DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

As others pointed out, if your career was effectively on hold to support the family, he should pay you maintenance should you split.

*Your husband sounds lazy and boring.

He sounds like he has been lazy and boring his whole life.*

Actually I think he sounds like he works damned hard for his family.

My Dad and DH are exactly like your DH. They have given everything to their careers all their working lives - at the expense of spending time with their children, having a social life, making friends. It is incredibly draining to do a high-pressure job carrying great responsibility, no matter how much you enjoy it. Do you think this could be a reason for his 'lack of personality'? I would guess he is quite dynamic at work?

I think that you are expecting him to change as the DCs have gone and you are working now - but really, his life is still the same. You can't expect someone to change overnight (if ever, TBH), so could you not implement small, regular changes, and if he doesn't do something, just let it go? He gives everything to work, and needs a little re-training.

I work 3 days a week but have 2 school age dc stll at home. Dh works 9-5. I consider my 2days as cleaning shopping dog etc days as well as time to meet friends etc. I would not expect dh to start cleaning at weekends, especially if he does bins and DIY etc which can bs big jobs and has been glossed over. I hope to go ft at some point and then I'll a cleaner and divvy up shopping etc more. Luckily i love cooking. I would consider it fine to pursue independent activities at weekends, including just getting my own meal, why don't you?
Sorry but I think yabu to expect him hours on end. It sounds like you're generally sick of domestics, but your dh is not the solution. Get a cleaner or put up with a bit of dirt. It sounds like you don't like him much tbh.

Chocolatchaud - quote from OP:

All he does is go to work. Yes, it's a demanding job but he loves it. It is not stressful as he is in control and he loves the job. The travelling is tiring but he likes what he does when he gets there! he has been with the company for 30 years.

Sounds like he is doing exactly what he wants.

Being professionally and financially successful does not make him a good husband.

Absolutely no reflection on your family members, I'm sure your Dad and DH are much much nicer.

I completely get OP's point that it's the constant micro-managing that is so utterly wearisome. And yes, in an ideal world, her DH would behave like a sensible, caring adult in an equal partnership and just pull his weight a bit - without having to be asked/told every single time.

From my own experience I'd have to conclude that some people just will not, ever, be like this, and won't really change significantly. I suppose you have to weigh up whether there's enough in the relationship for you to be prepared to continue micro-managing - at least he does do some things if you ask.

But yes, it's utterly depressing and frustrating, as well as making you feel seriously unappreciated. I feel for you, OP. Personally I couldn't be bothered about hearts and flowers, I'd much rather DP just noticed things and quietly did them without any fuss.

Sorry deleted a few words there! Meant to put yabu expecting him to clean etc when he works hours on end. Surely he's hardly there to make mess! How does the house get messy?!

enoughshit okay I take your point, but it still sounds like a fairly sapping job at 11 hours a day.

And thank you, my family members are lovely despite their working pressures!

Also, why did your quote go bold and mine didn't?

Chocolatchaud hmmm - I have no idea, you fixed it this time though. I usually preview msgs if I use fancy stuff on them, I can never trust technology.

Why is everyone on this thread still obsessing about the number of times OP cleans her house? This is so not the problem...

I don't understand this thread at all. Why should he change after 25 years? He is not bullying you into doing what you are doing, you choose to do it. If you are not happy, stop doing it and allow him to either employ a cleaner, take you out to a restaurant, or do more around the house. I can see why you do not want to do as much as you are doing but I do not see why you perceive it as your right to tell him how to cover the extra work, whether he does it himself or delegates it. It is not like he has told you not to employ a cleaner or take him to a restuarant.

I do get the feeling you are bored with him and want an out and are choosing to make housework/cooking this huge issue. Of course, people here will go on about this book "Wifework" where the author appears to believe that thinking about housework is a mammoth task in itself. I could see that where the wife ran a huge estate in the country and the husband was constantly entertaining but, in most houses, the thought processes can be carried out in 15 mins tops, with the aid of a diary.

Do you want a pragmatic solution? Discuss with your husband what is a fair division of the work. Do what you have agreed and allow him to cover his share however he wants.

Have you both discussed when he retires?

Okay. Points taken, thanks!

I am being honest when I said some posts back that there are other underlying issues re. compatability. I accept that. But the day to day dross gets me down because it builds resentment. It's chicken and egg- if DH was arranging nice times for us, then I'd scrub every floor- twice a day. Joking. If DH helped a bit more at home I'd be less resentful and not be wanting hearts and flowers. But you get my point. I have fun with friends but not enough with DH.

DH loves his job. He says he is very lucky to have a job where he has autonomy, is respected and which pays reasonably well- not talking tel. nos. BTW.

I just feel that apart from doing things with the DCs- which he did- he has opted out of so many things in our marriage.

