DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

[2rebecca]

Agree I can't imagine not getting my husband to help with dinner, peel and chop and grate things. My mum rarely let my dad help though, and her mum never let her husband go in the kitchen. Having said that when my mum died my dad did learn to cook and is now very proud when he bakes a cake or tells us what he has made himself.
When we visit my sibs and I tend to take over the meal planning and preparing bit as dad isn't so good at sorting out food for alot of people.
At first dad just ate ready meals though, the cooking skills just came about gradually when he got bored of ready meals or eating in the pub.
I agree with CinnabarRed about this relationship though.

[CinnabarRed]

Sounds to me like neither of you wants to change. You've ignored ever single labour-saving suggestion put to you, and as you have plenty of leisure time - certainly more than him - could certainly take up a hobby if you actually wanted to.

I really can't see that he's doing anything all that wrong other than being him. He's not a dud, he's not cruel, or lazy, or abusive - he's just not the man you'd like him to be.

Face it, OP. You neither like him nor love him. You're staying with him for financial reasons, pure and simple.

Do the decent thing. End it, so both of you can move on to happier times.

[Mimishimi]

I agree with Napacab. Firstly, you should stop cooking for him, especially on weekends, if it would be going out of your way to cook and you don't feel like doing it. Just fix yourself a salad or whatever it is that you want, and I'm sure he can look after himself. Secondly, don't pick up after him. Clean as you normally would if you were living by yourself.

[LapsusLinguae]

Oh and I'd have to disagree with an earlier poster who said that the thinking/organising only takes 15 mins in a normal house (not sure how often that 15 mins was) but here is a list of household tasks taken from this website.

A lot of that list relates to having DCs at home so not so useful for OP but still goes some way to showing how competely untrivial household organisation is.

BTW OP - why doesn't your DH sit in the kitchen when you prepare meals and then you can chat/he can help/see what you're doing etc. I don't understand the "dinner's ready!" dynamic?

[LapsusLinguae]

cantcookandwont - a few potted thoughts:

Not sure I've see the oft mentioned priciple of "equal leisure time" yet on this thread.

well I obviously have more leisure time - do you?! what are you defining leisure as?

as I don't work 5 days a week every week. The difference is that when I am not in the study working, I tend to do some housework or gardening or shopping. He spends a lot of his leisure time on him apart from doing any heavy DIY which might need doing.

housework/gardening/shopping(for food/household stuff) = "wifework" - therefore these are not leisure activities.

If you think of it like this how is the leisure time balance looking?

Do you have equal access to money and do you both have an equal amount to spend on what ever you want? I picked up on you talking about living off savings when you separated. Are you savings not splits 50/50 and if not why not - especially as you will be a basic rate tax payer.

You talk about not being able to support yourself to the same lifestyle if you split up - but surely the house would be sold and you'd receive some monetary amount in recognition of your caring/SAHM years etc. Perhaps for peace of mind this is something to look at. I am wondering why you didn't at least investigate this whilst separated?

If you had a cleaner (I know you don't want one!) - would this £ come from a joint household pot. I get the feeling that you think you'd be £40 down...

A cleaner could be £9 or £10 and 2 hours would make a difference. I would really recommend that you find a cleaner and give them a trial period to see if all those recommending it are right. This is not imo a "cop out" for your DH - there are other issues - but it sounds like this would give you more time/energy to focus on the business.

Have a look into what expenses you can claim for your home office as tax deductions - you may be able to claim a portion of cleaning if you have clients coming to the house. Personally for me a cleaner doing the basics means that I feel mentally "free-er" and less stressed as I know that certain things are just running smoothly and then if I choose to do more I can or if something comes up work wise that is also ok.

You've had enough feedback on this thread hopefully to "validate" that there others who feel the same about housework. It's not just you. This is your lived experience.


I think you will enjoy reading this article - The Politics of Housework.

[ImperialBlether]

It's not unusual for people to take a long, hard look at their relationship once the children have left home. It's a common time for divorce.

I think what it is you want is to do things together, so you both tackle the house or the cooking at the weekend. It must feel as though he isn't a full partner in the house.

