DH can't and won't cook and won't do housework. AIBU?

[cantcookandwont]

Sorry this may be long.....

DH and me been married 25 years and DCs just left home. For all of our marriage my career has taken 2nd place because no matter how far I got with it, I'd never have earned what DH did- so I always worked p/t and did 90% housework & 100% cooking. I did find this hard because up to when I married at 30, I'd been a professional independent woman.

Now though I have launched a new freelance career which is notoriously competitive. It's still part time and I work from home. I DO have work that pays (I am earning around £1200 a month for us) but in addition I am generating contacts and trying to get work, so I can do as much or as little of that as I want. On an average week I probably work 3 full days spread over 5 days, but sometimes it's more than that. DH works longer hours- 8-7pm, travels both UK and overseas.

I still expect to do most of the domestic stuff BUT now that we are on our own I anticipated him doing more. He does nothing. He does no housework and no cooking or planning of meals. I feel as if I am his servant. I am not fanatical about housework- I maybe do 1-2 hrs a day which is a quick hoover downstairs, doing the dishwasher, loading the washer and pegging out, mopping the kitchen floor 2-3 times weekly, and the bathrooms 1-2 times a week -plus cooking a meal from scratch. I have now stopped ironing his shirts.

My biggest bugbear is how I have to plan, shop and cook everything. I have asked him until I am blue in the face to cook one meal at a weekend ( it could even be a semi-ready meal) but he never does- it's always "Next week I'll do it". He doesn't offer to take me out for a meal- I have dresses that are unworn because we rarely go out and if we do I have to suggest it.

Apart from wheeling out the bin, and any necessary DIY, he does nothing. A couple of weeks ago I suggested we had a list of household chores - 75% mine and the rest his. He just laughed and said it was ridiculous.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't see cleaning up muck as "my role" any more- we both make it and should both clear it up. But given his hours of work I wonder if IABU? And I can't afford, or want, a cleaner.

Any ideas?

[cantcookandwont]

I do feel I am a housekeeper.

He constantly says he loves me.

We don't have oodles of fun. He is not a "fun" person, nor does he have dreams or goals. When we realised recently how much of a lump sum we would get when he retires, I was really thrilled and making all kinds of mental plans. He simply shelved it all and said he'd think about it later. I was dreaming about buying a little cottage or giving the kids a leg up the property ladder early etc etc. He had no such ideas and it just made me sad. Sometimes I think he just doesn't have enough about him in terms of personality to interest me- and that sounds so horrible.

It's just so odd. If for example I say to him I'd love to put the fire on- which makes the lounge all cosy- he will get the wood etc if I ask him. But he would never suggest lighting the fire in the first place, to create some ambience, and so we can snuggle up together. Does that make sense?

I just feel that I drive everything in our relationship and he does nothing except go to work.

He does support my career and keeps saying how proud he is of me- it's something that puts me in the public eye, which is why I am being a bit careful with what I say.

I can't imagine life without him- for a start I don't earn enough to support myself and I might have to throw away the business I am building up and take a more secure type of work- but I am not happy with things as they are.

[BTGTT]

Words are cheap. It's people's actions which matter.

[Hattytown]

When you left before though, I assume you thought it was final and that you would be supporting yourself? What would be the difference now?

[3littlefrogs]

There is a lot of truth in the old saying "opposites attract".

He isn't ever going to be exactly like you. However, you must have had some shared interests, hopes and dreams when you first met and married.

I think you have a communication problem and you need to sit down and be honest with each other.

It is all about give and take, and expectations of each other.

Sometimes you really need to spell things out though. He sounds like a person who lives very much in the here and now, and is absorbed in work related stuff. Maybe he isn't much of a talker?

You both owe it to the other to make time to sit down and really talk. Be honest, tell him everything, explain, then listen.

It isn't unusual after 25 years to reassess your relationship. Communication and honesty is key.

[BTGTT]

He is NEVER going to be exactly what you are looking for. And to an extent that's the way it is - but, if you love and care about someone, you should make some effort in life.

But, I hope, for your sake, that you can 'together' work out a way forward so you are happier.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

Hardgoing said everything I was trying to express, but 20 times better!
He might feel as if his job and the fact he was the sole breadwinner for so long is proof of how he feels for you.
You're talking a lot about what he dooesn't do, but I'd guess if other things were different the housework thing might not be more than a minor (justified) winge.

[cantcookandwont]

hardgoing I do understand what you are saying and I am willing to compromise. I do appreciate his hard work BUT he would have done that anyway even if he was not with me.

