DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

[Enoughshitalready]

Helliebean - hugs

[cantcookandwont]

Christ "Cailin* - don't you feel a bit guilty? How can you sit back and let your DH do all of that after I assume he has had a long day at work? I know looking after DCs is hard work but if your DH works then he is doing 2 jobs to your 1!

[CailinDana]

My DH works 8-4 Mon-Fri, so the hours aren't particularly long. He chooses to cook as he enjoys it, and apart from that I don't think he has a very heavy workload in terms of housework. Hoovering takes approximately 40 minutes each weekend, washing his clothes takes another hour or so between loading, unloading, drying and putting away so all in all I don't think it's too much to ask. I wash mine and DS's clothes, change bedclothes, clean the bathroom and kitchen, dust, hoover during the week, do the shopping and general tidying on top of looking after a very active, demanding toddler. He considers it fair. I don't think I expect him to do more than what you're asking your DH to do.

[cantcookandwont]

I think you are for a start I am not asking mine to cook every day- just once a week would be a good start, at a weekend.

Also- I work. Some weeks it can be full time if I have lots on, other weeks it can be 3 days- it varies.

[yellowraincoat]

OP, I'm sorry you took my post in the wrong way, I'm just throwing out suggestions for how you can improve your situation.

At the end of the day, would your husband even care that the house was clean or not? Does he have your standards? Or are you doing it for you? Cos if you're only cleaning cos you like it to be clean, it's a bit unfair to expect him to constantly pitch in.

[CailinDana]

Fair enough can't. We're happy with how things are.

[cantcookandwont]

yellow- we do have differing standards- that is true. I am not fanatical as I keep saying. I do less HW than anyone I know TBH.

It makes a difference that I am in the house most of the day- working. If I came home at 7pm, had my dinner, watched TV then went to bed I would not notice it as much.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want an equal partnership. When the DCs were younger, I felt DH was more engaged in family life as he'd help with them. Now they have gone, I feel that some of that time and attention should be put into me and doing things together such as cooking s simple meal with him in the kitchen, chopping or at least talking to me while I cook!

If I suggest he helps- or he offers- he is just useless- he will ask how many carrots we need, how to chop broccoli, or how to....whatever. And you know what? I have saved the best till last His dad ( now dead) was a chef Lol!

It's about togetherness not the sodding dust or the shirts- but about being a team.

[ASByatt]

• But Cailin has a toddler to look after?
  

Must admit OP, I found your response to Cailin's post quite funny - not getting at you here - and I did wonder if it was meant ironically, given what some people have said to you about your DH's long hours etc.

I work part-time. DH does all of our cooking - he enjoys it (I do not) and is a fabulous cook (I am not!). The days I am not working, I do housework/shopping etc although I also volunteer at our DC's school. When we are both at home, so evenings/weekends, we split what needs doing between us. I can't really imagine any other way of doing things, or indeed any other way of deciding who does what.

It sounds as if OP and her DH are at one of those real crossroads stages in life, classic empty nest stuff. Like some other posters, I wonder if counselling would help to talk things through and perhaps help OP's DH to realise that things can't keep tootling along in the same way - or not if OP is going to be happy, anyway.

[PeppaIsBack]

TBH I think the OP's DH is really really not on.
I have done that sort of jobs where you travel a lot, take a flight on the sunday evening, come back home at midnight and still be at work at 8.00am the day after. Depending on what you are doing this is the job.

And you know what, I was living on my own at the time andf then with soon to be H. I still cooked the meal, did some HW and talked to my H. Actually I still found enough time and energy to invest in our relationship that we got married.

So all that stuff about 'poor him who is travelling, working long hours etc..' so shouldn't be cooking or HW is just a lot of crap. If he was on his own, he would have to get on with it (and would managed I am sure!).

can'tcook, when my H had 'checked out' our marriage, twos things helped.