How did you find it when you went away? (Am I right in thinking you posted about this? It sounds familiar.) Did you miss him? As someone up the thread asked, do you long to talk to him? Does he make you laugh? Do you miss him when he's away?

[Pagwaatch]

To be upfront about it, I think he is being an arse and you absoloutely have reason to be annoyed. It is an issue and his refusing to even engage would be a massive problem for me.

But (and I may be totally wrong) your posting sounds like you are finding reasons why he is shit and your life sucks.
You don't sound daft. You sound perfectly capable of understanding that, if he refuses to cook and iron and clean then you just stop doing it for him.

But you just sound like someone who is looking at where you are after 25 years and feeling like you had a crap deal.

My dh is fab but tat is because we have engaged over problems all through our 23 years. I never shut up but silently felt bitter about his behaviour. We talked about it. I get weekends and cooked suppers because we talk and we love each other.. I want him to be happy and that is rarely about how clean I get his shirts.

I absoloutely recognise that I may be totally wrong. But you sound disappointed and looking for a peg to hang that on.

[2rebecca]

Many women manage to combine work, housework and hobbies though, also gardening is a hobby, and housework 1-2 hours a day sounds like hobby rather than necessity with no young kids as well. I think some people just aren't into hobbies, fair enough their leisure time is their own, but I wouldn't like my husband to want me to cook fancy dinners and vaccuum daily rather than go for a run.
I agree this bloke does sound lazy but there should be time for running, work and him doing his own ironing and some housework. The housework needs seriously downsizing though.

[chenin]

^well I obviously have more leisure time as I don't work 5 days a week every week. The difference is that when I am not in the study working, I tend to do some housework or gardening or shopping. He spends a lot of his leisure time on him apart from doing any heavy DIY which might need doing . When I left him my son was still here and he did the cooking. I don't know about HW as I was not here, but they had a mammoth tidy up before I came home.

Left to his own devices he would eat beans on toast or a ready meal. I don't want either of those on a daily basis. There is nothing to stop him buying something really easy to cook like a stir fry or some grilling some fish. My DCs are disgusted with him that he can't cook. DS makes mean roast dinners and very exotic meals. How has he picked this up and not DH?^

I have to say this sounds just like my OH. All his free time is spent on HIM, and a lot of my free time is spent on the house, preparing meals etc. Also when my older children are around they cook for him. My OH just eats eggs and he wouldn't touch a vegetable or a proper meal or unless I was doing it. If he ever says 'let me get tea' that means a takeaway when I don't actually want a takeaway... I want the sort of meal we normally eat.

[2rebecca]

I think she should accept him to take some responsibility in running the home, but if she is going to relinquish responsibility for it he needs to have input into what gets done, rather than her expecting him to do what she wants eg if he is cooking and he's happy with a ready meal they have a ready meal, if it's his turn to sort out bedding and he isn't bothered if the duvet cover is ironed or not it doesn't get ironed.
I agree thought that if the basic relationship was good they could work through these sorts of issues easily. I'm not sure why you came back OP when you left. If you're only there for the money it doesn't sound as though this will last much longer. I'd hate my husband to stay with me for the money.

[Heleninahandcart]

The housework, standards, who works what are not the real issues here. Put simply, the OP feels her DH has been taking her for granted for 25 years. Whilst DC were younger, she accepted this to a degree but would now like to feel valued and have some appreciation in her marriage. This includes him taking some responsibilty for the day to day set up at home. This is not controlling, nor is wanting to be aware of her families finances rather than be kept in ignorance like the little woman.

OP, you will have to get tough with him again. It worked last time, this time you will have to up the stakes, starting asap.