I did work p/t once my DD was a year old so only had about 3 years as a SAHM. My DS has special needs so I didn't want to delegate child care and we had no family near- so working p/t- I used to to do 4 mornings- was best for all of us.

Coming back to my original points- I don't think I am asking too much, to expect a DH to do something to contribute to the house/meals. I am not his Mum ( who obviously didn't train him) or his housekeeper.

It's about doing things together to make us feel a team. I feel we should muck in together - not me cook away on my own and call him- as if he is a child- when it's ready on the table. I hate that.

But it is also about the quality of our relationship and I know there is a question mark over it.

[BTGTT]

OP - can you talk to him and tell him you're feeling lonely in your relationship and the two of you are not as close as you'd like to be generally.

[BarbarianMum]

So has he always been like that?

In my marriage, no matter who is working what hours or earning what, my role is to bring some variety and excitement into our lives - booking holidays, planning days out, arranging our social life - my dh doesn't do/has never done these things. But he has other positive qualities and I enjoy doing these things so it doesn't matter.

If in the future it did matter and I wanted dh to do some of these things then I'm sure he could learn but it would never be spontaneous for him.

[Lueji]

You need to sit and talk about the real issues on your last two paragraphs.

[BarbarianMum]

PS. But what you are asking (from him) is not unreasonable.

[cantcookandwont]

We have had a lot of discussion already. It's 3 months since I came back from my time away- which was thinking time, not a permanent split. I lived off savings then and managed to pay my way- just- with work.

He has never been any good at suggesting things to do, or injecting any fun into our lives. When we met it was through a mutual friend, so our early days were spent as part of a group, which eventually moved on when people got married and had kids etc. It was then that I realised we had been carried by the group and left to our own devices, it was me who was going to have to arrnage things for us to do. He will suggest things now and then- we often go to art exhibitions which are a mutual interest.

But I have to admit that I'd like him to be more proactive and inject some fun into our lives. We are both young at heart , and look and behave like people in their 40s, not 50s- so we aren't totally past it yet!

[didldidi]

To be harsh - his work is his life. I wouldn't be surprised if he was pretty depressed when he retires. He loves you in the sense that he would be lost without you running his life and house.

[olgaga]

After all these years, with him still in a demanding job which he gives all his attention to, do you really think he can change?

It's not about housework at all, is it! Apart from the "dribbles" issue most of the things you talk about you would be doing for yourself anyway - all the deciding what to eat and cooking from scratch. Cleaning the bathroom and the light wood floors. There is plenty you could do to cut down the amount of time you spend on it - you have had plenty of practical, helpful advice about that.

You're unhappy because you've been doing this for him for 25 years and he doesn't appreciate it, and never offers to do it for you.

You want him to change, you've already left him over this once. I think you now have to accept that he probably won't change. He seems to love you, and wants to stay together. Do you actually still love him? Is there any way back from this short of him doing housework for half the weekend and planning meals with you?

If you split up, would you suffer very much financially? You would have a smaller home, but at least you'd never have to clean or cook for anyone else ever again unless you chose to.

He would probably also get himself an small easy-to-maintain home, eat out more, eventually get a cleaner and someone to do his laundry. Or another woman...

Only you can decide whether you can go on living with him if you find it so unsatisfying and tiresome.

[3littlefrogs]

olgaga has put it in a nutshell.

[BTGTT]

Now it's just the two of you and you're just left with the relationship without your time/home being taken up by your children, you obviously want more than he is willing/able to give you.

Or you can develop more of a separate life and become more independent, but I don't think that will solve what you want at home - which is feeling neglected and taken for granted.

How is your sex life with him? Is that satisfactory?

[SunRaysthruClouds]

OP have you ever asked him to tell you genuinely how he feels about things, whether there are areas of your relationship he thinks should change.

All I get from this is you: you think, you want, you don't like, he doesn't do etc. I realisse you started the thread so that is inevitable to a degree but I would strongly recommend you try to look at both sides. He might just not say things to keep the peace. (I recall seeing the words micro/macro manage in one of your posts)

You might actually be doing both of you a favour in the long run if you end it.

[PeppaIsBack]

cantcookandwont your issue here that your H has lived for years in a situation where he had little to do re HW. He didn't need to think about it because you did it so as you say, it's not on his radar.
I am not sure that's something you will be able to change easily. If I look at my parents, my dad was very much like your H. Once we had left home, my mum carried on doing all the HW. Until they both got retired and five years on, my dad helps around the house but still has standards much lower than my mum. Probably helps that he likes cooking so he took some of that on his shoulders as he wanted to do it.

