DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

[QuintessentialyHollow]

If I was working 11 hours per day, being the main earner, and also had to travel a lot, and my part time working partner asked me to share the housework, I would also laugh.

[didldidi]

If he's working 11 hour days, travelling and being away for days at a time he's hardly there to make any mess let alone the amount you seem to be cleaning up after! I'm not surprised he's not contributing much to the housework.

[3littlefrogs]

Do you love each other?

[QuintessentialyHollow]

Op, you are in the home, you work from home. Why on earth do you expect him to come home and clean up after you?

It is not like he is asking you to go to his workplace and clean up his office or his desk.

[jenny60]

Why is it always the woman's fault and her responsibility to sort things out via hiring a cleaner, lowering her standards, telling him what to do etc.... FFS, he's a grown up who laughed at her suggestion that she does 75% of the work. That must be fair by anyone's standards.

[Anniegetyourgun]

If she wasn't there he'd have to do 100% of it, however many hours he worked.

[didldidi]

yes but he's hardly there and doesn't really care so would have bugger all to do and earns enough to get takeaways if necessary!

[Lueji]

This has been going on for a long time and you have come back on a promise.

He won't change.

If you are really serious about it, you give him the list and leave if he doesn't pull his weight.

Having said that I agree that you may need to lower standards a little bit or should get a cleaner.

I found that it helped OH to do something while I was doing something else. Or to have a "house chores time" when we both worked together. That way you could ease him into doing his share.

[Hattytown]

I expect you left him for reasons other than this, didn't you? And I imagine that these grievances are symptomatic of deeper issues in your marriage? I expect he's got his own grievances and dissatisfactions, but he won't articulate them in an open way and so this is his way of telling you what he feels about you and your marriage.

I think what this comes down to is that he simply doesn't care enough. Losing you didn't produce the intended effect. If it had he would have changed and he wouldn't have started ridiculing you.

This shows that he is prepared to lose you for good and also that he doesn't think you'll ever really follow through on leaving him permanently. Maybe he's right too?

[Hattytown]

Just to add that in fairness, I think these grievances could be masking your dissatisfactions with him and your marriage as well, but perhaps you've told him what these are?

[larrygrylls]

I think this is one of those threads where it is too easy to blame the husband. He clearly had an understanding of his role which has been agreed over 20+ years. He worked hard to bring in money and in return the OP managed the home. Now the situation has changed and he is unwilling to change. The pragmatic solution is for the OP to do what she is happy to and leave the rest for him to do OR to employ a cleaner if he chooses.

It strikes me that the OP is deliberately martyring herself by giving money which they clearly cannot afford to their grown up working children. There is no need to work like a slave doing housework to subsidise grown adults in full time jobs. If the OP chooses to do this, she should make it a positive choice and not complain about the consequences.

Retirement and children leaving home is one of the commonest times for couples to divorce as it entails a renegotiation of roles and also seeing a lot more of one another.

[cantcookandwont]

okay. Deep breath....

The hours of work I mentioned- mine- are an average. I don't want to out myself by saying what my work is. But I could sit at the pc all day trying to generate work ( it's in the creative field). The time I spend on work at the moment is doing the work I have managed to bring in. On top of that, I need to be in constant touch with current and new clients, trying to get more work. This is very demanding because if I don't put myself out there, the work doesn't come to me, Simple as that. Everything I earn is generated by me- as it does when you are self employed.

I don't have high standards when it comes to housework. But due to the layout of the house, the hall and kitchen floors needing hoovering and wiping over ( wood and ceramic) almost daily.

Cleaning the bathroom twice a week is not OTT- we both have a shower and bath morning & night and I for one don't want to get into a grubby bath! I do the bath, basin and loo 2 or 3 x a week, and clean the floor once a week.

Bedroom and living areas are hoovered and dusted once a week or less.

I cook from scratch every night as I have various food allergies, but no, the meals can be very simple and often are.