1- was to take some distance and stop feeling responsible for his stuff. I would do what I needed (like ironing my stuff), do his stuff at the same time (so ironing his shirts if they were in the basket) but not going the extra miles to ensure that all his hsirts were washed, dried and in the basket for Sunday eve when I am doing the ironing. That is make sense? I did the level of HW that I was comfortable with and leave the rest.
Now, as in any relationship, there are stuff he didn't like and I wasn't bothered so at some point he had to take action.

2- I told him he had to change or i would leave. I really meant it and I also pointed out there was a timescale to it, I wasn't going to wait forever for him to do something about it. Not talking about HW here but about being engaged in the relationship. I told him about 2 things that he really needed to work on and then left him to it. No comment, no pressure just waiting for him to take the initiative. I think that because he knew I would leave if he wasn't doing something, he had to make a choice. His choice was to try and save a our marriage. Your H might choosethe first option or the other option but then you would have your answer: your H isn't that bothered about the realtionship. On his pov it is dead, so what would be the point of carrying on?

HTP

[Bonsoir]

I don't see why you don't get some more paid domestic help...

[PeppaIsBack]

OP, if he is playing the card 'I am useless, I need so much help' leave the room and let him get on with it. No comment (there is no need as he is perfectly capable) and then come back at the end and say thank you!

[PeppaIsBack]

Bonsoirt that's not the point is it? The issue here is that the Op doesn't feel value and important in the eyes of her H. She feels more like a 'domestic helper' that cooks and iron shirts.

[Hattytown]

I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about financial security as you get older, but it does sound as though that's why you're staying in your marriage, rather than for love reasons. The lack of means to support yourself was the first thing you mentioned, at the prospect of you parting. It also sounds as though you've had a backtrack whirring along throughout your marriage that he wasn't what you were looking for and would never live up to your ideals.

I don't know how honest you've been with him about all that (I'm sure he must sense it) but it seems obvious he hasn't been honest with you about his true feelings for you. He says he loves you, but doesn't show it. You say you love him, but it doesn't come across like that in your posts.

It seems odd that you returned from your thinking time when you'd had reports that nothing much had changed in your absence and your son had felt it necessary to step in look after a grown man. It sounds like you were struggling to support yourself while you were away, so did you come back for financial reasons?

Maybe you both need to be honest with one another about why you're really staying in this marriage and decide whether that's the life you choose?

[Hattytown]

'to look after a grown man'

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

He does it because he can.
Why should he change.

Sounds like you feel guilty asking him so when he objects you back down.

[marjolaine]

I've not actually read it myself but have heard this book Five Love Languages being recommended many many times. It's written by a marriage counselor who identified five different ways that people show love in relationships (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch). It's entirely possible that you and your husband show your affection in completely different ways you appear to equate making dinner or tidying up as love whereas maybe he sees providing as doing so. Might be worth a read you can decide if he is just paying you lip-service or if he really does love you but maybe doesn't demonstrate it in the way you want.

More than anything you need to evaluate if you really do want to stay with him, as you don't sound like you even like him, nevermind love him. There's no point in staying with someone you don't like or love for the money, regardless if he's a tosser or a decent guy.

[olgaga]

I think Relate would be a good idea. I think if you discussed all this in front of someone else it might make you both think a little more about what you've actually got.

If he has never made you feel special in 25 years, I just don't understand why you think he could suddenly start now.

If he isn't into meal planning, or household management, and you feel sick of it, then surely you can come to some sort of accommodation about that?

Even if it just means cutting your work by half - ie cleaning/cooking every other day, stripping the (one!) bed every other weekend and just do pillowcases the other weekend.

Insist on doing something together one day of every weekend. If he loves you and supports you as you say he does, he's hardly going to mind!

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Two questions OP-

When you left him last year, what did he do about cooking and housework in your absence?

And how much leisure time do you both have on a weekly basis? Is it equal?

[cantcookandwont]

well I obviously have more leisure time as I don't work 5 days a week every week. The difference is that when I am not in the study working, I tend to do some housework or gardening or shopping. He spends a lot of his leisure time on him apart from doing any heavy DIY which might need doing . When I left him my son was still here and he did the cooking. I don't know about HW as I was not here, but they had a mammoth tidy up before I came home.