But I feel that your issue isn't there. The issue seems that you see his lack of involvement in the HW as a lack of involvement in the relationship itself (seen that the relationship is made of all the times you spend together - or not as when he is going out for his hobbies).
My own experience on that is that when H started to show more involvement in the relationship (ie taking more notice of what I am doing, how I am feeling etc..) the other sides don't matter as much (which could be the HW for you).

Do you think that your DH is involved in the relationship? Do you feel valued as a person and loved? What would make you feel more loved and valued?

[LtEveDallas]

OK, so I really dont get it now.

Your first post says that you spend 1-2 hours every day cooking and cleaning. When people say that is over the top you are at pains to state that you dont actually do that much.

If you don't do that much why does it take you 1-2 hours a day?

Your husband works 11 hours a day - that's a bloody long working day. You then want him to come home and cook and/or clean. I get and agree that you shouldn't have to do it all. But a lot you choose to do.

So choose not to do it.
Choose to TELL him that he is cooking on Saturday night. If he doesn't, he doesn't eat.
Choose to TELL him to put the washing on on Saturday morning. If he doesn't, he doesn't have clean clothes.

I work full time, my hours are not as long as your DH but if my DH expected me to cook a big meal when I got home from work I'd be pissed off. Eating isn't important to DH, he'd live on sandwiches if he could - but he knows I wont. Similarly I know he wont stand in front of a stove for 2 hours 'lovingly' preparing a meal, so I accept that in the week we have simple fayre unless I choose to make something more elaborate.

You feel neglected - I get that. You feel taken for granted - I get that. But he is obviously the sort of person that needs clear direction - so give him some.

[PeppaIsBack]

BTW, I do think that saying that he won't change is utter rubbish.
There is always scope for change if the person wants to. Granted it is harder to do it when habits have there for a long time.

But saying to the Op that 1- she should lower her standards because they are too high (who are you to judge that?!? Everyone has their own standards and they are all acceptable) and 2- suck it up or get divorced (after all no dcs at home anymore so that's OK to do ) is just not helpful at all.

[Asinine]

I think you need to write this down for him, so that he can see that you feel unloved and unappreciated as a result of his non engagement with the relationship both practically and emotionally. This will not be a surprise, he knows you are unhappy. Find out how he feels, too, does he feel loved and appreciated by you? Tell him you can't go on like this forever.

Then give him a choice, either to make an effort and agree on the actual actions in day to life you are talking about, or to go to Relate or similar to find out where your marriage is heading. Get him to tell you what you can do to make him happier too.

[PeppaIsBack]

But he is obviously the sort of person that needs clear direction
This is a man who obviously has some responsability (if not a lot) in his work. I doubt that when he is at work, he needs to be given 'directions'. So why does he need that at home?

[cantcookandwont]

Sun We have had some very open discussions. He tells me- and what can I do other than believe him- that he really loves me and all that matters is that I am home - after my time away. He has promised to try to be a "better husband" which means engaging more with me .

I think some of you have got the wrong idea about how much time is spent on HW- when I said 2 hours a day I was including preparing dinner.

One job I have asked him to do ( note- he doesn't see it needs doing- not on his radar) is hoovering the stairs because due to an op I had years back I was told not to lift anything heavy- such as the hoover up and down stairs. He knows this is the only job that I would like him to do- but never offers- I have to ask- and that's once a week or once a fortnight.

Ditto the hall- I have clients coming 2-3 days a week who bring muck in- we live in a village and the footpaths are not always clean- so that is why I need to hoover or mop the hall regularly. I don't think this is unusual.

We change the bed at a weekend and it is seen as "my job" to initiate that, wash the bedding and iron the king size cotton duvet. Why me? he is just pottering about.

It's as if weekends for him are a time to switch off from all work, whereas for me, I keep going with the domestic stuff.

If I ask him to do anything he is willing to do it. But he does not see anything to do with the house as his domain- bar grass cutting in the summer.

I suppose I am fed up today because it is almost the weekend. He has not suggested he cooks anything and seems to just ignore it when I say he should do one meal at a weekend.

If I were to leave I'd be poor, at least until I got half his pension. So I don't know if I want to put up with that.

[cantcookandwont]

LtEveDallas PLEASE read what I have said in the whole thread- I made it very clear that I am only asking he will contribute at weekends- I specifically said that I did not expect him to do any HW on weeknights.