I do ask him to help- I'll say "Please help me change the bed" or "Please hoover the stairs". He does it without quibbling but my point is that I am micro-managing it all. He doesn't see what needs doing.

I am happy to do more chores than him because I have more time. What I am not happy about is doing 100% of it- and not having any thanks or appreciation for it. I don't get any satisfaction from cleaning- it IS a chore and there are other things I'd rather do.

[larrygrylls]

Stop subsidising your grown adult children and get a cleaner. Good for you, your work, your marriage AND your children.

[olgaga]

I think you're on a hiding to nothing here, trying to get him to do housework after a full week of working long hours.

In my view you're doing far too much unnecessary housework. No wonder it's doing your brain in.

You don't need to vacuum the downstairs every day, bathrooms are fine if they are cleaned once, not twice a week. There are only two of you, for heaven's sake!

Stop cooking every meal from scratch, just do that when you feel like it. Get more ready meals and make sure the fridge is stocked with salads and stuff you can both prepare quickly and easily, and go out for meals or get takeaways more often.

Laundry you have to do anyway, for yourself. If he is ironing his own shirts - what else are you ironing? I choose fabrics carefully, and dry clothes on hangers on a hanging rail with a dehumidifier to dry them. They don't need ironing that way. I don't iron anything at all except the odd pair of jeans/trousers when they are wet. Linen and towels go in the tumble dryer.

Why not work in the evening, or do evening classes a couple of times a week instead of stopping to cook a meal from scratch? If you could stop being such a martyr to the housework, you would have more time to grow your business, and do more stuff with your husband like go out for meals, or just relax and watch TV together instead of simmering with resentment about it all.

[Lueji]

He doesn't see what needs doing.

I thin you'll find that's a common complaint.

One way is to get him to do some of those things until they become routine.

For two people you don't have to cook from scratch every day. You can do larger batches and reheat.

And get a cleaner.

[olgaga]

Well reading your last post it seems to have boiled down to just the cleaning being an issue.

You either have get a cleaner, or relax your own standards! As you say - he's not going to notice.

[shelscrape]

If you're cleaning the bathroom 3 times a week you need a cleaner. I give it a good going over once a week, with superficial wipes mid week. My mantra is that if it is tidy people will be conned into thinking it's clean, but if you concentrate on clean it doesn't necessarily look clean - I have a SIL who cleans like a maniac, but her house is an utter mess. I'd much rather be tidy than clean if you know what I mean. Lower your standards on the bathroom front.

I had sort of similar problems with DH about 6 years ago. DS was a baby, I was back at work, DH worked FT and was in the reserve forces and away 2 nights a week and 3 weekends out of 4. I know, a bit different to you, but the outcome was the same, I did the whole flipping lot - child, shopping, cooking and cleaning. that's when I said sod it to clean and embraced tidy. DH was told if he couldn't be around to support me he had to get the cleaner sorted and pay for it. One lesson I learned was that you need to stop saying "please" or your DH will think he is doing you a favour. Just say, I'm off to hoover the sitting room, you wash and change the sheets on the bed. Be assertive and clear - he'll get the message in the end.

[cantcookandwont]

It is a bit laughable that some of you say he can't make any mess because he is at work.

This is what he leaves me to do:

clear his breakfast dishes- and last night's dinner dishes usually unless one of us ( me) stacks the dish washer the night before.

clean the loo (s) after he has peed on it ( lid up, granted but still dribbles there!) Ditto the floor- dribbles.

clean the shower and wash basin after he has used it and left the basin full of blobs of toothpaste.

clean the hall after he has walked in and muddy prints on pale wood floor.

clean the utility room after he has been in and out emptying bins- he fails to see the muddy floor even when pointed out.

cleaning up his dead skin scales- DUST- which comes off everyone and is in the bedroom etc.

So it's a bit daft to say that because he works, he doesn't make any mess. I don't make any mess in that sense as I sit in the study all day long, using the pc apart from going into the kitchen to make food for my lunch!