For example: he deals with most bills simply because when we married he already had a house so the bills were in his name. He was in charge of filing all our paperwork for the same reasons. Recently, I felt I needed to get on top of all the paperwork and tackle the filing as it was a mess. I spent days- literally- going through old stuff he ought to have cleared out 15 years back. I also arranged for us to have a financial make over so we could plan for retirement and see how best to invest our savings. ALL of this was initiated by me. During that make over it became evident that he did not know as much as he ought to about his pension, and our joint assets. It also transpired he had a savings account that he had forgotten about!

And- he has held onto very old accounts for his savings where the interest rates are nil. I meanwhile change mine as often as I can to get the best deals.

I may sound as if I don't like him much and that's right. He is a good, kind man and he does do caring things like checking my car over before I go on a long journey- all of his own volition. But he does not make me feel really special- something my dear mum picked up on and said on my wedding day

I am absolutely amazed at some of these responses.

Speechless.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to expect him to do 25% of the bloody housework OP!

As for 'incredibly draining to do high powered job' - pah!!!!

I am FT working mum in high powered, highly paid job. I still do 30/40% of the houseword (no cleaner, fabulous at home husband), cook for my dh on weekends (I'm a shit cook so he generally begs me not to and we go out for dinner!). We respect each other and make time for each other and appreciate all the other one does whether it's bring in money, cook, take kids out blah blah blah.

No bloody way would I spend my weekend doing my own thing and playing the 'I work all week for this family' card.

I really, really feel for you OP. I don't know how you can change him though..

Awww I really do feel for you - X posted with you. Read my post - you have my support!

Thanks proud . I have friends whose DHs earn half a million, and spend 75% of their time travelling overseas yet they still rustle up a dinner at weekend, build sheds in their lunch breaks and arrange lovely weekends away for their wives. Have I just got a dud?

Sorry but I have to laugh:
"But he does not make me feel really special- something my dear mum picked up on and said on my wedding day"

It's taken you quite a long time to decide that you don't like that trait in your H.

a lot of the people on this site have a very "jackie" (giving away my age there) attitude to marriage. Expecting someone to sweep them off their feet and make romantic gestures for many decades. The problem is that it is the children who suffer when the reality does not live up to the fantasy.

There's no point comparing your relationship to your friends'. You have no idea how things really are behind closed doors.

You need to sort this. How likely do you think it will be that he will change? If he's never made you feel special, do you think he could start? I do have some experience of this, my partner works bloody long hours and it drives me mad but he loves his job and it's important to him. Sometimes, though, he's so knackered that he doesn't show he appreciates me and I know how horrible that feels. He makes up for it by being lovely at other times. Does your husband do this? Does he ever buy you nice things, even just picking up your favourite bar of chocolate?

So you split up or you stay together. You say you don't want a cleaner, but I don't see why not. He works all the hours God sends, so I'm assuming he's on a decent enough wage. If it helped you stay together, what's the issue?

Sorry, yes, it sounds like you have a dud.

It could be worse, he could be a lying, cheating, drinking, wife-beating dud, but he's still a dud.

You sound great OP, you can come over and sort out my finances any time!

So to summarise:

• You are building a successful business.
• You have great friends who you have fun with.
• You are highly organised and knowledgeable.
• You are hard working and motivated.

It really sounds like you could build a happy and successful life without him.

If this was a movie that's how I would like it to end (appreciate real life is a little more complicated).

Frankly enoughshit that's bollocks

Unless you were joking?

Hard to tell on a screen sometimes

enough you forgot 2 things:

• I am gorgeous to look at.
• I am hot in bed

What are you talking about SunRaysthruClouds? You don't think the OP could be alone?

Stop it I will want to marry you myself.

(I do my own ironing, is that good enough for you?)

I'm sure she could be

It's more the 'she's great he's a tosser' pov that I struggle with

You don't like him very much at all do you. However, there are aspects of your postings that appear to show that you are quite controlling yourself.
Recently you felt the need to go through 15 years of back paperwork that he had already dealt with. He has an old account that wasn't earning as much iinterest as possible, but you check yours all the time so that you get the very best rates. Oh yes, you found out that you knew more about his pension than he did. What is wrong with you ??
You do seem obsessed with cleaning - there are only 2 of us in mu house at the moment and I have solid floors in my hall and kitchen, but they need sweeping a couple of times a week, mopping once and it takes only a few minutes (and my house is a fair size, can clean 2 bathrooms thoroughly - 10 to 16 minutes each max, once a week, rest of time a quick wipe round after use, takes a minute or so, hoovering through, twice a week, ten minutes each up and down).
If you want to go out TELL HIM, arrange it - after all you like to make sure you are on top of things. When he goes out at the week end GO WITH HIM.
He works 11 hour days and is kind to you - he helps you when asked . Stop twittering on about 'micro-managing' - if you don't like it move on and then you can both get on with your own lives before you become even more bitter