I'll have to move out, find somewhere to live. Meet someone else, what if I dont? I really want a family.

And finally we get to the crux of the matter...

BayPolar · 12/02/2012 22:13

How old are you?
You're prepared to take second best because you don't think you can stand on your own two feet, because you think there's nobody else out there for you - just him, out of millions of men - and you are desperate to have a family.

Well, if you think that moving out would be too much of a bother, that he's the only guy for you, and that having a family with this guy will bring you great joy and happiness for the rest of your life, stay where you are.

One thing I am proud of regarding myself, is that I did bother to move out,(from abusive family) I did bother to take risks, and it all paid off in the end because I am leading a happy, fulfilled life on my terms.

And I won't ever come to MN with a 'I wish I hadn't married this guy but I did because I was scared to strike out alone' thread.

Good luck with 'having a family'.
It is something that is worth bothering about and making the right decision over when it comes to choosing who to have this family with.

inabeautifulplace · 12/02/2012 22:13

Jam, maybe I can give you a Mangina's view Wink

I've been to a strip club, once, for my best mates stag do. I was apprehensive beforehand and found it a pretty degrading experience all in. I'd never have gone on a standard night out. My concern from your recent posts is that he may understand that he's hurt you but that might not change his viewpoint. It's clearly important to you so you want to ask a few searching questions about his experiences.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 22:13

Thanks for that sparks, so helpful!

OP posts:
xkittyx · 12/02/2012 22:13

Dutch society in general is a lot more conservative than ours, notfluffy, StrawberrytallCAKe is perfectly correct.

runningforthebusinheels · 12/02/2012 22:14

jam I can totally understand what a shock this is for you. It is very important that you take time to take stock of your relationship and ponder just what it is you want from a partner and potential father of your children.

Ignore the spats on here about the sex industry (I apologise for my part in them) and think about your life. Do you think your partner has any inkling of your moral objections to strip clubs? It is important that he does - because if he doesn't then it means that you will need to be the one to compromise and do you want that?

Sparks1 · 12/02/2012 22:14

Viewing the female form - riiiight When the dp came home visibly aroused? Oh yes, I'm sure the op can appreciate he was just viewing the female form.

Well presumably if he'd knobbed her he'd be limp?

Honestly.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 22:15

Running - yes he's very clear on it, did seem sorry and said he wouldn't go again as it hurt me so much

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 22:16

He was kind of limp, sparks.

Honestly.

OP posts:
runningforthebusinheels · 12/02/2012 22:16

Nobody said he'd knobbed her sparks. Honestly what's wrong with you?

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 22:19

"Dutch society in general is a lot more conservative than ours, notfluffy, StrawberrytallCAKe is perfectly correct."

I wonder how you'd explain this then. Ronald Weitzer, sociologist at George Washington University poll:

"In the 1990s, Dutch attitudes supported the legalization of prostitution: in a 1997 survey, 73 percent of Dutch citizens favored legalization of brothels, 74 percent said that prostitution was an "acceptable job," and in a 1999 poll 78 percent felt that prostitution is a job like any other job"

runningforthebusinheels · 12/02/2012 22:19

jam sparks is obviously somehow getting off on being pretty unpleasant to you, who knows why?

Sparks1 · 12/02/2012 22:21

SO FUCKING LEAVE HIM!

I'm out. It's self indulgent crap at it's best now. You've been given good advice. Take it.

BayPolar · 12/02/2012 22:21

Gah. I hate my hair. It's so dry right now. Right. Off to work.
Bye.

hoops997 · 12/02/2012 22:22

In sparks' defence last night in the thread OP said her DP was very aroused and pawing at her, OP needs to make up her mind

WorraLiberty · 12/02/2012 22:24

I have to say I'm getting the impression you're considering staying with him because your don't believe you'll find anyone else OP.

I truly believe there's someone out there for everyone and you don't have to stay with someone just because you're worried you won't find someone else.

That's not fair on either of you.

Has your DP said whether or not he wants to stay with you?

ledkr · 12/02/2012 22:39

bay hasnt your bath run over??

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 22:47

No, but her cup has.

Charbon · 12/02/2012 22:57

jam well you've opened the discussions and you say that it's normal for him to clam up and talk more when he's had a chance to reflect. As long as that's the case and you also follow through with your plan not to bury this, you might be able to work this out.

I think a lot of young men get sucked into this horrible misogynist culture and aren't encouraged by parents, friends, colleagues or even partners to step outside it and look at it objectively, through a humanitarian lens. In the absence of someone in their lives questioning the culture, sometimes it takes getting older and having children to do so.

This is why this could be an opportunity and not a threat. It depends on how strong his character is though and whether he respects your views enough to take them seriously and be honest with you about his future intentions. The worst-case scenario would be that he'll humour you and carry on lying to you. I hope you'll be able to judge from what he says what's more likely.

I think you had to give him a chance to understand your strong feelings on this and to state your boundaries again and he now has a responsibility to be truthful about where he stands on this. It isn't as cut and dried as sparks maintains because by having this conversation, you are allowing for the possibility of change in your partner.

In your next discussions, it might be helpful to suggest a few hypothetical situations and ask him how he intends to deal with them in the future. E.g. a client insists on doing business at a lapdance club, there is a stag night involving a strip club, he is on a trip where it is accepted and normalised that the men will pay for sex. What will he say and how will he deal with being a lone or outnumbered voice? Will he be as strong as you've been over the past days, resisting the jibes that he is 'uptight' or 'controlling' of others' behaviour?

ledkr · 12/02/2012 22:58

Her deep japanese bath of early retirement fame Grin