[yellowutka]

Firstly, if you did the major part of the childcare while the kids were at home, this means you certainly need time to (re) establish your working life, aside from hours spent actually doing the work that comes in, and this is not something to do with you, but something to do with being in a family, and so both your responsibilities. Don't underestimate what you do for the household, and don't underestimate what you have done: you have run that household for many years, which is a full-time job while kids are at home. Your husband needs to show engagement, you're right. Stop cooking for him. Cook for yourself if you like. Or just don't. Go out. Start a night-class/yoga and you won't be in at tea time. You don't owe him dinner just because he earns more, you are not an employee. You owe each other respect and love, and it doesn't sound like you're getting that at the moment. [hugs]

[SkinnedAlive]

I feel sorry for you both. I think you need to see a solicitor and work out what you would be entitled to on divorce. You already appear to have a grip on the paperwork so it would not be hard. No, you won't have the same standard of living for a while, but with your business and own earnings you would get by. Maybe you would even be happy :) You are not old and there are men out there that could give you the love you seek.

Its not your husbands fault either. We are all different and when I am working long hours my house is a complete mess and I live on ready meals. I don't do any housework other than essentials such as the dishes - for weeks on end . I am happy that way. If your husband is like that too then he may not notice or appreciate the nice meals, clean sheets, clean floors etc. I certainly wouldn't if I am honest.

If he will not compromise - and it looks like you have tried - then why keep going? You are unhappy and life is too short for that

[GrendelsMum]

Sorry about this, as it does sound like a terrible cliche, but I once read a book about the 'different languages of love'. The idea was that people have very different ways of showing that they love each other - for one person, love is sorting out the car before their partner goes on a long journey, while for another person, it's planning a holiday together, and for someone else, its buying a big bunch of roses. The problem is that couples tend to have different 'languages of love', and so feel that they're doing everything to show they love the other person, and get nothing in return. I wonder whether this is part of the issue with you and your husband?

Having said that, it doesnt sound as though the two of you are really happy together, and you don't seem to have any common interests, so maybe it is just time to call your marriage a day. Would you actually be happier living on your own, in a flat that you can keep very tidy, maybe in the centre of a town so you can go out a lot, go to the theatre, go out for meals with friends, etc? You're both a long way off being elderly, so you might both meet new partners you'd be more suited to?

[warthog]

i think another talk is in order.

have you tried barking out orders ad infinitum? give him a list on saturday morning? i know this is not in the spirit of what you want, but perhaps he lacks the imagination to understand how to implement your vision of your relationship? after a month of doing this perhaps he'd be more confident and could continue on his own.

if this doesn't change there doesn't seem much in the relationship for you does there? if you were to up your hours, do you think you'd be able to afford to live on your own?

perhaps you need to come up with your own 6 month / 1 year plan to become financially independent. sure, you won't have as much as you do now but i imagine you'll be a damn sight happier. you'd be working towards something, the writing would be on the wall for him and while you're busy sorting your business out, your dh might get his act together at last.

[NapaCab]

It's seems to me that this is more about your DH noticing what you do and appreciating that you do it rather than his overall 'laziness'. There's nothing wrong with that. It must be pretty soul-destroying to clean the house and cook a nice meal and not have a word of appreciation. Do you feel like he takes you for granted?

To be honest, he probably does. So going on strike is not the answer because you left before and your son did the cooking. If you left again, he would probably just carry on with his long work hours, trips to the gym and coffees and just have beans on toast or order takeout in the evenings and hire a cleaner. The reality is that the work you do just isn't valuable to him. That must hurt but I think the answer is to just pack in that role you've had over the years because of your DC and start doing your own thing too.

You say you do housework, gardening and cooking in your spare time? It's all very home-based, probably influenced by the fact that you used to have kids and couldn't be out of the house much. Why not take up an out of the house hobby instead? Arrange activities a couple of evenings a week and join a gym, like your husband, or some other sports group and take a leaf out of his book at the weekend. Get out of the house, meet people, have a life of your own.

He doesn't appreciate your work because most likely he doesn't see it as work but just something that you are choosing to do. So stop doing it or else if you continue, do it for yourself because it makes you happy. Stop looking for validation from him.

[Fairenuff]

I work part time and dh works full time but he still does most of the cooking. We do not divide the housework, we both just get on with it when it needs doing. We both do laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening etc. It's never an issue because we help each other out, get it all done and then have time to do more fun stuff.

OP a couple of things you said stand out to me:

He will come home tonight and expect a meal and the washing sorted for next working week.....

