DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

You sound lovely can'tcook.

I think you know that you don't have a great relationship. Things have changed (children left, you have new work demands) it's brought the lack of emotional connection you have with DH into sharp focus.

Have you thought of couples counselling to see whether your relationship is able to evolve?

It's very scary to contemplate leaving a marriage, particularly in your 50s, but the reality is you could have another 30 years of being unhappy in this relationship.

Again. Speechless.

It's not about how many hours housework the OP does .

It's about the fact that OP's husband does fuck all to help and spends his weekend pursuing his own hobbies and opting out of family life.

As I said I am the OP's husband in my family. There is no difference. Except that I respect my dh, do my share of stuff round the house and dedicate my evenings and weekends to him and the kids.

Makes me mad this attitude that a man who makes loads of money shouldn't have to do anything at home!

I don't think he's a tosser and I don't think she should leave him (unless she gets to that point). I am very big on marriage vows and staying together. But he's not sticking to his marriage vows - supporting and honouring and caring is he?

I don't think he's a tosser. He's provided for his family, he's a good dad, he's presumably successful and liked at work.

The OP needs more from a relationship that a quiet life with someone who doesn't appear to want to spend time with her unless it's in front of the TV. I feel sorry for both of them. I imagine the DH is quite surprised to have a wife who's suddenly building a successful business and out and about in the world, having been at home ironing his shirts for 25 years.

So even when he does do something (filing/finances) he doesn't do it well enough for you, and you feel the need to take over? Then big up what a better job you did of it?

You chose to do this - he didn't make you do this and Still you make a point of how it was better that you did this?

OK. I'm outta here. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for this bloke - he can't do anything right.

This is all about control.

The OP has unilaterally decided her new non negotiable terms from her husband. He is not allowed to subcontract as she has "privacy" requirements, as well as deciding that her husband should sacrifice his free time in order to subsidise their adult working children.

And then she asks "do I have a dud" as if he were a slightly old dodgy washing machine. Nice!

If this thread were written by a male about a female, he would be accused of emotional bullying and controlling behaviour as well as being extremely patriarchal in thinking of his partner as an "it" ("Do I have a dud").

Get a cleaner that he pays for (you said he earns a lot more than you and it's in lieu of him being able to do it himself) - a small amount of time and trouble to find the right person who does it as you would like and then cook 5 days a week for both of you. At the weekend, either book a meal out or see friends or ask him to pick a pizza up. Perhaps if you aren't feeling resentful about the cleaning, the other elements will fall into line - at least give it a try?

Also, when I was a poor graduate I didn't expect my parents to subsidise me - I just got my arse in gear.

SunRaysthruClouds you are right, I am being a bit flippant.

But I stand by my point. He does not seem to be contributing to the practical and emotional parts of a marriage. Putting the bins out and checking the car over is the sum total now the kids are away.

Yes he contributes financially by being in a well paid job and working hard, but he can't even optimise that by fully understanding his own pension arrangements.

I'm sure the husband has many good points - he may have a lovely singing voice or be a champion alligator wrestler - he is just not being very good at meeting the practical and emotional needs of his wife, who I happen to think sounds very together but very upset.

Also, your children are taking the piss if you're subsidising their £800 a month flats in London. No-one I know pays that. Tell them to find a cheaper house, stop paying their rent and get yourself some help.

molly you are being unfair. The trouble with posting is that some things seem unclear unless I go into them in huge detail.

Can I explain to you about the paperwork? I was not being controlling. I was being responsible. If DH was knocked over by a bus, I realised that I knew not as much as I should about his life cover, pension and so on. This is money I'd need to live on if there was ever a tragedy. I had asked him many, many times to let me see the paperwork or at least clarify the level of cover, etc etc- and he never found time to di it.

This paperwork is all our bills and insurances etc. DH often asks me to make phone calls to check certain things as he is at work and can't. The filing was in such a state that I could not find tel nos and necessary paperwork.

I am entitled to half his pension when he dies ( if he dies first) and more of it if he dies within 5 years of retirement. (I am wondering why I am telling strangers all of this ) It is my responsibility to know what is there for me if that were to happen. It's alot of money and I don't want to be one of those "silly little women" who know nothing about their finances until the day their DHs drop dead.

I think I have made it crystal clear that housework etc takes me an hour a day- that includes clearing the dishes , cleaning the topof the cooker, quick run round the bath etc etc- a quick run around with the hoover and anything else that needs doing. I don't care what you do- that is what I do.

One of the OP's children is grown up and has SN. Perhaps the financial support is related to this - it's not uncommon. Unfair to suggest she's prioritising financial support for feckless kids.

I also think paying the bills for 25 years is not a trivial amount of domestic work (as well as the fact he earnt the money to pay them). Until recently, the paperwork had to be opened, paid off (e.g. cheque) and filed.

I agree with ProundnScary that this is about a lack of emotional connection that you feel. He does his own thing a lot, and you would like him to do thing with you e.g. cooking.

But, as a starting point, if you want gratitude and appreciation, you generally have to show it. All his contributions are dismissed, ok, he loved his job, yes but it can still be incredibly stressful doing a job you love, he paid all the bills because they were in his name (what for 25 years?!) but didn't do it correctly, he will help with the housework but only if you ask him, he takes the bins out but then there's mud on the floor...

It sounds like you want to fly the nest, or at least have a romantic partner who comes in, cooks with you and makes a log fire spontaneously all by himself. This is not the partner you have in life, and even if you did get him to do all these things, you actually think he's boring, so what would you talk about over this dinner?