There are underlying resentments which are a "togetherness" related. We don't have as much in common as I'd like, and I always knew this. In addition he is a quiet man whereas I am more outgoing and chatty.

The lack of contribution to the HW etc is really about a lack of bonding and pulling together as a unit, as well as the actual cleaning.

I am not maoning about having to help the DCs now and again with some cash- I don't want to give all the details here but I am not being a martyr- it's just a simple fact. I also have a privacy issue with cleaners- working from home there is lot of paperwork lying around and I just don't want the intrusion.

[shelscrape]

I agree with the privacy issue - I used to work in a rather sensitive area. When I knew cleaner was coming, everything work related was locked away in advance. if you are in the study - just tell the cleaner not to clean in the study and to leave you alone. I'm not defending his actions, I agree he needs to do more. If you feel unable to address it face on with him and it causes you so much pain and he continues to laugh it off I'm sorry but I think it's just going to keep going round in circles

[cantcookandwont]

I am a bit that most people here are happy to get into a grubby bath it seems! I don't have OCD- honest- but the bath does need a quick swish out and the basin too every couple of days. I don't do the floor or anything more than once a week.

The money for DCs is a red herring. It's not something relevant here and without you knowing all the details which are complicated, you can't know what's behind it.

But that is not the point. I don't want a cleaner. I don't like the invasion of a strnager and TBH we can manage the cleaning between us- all it needs is DH to offer to do something for an hour at a weekend.

It's the cooking that gets me down- not the actual cooking itself but the responsibility of always having to think what to have ...and never having a night off .

I just think it shows a lack of engagement in our relationship.

[steamedtreaclesponge]

I'm amazed at some of the responses on this thread. I don't think you're asking for too much at all; he's a grown-up, not a child, and he should be able to clean up after himself.

I think the key thing here is that you came back after he promised to change. He hasn't. It doesn't sound like he respects you, or that you have much in common or enjoy each other's company - are you actually getting anything out of this relationship other than a lot of mess to clear up?

[Hardgoing]

I am not quite sure what you are going to get trying to get him to change (except to realise he won't change).

You want to renegotiate the deal you had (he worked long hours, with a commute, and away from home and you stayed home).

He does help if asked, but you want him, after an 11 hour day, to start dusting or planning meals. It just isn't going to happen (I work f/t and away and I certainly don't do anything like the housework you suggest).

I think you have to accept that you like a nice tidy house, do more housework than other people (note this has been said several times on this thread) so much of what you are doing is for yourself, not for him. I also can't quite believe that two people make so much mess in one day that you need to clean as much as you do.

To stop you feeling like a skivvy, stop doing his washing and ironing. He can decide if he wants nice clean shirts etc. Or send them out and get him to pay for that.

But, you've asked him to change, you left him to underline your point, and he still hasn't changed.

I don't think he wants to spend his life running a household. I don't either, which is why my house is quite messy and we eat very quick meals. My husband does washing/buys a pizza on the weekend, neither of us likes housework and we have lowered our standard accordingly.

[sunshineandbooks]

cantcook what you are asking for from your DH is perfectly reasonable. Many couples end up with a domestic labour imbalance for exactly the reasons you've given about childcare, part-time work, etc. That's normal and common and because it is, few people question it and it continues. However, that doesn't make it fair, and now that you've questioned it, your DH cannot use ignorance as an excuse.

I'd recommend you reading this book because it will help you articulate what you want him to understand. Then he cannot pretend to not 'get' it.

[Hattytown]

You don't love this man, do you?

[cestlavielife]

get a cleaner .
he works long hours why would he want to clean on weekends?

do something for yourself that is not work related.

use one bathroom just for you which you keep clean - make him use the other bathroom and take no responsibility for it. if he wants to shower in much so be it.

meals - well just cook for yourself and go out somewhere after.