He only expects this because you keep doing it for him,. If you want that to change, then change it!

well I obviously have more leisure time as I don't work 5 days a week every week. The difference is that when I am not in the study working, I tend to do some housework or gardening or shopping

Is housework, gardening or shopping leisure time? If not, don't count it. Do you and your dh have equal real leisure time?

[2rebecca]

I think doing all the boring household jobs for 25 years and then changing and making him do some will take time, but can be done.
I agree though that you will have to accept that you choose to do some housework other people may think is unnecessary, for instance I don't iron bedding so if my husband wants ironed bedding he can do it himself as I'm happy with duvets and sheets straight on the bed. The bathroom gets cleaned and floors vaccuumed weekly. No shoes in house so floors rarely need washed. Dusting gets done every few weeks. My husband does his own ironing, but if he didn't want to could pay someone else to do it. If I don't feel like cooking my husband will do it but I then accept i eat what he feels like cooking. if your husband has been working all day it will be something quick as i can't be bothered cooking after work. that is fine there are lots of good Indian and Chinese sauces you can stick some chicken in and have with rice.
You can stop doing everything for him, but you can't turn him into you. If you have to show him how to chop stuff up the first time do it, if he asks aagain just tell him you told him last time.
If you really aren't happy then leave.

[CheerfulYank]

I work 8-noon every day and then some evenings and weekends for a few hours. DH works 60 hour weeks.

Since I am home more, I fully expect to do the bulk of the scrubbing, laundry, cooking, etc, but I won't clean up after him. He is a grown man, he can put his own shoes away and wipe up his own pee dribbles FFS! If I am gone in the weekend for work he will also cook for me and himself, usually just eggs or a pasta dish or something, but he will cook.

[didldidi]

the poor sod's probably too knackered to care less quite frankly.

[CailinDana]

Because your DH doesn't care OP. He's happy to eat ready meals and doesn't want to spend time cooking. He doesn't care that you want him to make you a good meal, he just can't be bothered to put the effort in, clearly.

[cantcookandwont]

well I obviously have more leisure time as I don't work 5 days a week every week. The difference is that when I am not in the study working, I tend to do some housework or gardening or shopping. He spends a lot of his leisure time on him apart from doing any heavy DIY which might need doing . When I left him my son was still here and he did the cooking. I don't know about HW as I was not here, but they had a mammoth tidy up before I came home.

Left to his own devices he would eat beans on toast or a ready meal. I don't want either of those on a daily basis. There is nothing to stop him buying something really easy to cook like a stir fry or some grilling some fish. My DCs are disgusted with him that he can't cook. DS makes mean roast dinners and very exotic meals. How has he picked this up and not DH?

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Two questions OP-

When you left him last year, what did he do about cooking and housework in your absence?

And how much leisure time do you both have on a weekly basis? Is it equal?

[olgaga]

I think Relate would be a good idea. I think if you discussed all this in front of someone else it might make you both think a little more about what you've actually got.

If he has never made you feel special in 25 years, I just don't understand why you think he could suddenly start now.

If he isn't into meal planning, or household management, and you feel sick of it, then surely you can come to some sort of accommodation about that?

Even if it just means cutting your work by half - ie cleaning/cooking every other day, stripping the (one!) bed every other weekend and just do pillowcases the other weekend.

Insist on doing something together one day of every weekend. If he loves you and supports you as you say he does, he's hardly going to mind!

[marjolaine]

I've not actually read it myself but have heard this book Five Love Languages being recommended many many times. It's written by a marriage counselor who identified five different ways that people show love in relationships (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch). It's entirely possible that you and your husband show your affection in completely different ways you appear to equate making dinner or tidying up as love whereas maybe he sees providing as doing so. Might be worth a read you can decide if he is just paying you lip-service or if he really does love you but maybe doesn't demonstrate it in the way you want.

More than anything you need to evaluate if you really do want to stay with him, as you don't sound like you even like him, nevermind love him. There's no point in staying with someone you don't like or love for the money, regardless if he's a tosser or a decent guy.