Left to his own devices he would eat beans on toast or a ready meal. I don't want either of those on a daily basis. There is nothing to stop him buying something really easy to cook like a stir fry or some grilling some fish. My DCs are disgusted with him that he can't cook. DS makes mean roast dinners and very exotic meals. How has he picked this up and not DH?

[CailinDana]

Because your DH doesn't care OP. He's happy to eat ready meals and doesn't want to spend time cooking. He doesn't care that you want him to make you a good meal, he just can't be bothered to put the effort in, clearly.

[didldidi]

the poor sod's probably too knackered to care less quite frankly.

[CheerfulYank]

I work 8-noon every day and then some evenings and weekends for a few hours. DH works 60 hour weeks.

Since I am home more, I fully expect to do the bulk of the scrubbing, laundry, cooking, etc, but I won't clean up after him. He is a grown man, he can put his own shoes away and wipe up his own pee dribbles FFS! If I am gone in the weekend for work he will also cook for me and himself, usually just eggs or a pasta dish or something, but he will cook.

[2rebecca]

I think doing all the boring household jobs for 25 years and then changing and making him do some will take time, but can be done.
I agree though that you will have to accept that you choose to do some housework other people may think is unnecessary, for instance I don't iron bedding so if my husband wants ironed bedding he can do it himself as I'm happy with duvets and sheets straight on the bed. The bathroom gets cleaned and floors vaccuumed weekly. No shoes in house so floors rarely need washed. Dusting gets done every few weeks. My husband does his own ironing, but if he didn't want to could pay someone else to do it. If I don't feel like cooking my husband will do it but I then accept i eat what he feels like cooking. if your husband has been working all day it will be something quick as i can't be bothered cooking after work. that is fine there are lots of good Indian and Chinese sauces you can stick some chicken in and have with rice.
You can stop doing everything for him, but you can't turn him into you. If you have to show him how to chop stuff up the first time do it, if he asks aagain just tell him you told him last time.
If you really aren't happy then leave.

[Fairenuff]

I work part time and dh works full time but he still does most of the cooking. We do not divide the housework, we both just get on with it when it needs doing. We both do laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening etc. It's never an issue because we help each other out, get it all done and then have time to do more fun stuff.

OP a couple of things you said stand out to me:

He will come home tonight and expect a meal and the washing sorted for next working week.....

He only expects this because you keep doing it for him,. If you want that to change, then change it!

well I obviously have more leisure time as I don't work 5 days a week every week. The difference is that when I am not in the study working, I tend to do some housework or gardening or shopping

Is housework, gardening or shopping leisure time? If not, don't count it. Do you and your dh have equal real leisure time?

[NapaCab]

It's seems to me that this is more about your DH noticing what you do and appreciating that you do it rather than his overall 'laziness'. There's nothing wrong with that. It must be pretty soul-destroying to clean the house and cook a nice meal and not have a word of appreciation. Do you feel like he takes you for granted?

To be honest, he probably does. So going on strike is not the answer because you left before and your son did the cooking. If you left again, he would probably just carry on with his long work hours, trips to the gym and coffees and just have beans on toast or order takeout in the evenings and hire a cleaner. The reality is that the work you do just isn't valuable to him. That must hurt but I think the answer is to just pack in that role you've had over the years because of your DC and start doing your own thing too.

You say you do housework, gardening and cooking in your spare time? It's all very home-based, probably influenced by the fact that you used to have kids and couldn't be out of the house much. Why not take up an out of the house hobby instead? Arrange activities a couple of evenings a week and join a gym, like your husband, or some other sports group and take a leaf out of his book at the weekend. Get out of the house, meet people, have a life of your own.

He doesn't appreciate your work because most likely he doesn't see it as work but just something that you are choosing to do. So stop doing it or else if you continue, do it for yourself because it makes you happy. Stop looking for validation from him.