I think your mum is mean by undermining your husband on your wedding day, unless she had massive concerns about your safety, she should have been beaming and supportive.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to move on, I think the financial excuse is just that, an excuse, surely you know you would get half the assets (including a house) and some of his pension.

I think talking with a counsellor together/separately might help you sort out what you want.

Yellow OFGS- I am not paying that for my kids- that is what one of them pays and I don't want to go into all the reasons why it costs that but the obvious reason is they need that location for their job.

okay- am butting out now. Thanks for everyone but I feel I am going over old ground and also giving more away about my family finances etc than I feel comfortable with.

I think you're displaying a fair bit of grace and good humour can'tcook.

Tell us some nice things your husband does, other than checking your car over.

Oh dear GOD with the 'husband's provided for her'. So that's the end of that then, right?

I PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY EXTREMELY WELL AND I STILL DO HOUSEWORK AND DEVOTE TIME TO MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, THIS PERSON DOESN'T.

cantcook, honestly you don't have to keep justifying or explaining your cleaning routine!

It is my responsibility to know what is there for me if that were to happen. It's alot of money and I don't want to be one of those "silly little women" who know nothing about their finances until the day their DHs drop dead.

Hear Hear!

I used to work for a big pensions and insurance company and you have NO IDEA the number of women who are completely ignorant of their financial position until their husband died or left them. It was heartbreaking to have to tell them that they were practically penniless when they had been assured by their husbands they were provided for.

OP was being entirely responsible to get informed.

and she has enabled his career by taking care of the kids (allowing him to travel extensively and do 11 hour days)

Marriages are a partnership and as she has eloquently said many times on this thread, it doesn't feel like that to her, now her kids are not at home and she is trying to rebuild a career.

Thanks enough

I think there are bigger issues than housework here. But I don't understand why you do so much housework or why you won't contemplate a cleaner.

We are also a two adult household and both work FT so we are not there to make much mess. We have a cleaner for 4 hrs a week. She also irons so probably only spends 50-75% of that time cleaning. That is enough to give the (3 bed) house a once over - hoovering, cleaning the kitchen surfaces and sink, cleaning a toilet and two bathrooms. The bath gets a rinse around with the showerhead after each use to prevent rings forming and that's plenty to keep it clean. I consider myself quite fussy too! It just doesn't need more than that.

that is right polly- I have had to put up with the short weekends- he often has to set off on a sunday evening, gets home at midnight off a flight etc etc. and meanwhile I was churning out the shirts, working 4 half days and looking after 2 DCs, one with SN.

Cantcookwontcook... I feel for you greatly. I am in the same position as you and probably even worse actually so all your posts have greatly struck a chord with me. I know what it's like to ask nicely, plead, cajole, rant, shout, sweetly request... to get a OH to do something and then you find that whatever words they might say, they just don't do it. It is so frustrating.

My OH tells friends that I won't LET him cook! What a load of bollocks. What I don't want to do is shop for the ingredients, lay it all out for him, answer endless questions of how he should cook it, disappear for 10 minutes while he does the simplest cooking ever and THEN be grateful for the next year.

Is your OH obstinate? Because if a man gets it in his head he isn't going to do something, it just doesn't happen.

My only suggestion is to make a habit of going out at tea-time (I do work that sometimes takes me over that time) and in the fridge might be a ready made pasta sauce or whatever, and he just has to cook for himself and I don't care what he has because I have eaten lunchtime.

Someone asked 'how much cleaning can there possibly be with only 2 of you?' Well... it all depends on how slobby your OH is, doesn't it... mine is.. very! You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink... I have shown my OH time and time again how to do things, he just acts or is.. incapable so I have given up. Not ideal.

I should be offering you tips to make this better. Unfortunately I have actually given up and don't ask any more and I am VERY resentful about it. Also I still work and he has retired... so there is even more resentment than you! I did get a cleaner and it stopped me walking out. Apart from that, I can only sympathise as opposed to offer any ideas how to make it better.

Oh, and I meant to add... when your children leave home, you examine your marriage a bit more closely, as I did. You suddenly think 'hang on, there are just two people living in this house, it is like two flatmates (that is just an analogy)... would I be doing all the housework if I was living in a flat with another person?!' NO!

The trouble is OP the more you say the less I feel sorry for you. You mentioned in your OP that he is away a lot but here you say "he often has to set off on a sunday evening, gets home at midnight off a flight" so that strikes me as more than 8-7 ie more than 55 h pw. I must admit though churning out the shirts is a tough old job.

The ironing/shirts can be outsourced to a service that does this!!!! There may well be one at the station in commuter towns. No-one loves doing shirts. Or just don't do them and leave them, he'll learn to iron. It's not worth leaving someone over a pile of shirts.

Although it does beg the question how much mess he can make when he's not actually in the country...

To be fair to your DH, he's had a certain life for a very long time and now you're expecting things to change quite dramatically. He has no incentive to change - you clean his house, cook his meals, wash his clothes - he has a life of luxury, why would he want that to change?

I honestly don't understand why so many women put up with being treated like a skivvy for so long and then complain when they end up on a treadmill of drudgery with a husband who doesn't respect them.

I am SAHM but DH does all of the cooking, washes his own clothes, hoovers every weekend, does a lot of DIY and generally cleans up after himself. If I took it upon myself to do all these jobs he would be quite happy to let me, who wouldn't? But I am not his slave, and he knows that.

SAHPs who take on every single job in the house and then complain about it martyr-fashion really get on my tits. Do it willingly or don't do it at all.